[DeeAnnaD1913]

I posted this in a general forum of how you feel today but I think it's more appropriate to post it here:

Today I cried uncontrollably for about two hours. The depression wave started in yesterday when I realized that I truly have no friends anymore since getting sober. I mean really- not one person that I can call to go out with, make plans with, whatever. So I bottled it up and came to my grandmothers house bc she needed someone to cook for her and she wanted to see my daughter.

I probably should have avoided my grandmother at all costs when feeling emotional. Taking care of her over the years has- and this sounds bad- been a HUGE trigger for me. My grandma isn't like most grandmas. She hurts your feelings a lot. You're never going to be pretty enough, smart enough, your cooking will always be mediocre... I used go to her house prepared with an Arsenal of Benzos, Opiates & usually at least a fifth of whiskey. She is also a recovering alcoholic, but what I call a "dry drunk" google that term if you're not familiar with it.

So, I spent the night in order to get up and perm her hair. In the midst of trying to get ready to do her hair, she starts in on me...I need to put my phone down and help her - it wasn't that she needed help. It was the demanding, tyrannical way that she screamed at me through the house. In average situations, this would just be an eye rolling event. But bc I am a xanax free, emotional wreck of a person, I went in the bathroom and wept!

What is wrong with me!!!!??? Omg I can't be this anxiety fueled, emotional wreck of a person! Please someone tell me that it gets better!?!? I have been clean about 6ish weeks now.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

DeeAnna, what you are going through is normal. In AA they say people, places and things we need to change. It goes the same for NA. You have to develop new friends. You do this by going to those meetings and getting phone numbers, calling people up and going out for coffee, or dinner. Others hike together, fish, go to concerts. It is the not being alone and going it alone, it is the support of a network that is there to help you. I find committing one's self to such a support group helps redefine your life from partying to sobriety. Being sober makes us face ourselves and take ownership. It can be depressing if we look at all the mistakes we made or others made towards us. When you see yourself as a new clean sober person, you slowly transform into liking your new self. This takes time. And slowly your thinking changes. In order to maintain that good transition of growth it is wise to find a support group as such i mentioned and voice your concerns there as you have here. It really is one day at a time. All people in recovery regardless of MI, drugs, alcohol have all adapted to this slogan for it saves our life literally. We humans are social creatures and we need others in our lives. Be kind to yourself, focus on what a wonderful person you are today, and step out and make new friends. They are but a meeting or a phone call away. tc and blessings.

i also lost all my friends. when i was in my addiction i actually didnt spend time with addicts, i used alone, for the most part... but i gave up a lot of people recently for other reasons... it sucks... i have heard that thing often about AA/NA but sometimes i am just so tired of having to talk about being an addict. i know that we can get over that, eventually... maybe i will finally call someone from a meeting list.

it actually sounds like you are not depressed. when i am in the state you seem to be in, people often suggest that i am depressed. but this seems ridiculous to me because depression would be a huge break! sometimes i really miss apathy....

however, i have come to the conclusion that being an emotional wreck is a hell of a lot better than when i was depressed and simply didnt care. it just means i have to be super careful about what environments i put myself in... family is always hard because there is always that sense of obligation.... good luck with that.

there were times when i was first getting clean when all i did was cry. sometimes it seemed like it would never stop... but it did stop. in hindsight, i think i needed the space to just feel **** for a change, i had been shut down for so long....

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way.

I don't consider it losing friends, I look at it as making different life choices. If a few of your friends were to make different life choices like you did, they'd be right there with you. Who is to say down the road they won't join you? Maybe you'll be a shining example of making good life decisions that others will be attracted too.

We have removed the shackles and blinders of addiction. We can hope that the others will too, but just peer pressure alone (need for socializing) can ruin lives and keep us locked into our active addictions.

I've also found that when you change your life, others that are "friends" will not want anything to do with you out of their own recognized short comings after awhile....they'll fade away. So losing friends is more like a rejection from others. A true friend would be more supportive of self improvement and actively feeding off the growth energy.

What we thought was a group of friends is just a group of users whose common interest is doing drugs and alcohol. Remove the drugs and alcohol, do you really think most of them would hang around each other? Nope. Maybe a few, but for the most part, nope.

It's nice to have friends, but friends of the old life are not the friends we need. Friends can hold us back. We need friends for the new us.

If we would've never got sucked into the world of addiction, we might have built some healthy relationships, but as recovering peeps, we get to start life over to build them healthy relationships. Welcome to life 2.0.

At least this is how I see it. I started recovery 8 years ago, and that's what happened. Of course, I got side tracked but here we go again. The peeps I meet today knows I'm an on again off again drinker, so they aren't bothered by how I am. It's just when I'm not drinking they don't call as much, but if I show up with a beer, they're calling the next day....case in point.

Let's not regret the past and start looking at our new horizon. Healthy people attract healthy people. Only the sick attracts the sick.

Hang in there, please don't let the friend thing affect your serenity.

[Mygrandjourney]

Originally Posted by DeeAnnaD1913

I posted this in a general forum of how you feel today but I think it's more appropriate to post it here:

(snip)

What is wrong with me!!!!??? Omg I can't be this anxiety fueled, emotional wreck of a person! Please someone tell me that it gets better!?!? I have been clean about 6ish weeks now.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

There is nothing, repeat, NOTHING wrong with you. Your emotions are emerging from the "cloud" you have been covering them up with for so long. You live, you learn, little by little, day by day, what is good and healthy for you and your recovery and what isn't. It does get better; the first year is definitely the hardest. I wish I could guarantee that you won't have experiences like this again in the future, but you probably will. Just remember, you get stronger and you learn that what feels like an overwhelming disaster is actually something you can survive and in so doing, your self esteem improves, maybe just a little bit, but definitely in the right direction. Just a couple of months ago, you said you would have to effectively poison yourself to deal with your grandmother. Now you're facing it head on and learning and growing from it. We are all so much more capable and competent than we think we are; we just need to give ourselves the chance to show it, most of all, to ourselves! Hang in there, holidays are coming!

[Beloved_of_amun]

I can so relate to what you are going through! I dont even have a hateful gma! What you are going through is normal and if it makes you feel any better, i am going through the exact same thing right now! I was on suboxone from 2003 until march of 2015 when i had to have back surgery. My sub doc told me to make an appt. After my surgery but when i called after my surgery he refused to see me! All the other docs in my city have very long waiting lists so i started using heroin again after being clean for all those years! I feel like a piece of garbage! I finally broke down and went to the methadone clinic on friday! Hang in there!

[Saltine American]

As far as the benzos and opiates go, I was the same way. until VERY recently. I decided to stop taking my prescribed Suboxone, although I never took anything that heavy before. I went into a major depression. I couldn't stop crying. I was convinced my boyfriend was going to leave me. I thought my depression worsened and became "Sucie" and my mind was all over the place. It was like My mind was a puzzle that someone crushed into 1000 pieces. Thank goodness I had a therapist appointment. Instead of putting me in the hospital, She said that it was not me. That perhaps my addiction was numbing me for so long that I couldn't make sense of my sober self. I've only been sober about a month. I just wanted to write and say I know how you must be feeling. Sobriety is a struggle like nothing I've ever dealt with, but I wish you the best. oh and relapse happens, don't beat yourself up about it

[Caretaker Leo]

Lots and lots of wonderful comments!
Recovery is very much a journey, a process and a roller-coaster ride.
By the time I quit drinking, I didn't have any friends and even my own family members didn't want to be around me. Plus, I pushed away those who tried to develop friendships with me.
I still have times - usually triggered by people, places or things - when I find myself falling into an emotional funk. That is when I use the tools I've learned to get my emotions back on a more even level. I have to rely on those tools when I'm with some of my family members, when I'm in certain places and when I'm confronted by things that were part of my pee-recovery life.
I am beginning to make friends with those who are in the AA program. But, even after 16 months of recovery, I am cautious about getting too close to anyone.

Be kind and gentle with yourself. Almost everything gets better with time.

[jbuttz]

I'm 14 months clean now and I as well lost a lot of friends. I turn to my fiances friends for comfort but they always tell her everything. I'm a little lonely right now but I know it's for the better. We can handle this DeAnna!

[Permacultural]

Hang in there! Alcohol dependence leads to inhibiting of emotion expression over time. Being an emotional wreck is an unfortunate part of healing. You're getting out all of those inhibited emotions. Its part of learning how to think clearly. Don't give up!

[Mountainbard]

I'm so sorry your grandmother treats you this way. She does indeed sound like a dry drunk. There is nothing wrong with you. You're an addict in recovery, and that takes tenacity and courage. You said you should have avoided your grandmother at all costs when you're feeling emotional, and I think you've given yourself great advice there. You don't need someone emotionally abusing you when you're getting sober-- or at any time for that matter.

As for the friends thing, I lost all my friends when I got sober, too. But I realized they weren't really friends nearly so much as drinking buddies. And it does get better! I've been sober for over 12 years now, and I am so thankful for every day of sobriety. I wish you luck and success on your own road to recovery.

It does get better, and ...



,
Pfrog!