[Toomixedup]

So, usually shortly before I go to pick up my kids from school, I feel the need to have a drink. How pathetic is that?! I’d been doing a good job staying away from it, but yesterday I gave into it for no good reason ,other than soccer practices were cancelled and I was going to be home instead of out coaching them

[ArcheM]

The important thing is not to beat yourself up over it. We are imperfect creatures. The best you can do is do your best.

[Guiness187055]

Today is a new day start again. We only stay sober one day at a time anyway.

[emgreen]

Welcome, Toomixedup. I think most of us who visit here can understand your frustration. Keep posting. We help each other.

[UpDownAround]

Some of my urges have occurred at odd times. I hid my drinking so a lot of times I did it when there was a window of time that I would likely be able to get away with it. So now when an urge hits it is often because I have a window of time and that thought ("hey I could get away with it now") pops in my head.

[Toomixedup]

Gah, here I am again, waiting to get the other 2 kids. One home and watching TV. I already put in a productive day at work. And I am craving that cold beer sitting in the fridge next to the milk hat I just put away for my son. Or a screwdriver over ice, as I sit and bask in the sun. It’s killing me! I know I can’t do this forever, I feel so defeated and weak. My kids deserve better, my family deserve better, but I know I just can’t do it

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by Toomixedup

Gah, here I am again, waiting to get the other 2 kids. One home and watching TV. I already put in a productive day at work. And I am craving that cold beer sitting in the fridge next to the milk hat I just put away for my son. Or a screwdriver over ice, as I sit and bask in the sun. It’s killing me! I know I can’t do this forever, I feel so defeated and weak. My kids deserve better, my family deserve better, but I know I just can’t do it

You can. Just keep the reasons in mind. Find something else to enjoy in the sun.

[emgreen]

It must make it a lot harder for you to stay sober with a beer staring at you from the fridge! I assume the alcohol in the house belongs to your spouse. Would it be possible for you to have a discussion about how much harder it makes it for you having to see alcohol? Perhaps not, but it's worth a try. I'm fortunate that my GF doesn't drink either, so there's no alcohol in our house. I shouldn't take that for granted.

I hope you were able to fight the urge to drink. I found that fruit juices helped my with my urges early on (grape, apple, etc.), or something like peach iced tea. That's just what worked for me, but I thought I'd throw it in there.

[Toomixedup]

Unfortunately the drinks are mine, my hubby doesn’t drink too much. Occasionally, but not much. I haven’t even gone to the step of throwing things out. I guess I’m trying to cut back first. Drink less, drink at appropriate times, socially, not by myself, etc. I’m a loser for thinking this could work

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by Toomixedup

Unfortunately the drinks are mine, my hubby doesn’t drink too much. Occasionally, but not much. I haven’t even gone to the step of throwing things out. I guess I’m trying to cut back first. Drink less, drink at appropriate times, socially, not by myself, etc. I’m a loser for thinking this could work

No, you're normal. I think all of us go through that ("can't I adjust and drink like other people?"). You have to figure out the answer is no. You will not believe anyone else. I didn't.

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by Toomixedup

I’m a loser for thinking this could work

HEY!!! You're no loser!!! Everyone who posts on this thread has a problem with alcohol or drugs. It took me SEVERAL attempts to stop drinking for good. A huge part of the solution is knowing there's a problem. You've got that one licked!

[Toomixedup]

Thanks for your encouragement. I put the beer in the other fridge...small victory, I guess. But I’ll have to choose again tonight at dinner, and then after dinner, do I have a night cap, ughh, and again, and again. It just seems so far away. But you’ve given me some alternatives to choose. Ah, choice...a powerful thing for someone so weak.

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by Toomixedup

Ah, choice...a powerful thing for someone so weak.

LOL!!! Ah, choice! Ain't it a B---h! I know you're not ready, but the drain in the kitchen might be able to solve your problem in short order! Good luck! Congrats for moving it out of sight!

[emgreen]

How have things been moving along with the drinking? Just thinking of you. I hope you're well.

[Toomixedup]

Thanks for thinking of me. No reason to be feeling down, but I am, I feel like I’m on a slippery slope. No drinks today yet. I am trying to cut down and limit my drinking to begin with. Not sure if that is acceptable or not, but it’s not as bad as it was/ could be I guess. I know that tonight with Halloween and being outside with the kids hat I’ll probably have more than my (2/day) I’ve set for myself. I figure since I haven’t completely stopped, I’d avoid the “check in” page, cause I don’t want to rub anyone’s nose in it and what’s the point, unless I actually make staying dry a commitment?

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by Toomixedup

Thanks for thinking of me. No reason to be feeling down, but I am, I feel like I’m on a slippery slope. No drinks today yet. I am trying to cut down and limit my drinking to begin with. Not sure if that is acceptable or not, but it’s not as bad as it was/ could be I guess. I know that tonight with Halloween and being outside with the kids hat I’ll probably have more than my (2/day) I’ve set for myself. I figure since I haven’t completely stopped, I’d avoid the “check in” page, cause I don’t want to rub anyone’s nose in it and what’s the point, unless I actually make staying dry a commitment?

It's entirely up to you to decide whether you have a drinking problem, or not. If you can limit yourself to two a day & are comfortable with that, I'd say you don't have a problem. It's a matter of drinking "too much," especially if you're going to be driving the kids around that it could be a BIG problem. You can post wherever you like, but I think it's just thoughtful to post on the check-in thread while you're not under the influence so no one else is tempted. It's so good to hear from you. Please keep us posted.

[emgreen]

How goes it? I hope your mood has improved & that Halloween with the kids was more treats than tricks.

[Toomixedup]

Halloween was good, and I was good too. Things seem to be going well. Been having my hands full with the kids and their activities mostly. Now my husband and I are waist deep in setting up caregiving duties and managing finances for a family member. Just busy, period. Still sticking to “two or less” and haven’t been drinking during the mud-day or in the car—big plus! All in all going well, thanks for asking. You? Shoulder surgery right? Keep the pain at bay, don’t try to play catch-up with the pain, lots of ice, do your therapy, as the pain is better, your body won’t need the meds, then hide them or get rid of them. But till then, don’t be too tough macho ��

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by Toomixedup

Halloween was good, and I was good too. Things seem to be going well.

Cool deal! I'm glad your hectic pace isn't increasing your urge to "over-do it." Keeping it to two or less isn't problematic, IMO...That is if you can keep it there without too much effort. Yeah...Not drinking in the car is an ESPECIALLY important thing - not only from a public safety point of view, but from a criminal justice perspective, too. They're nailing people these days! I go to AA & hear from folks who are sentenced to be there; they spend a ton of $$$ in penalties, lawyer fees, urine drops, & on & on...Unless you've got $10,000 to spare, avoid alcohol & driving at all costs!

Thanks so much for the good thoughts regarding my surgery. I'm really dreading it! I had my gallbladder out in January - no problem! I was in, out & recovered in a week. This shoulder thing will stretch on for too freakin' long! As far as your last sentence goes...

MACHO, MACHO MAN!! I WANT TO BE...A MACHO MAN!!!

[Toomixedup]

Back in the mid-day thros again. I love the cold drinks but I hate myself. Hmmm. There’s a thought. I don’t know why, but my mind’s been jumping, my heart is beating almost out of my chest, I feel my skin like it’s crawling on the inside. So I turn to a drink to quiet it down. Last few days it’s been noisy, so I’ve supplemented with some Buspar. I wonder how long this will go before it turns around

[Toomixedup]

It’s no fair that my urges come at mid-day (11 AM) and again at 3 in the afternoon, only to feel justified at happy hour 4:30, and then with dinner. And what about the nightcaps after the kids go to bed. It’s hopeless. I’m hopeless. I can’t get past it...yet. When I don’t give in and drink, I feel the urge to hurt myself in other ways, so to me, drinking seems more acceptable. The ironic screw

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by Toomixedup

It’s no fair that my urges come at mid-day (11 AM) and again at 3 in the afternoon, only to feel justified at happy hour 4:30, and then with dinner. And what about the nightcaps after the kids go to bed. It’s hopeless. I’m hopeless. I can’t get past it...yet. When I don’t give in and drink, I feel the urge to hurt myself in other ways, so to me, drinking seems more acceptable. The ironic screw

Sorry to take so long responding...I've got two hands to type with now. You shouldn't feel conquered - we're seldom really conquered. To me, it sounds like you know the nature of alcoholism, so you're not trying to kid yourself anymore. Funny you should mention doing something to myself while drinking. I tried to O.D. once while thoroughly trashed, & very nearly succeeded. I don't want to focus on the O.D., but the "ironic screw" isn't lost on me. Fact is, however, when the time came I just became so aware of the size of my problem & knew I was making pretty deadly choices. There is a good choice, toomixedup! You're on the way to understanding all the ways alcohol affects your life. That's the key to putting the "plug in the jug." Your family needs you. Keep working on it...

[UpDownAround]

Becoming aware of the problem is a good start; accepting the solution was the hard part for me. It was easier when I was "just taking a break" with the intent of taking it back up but exercising more control at some point. There have been times before that I said I was quitting for good, but in the back of my mind I still had plans to ease back into it at some point. This time I don't. it was a tough decision, but it brought a measure of relief.

[Toomixedup]

Thanks UpDiwn and EmGreen. My family needs me. Their lives would definitely fall apart. They need me. I feel taken for granted, often. Ignored. Alone. I want to separate myself from them, maybe emotionally I have already. I’ve failed them in ways. Not in all ways, I know. They need me. Sometimes I feel I don’t need them. I feel burdened at times by them, by myself. And i resent it. Feeling this way. It’s ugly. Contrary to what a good mother should be, unconditional. My marriage is drifting, and my husband is letting it. He says words, but no actions. I am resentful, and it is terrible to be so. If you had known us. I don’t know where this is going to end. I sent out a brief cryptic email to my T whim I hadn’t seen in quite a while. She’s leaving it up to me if I feel like talking or not. She says it can be helpful “to hear yourself talk and have the right questions asked...”. I hear myself talk in these words I’ve written, and it’s sad. I don’t know what to think, quite. And I’m not sure how she’d react on hearing it either.

[emgreen]

I can just share what I'd do in a simiar siuation...Hit up the T. I don't do therapy very often anymore, but have my feelers out there so I know where to go when the crap starts to boil. I see my T maybe once a month & more frequently if things aren't going well. Having solved that for you (yay, me!) I have no idea what to do about the truely important part...your family. All of the feelings you expressed are legit feelings, so perhaps a visit to T would make you feel a bit better? Good luck. It's so hard giving advice when one doesn't fully understand the situation - you're the one livin' in it. I'm just some dumb schmuck slinging stuff around!