Am I overreacting to his drinking?

I'm desperately hoping someone can help me. I've been in a relationship with a guy for about a year, and I love him, but his drinking scares me, a lot. I've tried to talk to him about it, had a 2 hour conversation with him last night about it in which he denied that he drinks "too much" and told me I am overreacting to his drinking. I feel like I'm not overreacting, but I'm so scared and upset that now I can't tell if I am or not, particularly knowing that I suffer from anxiety, which tends to cloud everything, all the time anyway. But, here is what scares about his drinking:

1. He binge drinks with the intended purpose of getting drunk, on average does so every other weekend, but sometimes more than that. There's a 50/50 chance he'll be drunk on any given weekend. He rarely ever has only one beer, his average is 5 or better, but double digits are not uncommon, because as he is fond of saying, "one tastes like another."

2. He seems to have some sort of "entitled" attitude towards drinking. He's aware that I don't like it when he drinks, but always defends it to me by saying things like "I know you don't like drinking, but it's what you do when you're with your family/friends" or "my brother is having a stressful time right now and I have to have a few drinks with him so he'll relax."

3. He is epileptic and takes anti-seizure medication that should not be mixed with alcohol, and he is well aware it should not be but chooses to drink anyway. I have expressed my concerns for his health and safety to him several times, but all it ever results in is him telling me, "you only live once."

4. He seems to think that everyone wants to drink and get drunk, that's it's a normal thing. I don't drink, I never got into it, have only been drunk once in my life purely by accident. I am also diabetic and stay away from alcohol for obvious reasons there. But when I confront him about his drinking he seems to think I'm jealous that he can drink and I can't, even though I've told him several times that I don't want to drink. He doesn't seem to understand that I don't drink because don't want to, not because I "can't."

5. Confronted him last night about how he didn't drink for 2 months, but in the last 2 weeks he's been drunk 3 times. He claims he wasn't "drunk" each time, but just "buzzed," and again sited that his brother is "having a tough time right now" and he "is just trying to help his brother relax." I asked him if he thought drinking 3 times in 2 weeks was excessive, and he told me I am overreacting and that "he doesn't have a problem with his drinking" but I am who "has a problem with his drinking."

6. Last night is also when he started to deny things he told me in the past regarding his drinking. He was boasting back in early July how he drank 17 beers in one night. When I brought that up last night, he said he hasn't drank 17 beers in one night since he was in his 20's (he's 34 now). He also has said to me on several occasions that his mother doesn't like it when he drinks, but when I referenced that last night, he also denied having said that and told me his mother is okay with him drinking. As well, he told me used to date a girl who was a heavy drinker, and that she used to tell him he drank a lot. But, when I mentioned that to him last night, he again denied that she ever said that to him.

Am I overreacting? I'm not saying he's an alcoholic, but I feel like it's just around the corner...I think. Like I said, I'm very scared, I love him, I don't want to lose him, but I also don't feel like I can be with him the way he is drinking, but I don't know if my fears and the way I feel are mitigated based on his behavior. I cried all night over this, I know I can't fix it or him, but now I'm questioning if there is anything to fix except myself...

You are not overreacting. You have reason to be concerned. What he's doing is binge drinking. Lots of people can go for periods of days, weeks, or even months without drinking, but when they do drink, it's to excess and specifically to get drunk.

Given his denial that he has a problem, it's unlikely to get better, and likely to get worse (more frequent, or more drinks on each occassion.)

I'd suggest you seek out the support of an al-anon group. They can provide you with support and information and help you figure out if you want to be in this relationship or not.

This is a situation where you have to put yourself and your well-being first.

splitimage

This is what scares me about the situation, you have known him for a year u said, but do you really know him? Or is this the person you thought u knew?

Thank you for responding and sharing your thoughts! I don't even know you, but I needed to hear everything you said!

He's been drinking like this since I knew him, never tried to hide it from me because he has no reason to, since he sees nothing wrong with it. It's always bothered me, but since I love him, I've tried to find ways to be "okay" with it, to not make a big deal of it, told myself it's my anxiety making this more of a thing than it is. But the more I express to him that I don't like his drinking, that is scares me, the more his answers, or lack of answers, tears me up inside.

(I hope I haven't double posted this.) But he's never made an attempt to hide the drinking, not since I met him, because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it. It's bothered me ever since I noticed how frequently it was happening, but because I love him, I tried to tell myself to be okay with it, that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was and that I felt fearful of it due to my anxiety disorder. It wasn't until recently when I started expressing my concerns and frustration to him about his drinking that his answers, or lack of answers, started to really panic me.

Hi Scared101. Welcome to the forum.

Regardless of his drinking, look what it's doing to you. You are scared. You don't know when or if he is going to drink. Is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Someone that you want to have children with? He doesn't think that he has a problem, therefore what you see now is what you have to look forward to. My 2 cents: He has a big problem and sounds like he's a bit of a narcissist as well. Saying that you are jealous that you can't drink and he can? What a jerk!

Thank you for the welcome ForWhatItsWorth2U! And thank you also for your 2 cents! You all have no idea what a relief it is to hear that I'm not making something out of nothing, that there really is something wrong and it's not just my anxiety, and I'm not overreacting.

And yes, ForWhatItsWorth2U, he is a jerk...I've found myself thinking that more and more...

In a way he is right to tell you that you are jealous - his preferred relationship is with beer, not you. What is you love about him? Occasional good times keep you roped in to endure the bad. Like occasionally winning at bingo or the casino keeps gamblers hooked, even tho overall they are losing. Its just harder to balance the accounting books with "love".

Wow, thank you Unaluna! I never considered it that way, but you are right! I even said to him last night that in general I spend a lot of time feeling like he doesn't want me and wondering if he really does love me. He had no answer to that, of course. But I do feel like I put an awful lot of energy into this relationship, when he does very little himself, and all I get for it is the occasional scrap of affection.

Good point Unaluna.
Scared101 Wow, he had no answer? I am sorry that happened. I don't know what you will do but I am glad that you came to this forum and asked for opinions. My last relationship was for four years with a somewhat functional alcoholic. He wasn't a mean alcoholic and I did care for him but after 4 years of giving I got the short end of the stick.

A quote that I love: When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time. - Maya Angelou

Thats so hard to do. Youre thinking, this person cant POSSIBLY be this shallow, or this mean, or whatever. Then, two things are going on: you dont think very highly of them, and they dont really think very highly of you. I think the second part is what we are really in denial about. I should say, what *I* was really in denial about, too many times.

Hi Unaluna Yes. It is hard to do. What this quote means to me is when you start seeing red flags then it's time to go. I have always given someone more benefit of doubts that they deserved. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic and now when I think back to things that he said earlier (in the first few times that we went out) I should have just walked away. Yes, easier said than done but I hope that I have learned the lesson of the quote for when I am ready to look for my next relationship.