[bizi]

slept about 7 hours last night so that is an improvement!
bizi

[splitimage]

Glad you got some sleep.

[bizi]

I tried a new sleeping aid called unisom it has doxylamine succinate in it as the main ingredient.
I drank too much and it did not work which is not giving it a good try. Hubby suggested that I not drink and see if it worked.
at 2 am I got out of bed having not slept and took the visteril and immediate release 3mg melatonin and got to sleep rather quickly. and slept until the alarm went off at 7:30. Got out of bed at 8;30 and had a cup of coffee.
Need to hop into the shower and take a quick one before getting my hair colored, roots touched up have to leave in about half an hour.
yikes need to get going!
bizi

[bizi]

I spoke to kay and she and I came to the conclusion that an added med to my cocktail might be just the ticket to stability.
Gabapenton(neurontin)_not sure if I spelled either of these names correctly.
I will write my pdoc tonight. and request her guidance.

I am still drinking too much and have stalled in my day to day activities.
I keep ignoring my billing....hate the paper work part of my job,
and charting and filing...
sigh
I meet with my sponsor tomorrow night...Carol
My new book came in...will give it to her.
A woman's way thru the 12 steps.
She agreed to go thru this book with me

as opposed to the big book...which was written in the 30's.

AM feeling stagnant with my addictions. Alcohol, internet, food, picking sigh all ocd type behaviors.

Between drinking, stopping off at fat pats after work for a few beers. then coming home after picking up some sparking flavored waters, spiked no less. I went to the pharmacy and asked to see if good rx could give me some savings on my prescriptions. yes I saved $60 total. Came home and realized that I picked up a med that had been discontinued but since I came home with it they can not take it back. sigh
wasted money....but I saved money so it evened out. I was still ahead.

WE have been watching Downton Abby and loving it. The movie comes out in the fall, looking forward to that!
WE try to watch one episode a night...we are on season 5 there are 6 seasons.

I need to figure out my day tomorrow. Have 4-5 people to see.
life is good.
and a gift....
need to work on appreciating my life.
bizi

[splitimage]

Hope you like "A woman's way through the 12 steps." I really liked its approach.

splitimage

[bizi]

Dr. Orazio called and asked to see me today, she thought I was rapid cycling.
So I met with her...appointment at 3, did not get to see her until 3;40.
She spent over an hour with me.
Basically I told her that I run hypomanic and that I wanted to change meds, add on neurontin. she did not want to do that.

WE are changing to lithium and vylar.

Decreasing the lamictal starting tonight. Decreasing by 100mg then add lithium and leave a small dose of lamictal. they did an ekg and I am to do blood work before I start the lithium. Then a level after 5 days at full dose.

I have needed a change for some time now...maybe lithium is the change that I need.
Came home and told him that she wanted to admit me to a detox unit for 30 days or an out patient program which I said I would think about.
Since I want to still try at controlled drinking then I needed to be honest with my sponsor about that. She will drop me if I told her that. She is very wise and I like her, don't want to lose her support.
anyway....
bizi

[bizi]

So I talked with my sponsor today: Carol
I told her of my struggles and was honest about my drinking still.
And how I needed to come up with another activity to do instead of stop by fat pats for a couple of beers after work. I like it, it is a decompress time for myself....I sit have a couple of drinks and surf facebook and enjoy myself. This takes about half an hour.

I got my blood drawn this morning for baseline, took 2 sticks, ouch!
Need to pick up my meds from the pharmacy tomorrow and maybe fill a pill box. I think that is a good idea until my meds are settled and the new ones are routine..

Last night...I was able to get to sleep but woke up later and could not get back to sleep....
sigh
Sleep issues suck.
I am working tomorrow...5 clients, need to make time for a lunch somehow, maybe go somewhere like burger king! Maybe have me a whopper!
.
Tomorrow night we are seeing a play which should be good.
Have not seen a play in a while now.
We used to go to them regularly...I would like to go more often.
I am off on sunday....so that is good.
It has been raining off and on so the grass is really plush and constantly needs mowing.
Paul, our yard guy has a hard time keeping up with everybody.
Our yard is growing tassels!
Hubby just called for Downton Abby.
We are finishing up season five soon.
Have really enjoyed rewatching the series.
Well I had better sign off.
Thank you for reading!
bizi

[bizi]

I think the switch form lamictal to lithium is an easy switch. I think the switch from geodon to vraylar will be difficult....will see.


My addictions just keep getting worse.
my picking is terrible. have 3 fingers out of commission.

My weight is 194 yesterday...sigh

Good news is that I am sleeping better.

From my lab work ...my calcium is elevated again.
10.5
In january, When I was taking 1400 mg of calcium it was 10.3 so she told me to take 500mg.
WEll I cut it in half because I have a history of osteopenia.
Then a month on the lower dose had blood work done and it had dropped down to normal.
6 months later, So at 700mg it is back up again.
Wonder why?
I did not take any calcium last night...don't want to have a heart attack!
They faxed the lab results to my primary doc for her to evaluate and treat.
I don't like having any thing out of whack.
Thank you for reading.
bizi

[bizi]

I am frustrated.
My sleeping has been terrible. Last night I think I got in 3 hours.
Since I drink she discontinued the klonipin for sleep and I have been a mess since then. Some good sleep mostly not.
I tried seroquel, trazadone, unisom, melatonin, visteril/atarax.


The change from lamictal to llithium has been seamless.
300mg in am and 600mg at night. Tonight was the first full dose then blood work on thursday. she wants to keep me on 100mg of lamictal too.
When we switch from geodon to vraylar....that will be a more difficult switch. I don't know when she wants to do this.

My routine blood work last feb came back with an elevated blood serum calcium level. At that time I was taking 1400mg of calcium.
I cut the calcium back and then retested one month later and it was back within normal limits. Though, just last week I had labs drawn for baseline results and the calcium was even higher this time. So they told me to hold all calcium suppliments. I asked about hyperparathyroidism and they will run the test when we recheck in a month. I want to be able to take the calcium supplements because I have a history of osteopenia.
So we shall see.

Unstable mood/bipolar/OCD=
increased drinking, eating, computer, picking.
I am hoping for better control with the med changes in time and have more control over my addictions.

bizi

[bizi]

My pdoc offered me inpatient rehab and others have suggested this....which I resented because I am not that bad of an alcoholic.
I have a respectable business and don't miss work except when I can't sleep and miss a couple of clients that I have to make up.

Alcohol interferes with my ability to be healthy.
There are too many empty calories.
I know how to lose weight....I just can't seem to do what it takes.
Would like to think that I could go to the gym and walk on the tred mill, last time I was there I could hardly walk at all.
The truth of the matter is that I am obese and out of shape.
What is it going to take for me to wake up and face the facts.

I was alcohol free for lent. That was for 6 weeks but I did it. I am sure that I lost weight during that time. Being this overweight is unhealthy.
Drinking alcohol is unhealthy, being sedentary is unhealthy.
I am embarrassed by my weight and what I have become.
My poor body....4 years ago I was 137, last week I weighed 195.
My scrubs are so tight. I look terrible and so unprofessional.

sigh
I am not even trying to healthy...why am I not trying?????
sigh
bizi

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by bizi

Alcohol interferes with my ability to be healthy.
There are too many empty calories.
I know how to lose weight....I just can't seem to do what it takes.
Would like to think that I could go to the gym and walk on the tred mill, last time I was there I could hardly walk at all.

sigh
I am not even trying to healthy...why am I not trying?????
sigh
bizi

Baby steps. No alcohol at the house. Walk everyday. Start with 15 minutes daily then increase. No need to pay for the gym if you are not using it. I do yoga at home but have not been motivated to do the yoga everyday.

I understand. I have struggled with occassional binge drinking/eating and snacking on junk food during much of my life. It helps if I focus on what I need to do (verses don't do)--as in taking time to prepare and buy healthy food (eat a healthy breakfast, otherwise hunger will eventually make you reach for the wrong things). Hugs.

[bizi]

With a ton of meds:
80mg Geodon
100mg lamictal
20mg melatonin
(long acting and short acting)
100mg atarax/visteril
200mg seroquel
600mg of lithium

I could not sleep and had restless leg syndrom majorly so finally got up and out ear plugs in, hubby has been snoring and got up to take 3mg of klonipin. I needed to sleep. Which I did finally and slept turned off the alarm and went back to sleep until hubby came to check on me at almost 10.
I wonder which med gave me the restless leg crap????
The seroquel gave me an elevated heart rate...don't know how fast but it was noticeable.
Called clients to rearrange schedule.
I am afraid that was going to have to be admitted to a pysch ward in order to get me stabilized...Want to avoid that at all costs....
bizi

[bizi]

We were away over the weekend. Traveled to pensacola beach to celebrate our 23 wedding anniversary. We ate and drank too much and I did not sleep and had restless legs. I think I am having side effects from the lithium: Swelling of my hands and ankles, diarrhea. I am supposed to drink a lot of water which I have not been doing that. Wonder if I drank more if that would help with the swelling?
sigh
bizi who is very tired and onto my 3rd cup of coffee.

[bizi]

I just had my lithium level drawn and it is fine.
I definitely need to drink more water. I called the pdocs office and reported the side effects. She did not comment about the side effects...only that she thinks I need treatment because I don't stop drinking.
I had less than 2 beers tonight after work. Will try to stop after that.
I really hope that I can sleep tonight.
bizi

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by bizi

I just had my lithium level drawn and it is fine.
I definitely need to drink more water.
I had less than 2 beers tonight after work. Will try to stop after that.
I really hope that I can sleep tonight.
bizi

Try not to beat yourself up about drinking too much on your anniversary. It was a special occasion--Congratulations!

I assume you went out to have the beers after work. (It seems like you eat out a lot).

IMO it is harder to stop drinking when our spouse still drinks. Alcohol started effecting both my spouse and I's health when we got older (for me, it raises my blood pressure when I have more than one drink) so he never drinks and I rarely drink now. I might have the same struggles you do if my spouse hadn't quit. I am glad he did.

There are two things that make me want to drink more than I should. 1) When I am with other drinkers who drink a lot and are encouraging me to drink. 2) When I can't sleep at night because of unpleasant thoughts that won't stop playing in my head and there is alcohol in the house.

I notice you do not talk about how your relationship with your spouse effects you and admire that but you might need to have him "buy in" to the need to have less alcohol around the house in order to ease the temptation to drink. Hugs.

[bizi]

@TunedOut

Thank you for the note!
I think I got some sleep last night so that is good.
Hubby only drinks a couple of drinks. Vacations are different.
We drink a lot at the beach.
I am getting on the scale today...
facing the facts.
189
not as bad as I thought.
bizi

[bizi]

I slept well the past 2 nights, only drinking 2 beers. Hoping that I continue to sleep well...I see dr. orazio next week....not looking forward to that. She thinks I need to go into treatment for alcohol addiction.
sigh


Just got back from dinner with my girl friend melissa. On Friday, She is leaving for a 100mile walk/pilgrimage thru portugal and spain....by her self!
I told her she was very brave.

I wear ear plugs at night now and they make my ears itch and my right ear is sore. This way I don't hear Jeff breath/snore.

I pulled my back a few days ago....still hurts but I think it is a bit better today.
bizi

[bizi]

I think 2 is the magic number.
My AA sponsor is letting me go....
Although we are going to a concert tomorrow night: woodstock 50th anniversary concert.
Carol is 20 years my senior so this is her music.
Should be fun.
I will be sad to lose her support.
bizi

[bizi]

My insurance has a large deductible and my therapist costs $98 an hour. I really like her. Have not seen her in a long time.

I slept great again last night!
Think I have finally figured out how to easily put the ear plugs in.

weight down a pound 187.7.
Getting my hair colored this morning then 3 clients this afternoon then concert. The reason Carol is releasing me as my sponsor is because I am actively drinking...and not trying to stop.

So AA does not fit into my life.
bizi ___________

[bizi]

Carol said that she would continue to
meet together as friends....and not be my "sponsor" in AA since I am still drinking.
We will see how it goes this tuesday at 8pm.
Off to the party.
bizi

[bizi]

We went out for dinner tonight at this restaurant called Drago's seafood.
This was our 23rd wedding anniversary.
We started off with char broiled oysters which were weird. the parm mixture was mushy for some reason. not good.
I started off with a cup of shrimp and corn bisque which was good(not great).
Hubby had the surf and turf, filet...maybe 3oz and half a lobster. The filet was too small but hubby did not say anything....and he had a difficult time getting the meat out of the shell. He said some of it was chewy. My dish was shrimp and tasso and grits. It was very spicy and delicious. I had one beer with dinner.
Explained our displeasure of the oysters to the server and then the manager and he took the item off our bill.We won't be going back anytime soon.
Came home and had some chantilly cake that jeff picked up from whole foods with some fresh fruit. It was delicious!
I am very full...I hope I can sleep tonight.
bizi

[splitimage]

Happy Anniversary.

Sorry your meal, wasn't up to par. That's got to be disappointing considering the number of great restaurants you seem to have around you.

Good job on sticking to one beer.

Hope you slept ok.

splitimage

[bizi]

Thanks split. I did sleep well.
bizi

[Fuzzybear]

Bizi

[bizi]

Saw Dr. Orazio my pdoc this morning. She was happy with my progress....no hypomania...more self control. Only drinking 2 beers at night and sleeping well.
Will see her in 6 weeks. Have my lithium level checked in a month.
Life is good!

Except my back is terrible. I hurt it in florida I think on the 17th....trying to get out of the bath tub.
Had a massage and that did not help.....will sit on a heating pad.
It is hard to do my job....sigh
bizi

going to use blue emu on it tonight....sigh