[RiverX]

I replied to the post from splitimage re the driving licesnce and poured my heart out and no-one answered, and thats dangerous for me, I felt myself disconnecting, in fact I felt like giving up and did so for a while, I know, it was partly my fault because I just did it in response to someone else, so maybe no-one read it. It is an issue for me here, I look at how other people get such warm and positive responses, and I feel I dont have that link-in to other humans and I feel that disconnection from the planet kicking in, thats part of being a ' self in exile' (aka schizoid).

The danger for us is going beyond to the place of no return, I can feel that happening inside me and its real, I guess, its like an alcoholic taking another drink in a way. I desperately need people to ... well, understand, and if not understand, then just show good will and response. I dont blame anyone, I've had great good will here, but I can lose the feeling, .......
what I talked about may seem irrelevant to others, or really fussy and complicated, I dunno, but it had meaning for me..... I'm gonna repeat it here, much agianst my natural inclinations....... over to trust and good will..........


<font color="blue"> My particular set of ussues includes feeling 'being appropriated from', so, when, (after 12 years in recovery,) I started talking to one of the Ts who were trained in PD.s and she also knew about the programme, she asked me........."do you have a sponsor?, how long have you been abstinent?, its a spiritual programme you know!..." well, I was amused, flabberghasted, insulted, and triggered! I'd never been spoken to like that before, it was like she stepped into authority over me, over my programme, the only thing I had in my life that I felt was truly, naturally mine. .....
I'd always done my programme for reasons inside myself, I've gone to many lengths, done service, conventions abroad, its no big deal, we do that in the programme, but never needing to be told by someone else, not in that way!

And heres the problem, in a perverse way, I kind of liked the idea of abdicating to her too, in a sort of surreal, self destructive way, it was intoxicating, wanting to submit, and play into her power! ............... .....thats the disorder, everything went squewiff inside me, she got into my head, and where I was once a person in recovery from my own separate centre of initiative, suddenly, I was 'being her good child', living via her, she got caught in my 'neural loop', my sense of self syphoned off into her, my internal saboteur had a field day, and formed a bond with her to undermine me, all that was my experience, .. Thats the f------ disorder............

its actually, a deadly thing, subtly removing ones life, bit by bit, from inside.

And yet, by God she understood me, (in other ways), as I have never been understood before and as I longed to be understood.... great inner coflict.........!!

Hey, I'm so sorry, I completely have got carried away, but I guess I have been carrying all this, and hearing you just opened the flood gates for me,

And it all started with a drivers licence!

thanks for listening, I hope i'm understandable, and thank you for helping me to begin to get all this out into safe hands. theres loads more, but I should probably start my own share rather than hitch hiking onto someone elses.

</font>

well, thats what I copied from the other post.............
I'd love some responses....

river

[Raynaadi]

Hi River,

I'm sorry I didn't reply before. A lot of times depending on what is going on in my life at the time that I am checking in here, I see a long post and get overwhelmed and try to remember to come back to it but sometimes I can't.

I'm leary to reply and say what is on my mind because of what you said about the T: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
........."do you have a sponsor?, how long have you been abstinent?, its a spiritual programme you know!..." well, I was amused, flabberghasted, insulted, and triggered! I'd never been spoken to like that before, it was like she stepped into authority over me, over my programme, the only thing I had in my life that I felt was truly, naturally mine. .....
I'd always done my programme for reasons inside myself, I've gone to many lengths, done service, conventions abroad, its no big deal, we do that in the programme, but never needing to be told by someone else, not in that way!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

But you asked for feedback so I'm gonna suggest Alanon. It sounds like you may be putting a lot of reliance on other people. The T was right when she said it is a spiritual program. While other people are very important for us, we must learn to rely on self and our higher power when people don't do what we want them to do. People are fallable, and will hurt us - if we let them. Especially here on the boards.....none of us found PC because we're well all the time. Everyone makes mistakes and sometimes posts go unanswered. A lot times I check in when I don't have a lot of time and I've got mod duties to look after too. I try and pay extra attention to this forum but there are just times when I don't have the energy to think, let alone come up with a good response. Right now I'm extremely tired so I don't even know if this made any sense.

[DePressMe]

River, I am sorry I missed your original post...I am generally pretty good about keeping tabs on this forum. Please, know that I care.

I am not an AA person, but I do work a recovery program. I consider my program to be...well, mine. I take suggestions from others but ultimately I consider it a very personal thing. I am not sure how I would respond to somebody putting them selves in an authority position over my program--probably indignant. I also think I need to be the center of my recovery--turning the reigns over to somebody else would be dangerous.

I think my disease would like it if i let somebody else become the center of my recovery because that would lead me down a dangerous road...possibly to a relapse.

Again, I am sorry I missed your original post. I am glad you reposted it and gave me the opportunity to comment and to show a little support. I would hope that all the people who come to this forum feel listened to and supported. Know that I care.

[chalmette70043]

(((((((River))))))))

Thank you for sharing that. I care too.



chalmette

[RiverX]

Thank you all for your responses, it helps!
Sorry, it took a while to get back.

I thought about what you said Rayna, yes.... al-anon, why didnt that seem to work for me? I remember being in one meeting and listening to a chair, about 'letting go', and I realised, i'm not holding onto anything, this obsession is like its cemented and holding onto my guts.... its not me thats holding on! Later that year I found more information which went deeper to explain my situation.

I find open AA meetings more helpful than al-anon. In fact I have just started a big book study, I think in the US, its called 'back to basics'. (here they do it for anyone, you dont have to be an AA) I think its going to be good. I'll see how I am after that, its very intense, I got part way throught before, had an ussue with the leader, where I felt out of integrity, dropped out, and now I'm starting again.

Its just in all the existing fellowships I had weirdnesses that I couldnt find identification with. Now I've learnt what all that is about, and there isnt actually a fellowship for this, but Im doing my best to putting one together. So in the meantime Im sharing here, everyones goodwill is helpful.

I believe someone here knows about the contact details for 'smart'? I'd appreciate if you read this, I'd like to get them.

So, thanks for responding and caring.


river

[Fuzzybear]

Thinking of you from my cave!

[DePressMe]

Hi River, I have done a little with SMART...here is the link http://www.smartrecovery.org/