[DePressMe]

This thread is open to anybody who would like to share their thoughts and experiences about the first step—even if you do not attend AA. I do not attend AA, but I do work a version of the steps as a part of my recovery program. If you don’t work the steps, feel free to share your experience concerning the topics that are brought up by others.

What does step one mean to you? What part have you struggled with the most? How do you apply it to your life?

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

[Cyran0]

Before I'd ever heard step one, I found myself staring at an eight ball (coke) desperate for another line but knowing that I was ignoring my life. If I did that line I'd be up all night doing coke, I'd miss more work, and I continue to fall apart physically. That and I was more or less bankrupt by this point. I had so many secrets and told so many lies. I told myself I had to maintain control over this...And then I did the line anyway.

A week later I flushed my drugs down the toilet as I knew if it were there, I could not stop myself from using. Again, the drug had the power and not me. With the image of cocaine dissolving in toilet water seared into my brain (I can still see it to this day) I took a flight to Chicago to stay with a friend.

I had to leave town because I knew that if there were dealers that I knew, I could get more drugs. And if I could get more drugs, I would use them. Because I had no conrol over it.

I was drunk the whole time in Chicago but it did keep me off the coke (I also couldn't tell you if all the puking was from being too drunk or coke withdrawal...no idea).

To this day I know that if the cocaine is present, I'll use. That's why I can never be around it. If I see it, I must run. Because I have no control over it.

As for alcohol, it's never been my drug of choice but if I use it, you bet I wont stop and I'll be on the phone trying to score something stronger. Because for me it's all or nothing and it rips my life to shreds.

Cyran0

[Raynaadi]

For me, I could see that I powerless over alcohol. I knew that once I had the first drink, I wouldn't stop until I puked so I could drink more, and then pass out. I knew that things I never planned happened when I drank, I knew that I'd wake up with strange bruises and strange men. The powerlessness wasn't hard to see.

But I couldn't quite see where my life was unmanageable. I had an apartment and a job and even a car. A beat up old car, but a car nontheless. I thought I had to loose everything to be an alcoholic.

I heard stories in meetings about getting DUI's, killing people, loosing kids husband's wives etc. I hadn't gotten a DUI, never went to jail, never killed anyone, never lost a husband that I cared to keep. I never lost anything important because I didn't really have anything. But I did loose a guy, a guy who I dated in high school, who I had always loved and who I had gotten back, and who left me because I was a terrible person when I drank.

I lost me. I lost any close relationship with my family. I lost my dignity. I would have lost my job, I'm sure of that. I would have gotten a DUI, I'm sure of that. What started as the "that never happened to me" became YET. I know all that stuff was waiting for me right around the corner. What I did get when I was drinking was constantly being broke, a relationship with a bottle only, and an STD. Yay what a life.

The best part about the first step is the very first word - WE. WE admitted WE were powerless, that OUR lives had become unmanageable. WE don't have to do this alone, and that to me is the best part of the first step.

My first sponsor (I'm one who does the whole meeting thing, so I got a sponsor in my first week of sobriety) had me write down all the times I was powerless over alcohol. What a list. I still have it. If I ever doubt I'm an alcoholic, all I have to do is look at that list. I share it with girls I sponsor too, so they know they're not alone. Maybe I'll share it here sometime.

I've been told the first step is the only step I must do perfectly. What that means to me is, I need to know in my heart of hearts that I can't have the first drink. The first drink will always get me drunk, not the tenth. I have to know that, just for today, I can't drink. I've strung together all my sober days by putting them together, one day at a time, and by doing a first step every day.

[DePressMe]

1. We admitted we were powerless over drugs - that our lives had become unmanageable.

I replace alcohol with drugs. I consider alcohol to be a drug. When I say addict I include alcoholics. Although I would take about any drug, my drug of choice was crack and then alcohol.

At one point in time I was very much opposed to the whole notion of me or anybody else being powerless over drugs. It was a choice, right? Everybody has a choice about whether or not they want to use and how much they want to use. Claiming powerlessness meant you were just not accepting responsibility for your own decision. However, my inability to control my own drug use and watching other members of my family obviously unable to control their drug use has taught me that addicts truly are powerless when it comes to drugs.

What father or mother is going to willingly choose drugs over their children’s needs, love and safety? Why would I willingly smoke something that I knew was ruining my life and might kill me? Why would I trade my body for a cheap 10 minute high? When I was in the grips of addiction, I simply could not say no. I was spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically compelled to use.

My first run on drugs led me to prostitution. I did whatever I had to do to get drugs. I don’t care what you say, there is no way I would ever willingly choose to degrade myself in such a manner. Later in life, I managed to pull myself together, get through school and get a job, but I made the mistake of thinking I could do just a little coke. That bout with crack just about cost me my life.

It is obvious that your life is unmanageable when another person is holding you at gun point and the only thing you can think of is hiding the crack in your pocket so they don’t take it and your money. It is obvious your life is unmanageable when you are sitting in a crack house at 5 AM, knowing you have to be at work in a couple hours, but still buying more crack. It is obvious your life is unmanageable when you drink so much you are unable to make it to the bathroom. It is obvious your life is unmanageable when you sit with a drink in one hand and a loaded shot gun in your lap trying to decide if tonight is the night to stop the misery once and for all.

The choice I have today is whether or not I want to stay in recovery. For me, staying in recovery means I can’t be around crack. If somebody handed me a pipe, I would not be able to turn it down. I know this about myself—I know I am completely powerless over crack—I choose to stay in recovery by not putting myself in that situation. Over the last couple years I have been growing more comfortable around other people when they drink. However, I know if I pick up that first drink, I will not be able to predict when and if I will ever stop. Today, I have a choice and I choose to stay sober—I choose life.

[Raynaadi]

Wow........so powerful. Thank you so much for sharing. (((( DePressMe )))))

[splitimage]

Wow DePressMe, thanks for sharing that was really powerful - it made me cry.

--splitimage

[gettinbetter201]

Hey everyone!
Look who showed up... remember me from yesterday? I just want to let you all know that finding this website has helped me soooooo much! It's given me so much hope that I can pick myself up out of this hell I've been in and get myself back on the right track. Today was a very productive day for me. I put together my "to do" list as I usually do and then I proceeded calmly, doing one thing at a time, applying the concepts of balance and acceptance as I went from thing to the next.

DePressMe, your post on step one caught my interest because I'm just getting started on the step work again. I've only answered a few questions, but the one thing that you made me think about was the question, "what does the disease of addiction mean to me". I remember when I first entered recovery 5 years ago, thinking that marijuana was my problem and I just had to learn how to quit using it. Now I know that it's not the substance that's the problem. It's my thinking - the obsessing about using and the compulsion to keep on using, even when I don't want to. I learned that I had a disease, not a drug problem. The drugs were the substance I chose to use at the time to deal with the unmanagability the disease was causing me.

Ya'll have a nice evening and I'll see you around the boards and hopefully in chat Tue. night.

C.

[DePressMe]

It seems that step one just never goes away. I find myself constantly needing to go back and reexamine my thoughts on how my addiction still makes my life unmanageable if I don’t keep working at my recovery. Like gettinbetter pointed out, it is my thinking that is the problem not the substances I abused. Just staying off the drugs does not change my thinking—an active recovery program changes my thinking. If my addiction goes untreated, my life becomes unmanageable.

So, what are the things in my life right now that are causing my life to be unmanageable? What is playing into my addiction and hindering me from being truly free? Right now, one thing I am working on is my self absorbed nature. As much as I hate to admit it, the world does not revolve around me. My addiction would like to keep me trapped in a little box where the only thing I can see is myself—the only thing that matters is me—my needs and my wants.

I am working hard at trying to look beyond myself and see that there are others in this world. I can’t be free and be a part of the world if I am constantly wrapped up in my own crap. So, I am opening my eyes and looking into other people’s lives. I am trying to give to others and to be there when somebody requires help or support. I am focusing on being more emotionally available to my boyfriend and friends. All my conversations do not have to be about me. A nice reward of this is that I am discovering that there are some pretty neat people in this world who have interesting lives and who are willing to share with me.