Haven't been here in ages

I felt like I didn't belong since my substance abuse problem grew worse than MI. But now I'm actually basically off drugs, haven't sworn off LSD, but I don't think it really counts as it hasn't caused any troubles, the opposite actually. But I don't feel at all like tripping so I won't for a long time.

My main drugs (daily either one of them) have been Tramadol or buprenorphine. Been doing them IDK 3 years. I have no idea when I started or how it even happened.

I still love opioids. I shan't lie. But the comedowns are really harsh these days. And I ain't young. So yea, I finally kicked the habit for real. It feels like half my country is on Tramadol, it's a dirt cheap drug and that's why it's popular. After I entered the world of drugs (done other types of drugs on and off before but not at this level at least not for that long), I noticed lot of people I actually know a bit are hooked on Tramadol.

I've felt the need to quit prior and I actually did, but in retrospect I still had too much cravings for it to be successful. After the last comedown off bup, man... I'd rather never make myself that sick again.

Next goal after making my body feel better... try to restore my damaged dopamine system. Grumpy as hell and nothing is fun. But I'll work on that. Spring is coming!!!!!! Being in nature sure will heal me. (Also I got a dawg! She is damaged goods but in different ways than me. But means now I will have to go outside and not sit inside for like 2 weeks that happened in the past. It's just outside, not meeting people or other dogs, just out in the outdoors. Shame on me but I bought the dog being high. But luck was on my side there. She is what I needed and I am what she needed. And she is a lovely dog.)

Wish me well on my new opioid free life. The only thing that worries me is that I do fantastic creative writing while on Tramadol. I will totally miss that. I did some really cool stuff years before on an RC benzo but I can't mess with that stuff either. LSD is not leading me anywhere when it comes to writing. I might have to hut down everything creative until I refind the spark.

Congrats on being sober!!!

@-jimi-
congratulations!!!!!!!
bizi

Congrats! Trammodol is addictive even though it is touted as being an alternative to other opiates. The other thing is it acts on parts of the brains similarly to antidepressants in its mechanism of action so I think its very hard to stop.

Congrats--coming off tramadol is the hardest thing I've ever done, by far. As Sarah points out, it does way, way more than just bind to Mu receptors, which is part of why people love it so much.

Good luck on your recovery!!

I had no idea tramadol was addictive. The doctors gave me the impression it wasn't. Thanks for letting me know and glad you were able to get off it.

It's really addictive. It's not much of a pain killer being only a partial blocker. I would say it downright sucks, but meh, I used to love the heck out of that crap.

Both Tramadol and bup have longer comedowns than other opioids. Like Tramadol is about 6x that of heroin and bup is like 3x. Tramadol will not make you heroin type of sick, but bup can come close to it. And yea, coming off Tramadol is like coming off 2 drugs, totally correct. It's horrid. Found 2 of my friends also struggling, trying my best to support them.

I knew of course the risk of addiction. But opioids take fear away so... yea. You stop being afraid of the addiction.

Unfortunately I have known all my life, this class of drug fits me so well. People usually don't get THAT much out of Tramadol, but it was perfect for me.

I will totally miss the fear free years I had. I mean, I have anti anxiety meds, they help too, but there is some weird difference how anti anx meds make you calm and opioids make you feel safe. It's like being hugged by God.

I feel a little sad that I will never be "happy" again, not in that way the drug showed me.

Still I came far, a few months ago my plan was like upgrading to harder drugs and basically run my life into the ground.

Suffering from a bit of a relapse on bup, was short time small dosages, but still got my body to expecting the drug. First few days off violent shivers, fever, sweating, vomiting... yup the whole opi deal... Since this stuff has quite prolonged withdrawals I can expect at least 1-2 weeks more of suffering. Not as bad. But still severe nausea, sweats, bad stomach pain etc. I shower and get new clothes on when I feel safe to be in the shower, so not every day. So I hope for a good day tomorrow because I can't wait to shower this grime off. Like waking and your clothes are soaked through. Ugh.

I have respect whoever quit any of these 2 drugs. For some it actually isn't THAT bad, but for many, it's hell.

Everytime they make a new less addictive med they created a worse one! That is how we have heroin. Was actually offered heroin (free), but I actually somehow managed to back away.

Was still recovering from the Tramadol when the small sub relapse happened. So even if I had been without for weeks, I was still in a quite bad shape. Tramadol withdrawals will wax and wane and fool you it is over. It's not. You go through the same stuff 3-6 times. So yea I pretty much messed up something I had functioning even if some days were hard still. Not gonna feel bad about that. What I go through now is punishment enough.

Quitting has been on my mind for quite some time, so it's not something that is as recent as it sounds. But the final steps are the hardest.

TG for kratom. Sporadic use not to be hooked on that instead but man, it helps. If it wasn't for kratom, I wouldn't stand a chance.

Yeah, every once in awhile I will, for whatever reason, get transported back to when I was one especially horrific weekend in Dallas in a hotel room trying to come off Ultram. That weeked was probably the worst depression and misery I have ever experienced, which is really saying something, given my depression history. Whenever that happens, I have to use all my coping tools to bring myself back to the present moment. It might take a good five minutes before I calm down and realize that isn't happening now. That happened in 1999. That I've been clean for 11 years.

So, I feel for you. Hang in there. It is worth it to be clean. It is true what they say--my worst day clean is better than my best day using. Really. I am just one little recovering mentally ill dude, but I hghly recommend not glamorizing your using days. The truth is, for most of us recovering folks, those using days weren't nearly as good as we may sometimes remember them. That's just your disease messing with your brain.

I have a few 24-hours sober & have had really crappy days along the way. I've always disagreed with the above quote. I hear it a lot around the tables of AA (yeah, I'm one of "those"). I should never forget the really disasterous days I had when drunk. I'm lucky to be alive. I probably had OK days when drunk, but those brushes with disaster came more frequently.

Please know I'm not criticizing your use of the quote. I just hear it a lot & don't really agree with it. Bad shite happens when I drink...

I hear ya. I guess what I should have said is: "I don't drive my car 60 miles an hour straight into a concrete bridge abutment when I am sober."

This is so not better than to be on a drug. I mean in the long run I would agree, but here and now?

What's so damn fancy about chills, massive sweats, massive nausea and stomach pain almost unreal?

Withdrawals don't even scare people away from using.

Day 8. Was a little bit better a few days but now I'm back to where I begun almost. Not a straight line. Days are different in how horrible they are. Cut out the kratom because I felt it was more usable in the past. Now it might just slow me down.

My friend sleeps here a lot but she can't be here right now. It bothers her that I constantly whimper and cry in my sleep, if I manage to sleep.

Everyone I talk to says I should be better right now. Much better. Yea right. Am not. Too bad I don't have a time schedule for this to see when the temperature swings will even out a bit and the nausea, headache, back pain and stomach pain will be milder.

Not that I will back down and start using and try to taper down. There isn't even much to taper with, would be grains pretty much. I know I'm whiny as heck and that I did this to myself. But really, I just can't wait to be able to actually lie down and get decent rest. When I lie down I hurt the most.

Managed to shower but it was a huge struggle and I didn't do it to get cleaner even. Did so I could put dry, clean stuff on, and also I spent 2 hours in the hot shower trying to get my body temp up. Shuddered all the way.

So sorry you are struggling so. I know it's awful, believe me. I have been there so many times with tramadol I could never possibly begin to remember them all. I don't mean to be unkind, but your friends don't know the first thing about tramadol/Ultram. Withdrawal from it is nothing remotely like withdrawal from oxy, say--as you, yourself, know, because it, tramdadol, is nothing like oxy/heroin. The reason it takes so long to recover the mood and temp. regulation stuff is not in my opinion, related to its Mu receptor activity. It is related to all its other functions (eg., glutamate), which are many, many, many.

Could you possibly get ahold of some clonidine? I found it really helped with the autonomic system symptoms, esp. the chills and temp. stuff. Might be worth seeing if you can find some.

Thinking of you and sending you support. I would only add one thing that is probably going to make you hate me, but it must be said. You are not "well" when you are horrifically addicted to a massively brain- and body-altering substance that is destroying your life and opportunities. Addicts--like me--like to use that word as a euphemism for using. I don't think it's acccurate. I think the phrase that should replace it is: "...when I am using..."

I hope you have a better day today!!!!!

Thx. Yea I actually do have a better day. Whew. Not on a functional level, but yesterday was basically hell. When I finally felt I really needed to sleep, I couldn't. Every position I tried hurt something. So I was up every minute for hours trying something. Fell asleep a while sitting up. Can't say that worked out. Was finally allowed some Tylenol and I used that pain relief to fall asleep really quickly. It felt so good sleeping.

Unfortunately I can't any prescription meds unless they are black market. Can't be prescribed anything. Going to docs would meaning I would instantly be banned from my psych meds. For good. And yes, that is how harsh it is here. Also I would be kicked out of psychiatry as a whole as here, addiction care always comes first. That would be a death penalty.

I'm taking a step back and gonna start using kratom for real. It would probably be a lot of highs and lows with it, but I'll try to make my friend help remind taking it, three times a day. I think that would fix me to a point of functioning. I took it yesterday and my sleep debt was so bad I slept the whole day and the night. Least it's better than start using opioids.

I'm still quite sick from withdrawals, and I'm fading away. People go like wow you are pale and you lost so much weight. So, that is my plan.

I never thought physical withdrawals could be so dang long. I wish someone would give me a dang timeline! So I knew when I'd get better. Almost 3 weeks and very little improvement. If you ever stopped this crap, how long did it even take?

I'm not gonna stop being drug free. Also Tramadol is really hardcore. Don't underestimate it. Depends on your brain chemistry though if you get really hooked on it. Also it its basically the number 2 drug in my country for lethal overdoses. So IT'S NOT HARMLESS and it can be hell to quit.

good luck in your journey......
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

So sorry you are still struggling, Jimi. I would say all in all, it took about 4-5 weeks before I started to feel like a human again. But I think my mood was affected even longer. Just a horrific drug.

Hang in there. You are doing awesome!! We support you !!!!

Thanx. Been given a realistic timeline is very valuable.

You can do it!! Don't give up!!

So I did 3 weeks, and at the end of that, I felt better physically. Not all OK or anything, but clearly the worst stuff has passed. It's been hard. Now for the mental hell. Sigh. I have no other choice than try to struggle through it. While so dopesick I just wished for my body to stop acting up. But now I wonder how long I will feel depressed like heck. Also I have a lot of work to do to get strength back since I basically maybe walked 2 kilometers in all in three weeks. So out of shape. Not to complain. But heck... this is the hardest time quitting. The others have been much easier. It's like it was giving me hell cuz I didn't plan to start up again. LOL.

Anyway... what will I be now that I'm no longer a drug addict? I mean, all the time spent for drug contacts, purchase, trying to keep safe from authorities, getting untainted stuff... all that took up quite a bit of time. Now I'm nothing.

No, now you are sober. And that is a helluvan accomplishment. Especially coming from that drug. Good on you!!!

I would urge you to do more walking. It has been shown to be a very effective depression treatment and will get some happy chemicals going for you. Just keep doing what you're doing. It is only going to get better from here.

Good for you for getting through the worst of the physical withdrawals.

I can relate to suddenly having all this time free that used to be spent on using. When I quit drinking at first, I had literally hours freed up every day. I wound up picking up some new hobbies, to help keep me occupied, and also as a distraction from wanting to drink.

Hang in there. You can do this.

splitimage

I probably should have a health care plan where I do the same crap every day, by discipline even if I don't want it. Like clean, take care of things and yea I need to walk more, our dog needs it and my "partner" needs to walk the dog less. I don't want any hobbies, I have a lot of things I am interested in but I don't wanna ruin them by trying when I don't feel any joy. I'll do other things instead. Maybe if I get in the habit of taking care of myself and my home, things will feel less out of hand.

I had a huge setback in my home improvement this winter because I let someone into my home that basically ruined it. My plan was to fix things up and now I'm back in the negatives, step wise. Maybe if I get that under control and up to date, it will feel better. I think that is better than trying to do anything fun.

I need to contact my doc for sleep meds. If this would ever work.

Last time I quit I actually came to the point I was feeling some joy without drugs. So it should come back. Even if it takes time.

It's sad that my creative writing the last years has worked because of different substances. It feels bad to put that on hold but I have no other option.

I know the first fun I will relate to is music. Will be happier when that comes back.

So yea I need to put my home back together after the guest, and my life back together after years of using. That doesn't feel too bad in a way, at least it is some kind of project.

And I got rid of my "friend" who kept nagging me to do things and said what is stopping me is just laziness (I have quite bad physical health to begin with and also ADD that makes it hard for me to start things), he kept lying to me that I had no problems and I should just up and do stuff. Least I know now, whatever I do, I fought for.

It is not the only friend I got rid of, four in all. So a lot in my life is really different from just a while ago. Does feel good in a way. Life really became so different from what I had planned. In some ways I needed those people, but now I have to do without.

Even before I feel better mentally, I'll try to nurture my relationship with my "partner", "sister", "soulmate", whatever you want to call her. I have been relying on her so heavily. I think I have to fake it for her, because that relationship is my most important one with a person.

I just wonder why I even quit, I sort of did fine doped up, I never got like totally out of it, and I didn't actually use up such money as expected. In a way my life was better, I just came to the point where the drug became an enemy. That happens with opioids, they stop being your friend. I wish in a way I could back down time and handled them more responsively. I mean, I was happy on that stuff. Sad it can't be forever, I have a hard time accepting that.

But my life will be easier, loads easier. A bit more money and no fear of the cops finding out what I'm doing. Being paranoid about the law is kind of a huge thing. Cuz yea, it is real. People get caught.

So in a way I do know what way to go.

It's just really weird to have your life and home destroyed by a "guest" and then decide to quit drugs on top of that. Well I actually started quitting before the stuff with guest. So I guess that is why.

I'm also slowly losing my best friend, my kitty. He is so strong he beat the odds and should already be gone. Now that he fought so well, the day he passes I will be... surprised. Shocked. He is "just old", with worn out kidneys.

Someone said I did well quitting. Like really meaning it being impressed. I came to think about that. What if it's true? What if this was a big deal and not just an everyday thing expected from me? What if I actually suffered and didn't just make it up? What if I actually did a big thing? IDK, that just made me happy to hear.

I'm used to hearing nothing I do is good or enough.

My "partner" has some kind of atypical depression so she is mostly negative, no fault of her own. She is resilient and reliable, in a way you wouldn't believe. But at the same time she really gets people down. She doesn't have introspective skills so she has no idea why things happen and what she can do about them.

But I know I have to make her happy. Pay back for everything good she did to me.

Maybe one day she can stop being hurtful to people, in the past I trained her similar to a dog LOL. And I got her then to get a more positive outlook and a friendlier way. But just one friend fighting another persons depression isn't easy, so I had to give up.

Having additional problems seem to make me focus away from the no drugs thing, so in a way it is good.

The thing I feel a bit bad about is the friends that are hours away. I really wanna see them but I'm not strong enough.

Usually I don't make messes out of posts, but I'll just keep this like it is..... sorta straight look into my brain, LOL.

This is a terrific post!

This is hard work that you are doing.
You are worthy of this effort!
bizi

Doing stuff in the day... eh, that hasn't worked so far. OK, I do minor stuff which I have to do, otherwise I've just slept. Dang, that felt good. I can't wait to go back to bed.

Worst of the physical crap is definitely over. Mentally it will take a while. In a way I wonder why I even did this, I mean I wanted control back.

But people have been so dang negative. I'm not talking random people online, but people who are close. I dunno why they were so hellbent on me failing, or saying I was a nicer on drugs. All kind of negative crap. I don't get it because these are generally good people, so I don't know where this attitude came from. It irks me that I don't even understand. I mean sure I had to take me-time because of this, but surely they must understand I'm not gonna be sick and self centered for good?