[youOme]

**drug and alcohol use in detail**



It may sound like an excuse but I think I am more impulsive then I've ever considered. I knew sometimes my decision making is haste but lately it's been ignorant. I received a large sum of money recently and have been blowing it all on stupid %#@&#!. Last night I was in town and down the shopping the strip was my favorite liquor store. I decided to go in there and buy a small fifth of Smirnoff and those little sample bottled box of Smirnoff too. I came home and started drinking with my husband and friend. After my husband went to bed, because he had to wake up early to go to work, I went over to my friends apartment. This is the friend that I've been avoiding lately trying to stay clean.

Well to make a long story short her and I sucked the vodka down and she convinced me to smoke some pot with her in my drunken state. Normally I can say no to pot because I'm losing my job and know I will need to be clean just in case I get drug screened again.

The pot smoking wasn't just some regular bowl, joint, whatever...she showed me how to smoke out a fog bong. I never seen it before and didn't realize how high it would get me. We smoked it and the next thing I know my hearts pounding in my chest and I feel like I'm panicking. I needed to lay down to avoid throwing up. The mixture of the vodka and the powerful hits of weed really messed with me.

As I laid on the couch trying not to puke and convincing myself I am not having a heart attack I realized it's not worth feeling like this anymore. Sure getting high and drunk is fun but it always ends up with me feeling like %#@&#! the entire next day. I was soooo panicked and guilty....and very paranoid.

It's not the first time I broke my sobriety to be honest. The other day I had a situation at work and spiked my Hawaiian Punch to make it through the day. By the end of my shift I was quite buzzed and messing up. I'm making bad choices.

I'm not sure what to do and how to do it. Maybe it's to late or I am hopeless. My drinking takes over and gives me artificial motivation. If I didn't lack in self esteem then I wouldn't need booze for bravery. I need some self fixing and understanding support from people who won't judge me.

Sorry so long, just worried about everything and disappointed in myself.

[Perna]

{{{youOme}}}

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youOme said:
Last night I was in town and down the shopping the strip was my favorite liquor store. I decided to go in there

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I think one has to start before that decision is made, even before stepping onto the strip alone.

I think I'd do something creative for myself, something costly. I'd write up a flier with my picture on it, take it to all the liquor stores in a 30 minute drive/location radius, ask to talk to the owner/manager, and give them the flier and $20 and tell them (the dated flier would say also) "Do not sell this woman/me anything from your store, ever again." I'd give them the $20 so they wouldn't think they were losing money and they'd remember me well :-) and so that I would lose money, several hundred dollars. I'd make it an "ugly" picture too so I'd be embarrassed to go in there and beg :-)

[Mouse_]

nah you wouldn't LOL!

[Perna]

Or, I'd just carry a packet of posters and 5-$20's with me wherever I went as a "threat" to myself. I could go in and buy but the rule would be I had to also give them the picture poster and an "extra" $20. I'd be too embarrassed?

I've made a fool of myself several times and was the running joke at the company I worked at for 8+ years. But, I only drank too much the first 2-3 years worth of parties! I got a whole lot of embarrassing pictures, memories, and stories going around and that worked fine for all the parties afterwards, the rest of my "career" there. I made sure I had rides the first couple years and then drove myself which also meant I couldn't drink too much. It worked. Now I have my husband who doesn't drink nearly as much as I will/can if allowed so that puts limits on me also. I know I married him for something :-)

[Junerain]

Don't be tooooo disappoointed in yourself 'cause then you won't believe you can fight the next battle.....and there will be a next battle.......you can do it........

[DePressMe]

We have all struggled and been where you are at right now. Now is not the time to be disappointed in yourself. Right now, you need to muster up as many good thoughts about yourself as you can so that you can move past this. It important that you see yourself as worthy of sobriety. You are worthy! You are not hopeless—very few are hopeless. One reason you are not hopeless is because you are here asking for help and being honest about yourself.

It is true drinking does take over—it does give us artificial motivation and can make us appear brave. In reality we are often fooling ourselves. How motivated and brave did you feel when you were lying on the couch trying not to throw up? Please don’t feel as if I am judging you—I am an alcoholic and addict too—there is no room for us to judge each other. There is only room for us to love and support one another.

You have a tough road ahead of you. For one thing, the woman you have been trying to get out of your life is going to see this as a sign that it is now okay for her to hang with you. Be strong, explain things to her if you can—let her know you are trying to make a better life for yourself. Tell her you stumbled but that you don’t plan on doing it again.

In order to stay sober, it was vital that I develop a plan of recovery. I had to be proactive and make changes in my life. Do you have a plan? Are you willing to make changes? I really, truly hope you decide to get clean because bad things happen to those of us who use. The bad choices you mentioned will eventually lead to bad consequences. Stop now, stop before it gets any worse…. If you have the desire to get sober and are honest, you will find a way to get and stay sober.

Today is a new day—today is a good day to get clean and sober. Things will get better, things will get easier but you have to work for it. If recovery was easy and did not require effort, everybody would be doing it…You don’t have to do this alone. I am here to support you 100%. Please, PM me if you want to talk or work on a plan or if you just need to vent.

[splitimage]

(((YouOme)))

I have had multiple relapses in my attempts at sobriety. They are not fun. But with each one, I've learned a little more about how bad I feel when I drink. It sounds like you had a bad experience with the alcohol and drugs - try to remember what that felt like the next time you feel like picking up.

But don't be too hard on yourself. Addictions are a tough thing to get out of. Recovery is hard. In fact it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. But it's worth it.

You can treat this as a learning experience and start over with today being a new day of sobriety.

Good luck.

--splitimage

[trixielou]

i did too night before last. smoked crack after 3 months staying off of it. then when its gone its such an awful feeling i get into my klonopins to bring me back down to normal & i have to cut my usual dose for a few days so i dont run out early. ive found the worst thing is good shame & toxic shame. good shame is looking at the whole picture & making a plan & moving forward despite the relapse. toxic shame is beating yourself up with guilt & addicts tend to just gravitate back to the alcohol & drugs if u allow yourself to stay in that rut. ive battled alcohol & drugs even had a 5 year period of sobriety from 25-30 but went back to that hideous dark place of addiction. like being in prison. if i take a drink i cant quit without help i get the shakes hear things that arent there the minute my feet hit the floor in the morning i have to have a drink. its all a lie from Satan from the pit of Hell!!!

[StarPonysMama]

Totally understand where you are coming from. Had kind of the same experience the other night. Normally I have been a beer addict. The other night I ended up irresponsibly hanging out with a girl that I KNOW is a bad influence. Not that I don't drink just on my own but, she usually intensifies it. Next thing I know - three shots of tequila later, and I have all these people at my home "partying down". I look back and see how easy it would have been to say "no". But, I didn't. I don't beat myself up about it. Then next day I was sooo hungover..................I decided I needed soul-searching and rented a hotel room in a neighboring city just to "get away" and analyze what had happened.

At that point I have made a conscious decision to end it. It has to stop. I feel guilty for some of the things I did that night. I was disrespectful to a few people. Upon returning from the hotel room, I apologized to my friends and family. The bad influence girl had her sister to call and "check on me" and I simply told her to pass the message that I am through with her and her influence.

This is what WE know. People like you and I. We like to drink. We use it as a cure to stress, anxiety, happiness, and sadness. Alcohol in our mind can cure any emotion. The fact is it often causes these emotions and in turn, we drink more to cover them up and escape reality. We need to face them head on - like a strong soldier.

Don't beat yourself up about the incident. Understand that it was wrong and it made you be a person that disgusts you. BUT - DONT HARP ON IT. If you do, it gives you the feeling that you want to escape again. Understand that you did it, it was wrong, and there HAS to be a CHANGE.

I can't say anything about the spiking the drink at work. Don't think my alcohol addiction has ever gone that far.

From the bottom of my heart I wish you the best of luck! STAY STRONG!

[youOme]

Thanks everyone for the understanding support. I have some issues here I need to face if I plan to accomplish the things I've been working my *** off for in the last few years. I fear if I continue messing up on occasion that I may slip back into an everyday thing and damage what I have gained. My mind is still a mess from this event and one afterwards too. I didn't reply because I was ashamed that I did it again.

I am sober today.

The "Girl" who happens to be disruptive and extremely annoying is getting my hint now. I've been ignoring her calls. Having class every night helps keep me busy, I won't miss class for nothing.

I appreciate ya'll not being harsh on me, even if I deserved it.

I have a question though.

If your getting sober and haven't used in awhile do you have pouts of confusion and forgetfulness....lose track of typical daily things??? Did you have hard times sleeping too??

[splitimage]

If you're coming off alcohol, there's something called post acute withdrawl syndrom. It's after you're over the initial physical withdrawl as your brain adjusts to life without chemicals. Effects include short term memory loss, and difficulty with concentration. It took me about 6 months after I stopped drinking for my brain to feel like it was back to normal. Don't know if there's an equivalent for other drugs. And yes insomnia is pretty common after you stop using.

I find drinking a relaxing herbal tea right before bed helps.

--splitimage

[Raynaadi]

Took me awhile to be able to sleep. Sugar is good when you're newly sober because alcohol converts to sugar in the body, so cravings a lot of times hit because of lack of sugar. So keep candy on ya and pop a piece if a craving hits. And drink plenty of water.

[StarPonysMama]

splitimage - short term memory loss is totally true for me too! I burnt chicken in the oven last night!!!!! I forgot about it and have never done that! But still, a small price to pay for the wonderful feeling of being sober!