[horsecab]

I let drinking take me to an attempted suicide. That was over a year now. I went almost a year before I drank again. What triggered me? The self destructive pattern I have when seeking relationships with women. I drank a second time about five weeks later, and a third time, binging this last saturday. I'm worried that I am once again starting to look to booze to escape the emotional pain that I seem powerless to heal in my life. I know what I do wrong with relationships, and yet I still find myself subconsciously attracted to the same situations. It's so much easier just to get a bottle and escape, and forget women. With all the meds I'm on now, I really felt like crap when I drink, and coming off the booze my anxiety is in overdrive. I've been to AA, I don't think that would help me now. I'm AvPD anyway. But I sure could use your encouragement to stay strong till I get over this last heart ache. I haven't drank since saturday.

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by horsecab

I haven't drank since saturday.

That is a beginning horsecab...

I really don't know what to tell you...you already know what you need to know...your drinking almost killed you... Its a tragic way to die...since it is so avoidable...

Since you have been to AA you also know that this problem can be solved,,,but it does take a willingness to take suggestions and change...

This problem is fare easier to solve within the power of community...it is especially difficult to work through alone as isolation is an aspect of its cunning..

With Care,

Lenny

[Capp]

horsecab,
Lenny made a good point about Saturday being a good start. We all have to start somewhere.

Jme, but perhaps separating your problems--self destructive behavior, AvPD--from your alcoholism might be a good idea for just a little while...I understand that all of these things are rolled into one big pain.
However, if you don't stay away from the booze there ain't a darn thing in your life that will improve...

Give AA another go. No one is required to speak, so you can sit and listen. Do your best to hear things that are the same way you feel--put aside any feelings of not belonging.
Every person in that room is there for one reason:
To Get Through Just One More Day Without Drinking.

Keep posting here. We've walked the same steps in getting sober. Most of us, myself included, were brought to our knees from our drinking.
You already know, horsecab, that it is not easy.
But I hear in your post that you are getting real sick of being sick and tired.
You are asking for help, and we are willing to give it. One day at a time...
It's up to you to decide to take it one day at a time. If you can't do a day at a time, do ten minutes at a time--something I've done myself.

You are being given another chance. You are alive. You may not be well, but you are alive.
From there you can take the first steps into a life of sobriety...so much more beautiful to live sober than drunk/hung over/full of guilt and shame.

Keep coming back. At some point you will hear/read something that will open your heart and help you.

My very best wishes,
Cap

horsecab
Cap and Lenny are both right you took the first step.
My sister had to go to rehab((there was more involeve thou))
AA she goes to too . Which has really helped her imo
She also sees a T which I think imo she needed

Take care of you first right now. The rest will follow after you feel better
imo

best to you (((remember you matter)))))
muffy

[trevorzero]

Perhaps an inpatient treatment program might be the best possible action you could take right now. It's usually the case that half-measures rarely get the job done when there are big problems to solve.

(As you can see, I am back at PC. It's good to "see" you again.)

[madisgram]

HC, thank you for sharing what's going on with you. glad you have been sober since saturday. each day of sobriety is moving another day away from a drink.
jme, but they told me to separate my living problems from my drinking problems.
we can try to "escape" from our life using booze but the reality of it is when we "come to" we're still with the same problems and perhaps a few more. worse yet our drinking problem is still there waiting to call on us again. viscious cycle of despair.
hope this helps. hang in there one minute at a time if need be...you can do this if you want to get that "ball and chain from around your tired neck" and "the monkey off your back".
stay in touch with us cause we are happy to support your efforts to stay sober.
it's paying it forward. there's power in numbers....

[horsecab]

Thanks for your support everyone! It really helps. I saw my T today and she suggested I go to a relapse prevention group that meets where I get my therapy. I did this when I first got off the stuff and it was a great help. And yes, I really need to work on my life to make it into something I look forward to, instead of something I look to escape from. Thanks again!

[madisgram]

that's great news, horsecab!!!! you took action and are willing to "walk the walk". keep us posted, K? sobriety is such a wonderful way to live. i wish you the very best!

[Capp]

Originally Posted by horsecab

Thanks for your support everyone! It really helps. I saw my T today and she suggested I go to a relapse prevention group that meets where I get my therapy. I did this when I first got off the stuff and it was a great help. And yes, I really need to work on my life to make it into something I look forward to, instead of something I look to escape from. Thanks again!

Thank you, horsecab!
Sharing with us has helped me to stay sober. I remember those dreadful days of being sick and ashamed and afraid.
It's one of the reasons I am fiercely protective of my sobriety.

I applaud your honesty and willingness to keep at it one day at a time.
May I suggest something? Tackle the booze first and as your head "clears" it will get easier to work through the other things. It may cause some real discomfort when you stop numbing yourself with alcohol, but try and remember it's actually a good step and a sign of progress.
Jme, but the important thing to remember is the call of relief...aka taking a drink...is very seductive, Very.
Use everything you can so that call goes unanswered.

Horsecab, it's a solitary path that you are walking. But you have companions (us) who are walking parallel paths of staying sober. When you falter, don't hesitate to say so. Sometimes taking just a minute or two to post here or call someone is enough to help you get by that tense moment of wanting to drink.
I spent a whole lotta time on the phone with my sponsors when I felt like crap, doubled up on meetings, and stomped my foot in frustration. There were days when I kept someone company when they were going through the same thing.
Give and take.

Peace and Power to you,
Cap

[Puffyprue]

proud of horse coz he have courage to go to AA meeting
go horse

[lynn P.]

Hi Horsecab and others,
I applaud your efforts in continuing to stay sober. I personally don't drink but I would like to tell about what it's like to have a family member drink. I lost my older brother (61yrs.} last April to alcohol poisonning. He stuggled with alcoholism all of his adult life. I remember when I was 5 waking up in the morning and seeing him passed out on the kitchen floor. I ran back to my room too scared and confused. He tried many times to get sober but ultimately it took his life. He was married and had 1 child and they too were victims of his addiction. I always felt I never really knew him because it made his personality so unpredictable. I'm telling my story hoping that it will make a difference in someones life and give them the strength to slay the battle of addication once and for all. I really wish it was never invented.
In relation to women being the main reason for your drinking, I would say- work on building a strong self esteem within yourself. Know that by yourself,you are a complete person. If you think of yourself as a complete person, it is then you can accept being in a healthy relationship. A woman doesn't make you complete. I wish you the best of luck in your fight.

[Capp]

lyn,
Thank you so very much for sharing with us.
I know how hard it must have been for you to look at these memories again.

Your honesty about it is powerful, and I sincerely believe it will help someone. Seeds are planted although we may never see the harvest...

It's painful to hear about another human being who could not grasp what he could do one day at a time...far too many times it's been my sorrow to see someone go to jail or to their graves.
Even with that, I do not take my sobriety for granted.

Peace to you and thank you again for your courage in sharing,
Cap

[luvboxers]

Thats great your gonna do a relapse prevention group,but for me,I've been clean 8 yrs. and in the begining everyone suggested a 12 step program and I was like na, did that one before,finally I started going to the different meetings all over town and started to meet some really cool people, I felt that for the people that had been around a long time were very helpful, and of coarse theres the clicks, but at the point where I was I had to honestly do what it takes, and I did, went to meetings, got a sponsor and before long my support system was everywhere, that was big key for me, was the support from family, friends and people struggling like myself or people that have been where I was, it all worked itself out, not to mention I did intense counseling 5 days a week, oh I did in patient many times years earlier, but this time was different, I commited to all those things I shared with you. I did the program for a few yrs. and after I started having babies, I kinda got away from all that. now I am clean and I rarely look back at all the B.S. Im very greatful to whereIm at in my life things are o k but now I have other things going on, and depression is kicking my but, along with a few other things, but the recovery thing is cool. Good Luck to you and check it out again.
[/quote]

[angel12]

sorry i am kinda low on words, i know for once lol. so all i can say is i love you and think you are amazing


Angel xx

[kittenkirk]

In reply to your responds to everyone's encouragement I noticed the date: Feb. 27, 2009 which is my new sobriety day. After not drinking for 8 years & 2 weeks, I decided to allow an active (old drinking buddy) friend come and live with me. It wasn't long before she and I were drinking together....but I was smart enough to send her on her way...but not smart enough to not allow her back in again...so after twice relapsing and getting 90 days again....I realized that it wasn't my friend that got me drunk, it was me! And of course, again, alone I left my apartment at 3:00am in the morning and went to the all night store and bought some beer to drink alone all by myself. So now I'm attending AA meetings to build up a support group, I have a new sponsor and I'm back at my old home group where I celebrated my 1st, 2nd, and 5th year anniversaries.
I know relationships were part of my relapse cause I've never been without one...even in sobriety...now I am alone for the first time and it's scary but I can do it! Cause a healthy man won't want a drunken woman. And Mr.Right is going to have a sober woman when he comes around looking for me....lol In the meantime, I'm ok being alone because I'm never alone, anymore. I hope that adds some light on the subject. Love, Kathy