Frustrated

I am 38 years old have suffered off and on with differing degrees of anorexia since I was a child. I have had 15 surgeries and 5 in the past year. I had stomach surgery last year and since then it seems like I can hardly eat. I also had my tonsils out and have had sinus surgery since November which has made my sense of taste all but just disappear. I have not tried to lose so much weight but since I have now it seems like I am obsessed with my weight again. I am getting confused in the head and am not sure if I like this or not. There is part of me that wants to continue losing but part of me that is scared but part excited. Anyone else have similar feeling if not the same problem?

Since you're not sure I would get help now before it becomes to hard to resist. I have fluctuated and struggled so much with my eating disorder that last time I had those feelings I gave in. I have slowly upped my intake to upgrade to ED NOS but I find that I'm gripping to my ED tooth and nail. It seems like any little thing can throw our careful little balance between recovery and relapse. I completely understand why you feel the way you do and I urge you to get help fast.

Well, I'm sure that with your gustatory nerves diminished, it probably seems like a blessing to lose your appetite. I can relate to the high when you're inspired to lose weight. I was just reading research that seemed to suggest that anorexics tend to get a significant high from starving / restricting whereas the obese tend to get their high when they eat. I can certainly vouch for it. The article was probably even presented here on PC. I'm probably not what you would call "recovered" or "struggling with recovery". I accept me the way I am, bulimically anorexic. The Romans had their vomitoriums and now it's supposed to be a health hazard. Of course, yes, big difference in practice. lol

My struggle is with resisting the urge to binge after I've been doing so well avoiding it. There is a point at which the high from starving disappears and depression sets in. I can't stand that feeling. It's dismal, discouraging, low-energy and uninspiring. My brain rejects that state of being. The brain cells signal "we want food!" And food they get. Until the guilt sets in and out it goes. Then I'm back on my high for several days or a couple of weeks. And so it goes.

I totally understand. I have been "recovered" for about 11 years now. But, I recently suffered a concussion and I cannot exercise or anything, which is killing me. I have always since "recovery" obsessed about my weight, but now that I can't exercise, I am freaking. I have actually lost 5 pounds, but I don't feel like it at all, in fact, quite the opposite.

I guess my whole point to answer your question, is YES, omgosh I was SO happy to see the scale move, and know what I am capable of, but am scared of that fact. I guess my one lucky thing is that with my brain recovering, I cannot physically do the things I would have to do in order to succumb to the ED again.

I agree with Miguel's Mom that maybe get some help or continue talking here so that you don't go down that path again. Because of your post, it seems like you are tempted, but are just tempted. Definitely catch it before it is too late. The forum here is a great start.

best of luck, keep us posted