[Alittlelost]

It will be three years this August that I have been discharged from being an inpatient, Two years this month that I was discharged from outpatients and with a grand total of five years in eating disorders services I find myself following that same slippery slope.

Iv'e watched as my fellow inpatients have been readmitted discharged and readmitted again over the last three years, as I stood by in awe at how the treatment failed them.

I don't feel as I am following a path as such but merely being dragged down it. Part of me is feeling so strong to succeed whilst there is only a small part of me trying to retreat.

I remember when my anorexia took hold the first time, I remember how it manifested, I know the warning signs but still I don't know if this is the beginning of a relapse or a small blip but what I do know is that I am spending every waking hour thinking about it. . I'm telling myself to wait and see how it pans out, if I lose a bit of weight it can't be a bad thing but isn't that the anorexia talking, dragging me further? or is it just the natural thing to do?

[AngelWolf3]

I hope that you find your way up the slope, or even away from it. It is sooo hard. I am finding that even after 11 years, I deal with the same thing.

I don't say that to discourage you of course! I just want you to know that there are people out here that are feeling the same way you do. We can't lose hope, just keep trying. (easier said than done as I struggle day by day as well.)

hugs to you. Keep us posted. We are all here for each other.

[Alittlelost]

Thank you for such a supportive reply. It's been another tough day with my thoughts and I'm still none the wiser. Meeting a friend today helped although I found myself obsessed with searching the crowds for eating disordered people. Isn't it strange how they're everywhere when your mind is obsessed with the it.

I told my first lie today about what I've eaten in over two years and I can safely say I felt distraught and that pang of anxiety took hold. Brought my first diet fizzy pop since inpatient, these are signs things are definitely not okay but I still relish the feeling but part of me is terrified.

[AngelWolf3]

I do the same things with crowds and people on TV too! I don't even know why! I just thought it was me being silly/crazy (although maybe it is who knows). At least now I know I'm not the only one that does this.

It's hard being alone with thoughts! I am so glad I can write about them and know that someone out there is dealing with the same thing!

[Alittlelost]

I think it's completely normal for an eating disordered person to do this, or at least that Is what I was told. It's a very competitive disorder. When I was in inpatients and nearing my healthy weight I struggled tramendously with new patients being admitted, I was so envious. Obversly this was the disorder talking.

When I left inpatient I've tried avoiding eating disordered people for this exact reason, but I now find myself welcoming it again. Even though It makes me feel worthless doing it.

I hope you are well, wolfin

[AngelWolf3]

Thank you, I am doing well...a little stressed out this week. I have returned to therapy in hopes of dealing with some of my issues, but it's hard because when I start talking about them, it brings all the memories back and I want to retreat back into the ed. (which i know would probably help the emotions go away...but not good)

So, I am dealing, and still trying to enjoy food without the guilt that comes afterward. Sometimes, though, like you, I relish in it and almost welcome it because then it would help me go back to where I was before "recovery." Oh well...that's the disordered way of thinking. I want to give in, but I don't.

Sorry to dump all that on you today! I do hope you are doing well, also!

[Alittlelost]

I remember that feeling all too well, I'm sorry you are feeling so stressed. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though so keep plodding alone. Therapy is where the true recovery begins.

Saw a friend today who I haven't seen a week or so and if her or her fella asked me one more time if I was okay I would have bitten their heads off but once again it was lovely to have some company.

[lost_ina_world]

we all will get better it just takes time progress happends slow not over night just keep faith