I'm slipping back into it...

I'm fighting depression, and addiction, right now. I'm fighting so hard. But all this stress, and the depression is just leading me back down this road. For years I struggled with anorexia. I've been having these weird things happening lately.... This girl will walk up to me and tell me that if I want everything to be better in my life, that I need to make myself beautiful, again. That I need to stop eating, and start doing the drugs that make it so it's impossible for me to eat. Then she disappears. I just want to be beautiful, again... Maybe then everyone would love me, again. Crap. I have a lot of issues, guys. I'm sorry for always dumping all of my problems on you guys. You're the only ones who accept me, and are here for me. I can never thankyou enough for that.

I completely understand what you are feeling. Here to listen...

I can definitely relate to the stress leading you down toward that path again. Can you come up with a list of reasons why you DON'T want to relapse? I found that reminding myself of all the consequences of anorexia (e.g. health consequences, not being able to concentrate, etc) helps me stay on track.
Hang in there!

I can't come up with any reason. My body's already damaged from the last time I was doing that... I don't care if it hurts me. I just want to feel okay, again. And all I really want is to actually be beautiful, again.

I always thought ahh nothing bad physically will happen to me as a result of restricting my food / fluids but 10 years down the line I have an irregular heart beat, messed up blood sugar levels and need regular checks on my potassium levels with iv drips every now and then and anaemia. You got to think of all the bad things that will happen as a result of not eating. When you were at a lower weight did you really truly see yourself as beautiful or was there still a voice in your head telling you that if you lost a few more pounds then you would be beautiful enough. The horrible fact of anorexia is that you will never be thin enough to make you feel beautiful .

But looking back to when I was really, really skinny... I'm seeing now that I was beautiful. But having a boyfriend that knows about that in my past... he tries to shove food in my mouth, so that there's no way I can not eat. I was like that for 4 years... plus taking certain drugs to make it impossible to eat, and I have so many health problems... it's insane. :O

Oh, I know what you mean about looking back at the pictures...I do that too. I think I am going to have to stop doing that, though, and yet, part of me knows I wont. It feels like a never-ending battle sometimes. The arguing that goes on in my (yours too?) head, contradicting oneself, it's enough to drive anyone mad. (guess that's why we post here, huh, lol ) Anyway, I hope that you find an answer...

I always argue with myself. My boyfriend and I are engaged, now... and he told me that if I do that, he won't be able to keep from making anorexic jokes. And he told me that if I lose more than than a certain amount of weight, he won't find me attractive anymore. I weigh more than my goal weight now. So I have to choose between the person I love, and loving the way I look. O_O

I get the pulling back in, but I find the depths of anorexia to be a wretched hell. There is no beauty in stringy hair, loose teeth, dry skin, hair growing all over your body, never being able to warm yourself or go anywhere where there might be food.....nothing pretty at all about it.

The straw hair & the looking like a walking skeleton with skin hanging off if it.....just really isn't a pretty sight. The Central line with IV nutrition & then manage to knick the lung while inserting the central line & your laying in the hospital bed feeling even worse than you already felt after passing out all the time......there is just nothing that causes anorexia to hold any value at all & there is definitely nothing beautiful at all about it.......the older you get the more wrinkles it leave in your skin.....nothing like looking 90 when your only 53.......definitely not a pretty picture, nothing that even looks fat about that picture even in a mirror

I have just always wanted to be good enough. I have so much to live up to, when it comes to looks in my family. My sister is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. All anyone says is "She's so beautiful. When are you going to look as good as her? Either make it happen or just give up and face the fact that you'll never be good enough." Or, "Wow, you're sister is SO BEAUTIFUL. What the hell happened to you!?" *sigh* I don't know. I just want to be attractive enough to at least be accepted by my family.

That's sad when family make looks be such an important thing in life.......sorry, but I don't believe that looks are what makes the person attractive.....& truly believe that character, personality, & mind are really the only things that count when it comes to relating to people & what I think of them.

I'm sorry that you ended up buying into that thinking.....but it's something that can be changed....not something you have to hold onto even if your family chooses to be so shallow.