[eskielover]

I came to PC....my first posts were in this forum. Didn't realize at the time how bad the stress induced anorexia was going to actually become at that time (October 10, 2004)....by January/February 2005, mother had died from the cancer, I had gone through a horrible trauma with the home care person..... & ended up in the medical hospital.....no one understanding how all of that could effect my weight so badly.

Fast forward to today......almost 8 years later........my husband (who I separated from but couldn't get a divorce from because of financial issues)......is now causing stress for me because of his defaulting on the house we own together in Calif.....he quit paying the RE taxes in 2011 & then quit paying the house payment in march......because I"m on the loan, it's effecting my credit.

When I left him 5 years ago....I left leaving most of my things there with hopes that I would get back to get them not everythinking that he would loose the house....but moving 2100 miles away.....it's expensive to drive my huge truck across the country (almost $1000 in gas). The real gotcha in all this is that he never said a word to me & denied that he was hiding anything from me & lied when I confronted him about not making the payments...he said he was trying for a loan modification when in reality, he had never even spoken with the mortgage company. I have been dealing with the mortgage company, the assessors offices, the IRS.....which I also had to deal with when I first moved here & was still recovering from the previous anorexia issues I had.

I am trying to eat....but have no appetite.....I get busy dealing with the issues & forget to eat....have been so busy that all the dishes are piled up in the kitchen & nothing to eat on.....& can't really figure out what I feel like eating that will settle anyway.

Have already started loosing more weight than I know is healthy....but I'm still at a safe weight......but in the past, I know when stress hits & the weight starts coming off, it's not a good thing.....think my metabolism goes into hyperdrive....& what little I do eat doesn't keep the weight on.

Feeling dizzy I know from the stress.....& just feel like going to bed to sleep it off, but know that going to bed without eating anything (even for a nap) isn't a good thing either when I am already feeling dizzy. Toast & peanut butter is a staple right now......before I lived on grilled cheese sandwiches & oatmeal cookies, but don't have the energy to even make anything right now......need easy food that I can stick in the microwave....but it doesn't taste good to me & I only end up eating a bite or 2 & throwing the rest away.

I am trying to use my DBT skills to keep my emotions & my distress under control.......but it seems that I am still struggling even with trying to use the skills. I took the weekend off & had fun with a friend all friday afternoon/evening & had dinner we made.......I went to the park & had a wonderful picnic dinner & went to an outdoor play with out church.......& Sunday, went to church, out to lunch & then to a hymn sing & pot luck in the evening.......could hardly eat anything but ate a little everywhere because I knew I wouldn't feel like making food for myself at home.

So all my wonderful skills of doing other activities & letting my mind stop thinking about the problems.....I get back on Monday & today.....& I'm ready to fall apart again & feeling even worse than I did before I used my DBT skills. I am focusing so hard on my wise mind solution to the problems....it's really hard to shut my mind off when I am NOT AWAY from it all.

Metabolism I am sure plays a part in it because stress has always made me loose weight.....sometimes during mid-terms & finals at the uni, I would eat a whole batch of brownies, not get sick at all......or a whole bag of M&M's....never had bulimia.....& I would end up loosing weight while studying. Know my dad had that kind of metabolism also......but he also had high blood pressure & heart problems with low weight. Who knows where I am right now.....when I moved to KY, I only got my pain specialist to take care of my meds for my migraines...........didn't bother with a GP because I hadn't been really sick. I was so used to having low blood pressure that finding it high was a bit of a shock & a bit in denial because I'm sure I just need the fish oil & sleep when it was so high.

Trying to take care of myself best I can.....I have my 5 american eskie dogs that depend on me for care & Destiny (mommy eskie) who is now 16 is on heart meds I have to make sure she gets 2 X's a day.......so I can't get to the point I have in the past when I lived with my husband & he could do the physical things even though he messed everything in the financial end of our life.

Oh well......the struggle continues AGAIN......hope I can keep from letting it get the best of me this time......afraid to even think of going out trail riding to relax in the country because I'm feeling so shakey (part I'm sure is anxiety).....but don't want the horse to react to my emotions ATM

[Trippin2.0]

Sending you safe s and keeping you in prayer ((((eskie)))) I know I don't have an ED, and can't offer advice, I do however relate to having zero appetite when stressed, reminding myself to take just 1 bite. So I'm here to do my best to support and listen, as you have done so many times for me.

[buttrfli42481]

My anorexia gets worse with stress too. My therapist and dietician have each told me that food is medicine. This helps me to get as much food in me as possible. Something is better than nothing. I know you probably know that, but just wanted to remind you of it. So sorry that things are not going good in your life right now, but know that you are a fighter and won't let ED win. Big hugs from me.

[eskielover]

Trippin.......it is interesting how people either eat when stressed or don't eat. Thank you so much for your support......that's one reason I love PC so much is because we are here for each other in so many supportive places & things we can relate to......

Trying to force myself to eat, but find that I end up going several days trying to get the energy to cook let alone figure out what I might really be hungry for so that I will be more willing to eat...I know if the food taste good to me, there is more of a chance that I will eat it than just taking 1 bite.....but I can spend a day trying to figure out what food that is.

Sometimes I just go for a knife & the jar of peanut butter with honey. Have some tangerines in the refrig which are refreshing. I struggle as much with sleeping as I do with eating at times like this.....glad my pain specialist gave me some stronger meds to take for sleeping when I can't get to sleep....my blood pressure was so high one time in there because of my lack of sleep....he didn't understand initially that my lack of sleep wasn't just having a hard time sleeping, it was that I WASN'T sleeping......that was when he prescribed the sleep meds. I was using the natural ones until this thing with my husband hit. Sometimes when I need both sleep & food, I am just too exhausted to even get anything from the kitchen, but know if I go to sleep without eating, I will feel really messed up when I wake up.

Buttrfli......I remember your recent struggles....thank you for your experienced support........even knowing that food is a med....when my stress gets the best of me (it really has to be a bad situation to get to me like that) the nausea is bad & my energy to make myself something to eat. I just went to the kitchen & made one of those boxes of pad thai noodles......I did force myself to eat the whole thing....tasted ok.....a lot of time, I just feel like getting a nice bowl of ice cream out of the freezer.......think I need a nap this afternoon, feeling lousy. Only call I even had the energy to make this morning was to the legal aid to see what they have to offer in the way of divorce......didn't even have the energy to do the crafts I want to get done by Friday for the yard sale at church. I never should have married the jerk when I was young I wouldn't be dealing with his stupid financial destruction now.....he was always such a looser.....& he just kept prooving it but none of my family saw him for what he really was which was why they said he had to be a saint to put up with me when I was having all the suicide attempts after loosing my career & wanting the anorexia to win.....glad it didn't because I love where I am & how my life will be when he's no longer anywhere within messing up range. No one knew (not even me until just lately) that it was him & the marriage along with my career that took me to that dark place in my life

[unaluna]

I am a big fan of yogurt, right now my fave brand is chobani. it's nice and thick, lots of protein, lots of yummy different flavors, and I was having GERD before I started eating it, but I think it fixed it. I am the expert at healthy non-cooking non-cleaning eating

[missbelle]

You have though despite your issues been doing some positve things...like the picnic supper, church, caring for the dogs, doing crafts.....Wow I say.........anything getting you out of your head is good. Also give yourself credit for all you are doing right now despite the problems!!!! !

You seem to be doing all the right things. I married a couple jerks myself. I guess I did not learn my lesson the first time.I know how terrible stressful it can be. Just seeing my ex years ago used to cause me panic attacks.

Hang in there and work on those crafts and keep doing exactly what you are doing. You have hit a bad patch but this will pass because it did before, and because, and most important of all...we here, are all survivors!

[eskielover]

LOL.....that's the best kind of eating....the non-cooking non-cleaning kind. I actually love the plain organic yogurt. The kind that has sweeteners, has like spenda & leaves a horrible flavor to me. I use the yogurt in place of sour cream all the time. I actually get the quart size plain yogurt........like it but a little goes a long way also.

My poor refrig has some things in it that I bought with the intentions of doing something & now I don't feel like eating those things & then end up spoiling. They all needed fixing.

even went down to my kitchen this morning....had a sink full of dishes from several weeks ago & the counter top full.....I am working slowly at getting them all rinsed off & into the dish washer.....they weren't that dirty....just needed lite rinse, but I have been dealing with this husband crap for a couple of week now & after I get off the phone with the mortgage company & the assessors office &......the list goes on...my brain is too tired to think about anything let alone food or rinsing off dishes....just want to fall in bed & sleep to let my subconscious mind chunk away on all the crap I have to figure out what to do with......& he has no intention of cooperating with me, so I have to write more letters requesting the information he could give me if he wasn't such a jerk.......

It just leaves your mind & stomach saying I 'don't want to eat, I don't want to do anything!!!!".....life, just leave me alone for awhile so I can sort through my next move to make sure I don't blow it........life can be such a chess game at times & not interested in eating snack food while I playing it.

[Trippin2.0]

I've lived off peanutbutter due to stress. I always get nauseated from hunger when I skip a mealtime, which means water is my next option until my stomach settled. Nearly fainted on afternoon of day 3 without food, so I know it can get messy, no appetite, food is offputting and your mind's way too busy with other thoughts anyway yoghurt, custard, milkshakes, they help me out. Also buttered toast and Rooibos helps kickstart my appetite. Really wish I could shoulder your husband/finance burden and grant you some reprieve. You didn't deserve any of this illogical mess he's made for you. thinking of you ((((eskie))))

[eskielover]

your mind's way too busy with other thoughts anyway

That says it all. Don't think I ate anything yesterday & just when I was going to get off the computer & get a bite to eat & go to bed, I got an email from my H in Ca & he was being stupid about giving me the information I needed to take care the getting my name off the property.....but he wanted me to file the quit claim.....such an idiot...can't just do what I ask without an argument (the way it always was......I just remembered some of that from the past).

He had a lot of things that I wanted to respond to & some I needed to respond to....I ended up spending all night trying to make sure I said the right thing in the right way....never got downstairs into the kitchen to get anything for food.......& by the time morning hit, I was so exhausted, I knew I wouldn't even make it down the stairs from the exhaustion....so I chose to go to sleep from 9am-3pm......got up & had to go see if I got the information I requested so I could call my lawyer & get that taken care of tomorrow.......then my neighbor who had fixed my lawn tractor because I managed to break the cable that drives the PTO.....& I ended up mowing a large area of my field. I realized that I hadn't had anything to eat.....finally went in & boiled 4 ears of corn......ate 3 & was so full & thought I would pop.........so left the 4th ear for tomorrow.....put butter & this really good mexican sauce on it that has mayo, yogert, cilantro & cyanne pepper & top it with cajita cheese (parmesean like cheese).......it's yummy but filling.......then I had a bowl of chocolate ganache ice cream......but mostly I live on ice water when I feel so yucky.

I have noticed that when I'm not good at eating....when I do eat, there better be a bathroom because my digestion seems to make the food go right through.....it's really frustrating when my stress is this bad.

Am going to talk with the lawyer tomorrow who's helping me with the quit claim & see what he was to say about the divorce.....but I think there is no way I could have money for a divorce lawyer & I think the legal aid will be good enough to take care of the few legal issues I have involved with the divorce.

I managed to work the fact that the divorce in eminent into my email reply.......when he complained that I took the money from the refi & have not been helping him with the house payment.....for 33 years, I helped him with the house payments & lost everything in both our IRA's keeping the house payments paid because he couldn't be responsible with spending & take control when my depression was so bad & I wasn't even concerned about finances....I didn't even want to live why would I care about finances?????

I am trying my darndest to use all the DBT I have learned....but the eating part just goes out the window when I'm this stressed & some while I am trying to figure out all my moved in this stupid chess game he's playing with me......the DBT skills only work for the moment I'm using them & then I'm right back to where I was.......not long enough break to truly do anything & I am working so hard with my wise mind logical mind....that it's completely exhausted & just want to go hibernate for several months....but NOT POSSIBLE....so the sick stomach continues & the mind & body being so wrapped up in what they need to do.....there is no mind left to think about food.

[Trippin2.0]

((((eskie)))) you have SO much going on, I admire your strength and tenacity. I pray you get some rest and reprieve from all of this.

[eskielover]

I sure don't feel like it.....2 weeks ago with my psychologist, I went it & said all that was happening & all I was doing......like I had everything together......then she asked how I was holding up & I completely fell apart. I can cover up how I really feel all too well.....but I think the not being able to eat is the true window into how I'm really feeling........It might be sort of a control thing also because I have no control over my H qualifying for the loan mod, I have no control over whether the house goes into foreclosure & I have absolutely no control over getting my things out of the house without loosing them all & only having what I left there with the first time......at first I thought that I felt well in control of taking the actions that I need to take but there's more to the picture than that.

I ate the that last ear of corn for lunch & finished off the chocolate ganache ice cream.....just a little in the bottom......but cold & sweet is about all that tastes good. In my garden, I got 1 cucumber off the plants & decided to make my cucumber, cream cheese, dill & onion dip/spread.....I tasted it & almost felt sick......& it's my favorite.

I just feel like crawling in a hole......my printer quit.....have to buy another one.....have to pay the lawyer for the quit claim.......& my neighbor for fixing my lawn tractor & my disability check just came in today & have a lot to save still for my property taxes.....I refuse to be a looser like my husband.....always pay it early so I can get the discount....but kill myself to get the money there.

Spent too much time last night on the computer after leaving here trying to check printer prices.

Oh well.....off to the lawyer.....off to the place where they can get discount printers to check out their costs......& then to church to help with the 127 yard sale.....hope I get there before 5pm.....at this rate.....it's doubtful

I realized as I was standing in the kitchen that my anxiety level is really out of control & I don't have time for the hot shower & breathing truly DOES NOTHING for me.....maybe the hot shower will just have to be before I try to get out there & attack the issues.

Even the chocolate ice cream that ALWAYS tastes good is not settling well.......ugh!!!!!!!!

[Trippin2.0]

Hope you get thru your to-do list thanks for checking in, been thinking of you...

[eskielover]

Felt the need for protein....so I made a bacon wrapped tenderloin & a salad....it's too hot to feel like eating....just want cold water & I'm feeling too stressed to eat more than a few bites at a time.....I just keep the food next to me & eat a few bites throughout the day until it's gone.......but it doesn't taste like my head said it would......could be because I am also so exhausted.....my whole self feels like it's falling apart & I'm trying to fight it & keep the healthy going...DBT is always such a good reminder & help.....but I'm finding that in the huge things....it's not that easy to force myself to do the DBT.....interesting because it's supposed to work for everything......times like this are when extra support & a lot of prayer are needed.

I realized an interesting feeling today....I'm sure it's the major anxiety.....but I want the things I'm doing to be done before I start them because even though I need to do the things, I really don't feel like it & eating is the same thing

[Trippin2.0]

Do you have any rl support to help you out? T, pastor, friend? I'm praying for you, but at the same time, worried that your needs are not being met. I would strongly suggest reaching out irl, and even maybe have a family member stay with you for a few days, just so that you're not alone with it all, all the time. The company might be good for you, it could serve as a distraction and it may just motivate you to cook. I may however be way off base, but thought I'd put it out there.

[eskielover]

I am thankful that I do have the most wonderful support now that I have ever had in my life. When I left my husband 5 years ago from Ca, I had NO support not even when I was going through the trauma with the home care person when my mom was dying of cancer.......I was surrounded by people who played at the look of caring but when it came right down to the actions....they weren't there. Only close family I had left after my mom died was my daughter & my H (who never was truly a H). Daughter had moved to Colorado years before. My parents were only children, so there was no other family except far removed cousins.

So I sold my mom's house (the one I grew up in) after I could finally get myself to go back in it after the trauma.....& decided to get the farm I had always wanted for my horses 2100 miles away from where I had lived all my life....in a place where I didn't know anyone & obviously had NO family.

I got involved in the horse community even though my horses were still in Ca & I'm only going to bring one anyway, I was talking to a lady at Hobby Lobby who invited me to a wonderful Bible study that changed my life even though I had been a Christian all my life.....I didn't understand what having a relationship with God was like......from there I met more women who have become a very wonderful group of friends. My pharmacist invited me to the church he belongs to in my farming neighborhood (all are in neighboring farms in the arera).....it's the first church I have ever gone to where they truly are a family & they included me in as family immediately which was even more of a shock.....the lady I met at Hobby Lobby has become my best friend, something I never had before since college days in the early 1970's & even that friend was not that close.

I get calls when they don't see me for awhile, my horse friends keep in contact....last year, I fractured my back in a bail off a horse, so was not riding much & this year with everything that I have been working on around the farm......there hasn't been the time....always felt pressured to try to cram in one more thing in my life. Friends have made sure my fields were mowed when I broke my back last year.....neighbors offer to help fix things that need fixed or the other day when I had furniture in the back of my truck I got a call to see if I was moving because of the foreclosure (not my house here thank heavens).....then they offered to help move in the furniture before I had even a chance to call them.

I really don't have furniture much in my house, a rocking chair, a coffee table & some end tables & a dining room table, a chest of drawers I brought with me & a couple that friends have given & my bed that I finally put together after several years of sleeping on an air mattress on the floor.....after my dogs punctured them & I kept ending up in the hard floor, I decided it was time to put my bed together. I brought some of my cloths...but not all, some of my craft things like my beading.....have bought all my acrylic painting things since moving here. Very few decorations other than Christmas things....but I have been truly just existing for the last 5 years just me & my 5 dogs in my house & to be honest....my dogs don't quit barking when someone comes into the house, so its not an environment that is very enjoyable for having friends over.......so I usually take food to others houses & we share having dinners that way so they don't feel that it's all them doing it.....don't like to feel like I'm taking advantage of anyone of that it's all them doing things & I'm not inviting them over. I have lost 2 of my eskies since moving here....started off with 7 & now have 5....but my 2 older ones. I'm nursing Destiny along with her heart meds & Celia had broken her leg years ago so is having a bit more trouble getting around in her older age......so I'm always here for them while Leo is my dog that has separation anxiety & can't stand to be anywhere that's not within touch mom range.

My psychologist & my DBT group has been the most wonderful support also......never had a good psychologist like this.....it was strange getting used to having support & not always trying to survive everything alone.....but it sure does feel good & all my friends are so appreciated by me.....but my house isn't one that someone could come in & stay with me....which while a nice idea, with my dogs just wouldn't work & no furniture for them so hang around on or sleep on.......so at home, I am pretty much on my own....but I am surrounded by support.

Even during the ice storm 3/4 years ago when the electric went out for a week in the middle of the winter......I woke up at 4am with a massibe panic attack......my phone range....it was my friend & she said, she was woken up in the middle of the night (by God) & she sensed that I wasn't ok & called to see if I was ok.....she stayed on the phone until the sun came up in the morning to talk me through the panic attack & then invited me to come to her house until the electric got back on a few days later. I have never felt better about my overall life....it's just the huge stressors left over from being stuck with that idiot H that I couldn't get a divorce from because of finances....the financial things he has done in the years we have been married are a nightmare. Never understood at the time how much those nightmares effected my health through the stress level & how the first anorexia was tied to that. I knew it wasn't a body image issue like the ED treatment center was trying to force on me.....but I wasn't in tune enough with myself to know just what was pushing the extreme weight loss other than I knew I didn't want to live. I knew the last anorexia was due to the trauma I went through......but all my life when any stress hit I would loose weight...but the stresses never lasted long enough for it to be a problem until the first time in the in 1995.

Having support is a new thing for me, but I appreciate it more than I ever thought I would, always being this independent person I always had to be growing up because my mother even though she didn't work & was home all the time, wasn't able to be a support because of all the things she couldn't do with her vision issues until she finally decided she could drive when I was 16 & got my own license to take care of myself....I always had to find my own ways around to do things I wanted to do.....so there was nothing much in the way of real support other than providing for my needs....now if you had asked my mom....I'm sure she would have a quite different picture of what was going on.

It's like 5 years ago, I was able to find me again, those values & the more happy person who was satisfied being me & knowing who I am.....this huge sense of peace covered me that first few weeks in my home alone 2100 miles away from all the headaches & the completely irresponsible person who had continually refused to communicate & bury himself into his own head......freedom at last was am amazing feeling then to find wonderful support people on top of that.....but it still doesn't change the fact that when stress hits, my body's reaction is to feel sick & not feel like eating......& focusing on a problem until I feel it's in a good place where I can let my thinking clam down for awhile....the longer the stressful situation exists, the more weight I loose because of the nausea & just my brain not being able to stop & go fix something to eat...brain too focused on the problem to spend time eating or sleeping...then I crash....so I have to force myself to NOT do what I feel like doing but that's not as easy as it seems like it should be.....that's why I'm still in therapy.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm really glad to hear that you live in a supportive community, puts my mind at ease some. I know you're going to make it thru this, I do, I just hope that its resolved as quickly and painlessly as possible. Keep at doing the opposites, it may just become easier

[eskielover]

The stressfulness that's going on with all of this is not going to be resolved any time soon.......value of my farm has gone down so much & I have everything put into it......not smart to sell it now even though it's falling apart over my head......still waiting for the idiot stbx to get the quit claim taken care of & sent to me for signing & notary....been 1 1/2 weeks.....but then I'm sure when he told me he was doing it, he hadn't even started doing it yet. I am working hard on my patience. Not loosing too bad lately since I've been going out with groups to eat...but when at home & have to make food, it just doesn't happen...can go days without eating a meal just because I don't feel like eating or bothering making a mess in the kitchen or the fact that I'm just NOT hungry & really don't feel like eating. I hate reacting to stress like this & I hate long term stressful situations....midterms & finanls were one thing but stress that lasts for months is a whole other world for me & it definitely doesn't help the loosing weight issues.

[loosethecordsoforio]

hi, eskielover, i haven't been here for quite a while. i do remember your posts, and how stress affects your eating. i am sorry you are struggling so right now, in your eating and the husband problems which are fuelling it. anything you can possibly do to make eating more pleasant is essential! any little thing at all. a pretty plate, a CLEAN one, ha, ha. or maybe trying something you would normally have for a different meal? french toast for dinner, maybe? there's nothing wrong in having a bowl of ice cream if nothing else appeals to you, either. i've learned to make meals as nice as possible, because when i'm upset, stressed, or even super busy, I CAN'T MAKE MYSELF EAT.
even if it is food i like; even if other people want me to.even if i have done a long run. when i'm all tied up inside, food is non-existent. when it is an ongoing stress situation, like yours is, anything you can possibly do to ease it, is vital. you keep on fighting. i've read your past posts about your mother, as well. i can't even imagine how hard that was for you to have come through. i really do relate how stress affects you. other people can, too. love, loosethecords

[asp1079]

I can empathize with you.

When I am stressed or dealing with BPD I am very tempted to go back to restricting because it keeps my mind off of reality, it gives me a tangible although useless and unhealthy goal... logic keeps me from giving in most of the time but it can be very hard and I'll go through small spells where I'll exercise more than normally to burn off calories, be more aware of what I eat that borders dangerously on old restrictive habits.

I've only relapsed once from stress but that was terrible so I try not to anymore. But it's very difficult when anorexia and EDNOS is your 'escape route', the emergency chute out of reality, you know?