Feeling anorexic again

You know when you start to feel your ED? That's where I'm at right now. I see myself slipping and restricting, and I feel my hunger complex starting to fade, but I feel helpless. I feel like I'm not in control anymore, and that the label 'anorexic' fits the bill because of course, when you're doing better, you don't feel it the same. I go back to T in a month, but until then, I'm just strutting along, hoping I can make it work.

Today was a really bad day...ED won for sure. I was hungry this morning, so I ate...but that took my hunger for the rest of the day apparently. I went on lunch at work, and shopped instead of eating. Now I'm back home and I feel a tiny pang that I'm gonna solve by eating a few chips or something because I still have to eat later to take my meds.

I thought today I wouldn't care. I woke up feeling like I wouldn't care. I was wrong. I haven't eaten since about 11am because I feel so guilty for eating what I did. God I really need my T...and I'm sure she'll send me back to the nutritionist/dietitian who'll make me do food diaries and other crap. Three more weeks til I tell my T what's back.

Is there anything you can do in the meantime to prevent you from being in full blown relapse mode by the time your therapist returns? It sounds like you know what you have to do - you just need to find it in yourself to want to do it. Could you start with something small - maybe making sure you eat something for every meal, even if it's an ideal amount or try to start keeping a food diary on your own again. If you don't have any left over, I'm sure if you google it, you can find some. The other option is to refer yourself to your nutritionist now. It sounds like you know you're headed for trouble, and I know this has been an issue for you for quite a while, so I'm sure you know how much harder it is to get back the further into the disorder you go.

You can do something to help yourself. I really believe you have the strength to do so. You just need to find the motivation.

At one treatment center I was at, they focused a lot on our values and what kind of person we wanted to be. That helped me a lot, everytime I wanted to engage in a behavior, I would (try) to think is this taking me towards or away from my goals and values. IDK if that helps any, but maybe something to think about.

What are your goals and values? What matters to you?

Hang in there.

I'm currently living 3 hours away from my entire treatment team and I'm not moving back for another 2 weeks. I'm doing the best I can which is pretty much eating something in the morning and something at night so I don't get sick from my meds...because if I can stay compliant with my meds, I'll be in a better position than if I can't/am not. Some days I can eat more than that, other days I really can't.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. All you can do is the best you can do. Glad to hear you'll be seeing your treatment team in two weeks.

Yeah, it sucks. But life throws stuff at you all the time and you have to do what you can with what you've got.

I found something I can eat! They're little snack packs of cheese, nuts and dried fruit. They've got protein and carbs and I actually feel kind of good eating them. I randomly saw them at 7 eleven, and now I buy 2 or 3 at a time. It's not great, but it's a start.

I read that people who had bariatric surgery, their recommended snacks were like dried fruit and nuts because that is food that has very high nutritional value in it, in a small space. Like vitamins and minerals.

Yeah. Fruit, nuts and cheese were all things that my nutritionist/dietitian (she's certified as both) encouraged me to eat when I was seeing her, especially at first because for whatever reason they didn't make me feel that guilty and they have high nutritional value.

Good! I'm glad you found something that you can stand. It's definitely a step in the right direction. When do you see your treatment team? It should be pretty soon, right?

A little over a week and a half.

Hang in there, do the best you can. You can do this. I definitely get where you're coming from. I'm quickly heading in that direction and having a really hard time stopping the downward spiral, or even slow it down. But like you said in a previous post, and I'm paraphrasing, but I think it was something like;" Life throws stuff at you sometimes and you just have to deal with it". Something along those lines. One thing they stressed at every single treatment center I went to was that "slips" were inevitable and falling down was okay, as long as you made sure you kept on getting back up. I guess I'm just trying to get back up and it sounds like you are too. Hang in there.

I'm doing my best. And while I won't lie and say I'm looking forward to all the work I have to do, I am looking forward to enjoying different foods again, like ice cream. Ice cream is a "bad" food in my mind, and it was before too...but I got to the point where I could eat it and be happy, so I'd like to get back there. The thing I look forward to least is doing food diaries again. I hate those!

I actually have an obsession with doing food diaries... it's strange I know but it helps me feel in control. Can I ask how u originally got to feeling that foods like ice cream r okay? For me I have set foods that I will eat that I describe as "safe" and I don't know how to change other foods to being okay mentally... u sound like u r on the right track so well done for u

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It's not strange. I just personally hate them.

As for how I got to eating foods like ice cream, I'm honestly not sure. It was through both my therapist and dietitian that we did work and set out plans and I eventually got up the courage to eat something I used to love but stopped.

Okay... it's just that when I went to the shops I found these frozen yogurts that I used to LOVE and I bought 3 of them... but now that I'm home I can't bring myself to eat one... I want to but I just feel so anxious

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Maybe just take 1 bite? Idk...sorry.

What is it all about?
Is it about control?

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I don't know... maybe...

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