Feeling nauseated

I have to leave to go talk to my lawyer in about 90 minutes. I'm going to talk to someone who's on my side, so why am I feeling sick to my stomach? Because I'm afraid even with someone on my side, my ex is still going to come out on top this time, even though the judge saw through him last time and warned me. (See my post in the abuse thread for more details).

My heart is racing and my fingertips are cold and numb. Why do I let my ex get to me so? On Friday he sent me an email acting all holier than thou about my daughter's math struggles, doing his "things WILL" and "things MUST" routine. Then on Sunday he called and acted all friendly, asking if I was interested in a computer desk he was going to burn otherwise. Guess his girlfriend was at work because he never talks friendly if she's around.

i just feel like I'm fighting a battle I can't win, and even if I do win the legal battle, there's still going to be the emotional battles to overcome. Sometimes I wish I never had kids so I wouldn't have to continue to speak to him. It's a constant source of anxiety.

You can do this! One foot in front of the other! When I get anxious I always get nausous. It sucks! Just remember to breathe! You can do it!

Im sorry your having to deal with this. I had a similar experience with my ex. He always came out on top. Always. I went to court countless times for child support and every last time he would pay 5-10 days before the court date so there was nothing the judge could do. He used to beat me and make me feel like I was worthless and I hate him for it. If that wasnt bad enough, he took my two girls one weekend and when I went to pick them up at our usual meeting place, he was passed out drunk in the passengers seat with his girlfriend driving. Needless to say, that was the summer of 1998. That was the last time he has seen the kids.
Remember, its not the kids fault, its these ex's who think they can do no wrong and they are KING.
You can do this. Your a strong women. Now go show him just how strong you really are.
I'm sending good vibes your way. Keep us posted.

Take care!!!

Thanks chitown and jmo.

I'm so stupid. I was supposed to have a therapy session today and I canceled it because I didn't like that the counselor wanted to focus on things from like 40 years ago instead of helping me get through the current issues and THEN let me work on the past.

She's in her office until 8:00 tonight, but now the answering service is picking up since it's after 5:00 and they don't have her schedule. I can't believe I did that.

I feel like I'm blowing everything out of proportion. Since he didn't leave a DARK bruise on my daughter, it's not going to count. Since his girlfriend only had my son roll the dice for a drinking game but he didn't actually drink, it's not going to count.

What am I fighting for? I don't even know any more. I want to get his illegal demands overturned and I want him to be responsible for his children instead of treating them like a nuicance and brushing them aside or hitting them. It just makes me sick to my stomach that I can't stand up for myself and my kids better. I can't work, I can't sleep, I can't eat or I eat too much. Why did I do this to myself?

did you go to the lawyer?

Yes. I have another meeting tomorrow 45 minutes before the court commissioner hearing. It's getting really expensive and we haven't set one foot in the courthouse yet.

The lawyer wants to set up rules so even if visitation doesn't get changed, he won't be able to hit them or drink at all when they're in his care. He won't even be able to drink if they're not with him, like when he goes bowling and they get left alone or with his girlfriend.

I stopped at school this morning to drop off something my daughter needed for a project, and asked if she'd take her medicine. She said she didn't want to so I didn't force it. I have a feeling her dad's hatred of her being on it is part of the reason. Her hair was so greasy, it made me sick. I could tell she hadn't showered since the last time she showered here last week. She said she was going to shower this morning, but he woke her up late. He has no interest in being a real parent any more, yet he won't give them to me full time because he refuses to pay child support. I just want my kids to be cared for, and not a distraction from socializing and time with his partner. Is that such a horrible thing to ask for?

I meet my lawyer in 6 hours and the hearing is 45 minutes after that.

I'm starting to feel buzzy all over my body and I have to keep going to the bathroom.

I have so much to do yet on top of trying to work. I have to print up pictures, get my 1099 and check stubs together, get to the store for pantihose, need to buy glue sticks and run them to my daughter at school, need to pick up a Human Services report before going to the lawyer. So much to do and still need to earn a living.

I took too much unplanned time off yesterday. I can't do it again today.

I want this over. I'm afraid I'm going to cave so I can get the short-term anxiety taken care of, but I know in the long run that's bad because then I'll have gone through all of this for nothing.

Just slow down and take one thing at a time. You can do this! You will be fine! We have faith in you. Good luck! ((((((HUGS TO YOU ))))))

Thanks Chi. I know, I know. One thing at a time.

The check stubs and 1099 are taken care of. I've showered, but forgot to shave my legs. Dang! I'm heading to the store for glue sticks and pantihose now. Got the pictures on to floppy disk, but now I have to stop at Wal-Mart to print them because my printer colors aren't displaying properly. Brand new color printer cartridge and the skin tones aren't accurate so the bruise is showing up even lighter than it really is.

Legs are shaved. I can get the pictures printed at the drug store on the way to Human Services, not out of the way like Wal-Mart is.

Only downfall - my daughter called and came home "sick" She says it feels like she's getting stabbed on the inside.

I told her that it's not the best day for her to come home sick because today is the day we go to court and I can't be here. She's 14, so she can be home alone.

I told her I'm just trying to get some rules set up for her dad - no hitting the kids, no drinking while they're with him. She says "but dad doesn't get drunk." Yes, dad does get drunk, he's just highly functioning. If he didn't get drunk, he wouldn't have blown 2.6 times the legal limit during his DWI arrest.

I told her if he comes home and starts talking to them about what happens today, it's not something she needs to worry about. This is between the two of us and I'm not using the kids to hurt him.

<sigh> This sucks.

Keep up the good work WI! You are doing it! Don't you just hate when you think things are going well it seems like a speedbump is thrown in! I drives me nuts!
Good luck at court and take care of yourself! Be positive.