[Cbminor]

Wow. Really, all it took was a lot of thinking but I finally figured out what most of my fears mean. I keep seeing dark images of myself when look in a mirror and my family members. I fear those images a lot, I guess i am also a bit schizophrenic because i also see those images just in air or on the wall. But mostly when I look in the mirror, I sometimes get so scared that I just run away somewhere away from it. I see the images as if my family is actually evil and currupt and betrays me also causing my pain. Or also I see myself as being evil and currupt and like another me is standing there in the mirror or sometimes even 3d on the floor and looking at me. I for some reason recieve a lot fear and start panicing and sweating a lot and try to convince myself of the reality.
Now, before I simply tried to ignore that and live more normal, but I had thses fears since I was little, I also have a very distnicy memory of a dream when I saw my mother's face, but it was currupt. I was only 5 then but i scared me that I still remember how I lost my breath and when tried to yell, could not. Now, you might say that as a child, it is normal to have scary dreams, however, they all have one main point to them as well as the visions, and I discided that there must be a deeper meaning to all that about a few days ago. And wola, I found something that toatly makes sence to everything that happened to me as a child and how I was influanced by some events.
I figure that my mind sees my family as being "evil" only because I truly feel that I did not get the love and the attention I needed as a child and my father always yelled at me. And since they were not furfilling my needs, my mind pictured them as curruptor or evil in some exaguration. Next, why I fear myself, is that I have a minor "dark side" to me, which I am really bothered about. You may have read my post that I like pain and were confused by it, well, sometimes, I simply desire a lot of power, murder and causing pain, when most of me really doesn't. Now, those feeling become very strong when I am even slightly angry, and as a result I try to avoid anger as much as posible. ofcourse, everybody loses their mind when they experience anger, unfortunatly, sometimes it becomes hard for me to control myself. Also the "darker me" represents that I have not been loved enough and as a child I used to hate myself and often torn of pictures of me and threw them away or burned them. Also because I did not get the attention I wanted, and my parents were too afraid to spoil, I suppose, I sometimes had desires to be handycapped or in special need, in hope that then I will get the attention I want. And this relates to "the darker me" as if he is also mad, gone insane, and that is a very important part, and it represents that even though, I wanted to be say handicapped, another part of me knew, and told me that, "what the hell are you thinking?, look at the consiquense of being special, so what you will get the attention you want, it will come with a price", and in my mind it got exadurated to a mad man.
I think that explains very well, it does not help me to prevent the hallusinations, but it clears things out a bit. I am proud of myself to be honest, I did not need a therapist, and it really makes sence to me, because before I used to deny the fact that maybe I was not raised properly, and thought that it will simply spoil me as having something to blame for my non-related to this mistakes. However, the truth is the truth, I can not pretend it is not, nor will I let spoil me.
And please be proud of me, I figured this out all by myself, it is harder then it seems, but makes sence at least to me.