Progress

After a couple of kick-back-and-relax sessions, in which I took a breather from serious work, T and I had one of those wonderful, deeply meaningful sessions last time. Conversation flowed. I cried a little. He teared up a couple of times too. Our interchange felt deeply mutualistic and reciprocal, like a conversation between equals who are learning from each other. He thanked me for what I had given him. It made me feel so good to know I had given him something he valued and that had touched him, as he has given me so much. I thanked him too, as he has literally saved my life. I talked a lot, and he sat there and listened, so intently. He seemed so eager to hear what I had to say, which in itself is deeply healing for me. He talked too.

At one point, he told me this amazing thing. He said, “you are one of my favorite people in the world. I mean that. You are one of my very favorite people in the whole world.” (Not you are one of my favorite clients, but one of my favorite people.)

When he told me that, it changed something for me. It made me feel like I really meant something to him, that I was not just one client among dozens, but someone who had had a real impact on his life. This made me feel much more secure in our relationship and almost instantaneously not so terrified about termination. Because all of a sudden I knew that when we part ways, it will be very difficult for him too, and this made me feel better. I realized that some of my fear of termination had revolved around the pain of believing that it would be really hard for me but not for him. Despite our history, a protective part of me had believed that for him it would just be saying good-bye to another client, a therapeutic skill he could execute in his sleep. But now I don’t think so. If I am one of his favorite people in the world, I know it will be hard for him too. I now trust in the future that what we do next will be what it will and turn out OK. He will guide us through this and we will both feel the same wind blow and the same ground shake because we both care so deeply. This makes what comes next seem somehow not so painful to me. That’s not quite right--maybe it’s that the pain will be easier to bear (but not any less painful). The pain now seems like another milestone in the journey, and we’ll figure it out together, when we get there.

(((((((((((((((((((((( sunrise ))))))))))))))))))))))

Wow, what a healing session! You have such a special relationship with your T....and what you said about termination makes so much sense. It's a journey the two of you will take TOGETHER when time time comes.

Thanks for sharing this with us.

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After a couple of kick-back-and-relax sessions, in which I took a breather from serious work,

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Hey, I want one of those! LOL

Sounds like a most gratifying session, Sunrise. I would hang onto those warm and fuzzies for a long long time!

Does he know how worried you have been about termination? It might be worth exploring.

I'm glad you had such a good session. It sounds like you have made a real impact on your T, and he on you. That is the therapeutic relationship at its best.

(((((((((((((( sunrise ))))))))))))))))

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sunrise said:
At one point, he told me this amazing thing. He said, “you are one of my favorite people in the world. I mean that. You are one of my very favorite people in the whole world.” (Not you are one of my favorite clients, but one of my favorite people.)

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WOW!!!! ...Wow!!!! that is awesome!!!

Thanks earthmama, MissCharlotte, skeksi, Fuzzybear, and Kiya.

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MissCharlotte said:
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After a couple of kick-back-and-relax sessions, in which I took a breather from serious work,

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Hey, I want one of those! LOL

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Go for it next time!

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Does he know how worried you have been about termination?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I haven't been too worried, at least not that I knew about. But I think it is always in the back of my mind, tucked in a corner somewhere, probably from the first moment I attached so strongly. Somewhere inside I know "this will end some day." But I haven't been thinking about it much. When T made his "favorite people" comment I felt better about termination, even though I hadn't known before that moment that I was so dreading/fearing it. I hadn't allowed myself to know that yet. I am just that way--I hide my emotions from myself unconsciously. I am trying to learn not to do this. I don't think T and I will explore the termination question yet as we have more pressing things to do.

When T made his comment, I just suddenly felt so secure. It showed me how we can strongly affect someone just by sharing our thoughts and feelings with them. I never had that security in my marriage as my H never shared any positive thoughts or feelings he had about me (if indeed he had any). It is wonderful to feel so secure. If I ever have another serious relationship, I would like it to include that feeling of emotional security.

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It sounds like you have made a real impact on your T, and he on you. That is the therapeutic relationship at its best.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I like that skeksi, thanks.

Sunny this post reminded me of the article someone posted a while back where a patient wrote the newpaper to thank their T and it turns out it wasn't a one way relationship after all. The patient had also profoundly touched and impacted the T's life as well.

When I read your post I thought... how great it is that your T was able to meet that basic human need to "be important". What a great feeling? I'm glad you shared that, and I hope experience many more of those with him. Even if by some twist of fate, you don't-- you always have that session. What a great thing.

I guess the trick is to be more aware and cultivate these experiences with others too.

Sunrise, What a great session! and what a great validation for you.

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He said, “you are one of my favorite people in the world. I mean that. You are one of my very favorite people in the whole world.”

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Sunny,
Wow! What a powerful statement. I think I would have died on the spot, lol.

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This makes what comes next seem somehow not so painful to me. That’s not quite right--maybe it’s that the pain will be easier to bear (but not any less painful). The pain now seems like another milestone in the journey, and we’ll figure it out together, when we get there.

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I am SOOO happy for you! It sounds like your journey just got a lot easier! I think I'm now considered one of Ts "difficult" clients after all that has happened this year. I know he cares, but I don't think he "thinks the world of me" like he told me last year. It's so good to hear that you have such a good relationship with your T!

quote] Sunny said:
If I ever have another serious relationship, I would like it to include that feeling of emotional security.

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Emotional security... By this do you mean not only feeling that you matter to someone at a particular moment in time, but that you are able to retain that feeling over time?

If so, that would be I'd like to have too. I tend to feel glimpses of deeper connections with people, but then I lose it and start questioning if it ever REALLY existed.

Do you think think this is part the attachment issue or disorder thing?

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sunrise said:
It made me feel so good to know I had given him something he valued and that had touched him, as he has given me so much.

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This is so great Sunny, especially with everything you've gone through in your marriage. Do you find 'in real life' that you deflect appreciation and thanks? I tend to do this, but at the same time it feels so good when someone expresses their thanks and appreciation of me or something I've done. How wonderful to know that T values you so much.

Thanks everyone for all the comments.
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chaotic13 said:
Emotional security... By this do you mean not only feeling that you matter to someone at a particular moment in time, but that you are able to retain that feeling over time?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That's not really what I meant, but I agree that is a great thing to have too. I tend to be able to hold onto good feelings over time. For me, I think emotional security means having the relationship be two-way as well as having the actual relationship come into concordance with my belief of how a relationship should be. I think that was a source of much confusion and emptiness in my marriage. I had this idea in my mind that a relationship should include two people doing X, Y, and Z (for example, loving each other, being interested in each other's lives, being supportive of each other, caring about each other, having sex with each other, being faithful to each other, etc.), and sadly, my marriage was deficient in all these areas, so there was always this deep inner dissonance that something was not right. I kept trying and thinking if I only did things "right" that he would respond and I would have a two-way relationship in harmony with my inner feelings about how relationships are. So I think when I was with T at our last session, and he told me I was one of his favorite people in the world, I suddenly felt like our relationship was reciprocal, that we each took away a lot of meaning from it, rather than just a T providing services to a client, like any other client. And this element of a relationship came into harmony with my inner idea of a relationship. And that just felt so great! Like, ahhhh, this is the way it is supposed to be, this is what harmony feels like. I will never do one of those one-way relationships like I had with my H again. I'm not sure I could ever be capable of such dissonance again.

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Do you think think this is part the attachment issue or disorder thing?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">chaotic, I'm not sure, as I don't have that particular issue, at least not much anyway. But other people here have mentioned difficulty holding onto good feelings over time, so maybe they will chime in and answer.

I totally get what you are saying about your relationship with your husband.

I'm sorry but I find what you are expressing so interesting, yet so foreign. I know I am hopelessly clueless most of the times... but I have another question. I think people can have a great 2-way (mutually beneficial) relationship without feeling the same way about each other. However, what I feel when I read what you've written is something a little bit cooler.

When your T expressed to you how much your therapeutic relationship meant to him, was the feeling you experienced something like...OMG, I finally found someone who feels the same way about me as I feel about them? Kind of like a major relief that you weren't again feeling something that the other party didn't feel.

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Lemon said:
Do you find 'in real life' that you deflect appreciation and thanks?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, I do that too. But I have learned in therapy not to do it. When my T tells me thank you, I do not shrug it off and say, "oh it was nothing." I look at him and say very sincerely, "you're welcome" or "it made me happy to do that for you," or whatever. Now if only I can transfer that newly learned behavior over to my outside life.

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chaotic13 said:
I have another question. I think people can have a great 2-way (mutually beneficial) relationship without feeling the same way about each other.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I agree and do have relationships like that.

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I'm sorry but I find what you are expressing so interesting, yet so foreign.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I am interested in what you find foreign about it--just not something you have experienced? Yet.

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When your T expressed to you how much your therapeutic relationship meant to him, was the feeling you experienced something like...OMG, I finally found someone who feels the same way about me as I feel about them? Kind of like a major relief that you weren't again feeling something that the other party didn't feel.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Well, my T didn't say anything to me about our therapeutic relationship. But we have talked about it before, and he definitely acknowledges that it is something very special. What T said to me in this session was that I was one of his very favorite people in the world. Not one of his favorite clients, not one of his favorite therapeutic relationships. His statement was beyond that, said person to person, not therapist to client. So this statement from him, together with how much I gave him at our last session and at others, and how much he was benefiting (which he allowed me to see), made me feel the mutualism/reciprocity. And yes, as you said, that felt really great!

I got this! TY

Yes, I meant foreign as in I've had not personal experienced nor had I thought (consciously) about relationships in this way. It is interesting because it sounds really nice.

Interesting how I see something as connected but immediately try to separate it again.