[Lexicon78]

I have 2 situations that are really bugging me right now. I need somebody's help, support, whatever.

My bf wants to spend the weekend at our friend's house. We're supposed to be there for New Year's for a party. The only problem is I can't possibly stay for that long! You see I have this problem with being around people for an extended period of time. I know a weekend doesn't sound like an extended period of time to most people, but it is to me. The longer I'm around people the more agitated and uncomfortable I become. I tried to talk to my bf about this, but he is not being supportive at all about this. He said he'd be there and I wouldn't have to worry. He said it's the only male friends we have and that we barely get out at all and that we need it. He said I could hang out with the girls and all that.

Yeah, that sounds all fine and dandy...to someone who doesn't have severe anxiety problems and is a people person and all that. But I'm not. The last time we stayed there I started to freak out a little. I didn't let it show, but I don't want to feel like that again!

Do I tell him I'm not going? I don't know. I'd like to tell him that. He made the point that I'm gonna be around over 30 people next week. Yeah, I'm having a baby shower for my sister and it's only gonna be a couple of hours. I can leave when I want to. But this is totally different. When we go, I can't leave. Our friends live about a half hour away and they're my ride. So I'd be stuck.

That's the first issue. The second issue is around driving. You see my bf wants me to get my driver's license this year. That sounds good and will be very hard for me to do. As soon as I get my license he wants to move a half hour away to his dad's cabin. It sounds nice, the bills would be less, we'd be closer to shopping centers and all that, but there are actually 2 problems with this one. (1) I'd be moving away from my dad, who I dearly love and I cannot leave him. He's all I really have since my mom died almost 2 years ago. (2) The cabin is located in an area where I was severely abused by another bf. I cannot just go back there so easily.

Both these causes great fear in me. It's like I'm being pulled in so many directions right now. I don't know what to do, and if I do anything, how will I do it? I'm so terrified right now.

[sara1010]

Perhaps this is a turning point in your life. Instead of dreading the upcoming weekend, why not view it as a stage of growth. Yes, there will be times you'll want to run and hide, which may be a good idea. Bring a book, a deck of cards, etc., stuff that you can amuse yourself with and find a comfy spot every once in a while. You don't have to be a social butterfly every second you're there.

As for the moving away to the cabin and the license, do the license my dear, you'll have an incredible sense of freedom once you do. The move will not be an issue if you get the license. With you being abused in the 'same area' well, it wasn't the cabin now was it?

Lexie, stress comes and stress goes, if you remain afraid of things that shouldn't mean anything all your life, don't move. Don't get the license to drive. Don't make new friends. Don't hope to make your man proud of you for your courage. Who by the way, must love you a lot. He wants you to stretch a little because he knows it's good for you.

A few weeks ago we went to a movie, my hubby and me, and after that we stopped at a very busy restaurant bread shop to pick up some buns. I am like you, crowds make me nervous, and I have always tried to get my hubby to deal with clerks etc. Well, I had to ask the girl for the two particular loaves, and when waiting in line I realized I was getting nervous about it for some reason. I thought a few minutes about and discovered it was because I looked to other people for acceptance. BUT THIS WAS A STORE CLERK FOR GOODNESS SAKE!?!?!?! LOL! Why would I want acceptance from her? So just be nice I thought, order the stuff, pay for it and you're homefree! After I paid for it and walked away, I felt a real sense of pride. Silly huh? For just ordering bread. But I think my hubby was also watching me and I wanted him to know I wasn't a helpless thing either.

[Lexicon78]

I know. I should do all these things. But there's another thing. There are gonna be children there. I can't be around children...I'm afraid of something. I don't know what.

[Myzen]

Hi Lex,

This is only my own view, but my worst panic attacks have come when I am forcing myself to do something that I really don't want to do.

If there is something that I do want to do, then I find that it's worth pushing myself, but if I really don't want to do something then these days I give myself a break and don't do it.

I guess the bottom line is whether we are living a reasonable life within our abilities, just as regular people do. I certainly don't let others pressure me into a position I don't want. That has happened too much in my early life, and it wasn't good for me.

So, while I agree that it's good to challenge ourselves, I think we need to be really clear about the challenges, and think about what we really want in our lives and what we don't want. We might have anxiety problems, but we are still people with choice and preferences.

What do you really want? It feels from your post that you have a strong desire to be near your Dad, and yet you also want to please your boyfriend. Is this a 'tug of love'?

Good thoughts, M

[Parker10]

Hi Lex.........I have a few thougths on this, since the weekend around people issue used to be one that I could not have handled either. As I started learning more and more about overcoming my anxiety and avoidance issues, I learned to "trick myself". Like if I was invited somewhere like you are, I would just tell myself something like - absolutely no way I am going to even try to do that. THE END of story. That way I didnt get all worked up with anticipatory anxiety worrying about it for days or weeks. (The anticipatory anxiety was always much much worse for me than actually doing something anyway). I would sail right through the "waiting period" because I had already given myself permission NOT to attend, and I would stay calm, and then when it was time to actually go, I did. At least doing it that way, I didnt already have myself all worked up, symptoms galore, and dread and fear at their peak. Sure, once I got there, THEN I might be uncomfortable - but with coping skills, and even some "escape plans" in place should I have needed them, I actually would LIVE THRU IT ! My yardstick for measuring how I did in a stressful situation was simple - IF I lived to tell about it - it was a success. Someone else already mentioned taking things with u that might comfort you - I had a little bag of goodies - and things like that can help alot ! I also wore a rubberband around my wrist - and when I started feeling zoned out - the anxiety building - I pulled that sucker and let it go and OUCH ! BUT - I was then distracted, my brain changed gears, and the anxiety was at the least lessened. I dont know where u live, but if its cold outside while u are staying with the friends and you start to feel anxious - step outside, get cold, shiver, and break your train of thought about the anxiety. Oh the little tricks we learn while overcoming phobias !

GOod luck ..........I hope you can get to that party and have some fun ! You will never get better at being around people unless you start "feeling the fear and doing it anyway".

[BlueFaith]

Hi, Lex. I think sara, Parker, and Myzen gave you some good info, and I really don't have anything to add to it. I just wanted you to know that I am here for you. I care. PM me anytime you need to.

[sara1010]

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Lexicon78 said:
I know. I should do all these things. But there's another thing. There are gonna be children there. I can't be around children...I'm afraid of something. I don't know what.

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Lexi, do you do this sort of thing often? What I mean is, you saying, 'Yes, I should do this, BUT..................'

I understand this may be your way of rationalizing your fears, but you do know if you continue to come up with excuses to avoid that which makes you uncomfortable, you will never be healed.

I also never cared for children, never could place my finger on it, they were creepy little things and I couldn't stand them being close, nor could I respect their needs. Needless to say, children rarely stepped into our house. Anyway, after reading Inner Child of the Past and I'M OK YOU'RE OK, I lost 95% of the loathing I had for children. Now, I study them when in close proximaty. What I came to realize was that my childhood was so painful to me, I rejected anything that touched the hurt Child inside of myself. Being around kids did this, reminded me of my pain and suffering and what I had to endure when I was little. I have been able to accept this suffering for what it was and that it had happened long, long ago and I didn't need to wear it now like a protective coat as an adult woman.

If you have a Barnes & Nobles bookstore in your area, go ask for the I'M OK book, if you can't do that, print out a bunch of the pages in the link of my signature, a good place to start, and take that with you this weekend to read and learn.

[Lexicon78]

Well, I went to the party and made it through the weekend. The children came. There was one boy and one girl. The girl was the same age and looked a lot like that little girl I tried to protect. It was so hard to look at her sometimes, but I tried my best to push everything out of my mind.

I did have some difficulty this weekend. Me and my bf were laying in bed holding each other....harmless stuff. Then I noticed on the other side of me there was room on the mattress (we slept on a mattress that was on the floor in the livingroom). I became so terrified that the little girl would come in and lay beside me. She never did, but the intense fear was there. But I got past it.

Just wanted to tell you all how I fared this weekend.

[Parker10]

Congrats on "Living to tell about it "!!!!!! MAJOR Kudos !!!!!!! Pushing past the fear and doing it anyway is a much bigger success than you may realize ! NOW, keep on expanding your boundaries. Try to keep going out, being around people !! WOW- I really didnt think you would go to that party - and you did!!! WOOOOHOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!

[sara1010]

You are awesome!

[chitown]

You go Girl! Great job Lexicon!
It takes alot of work to overcome your fears and anxieties. Like Parker said. Anticipitory anxiety is the worst thing in the world! I am an authority of that! LOL. I worry about everything except what I am doing right now. I can turn a great thing 180deg and make into a horrible situation. I have learned to change that and I know that you can too.
As far as the license goes, do it! You won't regret that. The moving thing, well that is not so straight forward. Don't let anyone pressure you into that. You need to do things for "You" not for anyone else.
Keep up the great work and big ((((HUGS)))) to you.