[fight]

I cannot enjoy anything, when people ask me what I do for fun I don’t know what to say. I always feel so much pressure from myself to perform. I constantly compare myself to others; I blow things out of proportion. If there is a girl I like and I see her talking with another guy I immediately tell myself everything that he does better than me and I force myself to stop liking the girl so I don’t get hurt when she starts dating another guy. Then the rest of the time I spend with the girl is uncomfortable and stressful. I start looking out for people saying bad things about me, I am able to take every little thing they say and spin it so that it is somehow is a bad thing. Then I get defensive and decide that in order to protect myself I need to hate them back. I am afraid to talk to people because I tell myself that no matter what I say will not be enough, that someone else could say it better. I am constantly on the lookout for something to blow up about, whether it is someone not looking at me the right way or handing me crumpled up dollar bills at the cash register. I can only focus on the negative things that are going on around me and I look right past the good in my life. My mind is so muddled with the anxieties and worries and irrational thoughts that it is hard to figure out what is really going on and what is just in my head.


Thanks for taking time to read,

Fight

[shezbut]

(((Fight)))

I sure can relate! I feel as though you're experiencing the same thing that I've gone through for as long as I can remember. With one exception: I have a tendency to save my explosions for those who I am actually close to. Ugh! Guilt galore on that one!!

My cause is rocky and jagged relationships with family members all throughout my childhood. Always trying to satisfy, comfort, and alleviate stress in the household. Unsuccessfully. I quickly learned that avoiding my house was a relief, but that option led to more hurts and lifelong consequences. I've been in therapy (with many different T's) for 30 years. Trying hard to fix my problems.

Just one or two years ago, I finally could see my patterns and the causes, but I still haven't gained acceptance. That piece is up to us to take control of, in order to let go of the pain and self-hatred that we feel inside of ourselves. Until I am willing to accept my past (as sucky as it was, it's still in my past) than I will not be an actual player in the game of life. Instead, in sitting on the sidelines, refusing to go up to bat (because I don't like this game, or whatever).

I have accepted that fact. That part of the pie. But, I'm not quite ready to let go of the shame and anger about my childhood. Sounds pathetic, I am sure! I know my family would tell me it is ridiculous. I just have to loudly remind myself (perhaps?) that my acceptance of the past would be for me. Not for anyone else. Just so I don't have to carry these miserable feelings around with me forever.

Don't know if that helps you gain some sense of understanding your self-hate, shame and misery ~ but I sure hope that it does & hasn't hurt you any further! Best wishes to you.

[fight]

Shez,

Thank you for the post, I am glad to hear that you have been able to figure some things out in your life. Unfortunately right now I can't find the cause for all these effects. It seems one day I will be comfortable with my friends and I am able to appreciate my time with them and enjoy myself, and then the next day some worries creep into my head and then its the snow ball effect from there on. Typically I remove those friends from my life, go on to be a loner for awhile and then start the cycle over. It makes it very difficult to have close friends and especially girlfriends and it not only hurts the people I turn away from but also myself.

I can see what I am doing but I can't stop myself. Its like my personality does a complete 180, I lose interest and enjoyment and just kind of push my friends away. The worries, the thoughts of being inadequate, of not being enough, scare me away from trying to keep the friendships going. It takes a toll on my moods and emotions and I hate living like this, but it seems its an unstoppable force.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can start to get over this? I have spent the last few years of my life trying to figure out what is wrong with me but none trying to get help. That's the story of my life actually, spend all my time thinking about what I should do and using none to take action.

Thanks,

Fight

[Severijn]

He fight.

I could be wrong (not a qualified therapist) but to me it sounds like a self-esteem problem, and some form of social anxiety disorder.

If you use treatments (therapy, self-help, medications) for these issues, I think your condition can improve.

Have you ever considered that it could be social anxiety you are experiencing?

[addcolin]

fight
I seem to do this also for as long as I can remember. The more I try to do anything, the more I seem to sabotage myself.
Alienated from family, friends etc... then cycle cycles on and on... spiralling ever downwards, until, I scared myself so much I went for help for the first time.
I now take an anti depressant (Citalopram) which stops me going too far down, but also combined with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, is starting to allow me to notice these same self-destructive patterns, which have brought me to this place.
shezbut says it all, the feelings and consequences, just go gently on yourself.
I know it is very hard to do, but in the end, it is only up to us, if we want to try move towards the Light, so welcome to this place of kindred spirits...

[Silent_tsol]

"I cannot enjoy anything, when people ask me what I do for fun I don’t know what to say. I always feel so much pressure from myself to perform"
I tried to post a similar thread somewhere else but this line explains exactly what I meant to say! Ty for it

I've recently started reading a book called "The Mindfulness Solution: everyday practices" by Ronald Siegal. So far it talks a lot about how we spend so much time worrying about how to make ourselves happy that we never get a chance to be happy. It might be worth taking a look at, it was only $10. I've also tried CBT books which might help you (I wasn't very good at them).

As far as figuring out why you do this seeing a T might be your best bet

[fight]

Thank you for the responses guys/gals

Severijn, I have considered SA I have even talked to my Doctor about having it. They suggested I talk to a therapist at my school. I never ended up doing it because I too nervous to and I couldn't convince myself that it would be worth it.

I am afraid to tell someone because I am afraid of what they will think, I am afraid of what the consequences will be, I have spent most of my life trying to cover up my fears. I told myself everyone feels this way, I tried to hide my anxiety and worries.

When I read this it seems so silly but when I am faced with going to a Therapist I freeze and my mind screams at me and it seems like only the worst thing possible will happen.

It is until only recently where I have actually been able to realize what I have been doing to myself all these years, now I can spot some of the thoughts that are blowing things out of proportion and those that are based on no truths. It has helped me lighten up a little bit but no where near where I want to be.

Thanks,

Alec

[unaluna]

Fight, do you feel your family encourages you or discourages you? I had a girlfriend tell me she could tell it took me a couple of days to return to my old self after visiting my mother. but you say you are still in school so you might not have much choice there? still seeing a therapist might give you some skills in handling these issues. good luck. sincerely.

[fight]

Hankster, I think my family is supportive of me but I tend to view them in the same light I view myself. I am overcritical of them and I don't think they truly understand what I am going through and I find it too hard to tell them. I have opened up to them numerous times in the past and all I got was a little pep talk and was told it will be all right. Never helped.

I am going to a local college right now but in a year or two I will be moving out and I have thought about moving out earlier, but the same worries and anxieties keep me from doing other things I want, are also keeping me from doing this.

Thanks,

Alec