why does being criticized constantly as a child by everyone do this to you

why do you develop a sense that you're a complete idiot.

and how does a person like that stop believing they're an idiot?

Continual criticism,especially during childhood, will fill anyone with anxiety because they begin to believe that they are unable to function without making mistakes.

We can overcome this negative programming by refusing to criticize ourselves,under no circumstances calling ourselves names or using hateful labels to describe ourselves and most importantly,complimenting ourselves when we do anything,even our daily chores,well.

Later today I will publish an article in the School and Study Issues forum about the best way to correct our mistakes which you will find useful.

Because you take it in, you internalize it, and it becomes your own voice telling you these untruths. The same way a child who is praised internalizes that, and has a compassionate and praising internal voice.

It takes work to get past the feeling you mention. I hope you have therapy to help you.

Because we were required to meet those expectations and accept what we were told. It was a matter of survival to us when we were children, and we internalized it because we had no choice back then. Adverse experiences like abuse, trauma, and including emotional abuse and neglect cause damage to our brains that is observable on a PET scan. I can tell people facts about it, but I haven't been able to get past feeling like I am "less than" others, and my confidence and sense of self efficacy were destroyed. For some people, acting in a different way - acting as if you believe in yourself - might repair the damage. It takes encouragement and internalizing new, more positive messages about yourself. You could also use affirmations. I haven't been able to do it that way, and I might get to try EMDR soon. I have a little more hope that maybe EMDR will change something.

When I was 7 working on math homework, my genius father was trying to help and he ended up getting mad and telling me I was too stupid to learn.

That was it. I graduated high school and couldn't even multiply.

In my 20's I started teaching myself math and slowly gained confidence.
Today my job is to work with millions of dollars of other peoples money. I am very good at what I do.

I use that one example for myself as a reminder that I do not have to follow my father's prediction. Or anyone else's either.

Use positive self talk to try to turn it around. Search for examples where you have accomplished something you are proud of and keep those close as reminders.
Very hard work to undo the words of our parents, just keep putting in a new CD to listen to instead of that old record album.

Rosie - that is a tremendous success story!

Criticism is damaging - that voice gets inside your head. You must tell yourself positive things! You can change how you think and view yourself!

Hi,
There are several causes for your feelings. The things like fears, failures, negativity, anxiousness made you to think in particular manner that reduce your confidence. so overcoming this you need to develop confidence on you by Visualizing confidence, meditating, work out, travelling, learning a few new things having fun. There are millions of ways but it is all your choice. Good luck.

Consider this model.....

Think of yourself like an object flying along a path. On the left side is an area that represents an extremely positive self-opinion and on the right side an extremely negative one. Your trajectory depends on the forces pushing you toward either side. These forces result from the way you interpret your experiences.

Everyday you are having experiences and when you evaluate many of those experiences in your mind you determine that they either prove that you are smart or else prove that you are stupid. As can be seen in the diagram below, your evaluations are mostly negative and as a result you are pushed into the low self-esteem area.

The "forces" come from the sides and push your path as you move along into the negative or positive areas of "self-worth".

.............................................
.............................................
Positive......... Your ......Negative.
Area............. Path .......Area ....
.............................................
..........................^........ ........
=======>...... //....<==........
=======> .....//.... <==........
=======>.... //......<==........
.............................................
.............................................

You cannot simply "think" your way out of this situation and trying to prove "once and for all" that you are smart is likely to fail because there isn't enough force behind it. What you need is to change the balance of the forces pushing you so that they are moving you to the positive area of feeling that you are intelligent.

I said earlier that these "forces" are the result of interpretation of experience. This can be diagrammed as follows:

1. ( actual event ) X ( your beliefs ) => ( perceived event )

2. ( perceived event ) X ( belief of cause ) => ( evaluation of self )

3. ( evaluation of self ) X ( personal standards ) => ( your value )

4. ( your value ) X ( value judgement ) => ( feeling of self worth )

This might seem complicated but it's really very simple. All it says is that how you interpret an event that happens to you depends on your beliefs on what caused it. This in turn results in an evaluation of the characteristics you have. You compare this to a standard you have of how you "should be", which then produces a "value" in your mind which you assign yourself. Your interpretation of high value as "good" and low value as "bad" results in a feeling, and that feeling is your self-worth.

Here is an example of how this process might work with you:

1. ( Jack laughed at my idea ) X ( Other people know the truth ) => ( My idea was stupid )

2. ( My idea was stupid ) X ( A smart person would know better ) => ( I am stupid )

3. ( I am stupid ) X ( I should be smart ) => ( I have low worth )

4. ( I have low worth ) X ( Low worth is bad ) => ( I am bad ) => ( I feel bad )

So, if you trace your thoughts out you realize you are doing this exact same process everyday and the result of these processes is what causes your low self-esteem. In order to change your self-esteem you must have a preponderance of affirming processes which result in your feeling that you are smart and therefore have high worth. As can be seen in the diagram, the only way to do this is to either (a) change your beliefs, or (b) change the actual events happening to you. There is no other way out.

Chances are you cannot get the confirmation that you need from the outside world to convince yourself that you are intelligent. No one is going to hand you a Nobel prize or laud you with so much praise that you are forced to believe it. Instead, you will have to approach it as follows:

(1) debunk the beliefs that cause you to misinterpret actual events in ways that make you culpable for doing or thinking stupid things. You must determine either that (a) you are not really acting or thinking in a stupid fashion, or (b) you are being "stupid" but it isn't your fault.

(2) debunk the beliefs that cause you to assign a low value to a person who is not very highly intelligent, perfect, or otherwise superior.

Here is a hypothetical debunk of the process diagrammed above:

1. ( Jack laughed at my idea ) X ( Other people know the truth ) => ( My idea was stupid )

Debunk: If other people knew the truth then everyone would agree on everything. However they do not. For any given idea there is almost always a few people who think it is stupid. Therefore, Jack's interpretation is merely his opinion and not a fact. Since everyone has there own opinion, and there's no good reason to think my idea is stupid, I am justified in assuming it is reasonable.

Let's assume that your idea really was stupid, since this will happen sometimes. Here is another debunk:

1. ( Jack laughed at my idea ) X ( Other people know the truth )=> ( My idea was stupid )

2. ( My idea was stupid ) X ( A smart person would know better ) => ( I am stupid )

Debunk: If a smart person "should know better" then most people would never do anything stupid. However, it is clear from observation that almost everyone has made numerous stupid mistakes. In fact, anyone who claims not to is almost certainly a LIAR. I can verify this pattern by investigating people who I know to be honest (my mom, cousin, brother, friend, teacher, etc.). All of them admit to making numerous stupid mistakes as bad or WORSE than mine. Therefore, smart people would not necessarily "know better". Therefore, it cannot be said that I am stupid as there is no evidence. IN FACT, since I am typical unless it can be shown otherwise, and typical people are reasonably intelligent, I am justified in assuming that I am reasonably intelligent.

There are some other cognitive therapy methods that you can use to debunk pathological beliefs but the basic technique is the same, identify the thought, debunk it, replace with a positive and more accurate thought, and repeat until you are totally sure of it.

Hope this helps.

This pattern is really stuffing. Thanks for sharing

My pleasure.

I was constantly criticitized and picked on as a child and young adult! My peers teased me and put me down for everything from the time I was 2 thru 12 th grade. As a young child my parents always blamed me from doing something wrong to bring on the attacks by my peers. thru this day my mom still jumps on me for how I dress how I wear my hair or makeup etc. And I'm 38 and don't live with her. If she doesn't like something she addreses me critically and demands I go back home and dress to her standards! And she wonders why I have control issues over my body and food ? I will never be able to win in her eyes! Plus I rebelled and broke out of the family tradition and got tattoos! O geeze! And now she thinks I'm an outcast in the family! I don't know what todo. I've tried to relocate to other parts if the country but she fabricates these lies that force me home and make my life miserable again. I'm sooo lost and confused and totally controlled by her manipulation. I struggle with MH issues depression and PTSD and I feel anorexia and every time I try to make a like for myself she pulls the strings . Where do I go now?

Good topic..... My personal opinion is that at an early age we still haven't developed a sense of self and who we are. The children at an early age that are nurtured, loved and supported are more than likely going to grow and have a strong confident sense of who they are.

Likewise, the ones that are put down, teased, made fun of and not given a loving support system are more likely going to carry these negative attributes into adult hood.

When I was a kid I was put down for my looks. I had acne really bad and was called pizza face. I had people around me that acted like they were my friends but really weren't, I wasn't invited to parties and was told that no one liked me. I'm 42, and I'll be 43 in about a week. I still have these memories, still see them as clear as day, and still believe them to be true. I believe all these are the reasons I have major depression, borderline personality, generalized anxiety, and while not diagnosed, I do believe I have minor ptsd.

I also believe genetics play a factor, as well, because there are some that can go through the same experiences many of us had, and it makes them a stronger and better person.

That's my take!!

People have different resilience. Resilience comes from internal and external factors. Some people seem to be built to handle more than others, but everyone has their limits. Resilience is also taught. If you learn that you have support available and parents, friends, or someone will be there and stand by you through your troubles, you can handle more than if you believe you are all alone or someone will criticize you and tell you that you are never good enough. You can become more resilient by finding people who support you and being around them more, and by building your coping skills.

A part of the curriculum/guidelines used as a foundation of the recreation programs i work in with children focus on resilience. Learning to trust, being around supportive & positive people, and developing coping skills - consider your reaction and response to a situation...what can help? - are important traits that children should learn. My supervisors stress that we - staff members in these programs - are in positions to be role models so we need to be able to share clearly, with all in attendance, productive ways to solve problems, communicate with others, cooperate as a team, be compassionate/caring/respectful...

Unfortunately, i think i am just NOW learning this for MYSELF... My answer to the original question is: all of those judgements, negative remarks, insults, and just "ugh!...you...*with so much distain/disgust/disappointment and *" just break the child down. I imagine a chisel chip, chip, chipping away at a stone structure. Gradually it is reduced to a pile of rubble. Then ground further into gravel. Then smashed further into thin grit - sand mixed with dirt and just an overall mess. And then all of the shakes and tremors - nervous, worried, PANIC - are due to the danger that always seems to be there booming and lumbering in the distance. To the point where the vibrations never, never, ever go away...

Can each of us be rebuilt? Is there any point when there is still so much danger out there? How is each of our existences valuable in creation? What about when the other shoe drops after "the good times"? How do others stand strong - or are not completely shattered 24/7? Do the *vibrations* always have to be so strong (ly felt)?

Honestly, could i still be me despite the shattered mess within; or am i really just an empty shape with a pile of broken pieces on top of a pile of grit? = Like is any of that mess even useful or worthwhile to exist in any way?

Thanks again for posting this question.............

...plus "the critisism" just joins the broken and never-ending record playing in your head and at TOP VOLUME during stressful times. I dont think 1 can reduce anxiety if 1 cant think of a solution/ground/coping technique to relax when THAT record is playing SO ****ING LOUD!!!

It is important to remember that adults who criticize or hurt children (in any way) are responsible for their actions. Children simply cannot cause adults to harm them. The conclusions children draw generally include ideas about unworthiness. It is so essential to realize that you are not now and most certainly were not unworthy as a child. I am sorry that happened and hope you will work to remember that adults who cross boundaries (emotional or otherwise) with children are responsible for their actions. A child cannot be and you are not.