I am the biggest freaking LOSER!

ARGH, and I hate my family!

My BIL died this morning (husband of another sister, not the one I'm living with). They think he had a heart attack, but the autopsy isn't done yet. It was very unexpected, in any event.

I have medical issues that would make a normal person stay home -- it's going to be a 7-hour drive from here to where the funeral is. But I have endless guilt surrounding my family. I'm the youngest by tons (they're 8, 10, 12 and 13 years older than me, all married with kids, which I am not), and they treated me like a pesky gnat for so many years that by the time they actually wanted me around, I didn't want to be around.

So I avoid family stuff if I can, and I take crap for it. If I don't go to my BIL's funeral, it is going to be for a good reason, which is that I have no desire to die of a stroke.

My sister, who fancies herself an amateur psychologist, just spent TWO HOURS telling me on the one hand that I need to just let it go, and on the other, that I shouldn't give a damn what everybody else thinks.

Well, I care what they think, and while I want to support my sis and her kids in their loss, I've already flatlined once in the last 6 months and I don't want to do that again. All I can hear, though, is "that f'ing Candy, here she goes blowing off family stuff again."

So I'm going to go, and to h*ell with me, because you know, who cares? She did more to make me feel guilty while she was telling me not to feel guilty!

I'm so confused, and I feel so invalidated, and I am so hyper that I am going to need about 12 Xanax to even BEGIN to wind down. I kept trying to defend myself and tell her that I've really come a lot farther down the road of liking myself than she thinks, but she kept telling me I have to move forward, blah blah blah.

Ohhh, man. Can you *tell* I'm hyper?! I'm pretty sure I'm not making any sense, but I also haven't been this anxious in a long, long time. I could sit here and type for hours, but maybe I need to direct that into emails to various people or something, instead of tormenting everyone here with my nonsense.

I still haven't recovered from the trauma of my dad's death years ago (it'll be 7 yrs in August), and now I have to go back to the same stupid place for another stupid funeral, and I just can't do this well, psychologically, anyway, regardless of my physical health. UGH! I feel like such a freak. I guess that means my T accomplished something, because back in the day I would have said I hate myself. I like myself a lot more than I used to, but I still feel like a freak!

I'm shutting up now.....thanks for listening to the rant. I don't know what I expected it to accomplish, but typing felt good, anyway!

Candy

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Why are you calling yourself names for your sister's lack of understanding and sympathy for you?? She's the one that's being a jerk, NOT YOU! YOU are NOT the loser!

Don't go is what I say! You need to take care of YOU first!

Let's just face it, hon -- I suck. I am a mentally ill FREAK. I hate being this way, and I hate people who don't make concessions for it, but mostly I hate myself for not being strong enough to overcome it!

candybear, let me climb on board behind Septy, don't go. Send flowers. Your health needs are valid. You don't have to prove anything to anybody. Death is a biggy, but, not worth making yourself sick over.

If family members lean on you, just say, "I can't."period end.
If they don't understand, politely hang up. Like Dirty Harry said,"A man's got to know his limitations." Goes for us girls too. Sorry parts of your family have unrealistic expectations of you and your participation in family stuff. I can't keep up either...... You are not a loser for setting limits, heck, for me, that was when I started to win!

(((((((((((((((candybear)))))))))))))
you are not a loser stop selling your self short look after your self you are worth it

((((((((((((((((candybear))))))))))))))))))))

i dont think you are a loser. Dont take other people labels

I agree with everyone else, hon.

Granted I know nothing about your family other than what you've shared...BUT...

Like you said, you flatlined once this past year and nothing, NOTHING is worth that!!!

You have been such a wonderful friend and support for me...not a "freak." Someone who's going through a really bad time...keep talking to us!!!

I'm around on pm or Yahoo if you want to talk!

*HUGS*

((((((((((( Candy )))))))))))))
You are not a loser.

Roe

((((((((((((((((((((((candybear))))))))))) it has been a long time since I have communicated with you... I know Milwaukee if that jogs your memory at all of me... anyhooooooo I just have to say this... YOU are not a loser , YOU are not a jerk, and you are definitely not a freak.. send flowers, it isn't as if you live next door. Call your sister and the kids later after it has settled for the day and let her know that you care. You have to take care of you and you know this candybear or there will be no caring for anyone. My heart goes out to you at this time because it is confusing, just know that you have many friends here that care about you and will have you in their thoughts during this rough time. Hugs to you again. LInda

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hillbunnyb said:
You are not a loser for setting limits, heck, for me, that was when I started to win!

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Candy, listen to the voice of wisdom and experience!

It took 2 Xanax and an extra 2 mg Risperdal for me to chill out enough to sleep last night. I slept till noon, and I still feel like crap.

My niece is going to come along, but she can't get here till 5 pm Friday (it's a 3 hour drive to here from where she lives). So it'd be a 7-hour trip culminating in the middle of the night, for a service Saturday, then turn around and go home Sunday. Lot harder to find places to get out and walk around at 1 in the morning.

I dunno. I'm still anxious as all get-out.



Candy

Candy, I am hurt and offended that you referred to yourself as a mentally ill freak. You are a wise, caring, compassionate person. I am sorry you have to depend on your family to live right now. I want you to believe it's okay to stick up for you!!!!!! ALSO MS. REPORTER, look up everything you can on your medical condition and print it off for these idiot siblings of yours to read and understand.

You may not refer to my friend as a freak again. Do you understand that? You may call her kind, compassionate, a survivor of much trauma, a good friend, a great mom, a wonderful writer. You may not call her bad names. Am I making myself clear? Please be kind to people, we all deserve it. YES< YOU>