I suffer...

I am a pregnant, 23 year old female. I have been suffering from panic/anxiety attacks for a long time. I just go about my life as if nothing is wrong. Since I have been pregnant, I have had many health problems, and the attacks are now accompanied by seizers. I am so affraid for not only myself, but my unborn and also my career. Before I became pregnant, and even now, I've always been known as smiley, and adopted that name whereever I go. Everyone has always said they envy me, and I don't know why. They say I'm fun, lovable, honest, and I've even had people tell me they wish they were me. I don't think that I am no more then the below average person. I have had to deal with suicidal thoughts, feelings of hate, and I am so tired of the unexspected crying. I am still militray bound, and even when I am at my lowest, I may not express my feelings but there is always someone else that confides in me and wants advise. I get to the point where I wake up crying, and sometimes I have to make exscuses for missing things. Most of the time I want to be alone, and I feel like no one understands even if I spelled it out, or there is no time for my problems because someone is requesting my attention or advise. I am too hurt to say that I get the same feelings they do, but I always feel as though I have to help. Everyone says my strong point is helping others, but I feel like a hypocrite because so many look up to me and I help so many people that if they really knew what I was thinking, their fondness of me would be heavily affected. All of the test, quizes, and those I have confided in me are very close to me. I know that they would never tell my painful secrets, but I'm getting to the point that I feel like living is just so hard. Life is said to be the best gift, but if I could I would give my gift to someone else. I never feel like I have done enough, or that I have done my best. Nobody really understands my ugly truth, and I can't find anyone that I can relate to. I feel like things are always at the worst, and will only get worst. My fiance says that I often take on too much, or problems that don't affect me either way, but I can't help myself. I can't seem to turn my back on not even my worst enemy. The quizes, the test, and I have yet to tell my doctor and with hopes he doesn't find out, but even the er doctors think I need to look for a possible answer to the anxiety and often has mentioned that I might seek the advise of my primary or someone that can treat depression. Since even weighing the information, I still feel as though by confiding in anyone, I will be judged and that is something else I just don't need. It hurts so much, I just have gotten to the point that I've been told that it could lead to alot of problems. I just can't push myself to even be diagnosed with depression, I think the reality would push me over the edge. It is taking such a toll on my relationship that I don't think it will last. I know that there is always two sides to every story, but I don't have to include the other half because I know the majority of the blame falls on me. I hate that even when I tell my significant other that it's not him it's me, he always replies with the comment, "it takes two!" I just don't know where to turn, and I am in fear that depression will ruin my life if it is recorded. Does anyone have any suggestions? or would anyone know the best way of going about help without jeopordizing my unborn child, my career, my future, or my relationship? If everyone thinks I am top notch, then why do I feel I am not? If you understand any of the information I have provided please respond, I look forward to the help. Thank you, Sugar Cookie

Sugarcookie, your hormones are raging. you're pregnant. that is impacting your emotional life tremendously. and if i understand, you're military? that within itself is stressful. you SO sounds as if he'd probably go with you for counseling??? do you think he would? that would be tremendously helpful.

i would strongly suggest that you follow what you've been told by the ER docs and seek some professional help dealing with this. it is not a failing to be depressed or suffer from anxiety. it is the same as seeking professional help for a kidney disease, a headache, etc. we've all be DXed with something or the other. i have bipolarII. i'm glad to have a diagnosis and meds to help me with it.

please let me know how you are doing. i'll be offline for a few days but there are many others here who will listen and help. the main thing is to keep posting here and to also seek some help. love, pat

Hi Sugarcookie,
I was once in that position, too.
It seemed I was always discussing someone else's pains and hurts but somehow my hurts never got around to being mentioned. Even when I did bring it up it was basically brushed aside.
It makes you feel hurt and used.
If you're having seizers, you really need to see a doctor.
I hope that you're okay.
PM me if you need to talk.
((((((((Sugarcookie))))))))

i agree with everyone who has written.
i hope you can get through this, you seem like a very
strong person.

when my mother was pregnent with my brother, she was also having seizers, her baby was not harmed in any way. i hope you have the same outcome.
((((( hugs )))))
-megan-

Hi!
Don't u worry. Try to think positive. it will be alright and u will soon have a nicooo new partner for ur life...ur baby...Try to be happy and also keep urself busy. Also discuss it all with ur doctor and ur husband. I hope u will be alright.

With love
Naina

Gosh I know the feeling. I`m a business woman, successful have a child, house , car....everything but have been anxious all my life. I look like the strongest person. Everyone too comes to me when in need & they think I`m great. So just all this to tell you first of all, you are strong, extremely strong. I was full of panic when pregnant & have been since I was 17. I was so afraid of being a bad mom but you know what, I`m a really good mom & my son reminds me every day. It`s so hard to live with this & I really think you keeping all this inside is not helping you at all. It`s hard enough living with all the anxiety so therapy might really be beneficial & also maybe if the needy people around you knew you had this they would not put so much on you. You will be a great, understanding mom, believe me.if anything it might just really help to vent here. Please let us know how you are. HUGS