[Aquall]

Today has been a good day but I feel so bad right now anyway. I don't know what's wrong with me. All these thousand thought comes at the same time and I can't stand it. I can't even understand what I'm thinking. I feel like I want to hurt myself, really bad, but at the same time I really don't want to, because last time I did it was in September and I don't want to fall back to that.

I wanna become I new person. I wanna break all the bonds and just leave this life I'm living, but I really cant. There's no chance. I feel like I'm watched, all the time. I want mirrors, A lot of mirrors everywhere so I can see in every direction, but I don't want to se my own reflection. I don't thonk good about myself, I'm too fat, to big, to ugly to ever do anything I'll ever want to do. Noone could ever really love me, but I can't do that either so I guess that just makes it fair. I can't trust people. I just feel like everything in my head is my secret and noone should know. Oh god, what would they think about me?

I'm really scared. I don't really know why. Scared of everything I guess, more or less. But I'm most scared of having a panic attack in some place where people could see me. It has already happened some times, in school, and that was really terrible. I didn't know what to do, I just left the room, and then the teacher came to ask me what's wrong and I just couldn't breathe, couln't tell, couln't do anything but stand there and shake and try to breathe while my eyes got so watery I couln't see a thing. I hate this. I want to just leave everything and go away forever. I don't need any of the things I've got in my life right now, I could just leave it. Go away. Run away from here and the life I'm living. It's driving me insane, I can't do anything.

The person I loved the most is dead, and the thing I care most about is my rabbit. This is sick, my life is so worthless. I can't even talk to people, because I'm afraid to do so. I'm afraid of what they may think, may say, may do... I can't. My social life is nothing at all, and I get so lonely, but at the same time, I can't stand people

I look at the painkillers at my desk and I want to eat them, but then I remember that the pain is inside of me, in my mind, so they won't do anything. Nothing helps. All the medicines that I use to take, they never really did anything. The only time when the pain was even slightly better was when I cut, and I just don't want to do that now.

I met a therapist for a while, but then she had to quit. She offered me contact with a new therapist but I said no, only becase I don't dare to meet another new person. I'm so scared. I'm falling apart, crying. I have no idea of what to do. I just want to get out of all this, get away from it and never look back.

[texas strawberry]

Originally Posted by Aquall

Today has been a good day but I feel so bad right now anyway. I don't know what's wrong with me. All these thousand thought comes at the same time and I can't stand it. I can't even understand what I'm thinking. I feel like I want to hurt myself, really bad, but at the same time I really don't want to, because last time I did it was in September and I don't want to fall back to that.

I wanna become I new person. I wanna break all the bonds and just leave this life I'm living, but I really cant. There's no chance. I feel like I'm watched, all the time. I want mirrors, A lot of mirrors everywhere so I can see in every direction, but I don't want to se my own reflection. I don't thonk good about myself, I'm too fat, to big, to ugly to ever do anything I'll ever want to do. Noone could ever really love me, but I can't do that either so I guess that just makes it fair. I can't trust people. I just feel like everything in my head is my secret and noone should know. Oh god, what would they think about me?

I'm really scared. I don't really know why. Scared of everything I guess, more or less. But I'm most scared of having a panic attack in some place where people could see me. It has already happened some times, in school, and that was really terrible. I didn't know what to do, I just left the room, and then the teacher came to ask me what's wrong and I just couldn't breathe, couln't tell, couln't do anything but stand there and shake and try to breathe while my eyes got so watery I couln't see a thing. I hate this. I want to just leave everything and go away forever. I don't need any of the things I've got in my life right now, I could just leave it. Go away. Run away from here and the life I'm living. It's driving me insane, I can't do anything.

The person I loved the most is dead, and the thing I care most about is my rabbit. This is sick, my life is so worthless. I can't even talk to people, because I'm afraid to do so. I'm afraid of what they may think, may say, may do... I can't. My social life is nothing at all, and I get so lonely, but at the same time, I can't stand people

I look at the painkillers at my desk and I want to eat them, but then I remember that the pain is inside of me, in my mind, so they won't do anything. Nothing helps. All the medicines that I use to take, they never really did anything. The only time when the pain was even slightly better was when I cut, and I just don't want to do that now.

I met a therapist for a while, but then she had to quit. She offered me contact with a new therapist but I said no, only becase I don't dare to meet another new person. I'm so scared. I'm falling apart, crying. I have no idea of what to do. I just want to get out of all this, get away from it and never look back.

I have been suffering with those same thoughts and feeling for a few years. I feel crazy and self distructive. I can't stand anything about me or my past. I'm in a battle with my mind. I feel like just going away. I'm going to pm you

[henrydavidtherobot]

I am having a very hard time accepting that I am me and no one else and that's okay. I hope we both get to happy, healthy places because we deserve it.

Having an attack in public is scary, but if it happens, just tell the people you are with that your heart is racing, maybe. You could even show them your pulse. When people see you in such a state, it is easier for them to understand and sympathize, so if it does happen, it could end up making you stronger and more understood.

Please try to see a T again. its a scary, but needed step. You can do it. Best of luck!

[Aquall]

But when it happens in public, it happens too fast, out of nowhere, i just can't do anything.. I can barely even run out of the room before it's just too much to handle. People wouldn't understand, they never do. I've been more or less forced to tell my teachers about my attacks, but they just ask if there is anything they can do, anything that could help but there's nothing. They're trying in every way, asking me where it comes from, when it comes and I just have no idea. I can't tell them a damn thing, because I don't know myself. I don't know why I got this problem, I don't know why I can't handle school. I have always been a good student. Always done my homeworks and studied hard in every subject, but now I can't even be in a full lecture sometimes. I just can't do it anymore, and I don't understand what's wrong with me. It's hard for me to choose a place to sit. I hate everything about school now. The studies is most interesting, and I like that part, just the learning, but the classes are like torture to my mind and I can't even think about the lunch-time anymore. I can't eat with other people, that is one of the hardest things. I rather just go away and smoke a cigarette or two in the lunchbreak. That feels better for me.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Stretching really helps me with my limited symptom attacks and helps me avoid having a full blown one. I'm in Europe now and I've been able to prevent the onset of everyone that way. That may be hard to do in class, but maybe you could try stretching your hands on feet so you aren't paying attention to your body? Why are you scared to eat lunch in the lunchroom?

[Aquall]

Alright, I can try stretching, that sounds Okay. I can't eat in the lunch-room because it is a very big school, and that means that very many people eat at the same time, and I can't stand that. And once, a woman that works there talked to me, asked me why I was drinking water and not milk with my meal, and I felt like being yelled at, and that was such a horrible thing.

[InfiniteSadness]

I can relate to how your feeling... Probably some of the reasons I was put on medication. Do u feel sometimes like your gonna have a nervous breakdown? I do..

[Aquall]

Yes I do. And sometimes I just cry for no reason. I think that's the weirdest thing. I got very strong feelings about things that shouldn't matter that much. For example, my grandpa keeps a picture over his bed, and I can't see if it is my dead mother at the picture, or if it is my grandma when she was younger. Both would make sense, and I never have enough courage to ask. That makes me wanna cry everytime I see it.

[kizzylana]

I'm just like you hun.

I know u wonder why life is like this now because u were always fine with doing things previously. No matter what happens, anxiety and panic attacks just come and it's very difficult to stop. The smallest little thing can trigger anxiety even without even realising. Having a fainting episode at work due to stress cause my anxiety and depression to start and it gradually got worse. I couldn't control panic attacks and they'd come on so fast I didn't know until I couldn't breathe. I know it's horrible and people telling u to just push through it is horrible. You need people to understand so they can help u through a panic attack because it's very difficult to do it alone. Someone to talk u through one is best.

I've felt like I just want to end my life because the suffering is over and I will be happy again. But u will never feel better or happier by ending it life, pushing through this and getting better is when you will feel good and u have to be alive for that. u need that sense of achievement and u will do it. I know harming urself is a relief but at least you know you dont want to end up harming urself again, that is a sense of achievement and strength and use that and make it bigger, double that strength for fight other emotions.

I had to leave my job this year and I haven't left the house since feb because of agoraphobia. I've always thought to myself why am I like this now when i loved my job and i was never like this before. Even the smallest things make me panic but it's just our mind. We don't choose this consciously its what our mind does to cope with traumatic things no matter how little, believe it or not. It's horrible I know but u need to see someone, you should try CBT as it teaches u how to retrain your brain and learn how to cope with things and situations better. You don't want to end up not being able to leave the house trust me it's horrendous.

Here if u want to PM I'll talk for as long as you need.

Good luck. Hugs

Kez

[avlady]

Kizzylana, that was a nice post and all so true. Aquall, you should take this advise and do see a therapist, doctor and T. I went through the same exact thing when i was in college, got help and am able to have no anxiety attacks at all now. It does also feel like you are having a nervous breakdown, from my experience. Also Yoga and exercise and breathing techniques help too. I am now still afraid of a lot of things, a bit agoraphobic, which means being afraid to go out of the house, but i know the reasons now which i learned during therapy, and I can deal with it ALOT better.

[kizzylana]

Originally Posted by avlady

Kizzylana, that was a nice post and all so true. Aquall, you should take this advise and do see a therapist, doctor and T. I went through the same exact thing when i was in college, got help and am able to have no anxiety attacks at all now. It does also feel like you are having a nervous breakdown, from my experience. Also Yoga and exercise and breathing techniques help too. I am now still afraid of a lot of things, a bit agoraphobic, which means being afraid to go out of the house, but i know the reasons now which i learned during therapy, and I can deal with it ALOT better.

Thank you. It's a horrible thing to go through but it takes a lot of patience, many ups and downs but people get there. I'm still in the very down stage at the moment. But I know well I hope I will get through it.

Kez