[lenjan]

This is going to sound like it belongs in Health, but trust me, as I've nearly worked my way into a panic attack tonight, it belongs in Anxiety.

I have a hematologist (blood dr.) appt. Tuesday and I'm already on red alert, just waiting for something to turn out to be wrong. It's completely irrational, because I look and feel fine (if you don't count the zillion pounds I've gained from the fricking Risperdal I started in January -- sigh) and logically I know there's nothing wrong. I've been fine for the last 13 months now.

I've been having to screw with my blood thinner level more than usual lately, but I never feel like that's going to kill me. (I mean, I know people who have had issues while ON blood thinners, but I've had 4 clots and never felt like I could die from one, even though it's certainly possible. I don't know why I discount the possibility so much.) I'm just laying in bed having visions of something going wrong and needing more transfusions and $5,000 shots of growth factor and whatever, and I wonder if it will ever end. I mean, I've got myself so worked up on Sunday night that I need a Xanax in advance of Tuesday afternoon!

Having (barely) survived a life-threatening illness, am I doomed to this forevermore, every time I have a hemo appointment? Why am I doing this to myself? Has anybody else out there been through something similar? I can understand freaking out on anniversaries -- and I do -- but this is a garden-variety, every-3-months checkup and I have no problems or symptoms to report. There are those who tell me it's attention-seeking behavior, but believe me, I've had enough attention based on health problems to last me forever. I don't want any more! I want to be a regular, normal person living a regular, normal life. Anybody can figure out why I persist in stupidly freaking myself out, would you let me know?

Candy

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Candy ))))))))))))))

[Soidhonia]

Hello Candy.
I hope things get better for you soon and your appointment is over soon. If you need a Xanax take a Xanax there is nothing wrong with taking a med to help calm you down if it helps and is prescribed as needed. premeditating causes stress and it is okay to help yourself in taking your med to counteract the stress, so hopefully in time the anxiety is lessened by taking the Xanax before a full blown attack, and therefore the Anxieyt is lessened as well. I hope things go well with you Candy at your appointment. Take care soidhonia

[biiv]

((((((((((candy)))))))))))))
good luck with your appointment. remember to just keep rationalising, grounding and breathing is the only thing you can do i guess.
take care of you

[jacq10]

(((((((((((((((Candy)))))))))))))))
I hope that things with your appointment go well ... keep us updated.
Jacq

[WinterRose]

Hi Candybear.
Sounds agonizing! You sure have a lot of things heaping up on you. I just get bad about blood draws just because I hate needles and I just feel it's somehow unnatural to have blood taken out of your body like that. (Don't like the idea of IVs either - nightmare!) The last time I had to do a blood test - I was getting so paniced I took clonazepam and just went right away to get it over with. (I've gotten much better - originally I wouldn't go at all. Then I had to have another person there to talk for me.)

My doctor also gives me methylphenidate for ADD, but it also keeps my mind from running wild. I think that's really helped me too.

Hang in there, Candybear!

I'm sorry you are so worried, Candybear!
I think it will just take some time and work and practice.

I had part of my pancreas and small intestine removed last summer. I spent the 10 months before that very sick, unable to eat (the treatment for pancreatitis) and undergoing many procedures and tests as they were trying to rule out pancreatic cancer. All the while I had to keep working. It was really a hellish year.

I'm recovered now, but yes I do still worry about getting sick again. Not the pain or the money or the procedures... but who will take care of me, as I am alone.

This can worry me anytijme, but in addition, I deal with medical documents on my job and that exposes me to medical information about serious illnesses and can make me think and worry.

When I was undergoing procedures and tests, I tried to keep calm by reminding myself that whatever was there.... was there. It was already there and dong a surgical procedure or test was not going to make it appear because if it was there... it was there. And the only way I could attempt to fight it would be if I was aware of it... so, if it was discovered that there was something there then that would empower me to go after it and fight it.

Tell yourself what's real. What's real is that you won't know anything until you get your test results. What's real is that you are scaring yourself and you don't have to do that. Practice reminding yourself that for right now, this very moment, you are fine.

((( Hugs )))

[Fuzzybear]