[graygray]

I haven't been here in awhile and have never been active. without the huge back story (because I am that frantic to get help) I have developed a fear of letting go. I mean this figuratively in that I can't let anyone go from my life even if they are poisonous. I can't get over death. Also (and this bothers me most in conjunction) I physically can't let go. I forget that I've had to go to the bathroom for hours. I will accidentally pick something up and put it under my arm and same, it will be there for hours. I forget to breathe. I especially forget to swallow. I have a need so great to keep things with me that I have multiple piles of what are now messes in different rooms.

I've always felt that I don't "hear" well. It's almost like I hear too much. I hear so much that I can't listen to anything in particular. But I do well with music on as long as it isn't too loud. It soothes me to sway and spin. I seem to have a keenly literate, open mind but can do nothing with math or logic. To say directions make no sense would be an understatement. I dig holes in my skin with my fingernails. I am so encumbered that I hurt myself accidentally. I infect the wound and it will sometimes stay there for months and leave a scar.

Based on what I know the symptoms seem to point to something auditory. But this seems to be more new age and modern doctors see it as an entire spectrum. Those are the expensive doctors. The ones I can afford have been grandfathered into mental health facilities. They only hear the struggle and don't pay attention to the details, or skip over them because they don't hear them as symptoms. Because they don't know much about the disease. I have used drugs and alcohol to cope in the past so they don't want to give me controlled substances.

I'm on addderall and xanax and have been at this for years. I have received diagnosis along the lines of bipolar and personality disorders but I am treatment resistant to anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, anti-consultants and sleep meds. I am in debt over $16,000 from the past three months. Everything was aggravated when I felt something strange in my breast in November. I had a big panic attack and have been having them ever since. I have always had what I thought were panic attacks, but these feel like heart attacks. Sometimes it will happen in front of the wrong person. Then I get sent to the hospital again this time against my will and sent home with a note that says panic disorder. And they people who've sent me there are frustrated because I am clearly out of my mind. Which I'm not. I just am sometimes. It always seems to come back but I'm afraid one day it won't.

I am destroying every single relationship I have with anyone. Friendships and relationships with my family because my moods are intolerable. I am so hot and cold and loving and vile. Worst of all I am totally independent sometimes and other times I can't do anything for myself.

Anything. Anything will help.

[LonesomeTonight]

So sorry you're feeling this way. First part, probably anxiety, maybe a bit of OCD, fear of abandonment?

For the hearing part, check into Auditory Processing Disorder. Symptoms seem to match. (I've been investigating it for my daughter, but she's too young to be tested.) An audiologist could test for that.

Have you had therapy at all? You could check into low-cost or sliding-scale options.

Hugs!

[graygray]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. That sounds more formal than I meant it I am just emotionally drained. Truly I'd reach out and hug you if I could but then I'd probably cry and I need to try and get some sleep I hope your daughter doesn't struggle. She is very lucky to have you as her mother and I hope you know I am not just saying that.

I have had therapists but never consistent therapy partially because I although I seem to hold on to everything I can't seem to commit to anything. Which makes zero sense. The other very large problem is I live in a very small area. The mental health facility, the public school system, public works, jails...it is basically the same story with all of them. And its one of those stories you don't want to tell because it's so depressing. I imagine we aren't the only small town in America slipping through the cracks. We don't have great resources because we are not terribly profitable. I have been sitting here trying to think of a way to describe our mental healthcare center and I can only think to describe it as criminal. Not only is it the only option for someone in a dire financial situation, it's almost the only option and certainly the first place that is suggested. One of the main problems in my mind is that it's lumped together as "mental health, intellectual disability, and substance abuse services." That means people are sent there as a means of punishment, people are there with schizophrenia, addictions, eating disorders, family issues..but everyone goes in the same slot. They absolutely would not treat me with a controlled substance because I admitted having a history of self medicating. They are used to treating addicts more often than not. I understand their responsibility but no one would listen to me at all. I didn't and don't want any substances as all, but I need them until someone can come up with something else. These doctors are grandfathered in. They wouldn't know an auditory symptom if it smacked them in their faces. They occasionally get a new therapist. But you get the same meds doc. The lady who stared down her nose at me and told me if I'm worried about becoming overweight I should probably stop stuffing my face with the candy on her desk. That is not a funny joke to make to someone who feels desperate and has come to you for help. She would send me off with a prescription to Buspar or something and when we'd exhausted tons of different options she just asked me where I would like to go from there. She thought I wasn't getting better because I wasn't trying. That wasn't it. I don't have it in me to try some days. I should move, I've tried. It's hard to take on big life changes and this place sucks people in.

It's so late and I'm not sure I'm making sense. And I'm venting to a basic stranger but you were so nice and so few people are. I wasn't sure I was clear in my initial post but you seem very aware of these struggles and that in and of itself gives me a lot of hope. I wish you didn't and/or hope you don't know about them on a personal level. And if you seem to find yourself in a particularly rough patch I hope you'll think of how you made my day today just by being selfless.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

So sorry you're feeling this way. First part, probably anxiety, maybe a bit of OCD, fear of abandonment?

For the hearing part, check into Auditory Processing Disorder. Symptoms seem to match. (I've been investigating it for my daughter, but she's too young to be tested.) An audiologist could test for that.

Have you had therapy at all? You could check into low-cost or sliding-scale options.

Hugs!

[TCFlecke]

Hey GrayGray,
Just want to let you know, your symptoms are normal. Definitely sounds like GAD and a pinch of PD and a squirt of OCD. Nothing to worry about, bud. So many people go through what you're going through and i'm one of them. I once had a constant fear of death. To this day I still believe that it was the last straw that began my first panic attack. Eventually you will get over it, no strings attached. I promise. And your fear of letting go, totally understandable! I used to keep empty bottles and other inatimate objects because I though they would feel bad and I would feel guilty for the rest of the day if I threw them out, no joke! One step that I would recommend would to see a therapist and start CBT, and if that doesn't work, go to a psychiatrist and get your hands on some SSRIs. Remember, people are out there to help. Hugs!

[LonesomeTonight]

Thanks for your kind words! Glad I could be helpful.

That sounds awful about the mental health facility near you. Is there anything within reasonable driving distance that you could go to instead? Especially if you could find a psychiatrist to prescribe you something helpful, since you wouldn't need to go there as often. You're right that moving might be the best option. Especially if you could get near a bigger city or suburb that would give you more options. Or do you have a general practitioner that would be willing to prescribe something for you to get you through this period? I guess I'm lucky in that I'm in an area with lots of good mental health care options (and have insurance that gives me good coverage thanks to my husband's job).

Unfortunately, I am going through a bit of a rough patch right now. I'm thankful that I have a good individual therapist, marriage counselor, and psychiatrist (all in the same office, too) to help me through it. I've gotten through rough patches before though, so I'm sure I can get through this one.

You sound like a strong, smart person, so I think you can find a way to get through yours too. Hang in there.

Originally Posted by graygray

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. That sounds more formal than I meant it I am just emotionally drained. Truly I'd reach out and hug you if I could but then I'd probably cry and I need to try and get some sleep I hope your daughter doesn't struggle. She is very lucky to have you as her mother and I hope you know I am not just saying that.

I have had therapists but never consistent therapy partially because I although I seem to hold on to everything I can't seem to commit to anything. Which makes zero sense. The other very large problem is I live in a very small area. The mental health facility, the public school system, public works, jails...it is basically the same story with all of them. And its one of those stories you don't want to tell because it's so depressing. I imagine we aren't the only small town in America slipping through the cracks. We don't have great resources because we are not terribly profitable. I have been sitting here trying to think of a way to describe our mental healthcare center and I can only think to describe it as criminal. Not only is it the only option for someone in a dire financial situation, it's almost the only option and certainly the first place that is suggested. One of the main problems in my mind is that it's lumped together as "mental health, intellectual disability, and substance abuse services." That means people are sent there as a means of punishment, people are there with schizophrenia, addictions, eating disorders, family issues..but everyone goes in the same slot. They absolutely would not treat me with a controlled substance because I admitted having a history of self medicating. They are used to treating addicts more often than not. I understand their responsibility but no one would listen to me at all. I didn't and don't want any substances as all, but I need them until someone can come up with something else. These doctors are grandfathered in. They wouldn't know an auditory symptom if it smacked them in their faces. They occasionally get a new therapist. But you get the same meds doc. The lady who stared down her nose at me and told me if I'm worried about becoming overweight I should probably stop stuffing my face with the candy on her desk. That is not a funny joke to make to someone who feels desperate and has come to you for help. She would send me off with a prescription to Buspar or something and when we'd exhausted tons of different options she just asked me where I would like to go from there. She thought I wasn't getting better because I wasn't trying. That wasn't it. I don't have it in me to try some days. I should move, I've tried. It's hard to take on big life changes and this place sucks people in.

It's so late and I'm not sure I'm making sense. And I'm venting to a basic stranger but you were so nice and so few people are. I wasn't sure I was clear in my initial post but you seem very aware of these struggles and that in and of itself gives me a lot of hope. I wish you didn't and/or hope you don't know about them on a personal level. And if you seem to find yourself in a particularly rough patch I hope you'll think of how you made my day today just by being selfless.

[CosmicRose]

You cannot grab onto anything in life, it's impossible, everything comes and goes. Everything. There is nothing to hold onto. There is actually a sense of peace in this. You would benefit greatly from meditation techniques and even Buddhist teachings if you're open to such concepts.

Satsang videos on youtube...people to listen to about this type of thing are - Moojiji, Gangaji, Byron Katie, Adyashanti, Ram Dass, Terence Mckenna, Benjamin Smythe, Darryl Anka, Ralph Smart, and Pema Chodron.

Life is a wave, we can surf it but we can't hold on. The art of letting go. Material fades away but consciousness remains.