Why am I still having so many problems connecting with others despite trying to?

I don't know if anyone will remember the stuff that I posted on here, but to make a long story short, I used to have severe social anxiety and panic attacks from the age of 20-my early 30's. Thanks to helping myself mostly and meds, I'm a lot better than I used to be! I still get panicky at times in some social situations, especially in groups and at parties, which I now avoid.

Anyways, I've forced myself to go to more meetup groups recently. I have tried to talk to people, and some people will talk to me, but most people ignore me. I almost always have to make the first move which I HATE! Even when I do, most people will go back to talking to other people and end up ignoring me after awhile.

What is baffling is why most people will say hi to everyone else but me! Even when I look at them and smile, they don't even try to look at me. WTH? How rude! I don't look weird or intimidating, so I don't get why people would be like that with me. They don't seem shy or anxious, so this makes NO sense to me at all!

This makes me feel bad, and frankly, a little angry that most people won't even give me a chance to try to get to know me at all! Does anything about me sound off? Maybe they can sense my shyness and nervousness and are put off by it, even though I think that I'm doing an OK job of hiding it?

Last night I went to a movie meetup group and one lady there has seen me many times before, and I've tried talking to her. She's in her 60's. I'm in my 40's. Well, I walked past the table to where her and a few new members were sitting and she didn't even say hi to me! I then stood there like an idiot for a minute or so before anyone even acknowledged me! I finally asked one woman there if this was the right group even though I knew that it was to break the ice.

So then I sat down there and sat there while they didn't say anything other than a chair was available at the table after one lady left right away w/o saying hi to me or waiting for me to say hi to her. So I sat in her place. After I introduced myself, they were polite enough, but no one tried to talk to me. They listened to that older woman go on and on about work and herself. I'm sure that all four people saw me standing there, but they said NOTHING until I spoke up.

Why would they react that way towards me? Also, the group organizer walked right by me and said nothing. I have said nothing to her in the past, but she did say hi to the other people in the group and waved to other people. One lady in our movie group that I invited to see a movie with one on one after a few moths from this movie group did mention not liking her that much as the organizer as she's not that friendly. She is fairly well liked in the group although she has admitted to being shy too. She doesn't act shy though. She's nice, and so far, she is the only person that I've kind of clicked with in the group in awhile. We like a lot of the same movies which is great! She has yet to invite me out anywhere though. She has been fishing with this other lady, and she's closer to her it seems like. They're both single, so they have both been to singles events together, so I guess that's part of the reason for that.

The organizer did mention that she used to have issues with talking to people in the past, but it doesn't seem like she does now. We have another organizer who is friendlier, but even he doesn't always say hi to me. He's friendlier with the other people. I normally don't go to dinner or hang out with them after the movies, so perhaps they think that I'm unfriendly?

I have talked to a few people in the group, but no one seems that friendly. A few of them apparently hang out together outside the group, but so far, no one has invited me anywhere! So far I've only hung out with that one lady from the group once and she seems nice. I've also met two other women at the same group awhile back, but they no longer hang out in that group. I have only kept in contact with one nice Asian lady from the group. As for the other one, she hurt me badly a few months ago, so to hell with her.

I have always had to initiate contact with her after awhile. I feel as if I'm unlikable and I don't know what I'm doing wrong! I know that not everyone will like me, but come on now, just about everyone is acting like they don't want to talk to me for whatever reason, and this hurts me as I'm a nice person who IS trying to put myself out there! Ugh! This makes me want to give up on most people!

For the record, I'm still shy and socially anxious at times, especially in groups. Could that be off putting for whatever reason to other people? I do ask people appropriate questions, but for some reason, most people have a lot more interest in talking to everyone else but me which hurts my feelings.

Most of them usually go out to eat and drink before the movie to the same crappy restaurant most of the time, so perhaps they view me as a stranger who they don't feel comfortable around despite me trying to be nice to them? Idk.

Hi Shy Introvert. I understand, it happens often also to me not to feel comfortable in groups. And it happens also to me (expecially it happened when I used to go to parties with many people...now I practically stopped) that I think to behave 'normally', but people don't seem interested in interacting with me. My idea is, like you said, that maybe our discomfort is visible though we try to hide it, and this doesn't encourage people to talk to us. I don't know. In this case, maybe you just need time to feel more comfortable in that group, and then you'll become to appear more natural and things will change.
At least you kept in contact with one lady. You could try to know better other people through her.
Hope that you feel more comfortable soon. I know that it's not pleasant to have to struggle to find something to say when everyone else seem to be having fun

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Hi, thanks for responding to my novel, lol. Sorry to hear that happens to you too! I don't get why other people wouldn't at least try to be friendly back after they can clearly see that we are trying to make conversation and say hi. I don't get it.

Wouldn't a nice person TRY to make others more comfortable and not reject them for trying to talk to them? I always talk to people who talk to me. I wish that more people would approach me. This is so hard! Yeah, at least I was able to connect with one lady from the group. I might ask her what she thinks of the people in the group so that I can tell if it's just me or not.

Maybe most of the people in the group know each other better since they usually have dinner together at the same place most of the time and then they talk about the movie after that most of the time. The fact that I arrive when they're getting the check and that I usually leave soon after the movie gave them a bad impression, idk.

Does anyone else have any other opinions on this? Maybe they're just rude and not that friendly?

The energy needed to force my way into this clique would be too much for me.

Do you use sites like meetup.com to find people who are interested in the same things as you?

It doesnt sound like anything against you personally to me. I think its more that you are getting there "late" and leaving early, so maybe they think your priority is the movie and not so much the socializing? Plus you sound very outgoing - maybe more outgoing than the average attendee. So am i. I think its more important - more fun, more challenging, more rewarding - to find out who i like in a group, rather than worry about who might like me.

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It is almost to much for me actually! My social life kind of sucks now and is mostly limited to online friends. One of them is a real life friend, but I can't see him now since he's caring for his dad who has dementia.

Also, my so called bff has been avoiding and ignoring me most of the time and being selfish, so I got mad at her and told her how I felt today. Hopefully she won't resort to ignoring me even more.

As for that group, it is a meetup group. I'm having a tough time connecting with most people from most of these meetups. Most of them seem to be a bit cliquey and not that friendly usually. I have to put myself out there as NO ONE approaches me in real life anymore, ugh! This sucks for a shy person like me!

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You're probably right about that. I'm not outgoing at all! I just try to force myself to talk to people. I'm actually shy, introverted, and I suffer from social anxiety and the occasional panic attack (it's very rare and very mild these days, thank god!)

Making new friends seems to be really hard for people with social anxiety to do! It's almost as if other people can sense that there is something off with me, and that repels them. Idk.

Hello shy introvert , I sometimes have the same problems as you , I find starting in a group where each of he group is a new starter ( say a college course) a little less daunting , I feel when joining a existing group that I'm the odd one out or am interloping, but sometimes other people with social anxiety that are in a set group maybe settled into friendships , and may only seem offish because you are new , just go for a short while and I always try and get the other person talking , show and interest in them, ask them did they find it hard joining the group. I can sometimes over compensate social anxiety by talking to much and doing to much superficial (though not intentional) chatting , at checkouts , shop staff, though this can help in little ways

Bye berthegel

Hi Shy Introvert I can relate to pretty much everything you say in this post. I've had similar experiences with meetup groups. At one meetup with a group of moms and their kids at a roller rink i hovered by the group for a while but no one acknowledged me at all and i didn't even make the effort to introduce myself, i just decided to skate with my 2 year old for a while and then we left, never having connected with the group. my whole life has felt like a botched social experiment. i can still hear my mom's voice in my head telling me to call so and so to invite them over and not wanting to do it. and i've always been the initiator. it seems so much easier getting to know people online but i know it's not the same.

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Hi, that's true, maybe most of those people have already settled into their own little groups. I'm not a newcomer to the group. I've always been an outsider in the group. Some people will talk to me if I talk to them first, but they tend to talk more to other people, ugh!

To make matters worse, I hung out with this lady that I thought was nice and friendly a couple of times, but she has yet to return my text from last night! WTH? Even if she's busy now, she could've at least had the decency to say sorry, but I'm busy now or something like that?

How rude! I won't sit next to her at the next meetup unless she asks me to. I feel like such a loser and an outcast. I try to be social, and I still get rejected. Maybe I might stop going to that group and end up going to the movies during the day by myself instead as it seems as if no one really likes me in that group-

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Hi, sorry to hear about your experience with that meetup- Those other moms were rude! I doubt that they were all shy or anxious! I know how you feel. It almost always seems like I have to be the one to initiate plans with just about everyone!

Now I feel worse than ever as one lady that I hung out with one on one who seemed to be nice and friendly ignored my text from yesterday. WTH? How rude! If she's busy, then she should've just told me that she can't go to the movies then. I won't sit next to her next time unless she asks me to.

I might just drop out of the group as no one really seems to make an effort to say hi to me or talk to me most of the time! This sucks! I feel like such a loser. I try to be nice and friendly, so I don't get why I'm constantly getting rejected most of the time! In the three or four years that I've been going to meetup groups, I've only been able to make three friends, and now I only have one real friend from going to all those groups, ugh!

Thats probably not a bad result. I have a friend who does meetups, and its just an extra social thing she does. It hasnt changed her life or anything. Maybe you need to find something that really excites you or moves you. Like a sport or a charity or a hobby? Idk.

I do other things. But I do get lonely at times. It's no fun and quite depressing when almost no one seems to care about you enough to call you just to see how you're doing. I"m OK with going out by myself usually, but not all the damn time. I don't get how selfish horrible people can have so many friends, while I struggle to make friends most of the time!

I don't get what I'm doing wrong! I don't think that I'm weird or that I say or do anything inappropriate most of the time, so I'd think that I'd have more friends by now. Sometimes I feel like giving up on even trying to meet anyone anymore. This constant rejection is eating away at my self esteem.

I understand you...
Since starting university I've been lucky and I've found good friends, so now it goes better for me...hope that something similar happens to you.
However, sometimes it happens me also now to feel 'excluded' among them, though I know that they are my friends. So, probably it's also my own self-esteem problem.

I don't do so well in group situations, either. I can talk to people one-on-one, but in a group setting, forget it. Doesn't necessarily matter how well I know the other people in the group either.

Maybe you other introverts out there can identify with this, but I think sometimes that most people are really just crappy at communicating. I don't think it really occurs to extroverts that there's nothing wrong with us introverts; we're not quiet because we are standoffish or because we have nothing to contribute. I find that a lot of people like to just talk about nothing, or that they like to interrupt each other. I worked in an office like that, and I felt really uncomfortable. I was probably the only person in that office that didn't play golf, and guess what they talked about all the time? And, when I found a way to actually say something, they looked at me as if to say, "It speaks!" Well, yeah, I do, when there is a subject that I am interested in or actually know something about. I know it is just the way that I am wired, but I wonder sometimes if extroverts realize that they alienate us introverts with some of their behaviors?

I agree, sometimes other people don't help. But unfortunately we can't change how they behave, I think. We can just try to participate to the discussion when we can, and not to feel too down if for some reasons it doesn't work.

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I'm glad to hear that- I recently met a nice lady that I click with from one of my meetup groups. Her and I are both shy and introverted. We also have similar tastes- I suck in group situations. Being in groups will always be uncomfortable for me, ugh! Thank goodness that she offered to introduce me to other people in the group that she's now taking over sometimes!

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I'm pretty much the same way! I literally can't handle talking to more than two people at once! Being in groups will always be intimidating and awkward for me! I'd avoid being around groups 100% if only I could! That's not always possible though of course!

I can relate to what you said! I often feel as if I don't have much in common with whatever the group is talking about at the moment. Even if I did have something to say, there is always that one person who monopolizes the conversation.

I dislike having to compete for attention, so I don't. I hate it when other people interrupt me too. Or sometimes I say something and it seems like no one has heard what I said. They act as if they didn't hear me at all which is frustrating, rude, and embarrassing, ugh!

I'm happy that you met her Usually it's easier to get along with other introverted people.

Thanks! Me too! Yeah, it is easier for me to relate to and get along with other introverted people!

Hey I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner been a crazy week really a crazy month I am sorry that this happens to you I am sorry you go through this.

I don't understand how this happens to you I know for a fact your a nice friendly person and I always enjoy talking to you you have been a great friend and have helped me through some tough times.

I actually have the same problem no one hardly ever talks to me especially when I am in public around people I have seen people ignore me for no reason I often feel invisible or like no one cares about me or I don't matter to people I seem to be easily cast aside by people and it is always painful for me I know what your going through I don't have much advice because honestly I go through same thing and I wish I knew how to get people to like me more orwant to be friends with me

I think it will get better for you I know how great of a person you are don't worry you will make friends in your group soon

Hi, thanks for your concern. I wish that I knew why this stuff keeps on happening to me to. I can't possibly be making friends with all the wrong people all the time! Sometimes I think that there is something wrong with me that other people pick up on. Thanks for your kind words! I'm glad that I was able to help you out when you needed help. Thanks for being there for me too-

I tend to feel the same way that you do at times. It does seem as if there are a lot of users and fake people out there who don't really care about anyone that they can't get something from. I have made one new friend as I told you. I hope that we can become good friends over time.