[Gabby2007]

Tonight is a Volunteer Appreciation dinner and we all want to go as a family. Trouble is, there will be another wife there whom hurt me badly last summer...she isn't safe.

It's really sad our husband's are close friends, not sad about their friendship, but sad we wives can't make peace.

She didn't show up for my son's graduation...even though just days before she said they were coming and she knew we were paying for their dinner plates. There, that is her initial 'offense'. I told her I was hurt and she blew me off and told me I shouldn't feel that way. We don't have any in town family since my DH's youngest brother died of cancer, and I told her I wanted her there FOR ME, she's MY friend. So I got angry and didn't want to take the roadtrip with her we did sometimes.

She was so upset she turned the whole thing over to her husband - who wrote me a two page letter with TEN POINTS in bold lettering. ugh ugh ugh. he hasn't appologized either.

I don't want to NOT go, as then I'm isolating and letting her control me. But I don't want to sit at their table either.

ugh I sure can obsess with negative events.

[Soidhonia]

Hello Gabby. I am sorry you are struggling to make this decision. I hope that you decide to go to the dinner since obviously you deserve to go through your voluntary efforts. If you go to the dinner just sit elsewhere other than the table with your friend, if it makes you uncomfortable. I hope everything goes well for you at the dinner, I would hate to see you having regrets in not going to the dinner that you deserve to attend. Take care of yourself (((GABBY))). Soidhonia

[Gabby2007]

I should have explained, it's my husband who has volunteered! (youth group of our eldest son)...this was his third and final year. But he'd really like me to go with him, and he's a good guy, but sad I limit myself so much.

I like the sit separate idea, I'll see if I can do that.

[InACorner]

Gabby, sweetheart, i hope you know how much i admire and respect you...so please if you do read this in time take what i have into consideration and dont think this is a strike at you in any way....

First of all, you are there for YOUR husband...not her. She is not your husband...nor your best friend in elementary school. I know it hurts when friends make us feel bad or let us down but remember..this isnt the playground. Your a strong talented individual...who is bright witty and smart and beautiful on the inside and outside. Take this as a grain of salt dear. She is one friend. You can get plenty of others. And just remember ....as my messed up mother always said...kill them with kindness. Be nice to her....dont suck up to her...but nod your head and say hello nice to see you...and be done with it....when it comes time to make conversation talk to your husband...ask how things are going with them...show them that your the adult and refuse to act like a child...or play childish games...i feel so strongly about this because my mother did the same thing with her neighbors...and they played mind games with each other and i (at 17/18 years old) watched them and kept repeating to my mother as she was raging said the same things im saying to you. Your husband is your best friend...and treat him that way....be there for him because he wants you there show that your proud of him...and dont sit seperate ...dont give them that satisfaction that they have you looking to see if you could switch tables....girlfriend you can handle one easy night at their table..and if they say something rude or whatever dont acknowledge them at all....you have that power..and when they see that you wont play their little games to add drama to their lives then they will stop.....good luck and i hope you read this in time....let us know how it goes and my heart is with you.
love, inny

[Direction]

Hope all goes well - Inny great advice - hopfully it reached you before you went...

[Gabby2007]

Inny,
ohhhhhh! wow ~ wow ~ wow! I left just before this came through, and I wish I had read it, and I need to print this post off because it's so important! thank you!

Bottom line, she wasn't there. But I have to say truthfully it felt like she was, I gave my power away and felt 'childish' all evening...numb the whole evening, certainly not my adult self.

I met this woman when our boys went into kindergarten. Our boys are close, they don't get to hang out alot, but they are close. We even took that boy with us to the cabin last Memorial Day...he's alot like his Mom emotionally.

I need to process what it is about this woman that gets to me. I loved your 'playground' idea...pictures work best with me and that was very helpful.

But in one area (and please don't be offended, you wouldn't really know this about me), for a very long time, I had three women friends ~ that's actually what I thought ~ and then all in a matter of two month period a year ago #1 moved out of town, #2 attempted to harm herself and has been in hospital for a year now #3 was this one who simply isn't there and isn't safe]]]]. What's really crazy about this whole thing is how easily I called this gal my friend although all along I knew what I called a friendship wasn't really that at all...redefining her to be 'my son's friend's mom'. period.

Last year about the same time that I lost these three, I started attending an abuse support group - OMG - these new women are real, and safe, and there is the old saying 'you find out who your friends are' is true! [most of those things you hear from your Mom I didn't get to ]

Anyway, Inny, thanks for your support!

hi Direction!

[Perna]

Gabby, glad you at least got through the meeting and now see a few things clearer. I would look and see that you at least came but she wasn't "able" to so probably has even more issues than you do with the whole thing? Having her husband write the letter (and both of them, claiming to be friends but not trying to talk to either you or your husband?) was pretty "unfriendly" too. It sounds like activities with her are getting fewer and farther between though with your sons growing up, etc. so, hopefully, the problem will resolve itself on its own. Looks too like you've got a good potention for real friends in your new group. Congratulations on making it through last night!

[Gabby2007]

Perna,
yeah I thought about that too. I have discovered several things, one being all the 'no talk' rules she/they have. I'm aware at some level that most of the people who most bug me are the most like me. ugh.

Maybe this is my OCD, but I do try to find a lesson in life to do better - my goal out of this relationship is to pay attention to my gut...pay attention to the red flags I saw a long time ago ~ I think I invested far more than she did, who knows, maybe she feels just as badly. A couple years ago her dad died and I went to his funeral. That Fall, we invited them up to FIL's cabin. She kept 'disappearing' that weekend, and cause it was her birthday, I surprised her with cinnamon rolls for breakfast, when she came downstairs and saw the candles she turned right around and walked back upstairs. She wouldn't open the gift I brought either. I had heard she liked surprises, so I felt rebuffed.

I also don't want to give her any more 'free rent in my head'