How were you parented?

Friends,

Like most of you I try to improve my life by trying to make changes which will increase my ability to better manage my life challenges. I think we all feel like we move ahead, and then something happens, and we may move backwards again, hopefully not as far back.

Anyway today I was thinking about the source of my anxiety, and my mind went to my mother. She was a wonderful and strong woman in many ways, but she always seemed to have an underlying, or not so underlying anxiousness about her.

She was also a black and white thinker, and created great fear in me about making decisions, b/c it seemed to me based on other things she said, if I were to make the wrong decision, it would have some dire consequence. Grrrrr....

Then I thought maybe some of you see a relationship between how you were parented and the anxiety you experience in your everyday lives.

Will you let me know?

Thanks,

EJ

My stepmother was very very controlling and I didn't see that as anxiety until my T pointed it out. Trying to control other people and situations and getting angry when things aren't done the way you want is a sign of anxiety, just a different way of coping with it than I had/have. Being parented in that way though "taught" me that way of being (but also taught me how to cook, a good thing :-)

I was born anxious :-) and my life circumstances weren't great at helping me feel secure. My stepmother did make me feel secure around her because of her black and white thinking and actions; I felt a little sorry for those around her with whom she was disagreeing though :-) I still remember wanting her when I got in trouble at camp for something that wasn't my fault, was the camp counselor's (and another adult was literally yelling at me for it) but since I was a kid I couldn't defend myself and my stepmother was not able to be there so I could only imagine what she would have done/said to the camp counselor/adults :-) to comfort myself. However, the downside of feeling secure in other's protection is, when you grow up you have learned their bad habits or haven't learned to be assertive yourself, etc.

My mother is very narcissistic and controlling, selfish to the core and was abusive emotionally and on a couple of occasions sexually.
My dad was and is cold, though I know he loves me, just cant show it, he was aggressive and angry a lot.

It has made me anxious, self conscious, feeling unworthy of love, distrusting and many other negative traits.

I am learning now however, that it is their problem, I did nothing wrong, I am very very slowly begining to find myself, be a bit more assertive and less guilty about everything. Slow process, but feel a big change this week out of nowhere but hey, we cannot change what our parents have done, we just have to make a better job of it ourselves and realise we are as good as the next person.....

wow, was that me talking?

sorry if I went on a bit hehe

jin xxx

ahhhhhhhhhhhh... my mom...

she was a person of severe uncontrollable anxiety...

she had so many true phobias.. I couldn't count..

she had meltdowns.. every day..

she was the child, I was the parent..

every waking moment for her was full of fear... so she transplanted that fear into me.. but I was too stuborn to allow it to stop me..

she used extreme quielt... to get what she wanted...

if she was born in this day.. in this time.. there would have been help for her..resources to help her.

my mom..

Hey i had to focus on the source of my anxiety today in T also - though, mine didn't go (at this time) to my parents - it went to my abusive boyfriend. That was a fun session. But it made me see that this anxiety may not be forever if I can get to the sourse of it and get rid of it. THat was a light in the tunnel.
kiya

OK now i have time to look at my parents.... my dad was narsisic (can't spell it), BPD, very controlling, abusive verbally, finantially, emotionally, and sexually.

My mom's just a mess. Possible DID, BPD traits, never really knows her 'reality'.

Reality was always changing in our house - with both parents. I'm dealing with the usual; depression, general anxiety, DID/MPD, a few phobias.... I guess it is no surprise that I really never trust people and am always looking for the bottom to drop out.
Kiya

> I thought maybe some of you see a relationship between how you were parented and the anxiety you experience in your everyday lives.

Of course. I've always known that. From the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" mine was primarily the Witch. Here's something that my brother recently wrote to me that was characteristic of our life:

"One scene that will forever live in my memory was at dinnertime in the .... Avenue house in ..., when she dispensed a lengthy diatribe about everything she considered wrong with me (or so it seemed). In total frustration and in tears, I finally shouted "You just shut up!", upon which she got up and literally slapped me to the floor."

Now I understand a lot more about "borderlines" and all the rest of it, but unfortunately it still feels most of the time as though I am back there in childhood. It did not make for trust. And most of my childhood seems lost in the mists.

Wow, Kiya, you are a true survivor!

EJ

Freewill,

Your following statement was a WOW for me.

"so she transplanted that fear into me.. but I was too stuborn to allow it to stop me.."

Yes, my mother tried to make me fearful too.

I have looked at issues with my mother at many points in my life, and I find it hard to believe at age 60, I'm still cleaning out my box, and looking at some things which are really embedded and painful to look at. Sigh...

EJ

Pachyderm and Friends,

My mother seemed to intrude into my space and emotions too much of the time. Would that make here a borderline mother?

Pachy, I'm so sorry about your childhood experiences, with a mother who had such poor parenting skills. She makes Britney Spears sound like a good mother.

I'm passing you a virtual Oreo cookie, if you think that will help.

Hugs,

EJ

I think one thing that characterizes borderline people is unstable moods that can shift very quickly. I think they are near a border or precipice in some internal emotional system. Of course I have inherited some of the same ways of responding, maybe partly genetically and partly as a result of being in a "war zone" and feeling the need to react quickly when young.

I like Oreos!

Pachy,

Let me know how many Oreos you want, and I will pass them to you through the screen.

Hugs,

EJ

> Let me know how many Oreos you want, and I will pass them to you through the screen.



One package should be enough!

eh - things just come and go - but life , unfortunately, looks like it's here to stay, so i might as well make the best of it.

EJ, my mother was strong and critical and controlling, volatile, intrusive, etc. My father was passive but had explosive episodes

A good book about borderline mothers you might want to read to see if it fits: Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson. I picked it up on a trip to the bookstore for something else; when I opened the book it opened to a section about the Queen mother and my mother was quite the Queen Bee so I had to get it and read it.

oh what a thread! EJ mine is pretty simple really. my mom was not a nice person. not to me anyway. I had it pretty rough but not sure it caused me anxiety later in life. I really feel my mom had some unknown at the time mental illness. if she could not control any given situation she would blow her stack. she tried suicide a few times and always blamed me. even when I wasn't around. mostly I felt unloved by her. My dad was and is a very wonderful loving dad.

Both of my parents were alcoholics, so I was the mom.

I do believe they did the best they could. They were both very sad which I believe is why they drank. Of course, they also suffered from the disease of addiction, which we now know is the the "gift that keeps on giving." There is addiction in every generation of my family. Sucks.

I do believe that never knowing what to expect at any given time did contribute to the anxiety I later suffered.

Good question, EJ!
Okie

<font color="purple"> I don't think my parents were really a cause of my anxiety problems, I think it's just a part of my nature. (and I have a home video of me was a 3 year old telling my older brother to get of the porch railings because "you're gonna hurt yourself" to prove it ) they pretty much taught me the basics like "Gee, sticking a fork in the outlet is NOT a good idea" then, they were kinda blown out of proportion from there.</font>

My mother was a manic depressive who had children too young in my opinion. I believe she was jealous of the attention my father showed me. She openly admitted to favoring my younger brother. She had a breakdown when I was 13ish and committed for 2 months. Things got better for a while, but even as an adult she seemed to want to make my life difficult.

My father was an alcoholic, and he was an abusive drunk. He mistook fear for respect. He quit drinking about 6 months before my mother's breakdown, but then he was just angry all of the time. He would flare about the smallest things. Actually he would have a bad day at work, keep an even temper there and then all hell would break loose at home. About a year before he quit drinking he smashed me in the face with a stonewear coffee cup for a reason that I do not recall. Then was furious because I was standing there bleeding (we learned not to leave until dismissed).

I was feeling sorry for myself and mumbling to myself in the bathroom. I said that I would kill him if he ever hit me again. He overheard this, and rather than beat the hell out of me, he called me down and asked me to repeat what I said. I did. He asked how I planned to go about doing this and I told him there is a loaded gun in the desk, and the next time he hits me I would use it to shoot him.

I don't know if this is what woke him up to the reality that was our life. But he did not hit any of us for a long time after that.

I know this affects my life today, instead of becoming an abuser, I worked very hard to control my temper (which would match his) and I never punished my children in anger. My husband, bless him has had to put up with a lot of emotional baggage. He's accepted the fact that I am the only one I trust to discipline the kids. He is supportive and understanding most of the time, and for that I am grateful.

I was molested by my father's best friend and they did not see the signs of my fear. When we were to spend the night at their house, I would not sleep (maybe the source of my sleep problem now?) and wait for them to come home and go to bed. I would then wake my brother up and haul him across town at 2:30 in the morning. The babysitter asked me why I did this, I told her. She in turn told my parents who did not believe me. I had to appologize to the man in question and swear never to repeat the story again. The positive side to that was I never had to spend the night there again. The man in question was caught molesting my cousin 5 years later.

I think my depression and anxiety are genetic, my temper and paranoia as well. I've worked very hard to control the things I can.

I KNOW my parents loved me, they were dealing with their own childhood issues. My father helped break the abuse cycle (at least the stuff caused by alcohol) by going into detox. When my father died, my mother realized that her favorite child (her words not mine) lived on the other coast and was not to be of any help. We're now close in a manner of speaking. She's gone out of her way to make up for the things of my youth, but it's still ackward.

All in all I think that's its made me a better parent. I am able to withstand conflict on the outside. A co-worker once asked me how I could stand our boss in my face screaming at me. I told him compared to my father, strictly minor league, and my boss can't hit me. Later my insides collapse.

Can i answer this question with "crappily"?

*wry smile*

mom is a control freak, dad doesnt care.
i spend most of my life at the moment and for most of my kiddie hood in my room, on my own.
i dont mind being ignored.
my childhood has been so far much better than most
and i guess that is why i am motivated to try to repair the damage that other peoples childhood has caused.
im failing miserably,,,, but at least im trying.

I LOVE OREOS!! they dont sell em here anymore,,, boo

I'll bet you can get Oreos via Amazon or someplace. Shipping might cost a bundle, though.

Mom was young and careless, a junkie, and never loving. Dad wasn't around. Basically that sums it up as we were children, but they are both a little different/better now.

Alcoholic mother and father.

Father died when I was ten, her drinking got worse. She removed herself emotionally and physically from the house.

I was pretty much raised at that point by a house full of junkies, two of which were my brothers, who are both dead now because of heroin. My house was a drug dealer's hang out. (which comes with its own set of problems) Sometimes I was left in charge of the "stash." At eleven that was terrifying. At twelve it meant freebies.

Although I wasn't officially diagnosed with PTSD as a child, (mother was told I was a "nervous child") I look back and shake my head. I clearly see the signs as far back as nine years old. Ahhh. That is what was/is wrong with me.

The problem I am finding now is that because my body has been in a PTSD stance, ready and waiting for danger or death for so long, I cannot let go of the tension. No matter what.

I wasn't parented, I was hatched.

I like to compare my stepsister's life and mine. She is 13 years older than I am and was an only child (my sister is an only child :-) She was the only grandchild until she was 13 and "our" cousin was born (her cousin, my stepcousin who is 6 months younger than I am). Anyway, she was almost spoiled she was so special had a wonderful time being the only child around. But when she was 16-17, her father died. I'm sure that was very hard for her but my stepmother married my father (a really good guy :-) a year later and my father gave her away at her wedding, etc. and my stepsister loved how well my father "took care of" my stepmother. My father, with my stepmother's three brothers' blessing managed and invested the estate of their mother when their father died and that worked out well down through my stepmother's death in 2001, where my stepsister inherited a lot that was left from her grandmother's estate because of my father's good investing. However, my stepsister married right out of college and my brother-in-law, after a few years got more and more abusive and "ugly". It got really bad but he died after 35 years or so. My stepsister married another college "sweetheart" and she's having a wonderful life again now.

So, my stepsister started out life "right" and then had a bad spell when she married and now is fine again. I, on the other hand, didn't have the "good" childhood and my stepmother and I were not a good match so it wasn't until I met my husband that things started going right. My stepsister and I had the approximate "opposite" lives until recently when she remarried and now we're both living happily ever after :-)