OCD Back After 12 Years

My OCD symptoms have been under control for 12 years and I thought OCD was a thing of my past until an event yesterday triggered it all over again. My OCD manifests itself in an unshakeable fear that I have contracted AIDS and will bring shame to my family. Worse, I fear that I will infect my husband or other family members. I have had a pretty bad year healthwise, having been sick a lot. Yesterday while checking some symptoms I have been experiencing on a health-related web site, I discovered that I could have a condition that is often seen in people with heart problems or, of course, "compromised immune systems." I had an immediate panic attack and wanted to run screaming out of my office. It took everything I had not to do it and I spent much of the rest of the day either in tears or fixating on it. I don't want to go to the doctor's because I'm afraid he will think I'm crazy. I am just beside myself with worry. I went through 5 years of torture with this in the 90s before medication and therapy sent it packing. Now here I am again and I truly don't know if I have the strength to get through it. I tried telling my husband, but he is very self-involved and not at all understanding of how freaked out I am right now. I have a good therapist and a good psychiatrist, so I guess I will have to derive comfort and support from them. It's just so demoralizing and depressing. I really thought I had it beat.

I'm so sorry--it must be really discouraging. I can imagine you feel pretty demoralized. However, check your assumption of "I thought I had it beat." To my knowledge, no one gets over OCD; it's just controlled, in remission so to speak. It does make sense to me that you would get hit with this during a time of stress--all my symptoms get worse when I'm stressed. Talk with your T and psychiatrist. You've dealt with the worst before, you can do it again.

Yeah, although I knew from an intellectual standpoint that I would never be entirely rid of the OCD, I was so encouraged by the lack of symptoms over such a long time that I started believing I had actually beaten it. To have it all come back again is very distressing, especially the feelings of absolute panic and shame. I thank God, however, that I have such a good therapist and psychiatrist this time. I had none of that before.

(((( nodamidis ))))

I'm so sorry you are getting slammed with those things again. If you think back to when you suffered from them before, what did your T and pdoc have you do (aside from meds) that helped you to work through those things? Are there some excercises that you did to help you ground yourself so that when those OCD symptoms came at you, you were able to work through them in a more rational manner?

I think it's important to remember that you made it through them before, and you have the tools and the support from your T to help you through them again. It's not unusual for us to backslide now and again, but remember that you have a good basis for getting through this. I'm sure too that not feeling well can really trigger those symptoms.

I'm glad you found PC. I think you will find that this is a great place for getting your thoughts and feelings out there. Writing is good and the feedback you can receive from others who suffer as you do can be a great feeling....to know that you are not alone.

Remember to breathe deeply.....good cleansing breathing. It's so good for your body and brain

I wish you well nodamidis...

sabby

Thanks so much for your kind words, sabby. I am deriving so much of my hope that I will get through this from the fact that I beat it before and am stronger for it. My therapist has me reading Brain Lock again, and I am trying to work through the four steps of the book. I also have put much of the burden of this on God and asked for His strength. Yesterday, I attended a healing service at my church. While I was too afraid to say to the minister why I needed healing, I knew that God was aware of my suffering. I feel less freaked out today and I hope that I will continue to improve as the days wear on. I feel like finding people here on this site was a God send as well. OCD is so distressing to those of us afflicted with it that we often suffer in silence, afraid to tell others for fear of judgment. I feel comfortable here already and it helps so much just to be able to tell someone what I'm going through.

Now I can't even get any relief from my OCD in my sleep! Since I started having OCD symptoms, I have had a difficult time sleeping. I fall asleep right away but I can't stay asleep. I wake up sometimes just an hour after I went to bed and can't get back to sleep. Last night was not unusual in that regard, but I had a horrific nightmare about contracting AIDS that woke me up with a start and has been with me all day. I have never had an OCD dream before and this one definitely has me shaken.

Doc prescribed some Ativan. I am looking forward to finally getting a decent night's sleep tonight.

Good luck! Let us know if it helps. When was the last time you actually had a physical check up with your internist doc? I'd do that just to confirm there was nothing wrong with me, nevermind what I "think" may or may not be wrong.

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Perna said:
Good luck! Let us know if it helps. When was the last time you actually had a physical check up with your internist doc? I'd do that just to confirm there was nothing wrong with me, nevermind what I "think" may or may not be wrong.

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Yeah, I have pretty much learned that I cannot go running to the doctor every time I have a symptom that could be linked to AIDS. One of my greatest fears is that the doctor will think I'm a "head case."