CBT session in a bit..

Yes, you're right.. I don't trust. And when I do end up trusting, it turns out I've trusted people who drop me, or get me into trouble, or whatever. I've learned now not to trust anybody at all, with anything. Not anybody. Not even my boyfriend's tutor who is saying "come up and see me sometime, to have a chat, catch up. I want to know how things are". I can't trust her, I so wanted to tell her in the email I sent her that I'd cut on Wednesday night, but I just couldn't.. The only person I told about it face to face was my hypnotherapist, Laura.

I hope my T will help me with trust issues, because I'm even like it with my T, he knows that now, because I emailed him one of my posts from here, and he read it and it was all about me saying how I was scared he'd see how I really felt and such and that I never really told the truth about how I felt, I'd just say one feeling I had that wasn't major, like tired for example and he'd say "you've not been sleeping well, again?" and I'd say "No, I'm exhausted." And we'd expand on that.

Only recently, after over a year and a quarter of seeing him, have I opened up to him and said how I really feel, have I actually stopped myself before answering straight away, thought about it and then said how I really feel. only just recently. It's crazy, I can't believe how long it's taken me and I'm being so hard on myself again, for that.. I just can't seem to help it..

I have a huge headache and I have had something to eat and drink today, so I don't understand the huge headache.. Maybe it's so much of an overload of thoughts.. I'm a bit panicky about my grade 8 singing exam, because I'm doing Habanera, Carmen. (If you don't know what I mean, look it up on youtube) which is a french song, quite popular and really difficult, so my nerves are flying everywhere about that at the moment.. And i have to choose a duet to do with a guy in my group. With an acoustic guitar in it and drums, or just acoustic guitar. Any ideas??? I have to do 2 arrangements of it :S

TPND, you will learn to trust at your own speed. You have every right to feel the way you do right now considering what happened to you. I wish you luck with your performances! I know very little about voice and singing.

Sorry I haven't been around for ages, I haven't had the time to get online to be honest. I broke my 53 days free from SH, and now, 6 days later, I can't walk very well because I have stitches in my leg.. If I start collapsing or my leg gets any worse, I have to go back to the hospital to get it sorted out. I don't know what's causing it to happen, though really, I guess because I've never done it in my leg before, it's strange to me.

I found out I have IBS, because of all of the stress, which is just another added stress on top of all of the other stress. So, I'm really not feeling great. I only had 2 1/2 hours sleep the nuight before last and got quite a lot of sleep last niught because I was quite heavily loaded with alcohol, which made the meds affect me more. My dr was clearly surprised when I told him that the 45mg Mirtazepine wasn't working. He said; "Wow, really? Normally when people are on that high a dose, they find it's almost more than enough to knock them out". So, I'm an anomaly (sp?).

I feel like I've got yet another heavy weight on my shoulders, I'm carrying shed loads of guilt, panic and upset.. But I can't cry.. It's so strange! I get so overwhelmed at times and really feel like I'll burst if the tears don't come soon, but they just don't come at all

I've got my next cbt session tomorow morning at 8.30. He's going to see my zombie-like state in the morning.. What fun.

Hopefully you will be able to talk about these issues ^ in therapy. Talking is really the way to go with these things (and then understanding and then problem solving).

I am sorry about your leg and your IBS. Are you eating a good diet for the IBS? Yogurt and probiotics are good for IBS. How did your performances go?

Yeah, hopefully I will..
I was eating a pretty crappy diet for a while, but then dropped back into this bloody ED. Uhhm, but yeah, I eat a good diet, lots of fruit and veg, but trying to avoid the starchy stuff. with a mixture of meats and protein-filled things. I've got to figure out what mkes my IBS worse, though. So I guess it's just a matter of pick and delete whichever ones help or don't help. So it's going to be a long process, but hopefully it won't be so damned painful!

I just had my performance lesson. It was great! We got the songs done all the way through! But in the first band I sing with, one of the guitarists (a guy that, for some reason has a nasty hate for me), said "oh no. We're not doing that song. It's what She chose". And he's... 19? 20? Pff. immature little git. Apart from that, yeah they were great. Choir was difficult this morning though, because I couldn't sing very well because my voice is quite hoarse at the moment, but for some songs it's a good thing because it's husky :P

So I've had an ok day, my leg's just really acting up. And I have sore ribs. I was opening a friends window last night and my hand slipped off the handle, so I lost my balance and fell into her table, whacking the back of my ribs on the corner of her table.. Heard a bit of a crack.. So, if I do go to the hospital about my leg tomorrow, I'll get that checked out, too.. Because it's the left side, same side as when I broke my ribs about 2 years ago.. So it's better to be safe than sorry.

Glad to hear that your performances went well! Yes, please check those things out at the doc......... Let us know.......

I have just had my session with Alec. It was really scary and difficult, but it was helpful I guess.. Just so much going on that's so confusing.. Both in the past and the present.. And now, I'm starting to worry whether I would make a good Mother when I do end up becoming pregnant, whether I'd make a good wife etc.. Because of my past..

I know for a fact that I vow Never Ever to take my past out on my kids, or on Connor. I mean, I admit sometimes I argue with him and I get really angry because I'm so confused and he doesn't always help matters.. But I feel so guilty for that.. What if I'm not a good parent?

My kids are 15 and 16 and I still worry about that--I think it's a fairly common worry, especially amoung those who have been hurt. My advice is to please not take on marriage or children until you are comfortable with you, your weight, your past, your present and future. Raising children is the hardest task you'll ever enjoy, but, like anything, is best done when you like who are you so you can project happiness and love.

I'm glad you had a good session. What are you doing about your leg and the other?

One day at a time TPND! You know, anxiety is funny because we are so uncomfortable with our feelings we loath being in the present so we live in the future or we live in the past. When you live in the future it actually makes your anxiety worse because you worry about it. This is one thing that I did so that I could live each moment in the present. I forced myself (as tolerated!) to live in the present each moment. I would sit with those uncomfortable feelings but this forced me to work on them. You work on all of these uncomfortable things and then they get resolved and then you can live in the present comfortably. Life is so much richer actually experiencing it. Of course each person is different and can tolerate living in the present differently. Maybe you have to do it gradually?

Maybe.. I don't know.. I just don't know if I'll ever be comfortable with me.. I just know that I'd want to give my kids the life I never had.

I went to the hospital yesterday, my leg's fine. Just need to stop doing so much exercise dammit! Not allowed to do exercise now! How rubbish is that?!
The other thing.. Hasn't been sorted yet, i didn't get the chance. My favourite nurse wasn't there and the nurse i did see was a bit of a cow, so didn't want to go talking to her about it.

I'm glad that you leg is okay. Did you ask about your other health issues?

No, I didn't. I got too scared to talk to the nurse that saw me about my leg, she was a bit of a ******, to say the least.. So.. Just waiting for Pauline (fave nurse) to come in and then I'll see her.. If not, I'm making an appointment to see my doctor on Monday.

Don't worry, I'll sort something out. If my favourite nurse is there when I get my stitches out on Saturday, I'll tell her then.