CBT session in a bit..

And i'm terrified.. I'm anxious, biting my nails, picking, fiddling, shaking, and I probably look really anxious too.. He's going to pick up on all of it, i know he is and he's going to ask about it and I'm going to stutter and stumble and get really angry with myself and I feel really, really, really sick and I'm like argh and all over the place and panicking and such.. What do I do? If I was stood up, I'd be running around with my hands in the air, pacing, not knowing what to do with myself in the lead up to it... Help?

My god.. It's onyl in an hour and I'm still not calm.. Even after an hour of trying to calm myself down, I just can't. What if he asks how everything is? What if I give away how i'm really feeling? What if I just blurt out that everything feels wrong, so, so wrong and that nothing is going my way right now and I just don't know how to deal with it or anything and i feel so weak and so ill and so rubbish and so unable to deal with anything right now because I have so many different emotions running around my body and.. and..

*sigh* I'm going crazy! I feel like I'm losing my mind and this is the first time I've ever got so, so panicky about our meetings.. Connor's picked up on how quite i've been and how fiddly and stuff and has asked if i'm ok and I've just said yeah, I'm just tired that's all.. but no, that's not it at all.. if anything, I'm too weak yet still have so much adrenalin running throuhg my body and i'm like argh! what do i do? and argh! Where do i go? and argh! what do I say? and argh! Who do I talk to?

I'm trying to use the techniques that Laura gave me but I feel like i'm about to explode and such and I just need to take a breather and let it all out, but at the same time I'm absolutely terrified of crying in front of Alec.. I'm terrified of telling just how much I blame myself for, just how much I blame myself for everything that's ever happened to me, dad committing suicide, mum becoming an alcoholic, us going into foster home, us being adopted, me being beaten as a 2 yr old by my step Dad, me being beaten up by my own twin all my life, me being beaten by my adoptive family.. Me being the easy one to pick on, me being kicked out, me being raped, me being hated where I live, me being pushed away when i go to get jobs, me being unwanted, me not fitting in anywhere, me not being able to talk to the people that care, me trusting the wrong people, me doing so much wrong to cause me to be beaten as a kid, yet not knowing what I did wrong, Sam dying, Chris dying, Georgie going into hospital, Connor being depressed, Connor's college work slipping, Shana making MY dog give birth when she's far too young, me leaving my dog behind, me leaving my cousin behind, me leaving my cat behind, me being so *******ed depressed, me being so messed up in the head and so panicky and so easily confused and frustrated and upset and shaky all the time.. See? It's all my fault... Everything. Yet everyone is always saying to me "you did nothing to deserve this, you did nothing to deserve that.." then why the hell did all this crap happen to me?!

I don't want sympathy that's not what I'm out for, I just want to understand why so many things in my life have messed up.. Bryony's life isn't so messed up as mine. Because she doesn't deserve it, even if she was the more naughty, mischievious kid, they obviously don't care.. He obviously doesn't care.. Why is He letting all this happen to me? I started to believe in Him, but He just keeps making everything so hard for me.. Wait.. no.. It's not his fault.. it's mine.. Again.. i bring it on myself somehow, don't ask mehow, i just know I do somehow.

I want to email Kate, Connor's tutor and talk to her, tell her how panicky I am and how crappy things are for me at the moment and how much I'm struggling, but I'd just be a burden to her as well as everyone else that I burden with all this.. maybe I should just delete this, because I'm just burdening more people..

Maybe stop talking to Alec because I'm a burden to him, and Kim, and Abi, and Nick, and Laura and all the other people that I talk to about all these things.. I'm so unconfident and somehwo it's all my fault.. They had a reason for making me so unconfident for telling me that I'll get nowhere in life and that I'm just a waste of space who is a punch bag t-to let their anger out on, to beat when they need to get rid of some tension, some upset, some anger and frustration.. To shout at and scream at and push and pull around and shove and push to the floor and stamp on, use as a doormat.. A slave to do all their dirty work..

My god, the shaking's getting worse and I'm getting weaker and weaker as time goes on, I can't think straight, my headache's coming back, I'm losing my mind, seriously.. i don't know what I'm even doing here sat typing and stuff..

TPND

How did your session go?

It wasn't even today!! All that panic for nothing!!
All because Connor was tidying my room and lost the bit of paper saying what day it was, so I thought it was today!

It's not until wednesday, butI went and spoke to him briefly anyway, told him about the case and such and how anxious I was and stuff and he asked why I was anxious and I said that I just guessed it was because of the case being transferred, I'm anxious about whether it's actually going to happen or not..

But.. I'm still really panicking about Wednesday.. I'd have rathered it be over and done with today.. He said if he's free tomorrow he'll let me know..

Hopefully he'll give you a call and be free tomorrow. Please, do your best to not fret over it. Write a song, play some music, something other than worry. From you talking to him today it sounds like he'll be gentle talking about this with you.

Sorry (((((((pain.)))))))

I have expience all those feeling. They are very and control them.

I will have you in my heart ..

tc hon
genn

Nothing can take my mind off of it.. I need to plan out what I'm going to say to him, or I'll just say something then contradict it so he doesn't ask me about it.. I know I'll do that if he doesn't jump in there first..

I'm not in the mood for music tonight, really I'm not.. And that just depresses me even more...
So far, I'm through day one of starvation and it's making me feel a little less anxious because I know I'm losing the weight, which makes me more confident..

I just hope Alec doesn't hear my stomach grumble on Wednesday and hope even more that Connor doesn't try to make me eat.. I'll never be able to cover up then

That would be a good thing. Your sessions wouldn't be very helpful if you try to keep secrets from your therapist and pretend nothing is wrong. Tell him what you wrote here and he will try to help.

Good luck!

TPND, I agree with Sunrise. We will be listening here if you need to write more before your upcoming appointment.

Thank you.. I guess I'm just afraid of his reaction..

I just wrote a huuuuuge post in depression, but it got deleted because whilst I was posting, I got signed out from PC. Which has peed me off even more!! I'll write it again tomorrow I guess..

*sigh* I feel better after writing it though, which is good. Thank you everyone

I copied the post and have sent it to him, no turning back now. God am I scared!!! *twiddles thumbs and shivers*

Idk what to do now, I'm so scared about his reply tomorrow. Especially if he gets a cancellation, so wants to see me tomorrow instead of Wednesday.. :|

Use your CBT here---you are assuming the worst, worrying about what he will say. What else could you do that wouldn't be negative or even scary?

I don't know what i could do that wouldn't be negative or scary - What else could I do?

In the end, I worte that really long post and wen to post it but because I'd been signed out it got deleted and that had helped, but because it got deleted, i just felt even crappier. GRRRR!!

I didn't sleep well last night at all.. I woke up from a doze at 7, thinking it was still 2am, which must have been when I'd fallen into a very light and restless sleep. I remember lying there thinking 'why aren't I even tired yet, why aren't these meds working?!' It took me almost 4 hours to get to sleep. That's not normal at all.. So in the end I only got..4/5 hours sleep, which is good for me, but still not good enough..

I'm so tired and weak today.. Yeah, weak because I'm still starving, but also because I'm just so damned tired! It's making me ill i felt so sick yesterday and last night when I eventually fell into a doze, I fell into it with a headache and when I awoke from it this morning, I still had that blasted headache!
I had a cup of tea to wake me up a bit, give me a little bit of energy, but apart from that, the rest of my day consists of water.

if Alec finds out how little an amount of calories I'm living on, he'll make me go to the SWEDA meetings, and if I don't stop, he'll have to take further action and I'll probably end up doing an outpatients scheme or something, or even going IP. But I won't let them do that, i'm not going into hospital for it, whether they like it or not.. Connor says I've lost weight, but i don't believe him.. In the shower last night, I was squidging the fat and it was horrible.. Ugh! Just thinking about ti makes me want to throw up..

My finger, the burn.. Is looking pretty yucky, but should clear up soon eough with this cream and the dressings and such. If not, it's a trip to hospital o get it sorted I guess..

TPND, this is his job to listen to you. People don't go to therapists to tell them nice and pleasant things. It will be okay!

He's been through this with me before though and I know he just wants to help, but it'll just make me cry if he starts reeling off all the bad things about starving myself and such.. My stomach's been grumbling all day.. My friend, Tom noticed it and I think he's starting to catch on. he asked if I was ok earlier, I just smiled weakly and said "yeah I'm fine I just feel a bit.. Blergh"

Seriously.. I feel like throwing up.. To get rid of everything that's in my stomach, all of that fat that's being absorbed still from 2 days ago.. yes, it's been 2 days already..
I just know that if I take this into myu meeting tomorrow and say to Alec.. "I'm on day 3 of starvation, so that's 3 down, 18 days left to go" he'll try and stop me.. I mean.. I know that I'll go further than that if my weight just isn't low enough.. This is what it was like last timeand I got out of it, so when I want to get out of it this time, I'll be able to, right? In 3 weeks time I'll be able to.. Please.. Reassure me I will because i really don't want to stop right now.. I'm doing so well.. If I make it past just 3 days, I'll feel good, but I have to make it 3 weeks.. First it was 2 but now it's 3 because that's half of the amount new Years' resolutions are held for etc. Up until Easter..

See.. Easter's another thing i've been thinking about.. All that chocolate, nowhere to hide it, I don't want to eat it and yet.. i'd feel too guilty if I just threw it away.. If it's money I've spent on food it's fine, but anyone else, it's not..

God, the panic attacks are coming back even worse, i've got a horrid pain down my back and I'm typing so fast I can barely see where my hands are going!

Help me! I need to feel that I can just.. Be calm for at least ONE day...

Sweetheart, there is no way I am going to tell you that you'll be ok not eating for three weeks and that you'll be able to return to eating healthy after that long of not eating. This is a serious serious issue, K-, one you should look into a little more. There's a reason people try to talk you out of doing it. It's dangerous. It's very dangerous. Go to the ED forum here, talk to some of those people who have been through it. It's not a pretty thing. I wish, oh how I wish, I could put your mind at ease, but there is nothing I can say that will make not eating ok. I'm sorry.

TPND, it's okay to cry in therapy. Does not eating give you a sense of control?

Yes, i gives me a huge sense of control.. Okay, I have eaten today, I had 4 people on my back about it and I just couldn't take it, i almost broke down to the last person, but I'm still restricting :S

I'm going to drink loads and loads of water and eat watery foods like salad and watery fruits, along with the occasional bit of chocolate at the end of the week if I'm good. Connor's helping me with this.. I spoke to him and he said he's going to help me with it all, come shopping with me and such and make sure that I talk to him if I start to feel bad about eating and stuff..

I have posted in the ED forum.. I'm still a little worried about my meeting with Alec though.. I feel drained and probably look it.. He's going to ask about it and I guess I'll explain. Especially with such a long day ahead of me tomorrow, I'll be drained by then.

But, I'm going to try and remain cheerful for tomorrow up until our meeting, then I'll try my hardest to show him how I really feel because he knows now that I cover up :S so he'll either see straight through me, or get me to sit and think about how I really feel and tell him the truth.. So, that's going to be hard and I'm guessing I'll be avoiding his eye contact a lot because I hate looking people in the eyes when I say how I really feel because I'm scared of what I might see like sympathy, or something..

Idk, maybe I'm just overworrying, but.. At least I ate something.. i feel like going in throwing it back up, but I'm trying my hardest to keep myself distracted.. And I'm going to drink lots now because I haven't had anything to drink all day apart from a cup of tea this morning and some squash when I got home.. I just hope I don't fall into that ED pit... Even more..

TPND, so everything feels out of control for you? I would suggest working on that instead of giving yourself another problem (an eating disorder). Do you want to talk about what in your life feels out of control? What happened to your finger?

Dear TPND,

So glad you're going to therapy. But no need to put on a pretense or a front on, for your Therapist. He wants a happier life for you! You & he can create & develop your very own Personal Life Plan!
Perhaps you could practice your relaxation techniques & deep breathing exercises to calm down before seeing your therapist's or to ward off panic attacks, your therapist is on your side!

Much Love,
Holmes

Yes, it feels incredibly out of control for me.. I've eaten, which helped me feel a little better because I wasn't weak and feeling ill from the hunger pangs, but I'm still restricting, which Connor doesn't know about and he's been saying the weight's been dropping off me.. Which I don't agree with.. I still see myself as hugely fat.

I was cooking the other day and caught my finger on the grill whilst getting some food out that I was cooking. I picked apart the blister and it got infected, so it's dressed now, but I'm getting it re-dressed in a bit to make sure it gets better, I've got cream for it too..

Therapy yesterday was really, really hard. Alec got me so close to tears, but the guard just wouldn't drop. GRRRR!! So got even more frustrated.. I was panicking before it because I'd just cut.. 53 days I'd been without.. And my leg was still bleeding when I went to see him, so I kept leaning down and squeezing my leg to stem the bleeding, hoping to God that he wouldn't see the blood on my foot.
I got home feeling frustrated that I hadn't cried and cut again, even going over the other cuts over and over, making them worse, causing myself even more pain, but I just didn't care.. I then trudged, bloody-footed to hospital and had to have 3 or 4 stitches in my leg.. I've never done it so bad on my leg before and never near my ankle.. Last time it was my upper leg. So, yeah.. i was in the hospital and I heard my favourite nurse in the cubical next to me. As soon as she heard my name being called, she leaped up and rushed over to me, looking at my leg (she looked really sad ) and said how she'd been asking all her colleagues if I'd been in, if they'd seen me and such. She'd been worrying so much! She asked how things were and I told her the police had let me down again and she looked really p*ssed off with that and quite upset by it. But she said that she's glad to have not seen me in a couple of months, but not, in the way that she was really worried that I was in the psychiatric ward or something, or had been sectioned.

The session with Alec was so tough.. I mean, I saw my health and wellbeing worker, Jason about an hour before and we'd talked about some really difficult stuff, too.. He'd been talking about my scars and stuff and how he self harms in the way of smoking.. He didn't realise that he did, but now he does, he's trying to quit. So, that helped a little, but it got me thinking about lots of things and because Alec and I had talked about a lot of deep stuff, and I'd almost cried because he was saying about how he'd seen a girl earlier on in the day, whose Dad had died and Alec had felt sad and cried afterwards because it reminded him of when he was her age and his Dad died. So, that got me going.. But the conversation went onto something else, and the guard just wouldn't drop. GRRR!

The bleeding didn't stop after two hours.. I was sat in the hospital for another half an hour waiting, and blood was dripping on the floor and then I was seen to.. The worst part was the injection of anesthetic.. it's not the needle going in, it's the bloody anesthetic that stings the most! So yeah, I was in a considerable amount of pain then, because my leg's not used to being cut there.. And he put some stuff on it that really, really stung, but I just gritted my teeth and let him get on with it.

So, today I'm not feeling so great. I'm feeling ill and hungry and tired and my leg is killing me.. Connor doesn't know yet because he's suffering quite a bit with his depression at the moment, so I can't talk to him about it yet. He's worrying about money and college and such, because he's just got given a load of money from his Dad, for his driving lessons (he's doing a crash course over 5 days and then he's passed) and he just thinks that he's going to spend it all if he's not careful... So, I'm trying to help him with that. If anything I'll keep his card so he can't get to his account in any way, unless he really needs the money.

Which is another added pressure on me, I know.. But I just can't help but feel like I need to help him, need to be there for him.. You know? I tried my hardest not to put a front on, there were a couple of times when I felt my face completely relax and drop into a frown when I was upset and such, but I tried my best to keep as much eye contact as possible.. He picked up on that and said "strangely enough, now you mention eye contact, you're keeping really good eye contact with me today. Is that because you're hiding behind your glasses?" I said no, that I just picked up on the fact that whenever I was talking about real difficult stuff, I avoided eye contact and I told him that I find it extremely hard to talk to people face to face and he understood. So, I feel a little better for telling him the truth.

I just wish that i didn't put myself through so much pain.. But I just.. Feel like I'm failing everyone at the moment and like I deserve to be punished for it.

TPND, I'm glad that you have eaten and I hope that you eat today.

Sounds like you are being really tough on yourself about therapy. You are at, where you are at. Can you try to accept where you are at (with being guarded) and just work from there? You are where you are at because of your experiences. Fighting it and hating where you are at can just make it worse. There are very valid reasons why you are at where you are (because of your experiences). Accepting yourself and then understanding yourself is how you will be able to make changes that you want.

Remember that you have to take care of yourself first and then you will be at a better place to help Connor.

I like that you let yourself feel what you needed to/was honest around Connor! Good work!

Why do you feel that you are failing everyone? You do not deserve to be punished!

I have eaten today, yes.. Still restricting.. But Ive eaten something.. I tried avoiding lunch, but couldn't. My stomach was wreaking havoc on me.

I am being really tough on myself, I just can't seem to help but be so tough on myself.. I know it doesn't exactly help me.. But.. I just can't seem to help it... I'll try and not hate myself for being where I am and I'll try to just let it come naturally (letting the guard drop).

I also managed to show my true emoiotns to Alec today and yesterday and I'm glad that I did. It was tough because I was talking about how I was struggling with eating again and he was being real tough on me and I just wanted to fight against it, even though I knew that he was right. He said that from a lot of what I say in emails and to his face, he can see that I'm beginning to think cognitively, which is good and that I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. I never used to be hard on myself in our meetings, but now I am. All the time and he always challenges it and I don't realise it until he does, which is a bit annoying.

I feel like i'm fail;ing everyone because I'm slipping back into eating disordered habits, I'm losing myself completely, i mean come on.. What knid of sane person says "I'd rather stab the s**T out of them tbh, other than just proving them wrong that I'll be depressed and such, and proving to myself that I can and will be happy etc." And with the cutting, i feel I've failed everyone, with my thinking, with the way I'm so hard on myself..

If I was punished all my life then surely I deerved it, so surely I deserve it now...?

Really think about why you were mistreated as a child. I'm sure you were mistreated because your parents didn't know what they were doing and/or, they had major problems which interfered with their parenting. Everyone who was mistreated believes that it happened because they deserved it. This is the conclusion that children come to (and many are told this directly). As an adult you can come to a different conclusion about this if you think about it.

I'm glad that you ate today!

Please don't think of yourself as a failure. Most people who had bad upbringings have issues to work out. You are no different than anyone else in these situations.

That's the thing, what sort of conclusion could I come to? I mean.. I know my adoptive parents were really, really strict and if they were noisy and stuff they'd get a smack on the butt.. But.. I don't know, I just don't think that's enough for them to treat me in the way they did..

Maybe it's because they felt that because I was so quiet, I was hiding things, that they couldn't have the control they wanted because I was quiet because of my unsettled early years.. Maybe that was another aspect I don't know..

I was talking to Sky last night and I said to her that I'd always been quite a quiet child, it was part of my character.. She disagreed and I understand her reasons for it. It's not my character to be so quiet that I sit and get on with my work, whether someone's sat next to me or not, that I isolate myself from people, that I seem to not care whether people sit with me or talk to me or not.. It's in my character to be quiet in the way of a little shy around people, but that's natural in every person.. They'll have a little shyness around people they don't know.. But I have it to the extent that I avoid meeting new people, in case they hurt me, I avoid being around people to the point taht sometimes I just don't open my door to them, that I open the door and don't invite them in.. I find it hard to make conversation, because I was never taught how, never given the chance as a kid. I had to be super quiet..

I know I've been isolating myself a lot recently, but to be honest.. Where I'm living, it just seems the best option.. I can't trust anyone at all in there. I'm incredibly anxious about everything now, constantly biting my nails.. Sometimes I cry for what I see as no reason, but then I think about what could be the reason and cry even more..

I guess they just felt that hitting me, screaming and shouting profanities at me, and my adoptive brother sexually abusing me (they didn't believe the teacher I'd spoken to about it, my adoptive parents told her I was lying but she didn't buy it luckily), was just their way of getting some sdort of power over me and feeling taht they had that control over me. Maybe, I don't know.

TPND, your adoptive parents were wrong for what they did. I don't know their reasons or what their problems were but I would bet money that they did have some problems. You were mistreated and you didn't deserve that....... You weren't mistreated because of anything that you did. You were mistreated because your adoptive parents didn't do the right or best things to raise you. People can be wrong. People make mistakes everyday somewhere in the world.

I see why you isolate, because you don't trust? You can learn to trust again slowly. To trust you have to understand what is going on with yourself pretty well and understand how you got to the point of not trusting (upbringing). You can then empower yourself once you understand why you feel so powerless (because your adoptive family took away your power at every turn). Then you have to learn who you can and who you can't trust and learn how to protect yourself (empowering yourself is key to protecting yourself). Your T can help you with this.