[Emerald]

I'm not sure if shyness comes with ADD or not, but that's what i have, it didn't bug me till i got out of school really, when i started losing all my friends, because now i pretty much have no friends, and it feels almost impossible to make any, I'm also especially shy to guys and adults...but mostly guys, I'm not terribly shy, but there's things like i just can not make eye contact with anyone, and find it hard to speak up, i also can't dance because I'm worried how stupid I'll look, like not to long ago when i was at a 50th anniversary party, where at there was alot of people(i have a huge family) and during that party they started a train line, i was asked to join in by my cousin who i am friends with, but i shaked my head no, i could tell she was upset with me about it, and shortly after i just spent awhile crying, which reminds me of another problem, i hate being seen crying, i hate being touched or comforted in any way, which I've noticed gets on peoples nerves(along with mine)
but back to what i was saying before, I'm constantly worried about how i look, my face, my hair, my clothes, how my clothes fit on me, how i move, how i talk,
i usually only get people telling me I'm ugly, or a geek or something like that, and only get compliments from old people.

well anyways, i know once i warm up to someone I'm not shy at all, but my ADD still gets in the way, like alot of times someone says something and i don't hear any of it,
i also have a terrible time explaining things, i can understand it perfectly in my head, but then when i try and put it into words it just comes out all wrong, although i seem to be able to talk and explain things online(like on AIM) perfectly.
another problem is my bad short term memory, and because of all that I've explained, people(along with my family) have learned just to not listen to me, they don't let me talk, and when i get in an argument with anyone, my mind is so cluttered and mixed up that i usually end up being called stupid, or a lier, or that i say things without thinking, or that i just don't know what I'm talking about...
everyone thinks i just don't try to learn any of the things I'm talking about, or i don't look anything up at all,
but i really do, i try hard, but i usually end up not remembering most of what i read or talk about, and most of what i do remember is all cut up, i can only bring to mind bits and pieces, and often not in the right order,

I'm sure i haven't explained everything, but that's probably the worst of it right there, i just want help really, I've never talked about any of this to anyone before, but i do think about it all alot and i look things up alot,
but since I've never talked about it before and I'm not sure what kind of advise to ask for, i thought i should just start with naming off my problems,

ok well that's all for now, thanks for reading :3

[clementi]

Hello Emarald
This is my fist time here and was struck by the similarities I identify with although I am a male and probably a lot older than you. Unfortunately I am not able to offer advice. After dropping out of high school things did improve in my early twenties when afetr I started taking medication for depression (a tricyclic called Limbritol F and Reactivan - which is now a banned substance in most countries. However my circumstances were compounded by alcoholic drinking until I was 27. I progressed well in my job and became a director of a large company by the age of 37. By then I was seen as an extrovert with clear thought processes. Only I knew the uncertainty that lay beneath the surface. Shortly afterwards I cut our the Reactivan and began a process of moving from one anti-depressant ot another, biut without success. Five years ago I was dianosed with Bi Polar Disorder II but the mediacations, like all the others since the original cocktail, did not work. In the meanwhile I started smoking pot - which further complicates matters but gives me a few hours respite from things. I don't recommend it as it is harmful to lungs and has other side effects. Over the past two years I have been trying to give up my medications - they make me feel "heavy" without feeling much differnt. This got me thinking about my original meds and have come to conclusion that it was the reactivan that probably helped me in my twenties and thirties and that my dianoses as depressive and Bipolar have actually been obscuring what I think the real problem is ADD and that Reactivan was in fact helping in ways I did not realise. I did an online test today for ADD and had a score of 104 on a scale where 70+ was thought to be a severe form of ADD. However I'm not holding my breath about it until I see a properly qualified doctor.
I sorry if this does not help you with your problem, but I think I was trying to show that if you receive the right medication you may well get the relief I did - at least for the 17 years a took that specific mix of medication. Perservere. Good luck

[Emerald]

hey thanks for replying :3 didn't think i'd ever get a reply,
but i don't think i wanna be taking any kinds of medication, i've already tried medications before and they only made me worse,
i'm not saying there's nothing that would help me, but i guess i'm more worred about my shyness then my ADD,
you might wonder "then why did you post in the ADD section?"
i was just kinda hoping to get advice on both,

i really don't know what to ask in order to get the advise i'm looking for, so i was just hoping someone would reply that's had the same problems as me,
but it's ok if that doesnt happen, for the most part i'm a pretty happy person, just can't help getting depressed sometimes for being lonley,
i guess my ADD and shyness mostly bothers me because it bothers others so much,
maybe if it didnt bother others so much then i wouldnt be so shy and i might beable to deal with my ADD better,

well thats all, thanks for your reply

[INaBOX]

From what I'm hearing you say, you're not sounding as shy as you are self-conscience and anxious. Having ADD is definitely a contributing factor in that. How can you feel confident in what you say when you've had numerous experiences with people degrading you and your intelligence. These are clearly people who are not understanding what ADD is all about.

As for not liking people seeing you cry and comfort you, well why would you? These are the exact people who've been so unsupportive and disrespectful towards you. I don't blame you. With comfort comes trust and you clearly don't have trust in the people who are trying to comfort you. This isn't a reflection of who you are - it's a reflection of who they are: ignorant.

In order to regain that self-confidence, you'll need to work through some of your internal scars first. This will take a lot of soul searching; a lot of patience; and a loving and supportive network. What you DON'T need is some doctor prescribing you some medication and treating you as another number.

Here's a theory of mine:
The reason why you write better than you speak is because the words you're using are right in front of you (on the screen). Are a visual learner? It's almost as iff all the letters floating in your mind are organizing themselves nicely on your screen and your focus releases the stress in find the words to begin with. When you speak, you have no visuals and the words are scrambled all over your mind.

If I were you, I would look into getting yourself into a support network for people with ADD specifically. That's a great starting point in making some new friends. Also, believe it or not, change your diet. I'm only assuming it needs a bit of tweaking. Lastly, find something that you're good at and build on that. I know it's a lot easier than said but it goes a long way.

I have ADD. I completely understand what you're going through.

Hang in there!
Huggs to you.

[Travis]

Emerald,

I understand some of what you are going through. It has been with in the past few months that I have been exploring and learing all about ADD. I had never read about it and always thought it was just something kids had. Well, one day I was talking to a girl that i worked with about some of my problems (symptoms) and she asked me if I had ADD. I didnt know what to say, I denied it at first then went home an got onto the net and started reading. The symptoms and problems accociated with it It fit me to a T. I felt relieved that there was a name for the way i was. I always thought I was the odd ball. I enjoyed elementary school, except the fact that my Dad died when I was in first grade, I stayed back that year. I had quite a few friends, but I always was getting into trouble. I bet there wasnt a year that went by I didnt almot get kicked off the bus. At school i was refined, and acted "somewhat normal" as soon as i got on the bus I would talk loudly, jump seats, and was out of control. After that middle school was a joke. Bigger school, and alot more kids. I dont know why I had very few friends, nobody could understand me, i was picked on all the time, beat up, verbally and physically abused. I justed never fit in. I was always friends withthe "geeks" or "bad kids"
Never could i focus on math or reading. to this day i cant do division, or multipication without a calculator. (pretty bad eh?) I just didnt care to learn. It never interest me. I hated middle school so bad, I was depressed all the time, i gained alot of weight, and my self esteem went to an all time low. I would often cry at night, dreading the next day at school. I changed schools for highschool. I enjoyed it much better, everyone more mature and I had a good majority of friends, not neccessarily good ones though. I started smoking cigarettes as a freshman, then shortly after progressed to to pot and alcohol. I felt it eased my depression, made my life more desirable for me, if I was drunk or stonned. I somehow managed to graduate. By the skin of my teeth. I wanted to go to college, but always procrastinated to sign up, and was too nervous to take SAT's, fearing i would faill miserably. I hated myself and hated the way i was and nobody unuderstood that, I was overweight and depressed. I way always jealous I didnt look "hot" so that the girls would be after me, instead of the star quaterback. to medicate my depression I would party and drink and smoke pot. I just partyed all the time people thought i was just a party animal. I have been outof highschool for 4 years now. I have a good job, but always felt i was on a different page as everyone else still. I have lost some weight not the right way though. Shortly after high school i found efedrine. I was popping diet pills containing it daily. for about 2 years I would get up take 2 pills got to work, take 2 more at lunch to get me through the rest of the day. Not only were they making me lose weight (which i liked) i had TONS of energy. I could get 3 times the amount of work done if i was all strung out on efedrine and caffeene. I would go home at night and smoke pot to calm me down and eventually pass out, then start the day all over again. I did that untill they banned efedrine about 2 years ago. Now i still have an adiction to caffeene pills, but it is not as bad as I used to be. I have learned it is just about as addicting as cigarettes, which I still smoke. I take them as i need them to give me a boost. I will eventually lay off them. sometimes It makes me have what think are mini anxiety attacts when i totally lose focus and just need to get up and walk away. When it is stressfull at work it makes me lose focus i get frustrated becuase there is so much going on i cant focus on i single task because i try to do many at a time and get overwealmed. It happens daily. I should go and get diagnosed, i have read a lot about his. I have many of the symptoms, depression, distractability, and financial issues. I like to spend money, especially by credit cards. I am about 26k in credit card debt and I am only 23. I look around my house and say what the hell have i bought with that money. I have a impuse spending problem. I see someting i want, i go an buy it. If i cant afford it at the time, i make with come up with some way to charge it on a card or take out a loan. I have just actually realized that my financial problem could very well be a part of my add. I have been looking at my life in a whole new way ever since i learned about Add. I am enrolled in a credit counseling program that I hope will help me out. My first session is tomorow. I hope they dont say i should file bankrupcy. I could sell my trailer, but then where do I go. Back to my parents house? It is really depressing me lately, im glad i made the call to the counseling service. It is just a small part of the whole problem with my life. I have become VERY independent, and sometimes find it hard to see myself in a relationship. I work a 2nd shift job and am in financial ruin, single, recently self diagnosed with ADD, and am very depressed about it all. Depressed about my life, where it is right now, where i wish i was right now, and still i possess a low self image and esteem. I probobly need professional help but am scared to see anyone, fearing what they say. So i live my life in a vicious cycle of high's and lows, good days and bad. Lonely at times, but sometimes happy that i dont have to deal with anyones else. I am getting older and have felt like that since Highschool. People wonder why i have never had a steady girlfriend, but i just get so afraid of commitment, fearing i will get let down, insulted, or screwed over. I probobly need depression medication but dont know what I need, and always procrastinate making an appointment. I like my pot. It relaxes me, but makes me think way too much about stuff sometimes. and i still drink occasionally, mostly only on weekends, but not driving, since my DUI last year.
I wish i was was diagnosed ADD long before now. I know its why I never had many friends, I was too shy to meet new people, always being nervouse what they though of me. It's odd for a guy to be this way, (and I do like women) but I am always too worried what they think of me that I cant even get a relationship started. But i have always been shy to meet new people. And when I do I never can remember there names, and while they are talking to me i am always wondering whet they are thinking about me. Or oif something else is on my mind i will drift off and think about that while I am looking the peron straight in the face and nodding my head like i am hering every word they are saying, when i really am not even listening. That happens daily for me. Even with people i know. My mind always drifts. this is the way i am. I have come to live with it for the most part. I have ALOT of bills, but they are all paid on time, I have a good job, and I give off the perception in social settings that everything is ok with me. Most of my friends think im crazy when i talk about ADD. I dont care what they think. I know the way i feel and thats all that matters to me. It has taken a long time for me to realize that but that is the way it is. Not sure when my life will ever change, if it ever will.

[Emerald]

hey thanks for the replies,
inabox, what you said did make me think, i would like to get into some kinda ADD group, and i know i should be changing my diet XD
but as for finding something I'm good at, i know I'm good at drawing and cooking, which i do practice alot, and I'm trying to get into cooking school right now,
but now that i think about it, there really isn't anyone i can think of in my family besides my mom that could see me crying without making me feel stupid for doing so, and even when my mom ever saw me crying, i just couldn't explain what was wrong,
and now that I'm 18, I've gone threw so much of that, that even if i tried letting my mother comfort me, it would just feel way to awkward,

and as for you travis, besides the getting beaten up, smoking anything, drinking anything alcoholic, or having financial problems, that's exactly how i feel about everything and what happens to me,
like that last thing you said there where you're mind just drifts off while you're talking to someone and you nod your head like you're still listening,

but i don't think depression medicine is the answer for you, depression medicine is for people who are depressed when they have absolutely no reason to be depressed, you are actually depressed for a reason, and i think if you got the right person to help you, and some good friends to help and encourage you, then you'd be feeling alot better,

well something else that happens to me alot is, i go and say something out of nowhere, I'm asked what i said, and then i realize what i said didn't make sense, so i say never mind, and they get mad at me x,x

i guess the fact that i can't talk or explain things like everyone else can does get me down alot,
and i think joining some kinda ADD group will help me,
but it might have to be an online group, because right now i have no means of transportation to get anywhere,

I'll do what i can though, thanks again for replying both of you :3