[confused38]

I am coming out of a 3 year relationship that has just worn me out, such a rollercoaster ride of emotions.. with numerous break ups.. The woman I fell in love with was completely into me when we first met, couldnt take her eyes off of me, just worshipped me.. This lasted about 3 months, but conflict started driving a wedge between us quickly.. She had a boyfriend of 2 years prior that she broke up with that refused to go away, actually interfered with her last relationship before me.. He was doing all he could to sabotage our relationship for our entire relationship.. I tried countless times to get her to stop contacting him.. often she would tell me it was done, but was always finding out it wasnt.. She was passing on my private emails to him as well.. Her last boyfriend before me was also a problem for 5 months, played the same game with him.. Keep in mind, she was telling me she loved me at two months, and we were in a committed relationship.. So 5 months into our relationship, she starts giving me the stiff arm, feelings start diminishing, and she tells me love is a big word.. cant we just date..? etc.. Well, I find out she was working behind the lines with her exhusband who had divorced her for another woman.. Anyway, she finally tells me after 3 months of talking with him and working things out, that she is on the fence.. Husband finally exits the situation shortly after, because she is going to follow through with a vacation we had already planned.. He runs back to his ex fiance' and cuts all communication.. Obviously this adds more trust issues to the relationship.. Like an idiot, I stay...and try to forgive her.. Well, she she eventually gets frustrated again, because of the fallout from her ex husband, and the fact she is still in contact with her ex boyfriend.. We get in a fight close to xmas, then she just stops contact with me for 48 hrs, I hear nothing.. Couple days later.. I finally make contact with her, she says she is done, wants to break up.. Well, few weeks go by and she reaches out again, tells me she misses me.. We hook back up and we are laying on her bed, she is on her computer.. An email comes in from some man (his name was on it) and she is was frantically trying to remove it.. I made her open it of course, and there was evidence in the email that she had had sexual contact with this man. Long story short, it was someone who went to the same HS she went to that she always liked, but never knew.. He had friended her on facebook, and in 48 hrs of talks, she invited him to stay the night at her house since he was coming in town.. Of course, just as friends she said.. Well, she admitted she had done the unthinkable.. What really disturbed me was she said she never thought of me once during the experience... So.. like an idiot again.. I stay the course.. I had to deal with another bout with her going back to her ex husband again, and continued deception with her ex boyfriend that would not go away.. I do believe she had nothing for the ex boyfriend, but it was obvious what he was trying to do to our relationship for his own selfish reasons.. It was destructive.. On her last go round with her ex husband, I did come back to her, but I finally set my boundaries.. I told her I would have her password to her phone and email account.. and that if there was anymore contact with ex's or funny stuff.. I walked.. Of course, she promised me it would not happen again.. Well, two months in.. she again makes contact with the ex boyfriend, only through her daughter's account.. Which I eventually caught her doing.. We had a 3 week separation, and of course.. I came back.. Well, since she has been telling me I am controlling and abusive because I am finally putting my foot down and TRYING to protect my personal boundaries.. So, what does she do... She contacts my ex wife and ex girlfriend to try and dig up any scoop she can on me to see if this is who I really am!!! I was floored... and humiliated.. We are currently on the outs, and I have not seen her for 7 weeks, but she keeps playing the push/pull game with me.. toying with me.. I realize I did not set boundaries for myself and I was a doormat to her.. I get that, and I am going to see a counselor to work on myself from all this.. But I would like to get other's opinions on this as to what I was actually dealing with.. I feel it was more than ADD.. She was on welbutrin, after going off Adderal.. Adderal was causing health issues..

Few other things of note.. There was a naked photo of her on her phone when we first started dating when she was fanning through her photos.. I asked her what that was for, and she admitted to sending this photo to some guys she met on the internet.. (which disturbed me). Her mother says she is very criticial towards other peoples kids, very judgemental.. probably because she has so many problems with her own kids and their ADHD.. I dont know..

Last, when she broke up with me 7 weeks ago because she didnt want to deal with these boundaries, I went to pick up my stuff at her place, which is 1:45 minutes away (long distance relationship).. I had asked her to put the stuff in the garage, and that I didnt need a dramatic goodbye.. Well, she comes out and is sobbing like a child, even looked like a little kid with her frown downward, a look I dont think I had ever seen before.. I just said goodbye, got in my truck and left.. Well, it was no more than a minute later and she was texting me telling me to come back, she made a mistake.. Then she texted "I will never find another man as good as you, EVER." Then.. "I think I am going to be sick!".. Then.. "I am puking!." Ugh.. I couldnt help but chuckle to myself.. It was like dealing with a child.. I kept driving, and it was maybe a half hour later her texts went from begging to being mean.. Then started ripping me for anything and everything..

As you can see, this has been a long journey, one I am not proud of.. While she could be a great woman at times, this was always destroyed from her actions.. She always had a sense of entitlement.. told me after two months when I came back that I should be over all she did and trust her unconditionally.. She just never got it, or cared to get it!

Any input anyone would have would be greatly appreciated.. Part of my closure in all this is trying to understand what it was exactly that I was dealing with.. I read a lot about ADD, but this seemed so much more.. Im sorry this was so long, but its been a long haul...

Thank you!!

Confused...

[Miswimmy1]

I'm not sure what to say, except that ADHD has a very high rate of having comorbid disorders. There is a good chance that she could be dealing with other issues. I would steal clear of the whole situation.

[BlueInanna]

wow Confused...

i'm going to be blunt, i'm not always, and i'll gladly try to offer you support if you stick around here. but that whole thing sounds nuts. i think you both probably could have something going on... glad you're going to a counselor.

she sounds plain adhd to me, and i think you might be obsessed about this dead and over relationship. but what do i know, i hope you find answers and help working with the counselor.

[confused38]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

I'm not sure what to say, except that ADHD has a very high rate of having comorbid disorders. There is a good chance that she could be dealing with other issues. I would steal clear of the whole situation.

Thank you, I am.. Im not sure what to say either.. It has been consuming..

[confused38]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

wow Confused...

i'm going to be blunt, i'm not always, and i'll gladly try to offer you support if you stick around here. but that whole thing sounds nuts. i think you both probably could have something going on... glad you're going to a counselor.

she sounds plain adhd to me, and i think you might be obsessed about this dead and over relationship. but what do i know, i hope you find answers and help working with the counselor.

Thank you for your response.. I know there are a lot of things that are comorbid with it, her Psych doctor even brought up HPD because of her need for validation from so many men, and her sexual escapades and the picture she sent on the internet.. But she stopped short of diagnosing her with it, she needed more time.. But then she of course left counseling.. It has been a long journey for sure, one I am not proud of.. I know I enabled her and didnt set healthy boundaries for myself and stick to them.. That is the big reason I want to get some counseling for myself..I have more pride in myself than that.. Thanks again for your response, and reading my post.. I know it was very long!!

[layla11]

Hi, I would stay away from her. It sound very unhealthy, I dont think you have anything to be embarrassed about. You did the right thing buy not going back. There are alot of people out there like her, they dont have any morals or standards and you should stay clear of them. Sorry to be so blunt, but yes there is more to it. She has very poor ethics. Just move on, it will take time but eventually you will come to terms with it and understand it. Then you will be so glad you are away for it.

[confused38]

Originally Posted by layla11

Hi, I would stay away from her. It sound very unhealthy, I dont think you have anything to be embarrassed about. You did the right thing buy not going back. There are alot of people out there like her, they dont have any morals or standards and you should stay clear of them. Sorry to be so blunt, but yes there is more to it. She has very poor ethics. Just move on, it will take time but eventually you will come to terms with it and understand it. Then you will be so glad you are away for it.

Thanks for responding Layla.. I know she isnt healthy, I guess it would just help if I had closure to it.. Its so hard to invest that much time into something and just not know what was going on, maybe its a man thing.. since we are fixers.. I dont know.. She could be so loving at times, she was a school teacher... and had a good head on her shoulders.. But it was as if she just couldnt get it... During one of the breaks when she went back to her husband, I went on a date with a lady I dated a few times before.. well, she would check in on me from time to time when she was with her husband, and she lost it when she found out I was dating someone else, almost in a panic mode.. Said she was going to be sick. Just bizarre.. Was ok for her to do the things she did, but heaven forbid if I EVER would consider doing the same, whether in the relationship or not.. Towards the end when she searched out my ex's for information on me, I told her I should do the same to give her some of her own medicine (although I had no intentions of doing so), and she said "You wouldnt do something as horrible as that would you, you know how much I am afraid of my ex boyfriend!!" It was a response you would hear from a little kid.. There was a lot of entitlement issues.. ok for her to do things, but couldnt believe someone would do the same to her.. I know there are so many disorders, and many overlap each other too.. But I have read soooo many articles trying to figure out just what was going on.. I feel sorry for her too, even after all she put me through.. I feel sorry for her, because I dont think she sees how she sabotages her happiness.. Anyway, just looking for closure, and maybe I will never have it...

[layla11]

Hi and just wanted to say, I think you will have closure and its good you are talking about this. Also, reading all you can is a good thing. I went through something like this years ago. I guess thats why I responded to you message, because I can relate. I read alot too, and it helped to understand. Talk about it when you need to that helps. Have you ever read up on sociopathy? Im not saying that she is a sociopath because I dont know her of course. Just keep investigating and youll find the answers.

[confused38]

Originally Posted by layla11

Hi and just wanted to say, I think you will have closure and its good you are talking about this. Also, reading all you can is a good thing. I went through something like this years ago. I guess thats why I responded to you message, because I can relate. I read alot too, and it helped to understand. Talk about it when you need to that helps. Have you ever read up on sociopathy? Im not saying that she is a sociopath because I dont know her of course. Just keep investigating and youll find the answers.

I'm embarrassed for myself because I was foolish enough to go through all this, makes me look weak.. which I was.. I think men in general are fixers, so I thought I could fix her.. My faith as well kept me in this, because I showed compassion as well, I saw a broken woman inside.. She has a good heart, but its almost like this stuff is almost out of her control at time, at least it comes across this way.. Like a child.. Not letting her off the hook of course, but this was the perception I had on it.. I know she loved me very much, especially once the storm of all that happened had passed.. At least the most traumatic events.. She is no dummy, she has been an elementary school teacher for 21 years, and does ok on the social side of things.. Although she always hated talking on the phone! We texted 90% of the time, frustrated me! We would text for an hour when she could just pick up the phone.. And if we were fighting, forget the phone.. no chance she would pick up the phone.. Just some odd behavior.. I know she carried a lot of guilt from her childhood, not measuring up to anyone.. it was intense.. So any perceived failures in the present, mixed with those from the past.. and it was intense..

Anyway, I will look up sociopath as well, I know you can still have some qualities of different disorders and not be labeled with it.. Thanks so much for your input!!

[blured]

Originally Posted by confused38

I'm embarrassed for myself because I was foolish enough to go through all this, makes me look weak.. which I was.. I think men in general are fixers, so I thought I could fix her.. My faith as well kept me in this, because I showed compassion as well, I saw a broken woman inside.. She has a good heart, but its almost like this stuff is almost out of her control at time, at least it comes across this way.. Like a child.. Not letting her off the hook of course, but this was the perception I had on it.. I know she loved me very much, especially once the storm of all that happened had passed.. At least the most traumatic events.. She is no dummy, she has been an elementary school teacher for 21 years, and does ok on the social side of things.. Although she always hated talking on the phone! We texted 90% of the time, frustrated me! We would text for an hour when she could just pick up the phone.. And if we were fighting, forget the phone.. no chance she would pick up the phone.. Just some odd behavior.. I know she carried a lot of guilt from her childhood, not measuring up to anyone.. it was intense.. So any perceived failures in the present, mixed with those from the past.. and it was intense..

Anyway, I will look up sociopath as well, I know you can still have some qualities of different disorders and not be labeled with it.. Thanks so much for your input!!

Don't worry. You should be happy that you are done with her. From my experience what I have come to realize is that you cannot fix everything especially when it comes to human. Just try to make yourself less susceptible to such things from now on. Its good that you are going to a counsler. Best of luck and move on. Life has better things to offer than this!