[yellowfrog268]

My 14 year old was recently diagnosed with ADHD, inattentive type.

She continues to rely upon me for managing her life.

Now that she's 14, I expected that she would have become more independent.
I have to tell her to take a shower, brush her teeth, etc.
I have to remind her to be ready on time whether it's for school or other activities. It's like she doesn't think for herself, instead she just waits for instructions on what to do.

What's worse, she shows very little interest in trying to help herself.

I've talked to her about using different time management systems. I've talked to her about using lists or using her android phone to remind herself of important things.

People have told me to let her learn from experience, let her fall a few times and she will learn. Problem is, she has fallen, several times and she still hasn't learned. Also, reward/punishment has not worked.

I worry about what kind of a future she will have as an adult.

I don't know if this is her ADHD or something else.

[Miswimmy1]

I can totally relate to your daughter. Let me just say that someone with ADHD really has to make the decision to want to improve the quality of their life. If you daughter truly doesn't care, then you can do whatever and she still won't take responsibility. But more than likely, it's not that she doesn't care. I think its probably her ADHD.

What you said about her being 14 now and you expecting her to be more independent- I disagree. Studies have shown that people who have ADHD have brains that are up to 3 years delayed in the prefrontal cortex (the part that controls executive functioning). While she may be 14, that part of the brain that controls time management is still only 11. That is something that needs to be taken into account.

Also, people with ADHD sometimes take longer to learn new habits. She might know in her head that she shouldn't do something. She may learn from experience. But she forgets because she becomes so wrapped up in whatever she is doing that she forgets. It's not that she hasn't learned it. She probably thinks back and goes, "why did I just do that! ugh!"

Is she on medication? Medication can really help the person in that initial phase, focus on learning those new skills. Medication is not the fix all. Regardless, she still needs to learn time management and organization. But sometimes, medication can help with that. Also, is there someone that she can work with (learning specialist, ADHD coach, therapist) that is not you? Sometimes, it's better to have outsider help with those things. Personally, I am way more receptive of advice and criticism from someone else that is not immediate family.

[yellowfrog268]

As of right now, her psychologist and I are trying natural remedies. I am thinking of getting her either coaching or longer term therapy that focuses on things like time management, using reminders for important things, and basic organization.
I too have ADHD inattentive type so I can easily empathize with her but as her mom, I'm concerned about what adult life will look like for her. Things like taking a shower and brushing teeth are not new habits yet she has to be told to do them. We have made some adjustments such as setting up a schedule to make sure things get done but she still needs reminding.
If the alternative medicine route does not provide much in the way of symptom relief, then we will have to consider modern medicine. I want her to get her symptoms under control as she is already a teen and regardless of her 'brain's age' she will (all too soon) be expected to function as an adult.

[Jonelle141]

Originally Posted by yellowfrog268

My 14 year old was recently diagnosed with ADHD, inattentive type.

She continues to rely upon me for managing her life.

Now that she's 14, I expected that she would have become more independent.
I have to tell her to take a shower, brush her teeth, etc.
I have to remind her to be ready on time whether it's for schoJol or other activities. It's like she doesn't think for herself, instead she just waits for instructions on what to do.

What's worse, she shows very little interest in trying to help herself.

I've talked to her about using different time management systems. I've talked to her about using lists or using her android phone to remind herself of important things.

People have told me to let her learn from experience, let her fall a few times and she will learn. Problem is, she has fallen, several times and she still hasn't learned. Also, reward/punishment has not worked.

I worry about what kind of a future she will have as an adult.

I don't know if this is her ADHD or something else.

Someone that has been thru this personally...I was ur daughter minus the ADHD recommendation. I finally got diagnosed with it now at 35. All I can see is enabling behavior here on both parts. I understand you want your daughter to succeed and do well but she sees it as she won't ever have to try because you will make sure it happens. It's important like others replied you let her fall a few times. Now as a parent myself...I see how hard that is. But I've had to do the same and it hurt me...but after a few times my kids realized if they care about it then they will do it. Good luck. But you should trust in that you raised her right and if she really does want something...she will do it.

[wisedude]

If your daughter has ADHD get her on proper medication, alternative medicines do NOT work.

I will try and come back here later and give you some tips for managing ADHD, but every problem you describe is classical ADD (or perhaps 14 year old teen behavior also).

Would it shock you to learn that I have ADHD and have not brushed my teeth in over 20 years?

[Arwen_78]

I think wisedude is right in saying that it's just 14 yr old teen behavior. It seems worse in us ADDers.

Plus, she does have to learn. She could think that you'll never let here down. Just pick the right time so it's not important school dates where the fall could really hurt her.

I just wanted to add, you need to be careful about how you go about it. I had a friend who was AD|HD that I met when I was in high school. Her parents didn't medicate her as mine did nor do they really support her as my mom did me. In a way, their way of handling her was better as she is a better student than I ever have been.

Yet, they missed something because she blames everyone else and everything else for an problems in her life.

I took her in a few years ago. I wanted to help her grow and gave her the tools plus the space from her parents that she needed. I then because the reason for all her problems. I wasn't a nice person because I didn't treat her with respect. I think that was my fault on the respect side as maybe I didn't fulling figure out how my mom did it right with me. It was "you have to be cruel to be kind" kind of thing with her. As I had tried everything else I knew.

In the end we had to kick her out and I ended the friendship as I couldn't handle her anymore. It hurt that I had to do it but at the end of the day if she wasn't going to listen to the help I tried to give when it was respectful then it was lost.

[montanan4ever]

14 is very young. She might take longer to grow out of some of this stuff than you initially thought she would.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by yellowfrog268

As of right now, her psychologist and I are trying natural remedies. I am thinking of getting her either coaching or longer term therapy that focuses on things like time management, using reminders for important things, and basic organization.
I too have ADHD inattentive type so I can easily empathize with her but as her mom, I'm concerned about what adult life will look like for her. Things like taking a shower and brushing teeth are not new habits yet she has to be told to do them. We have made some adjustments such as setting up a schedule to make sure things get done but she still needs reminding.
If the alternative medicine route does not provide much in the way of symptom relief, then we will have to consider modern medicine. I want her to get her symptoms under control as she is already a teen and regardless of her 'brain's age' she will (all too soon) be expected to function as an adult.

Sorry for coming back to this so much later. I was wondering if you have tried a combination of diet and exercise? I find that I can much easier focus when I've had some physical activity. I also have found it really important to stay hydrated and eat a balanced diet.

[-jimi-]

I'm over 40 and I still have to remind myself "how" to wash and brush my teeth. Some things never became automated with me. Put me on a computer and I type faster than I speak. Put me on a horse and we become one.

Some skills and habits are just very very hard!!!!!

[TheImpossibleGirl]

I struggle with time management like this as well. I would suggest sitting down with your daughter and figuring out a very specific daily schedule (weekends too!). Work out exactly what she needs to do and when. Schedule in free time as well. Then, make several copies and hang them in places where she will see them. Set timers (we use a little kitchen timer) for when she needs to switch to the next thing. At first, I think you're probably going to have to baby her even more, but eventually the activities will get more automatic.

Another thing that helps me is a marker board. I have a small whiteboard that I got for about $7 from Walmart. Since I have trouble getting ready on time in the mornings, before I go to bed I write down everything I need to do in the morning. That way, when I wake up, it's all right there were I see it right away.

I'm glad you're trying to help her with it right now. She's still young enough to learn good habits before the bad ones really become a problem. I'm 19 now and trying to learn all these things on my own and it's really tough.

[yellowfrog268]

The biggest hurdle with her is lack of desire to do the very things that would help her.

Food: She's always had very peculiar eating habits. When she was a smaller child I thought she would outgrow it. She hasn't and it's a daily struggle. Although she knows her diet isn't helping her, she shows no desire to change it.

Exercise: She walks to school everyday which is approx. 1.5 miles. Not only has she lost weight but I've seen that she is more tired at night and sleep comes a bit easier. When school is not in session she does go to the gym but isn't consistent.

Making schedules: I've encouraged her to use her planner, use some of the apps on her Android phone, etc. Again, she is not consistent.

Overall, the problems are lack of motivation and ability to stick-to-it.
Her psychologist is more interested in her anxiety than in her ADHD. She says that my daughter is no where near ready to tackle things like organizing or schedules. It's odd because although I agree with the diagnosis of anxiety, I don't see my daughter as so very anxious that she can't begin to work on the ADHD issues. I don't think that medications alone are the answer. I also have ADHD so I know what I'm saying. It takes meds and behavior modification to get my symptoms under control and even then there are days....
I just want to see progress. She will be 15 years old in February and it's a reminder that soon enough, she's going to be expected to function as an adult. Seeing where she is now, I am worried for her future.

[Arwen_78]

yellowfrog,

I can understand that you are worried about how your daughter will handle her ADHD without you but you can't force her too. At the end of the day if you push too much she'll never really want to do them at all. Plus, you are more focused on her ADHD and not the anxiety. If you are too forceful it could make her anxiety worse.

She isn't you, her lack of motivation is a lot because of the ADHD. I know with my ADD that I feel like I'm a highly DRIVEN person but lack the motivation and energy to see things through. I have to push through things much harder than most. This is were I'm beginning to question if I'm on the right medication for my ADD or not.

She may never be as motivated as you would like or as you. Just remember nobody is ever really the same.

[-jimi-]

Yellow, it sounds like you try to fix her problems by saying she can't have ADHD in the first place. It's very circular reasoning. Like just get organized so you can manage your ADHD, when getting organized IS the problem in her ADHD.

I don't have the up and go that many others have. There is no "just do it" in my life. She probably has to focus hard and use up a lot of energy just to use the tools that will help her.

I think maybe you make it worse by adding your own anxiety about her future and how awful it will be if she cannot overcome all her aspects of ADHD. That doesn't really create a safe environment for you or her.

[TheImpossibleGirl]

Don't try to push her to do everything at once, i.e. change her diet, regulate exercise, change sleep habits, write in her planner, be responsible for personal hygiene, etc. Just pick one small thing to work on at a time. It's hard enough to make one life change, and trying to force a lot of changes on her will only increase her anxiety. She may be feeling like she can't ever do anything right, so why bother trying. I know I get that way sometimes. I know it's frustrating for you, but remember it's frustrating and hard for her too. She is approaching adulthood, but she's not there yet. There is time for her to change her habits. And no one says that all bad habits must be solved by age 18 anyhow. ADHD is something that takes a lifetime to learn to manage.

[montanan4ever]

Originally Posted by yellowfrog268

Overall, the problems are lack of motivation and ability to stick-to-it.
Her psychologist is more interested in her anxiety than in her ADHD. She says that my daughter is no where near ready to tackle things like organizing or schedules. It's odd because although I agree with the diagnosis of anxiety, I don't see my daughter as so very anxious that she can't begin to work on the ADHD issues. I don't think that medications alone are the answer. I also have ADHD so I know what I'm saying..

You are judging another human being's symptomatology based on your own, and that is not okay. It's even LESS okay when that person is still a child. You do not live inside her skin, so you are in no position to assess the true severity of her anxiety or whether it's possible to work on ADD issues with her anxiety levels where they are.

How about listening to the professionals for a while, since your methods don't seem to be working so well? You might be surprised.

If diet and exercise are iffy for her, then you might well be doing her a favor by getting her on meds, IF she is interested in taking them.

[yellowfrog268]

Thank you all for your responses. Some where a bit brusk and accusatory which was not nice. I do not see my daughter's issues through the lens of my own issues and I am not dogging her to change. We are trying different methods to help her cope with her issues. When I wrote the original post I was expressing my own concerns and what I've tried thus far to help her. Somehow that got translated into me being unreasonable.Much of my own thoughts on her issues I keep to myself. I wouldn't dream of saddling my daughter with my concerns about her future. I'm fully aware of how much that would only add to her anxiety. I think all parents who have children with mental health disorders worry about their child's future. I thought I could come here and express my feelings in a healthy way.