[clw51]

Background:
My 29 year old daughter has recently been diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety and PTSD. It explains why she has never been able to hold a job, have a long lasting relationship and can't seem to be an independent adult. Over the years her Dad and I have been so upset with her thinking she was rebellious, lazy and immature. Why couldn't she just do what she was suppose to do.

Over the years she has two failed marriages and has one child from each marriage. They are back again, living with us because she couldn't get it together to pay her rent on time and was locked out of an apartment and then bounced from friend to friends house until she ran out of friends who would have them. So they ended up back with us.

She has only been out of our house maybe a total of 2 years of her 29 year old life. She has been back with us since November of 2017 this time and I saw real progress. She was kinder to us, more appreciative of what we do for them and she talked about really wanting to get better and it seemed she was really trying. So we got her to a Naturopathic Dr. she insisted on. She wouldn't go to a regular Dr. She has no insurance so it is all on our dime.

We are elderly and my husband needs to retire end of this year, but he feels he can't now with our daughter and the grand kids back again. So this is both a financial strain and an emotional strain on us.

Problem:
So I said all that so you would understand what I am about to ask. Our daughter was almost back to sleeping normal hours. She usually stays up all night and sleeps all day which puts strain on me to be the only adult care for the kids. Getting the older one to school and picking her up and all the meals etc. With our daughter sleeping all day she avoids all responsibility with her kids and doesn't spend much time with them. In fact she avoids all responsibility when she is up at night and sleeps during the day. She doens't have to deal with people either. I get stressed and overwhelmed being mom to the grandkids. I love the grandkids but they also have ADHD! Ages 7 and 4. The 4 year old boy has anger issues too.

Like I said she was almost back to normal hours and I don't know what happened. She said she couldn't sleep one night and the next thing you know her hours are all backwards again. So I asked her this morning as she was going to bed if there was anything I could do to help her in any way. Her answer was “No not that I know of, when I am out of it I am out of it.” I asked her if she was taking her medication when she was up at night She said “No, I don't remember to take it and I am almost out anyway and we can't get anymore.” Her attitude was what's the use, you can't afford to get me more anyway.

Now this is the thing. She is getting over $6000 tax refund. It seems to me that if she was sincere in getting better she would take some of the money and pay for the medical care she needs. But she is at home with Mom and Dad and she thinks we should cover that expense for her, after all we are her parents! She has never been good with money. I suggested she use some of this money for medication for herself and she got very upset I would mention it. She plans on getting herself new furniture for her room we are clearing out for her use. And makeup and clothes! I am sorry but I am very upset about that. She knows we can't afford her medical care especially when she had no insurance. We are doing all we can to help. Giving up a room in our little home for them and paying for what we can for them to live with us.

She won't work because the Dr said she was too stressed and needed to recover first. So she is doing that but if she won't take her meds she will recover so much slower. She doesn't do anything around the house to help either. This has been her behavior all these years whenever she was living at home. Generally not working and not helping around the house either.

So I don't know if I should be showing tough love and just not do her laundry and stop helping her. Or if this is really part of her mental issues and I need to be more patient and continue doing everything for her. She has always been a manipulator for getting what she wants and it doesn't help that as her parents we feel badly for what she is going through and tend to give in to her.

I just don't know what to do! Be firm, wake her up earlier in the day so she can get her hours switched around, don't do her laundry and when it piles up in the bathroom just throw it in the garage in a tub, etc? I just don't know how to handle this. It has been 10 years of her adult life dealing with her not doing what normal adults do. Its like having a forever 14 year old! Sorry I am just so frustrated!

Any insight is greatly appreciated!

[Quarter life]

Motivation & keeping to schedules can be very difficult for both children and adults with ADD/ADHD. Maybe start small by writing down a short list of chores that need doing on a daily basis. Everyone must pay their way...even if it is contributing with household duties. Procrastination can be vicious circle for those with ADD....just start small. Your daughter knowing what is expected of her will be half the battle won I think...worth a try.

Be kind & generous to yourself clw51.

[Deejay14]

I think the worst thing you can do is continue to do everything for her. Expect her to behave as an adult and get treatment for her issues. If she can't hold a job she would likely be eligible for benefits and health insurance through the state. Her illness means that she has to work harder than average to get things done, but that's what she has to do. I have PTSD and MDD but my daily routine cannot stop. Dishes and housework still need to be done and infact having that to do actually helps when things get activated. I always feel a bit better about myself if I can at least get the basics done. So tell her you recognize her problems but she is an adult and life doesn't stop especially with kids so she needs to be responsible for herself and the kids. I would also tell her that I was going out so she needs to be up to watch the kids and then follow through with it no matter what she says. Call it sanity time for you and your husband. Set some boundaries with her for your own well being and the long term well being of the kids. You have nothing to lose and everyone in the household will benefit. Even have some age appropriate expectations for the kids.

[clw51]

Originally Posted by Deejay14

I think the worst thing you can do is continue to do everything for her. Expect her to behave as an adult and get treatment for her issues. If she can't hold a job she would likely be eligible for benefits and health insurance through the state. Her illness means that she has to work harder than average to get things done, but that's what she has to do. I have PTSD and MDD but my daily routine cannot stop. Dishes and housework still need to be done and infact having that to do actually helps when things get activated. I always feel a bit better about myself if I can at least get the basics done. So tell her you recognize her problems but she is an adult and life doesn't stop especially with kids so she needs to be responsible for herself and the kids. I would also tell her that I was going out so she needs to be up to watch the kids and then follow through with it no matter what she says. Call it sanity time for you and your husband. Set some boundaries with her for your own well being and the long term well being of the kids. You have nothing to lose and everyone in the household will benefit. Even have some age appropriate expectations for the kids.

Thanks so much for this great advice. Your encouragement means so much!

[bates626]

Routine. Routine. Routine. Even if it is something small will be helpful. At least it is for me (I'm ADD). Start with small things like the dishes must be washed, or the floors sweeped. Something simple but yet routine that you can give her.

[clw51]

Originally Posted by bates626

Routine. Routine. Routine. Even if it is something small will be helpful. At least it is for me (I'm ADD). Start with small things like the dishes must be washed, or the floors sweeped. Something simple but yet routine that you can give her.

Thanks so much for this idea. However, I have tried to give my daughter something to do and she will just not do it whether I expect it of her or not. I have told her I expect her to do her own laundry, she doesn't and it is all over the bathroom floor overflowing from the hamper. Then I go in and do it because I can't stand it. I suppose I should just leave it which I did once. And when I did that she just moves it to on top of the washer and leaves it there. So now it is in the way of me doing my wash. I am about ready to just throw it in a tub in the garage, but then the kids wouldn't have any clothes either. I have separated the kids clothes from hers before and just done the kids laundry. I just hate to make drama in the house because then that stresses me out.

Our daughter struggles with sleeping too. She has been up now over 48 hours without sleep. Not good for her. She just can't sleep sometimes. And when she does sleep, she sleeps during the day and is up at night. She has always tended to be that way with her sleep, starting when she was just a kid.

She uses her ADHD as an excuse for "forgetting" to do what I asked her to do. It may be true, but it just seems very convenient that she doesn't try to to anything around the house. Or she says it makes her anxiety react for her to be put on a "time frame" to get something done. She can't handle it she says. So I am going to be very patient and go very slowly with her and just know I have an adult daughter I have to take care of for now. And I guess it doesn't help that I am the kind of person who sees something that needs to get done and I just do it. I am not as on top of things as I was when I was younger, but that is the way I am. I have my limits and once the house gets so cluttered or dirty I have to clean it. My daughter doesn't have that limit that I know of.

We talked to her yesterday about getting on state benefits for a food card and health insurance for her and the kids. And how it would really help us financially. She said she can't do that. It has never been a matter of applying and getting it done. She says something always makes it a big hassle that takes two months to get it done and her anxiety can't take that, so she refuses to do that again.

We did have nice talks yesterday about her desires in the living arrangements here. We are going to have to learn to set some boundaries with her for sure. I feel like we are caught between a rock and a hard place. Everything she needs costs lots of money we just don't have. So we are stuck.

Thanks for letting me vent.....

[Llama_Llama44]

She "can't do that"? She has to try to help herself here. If she is staying with you, it seems that you should be able to insist that she does certain things if she wants the privilege of staying there... including talking to a professional maybe, although that might be difficult monetarily.

[bates626]

"I can't" is completely different than "I won't" and she seems to be using "I can't" in place of "I won't"....

This is more directed to your duaghter than to you... But perhaps it will help you as well.

"I can't" is one of the most powerful mental things you can say.

"I won't" is almost just as bad. You are REFUSING to give something a shot to even try it. I can always accept when I fail, granted I take it hard, but I would rather fail than to have never even given it a shot. And even then you never say you can't do something. You always I don't know how. It is a learning experience, and there is always something to learn.

"If you do what you have always done, you'll get what you have always gotten." -Tony Robbins

So if you have always told yourself "I Can't" you never will. Changing a mindset is one of the hardest things to do. But just like learning to walk, or talk, or ride a bike you have to take it one step at a time. Instead of saying "I can't do the dishes." It should be, "I can do one dish."

"I am nothing."
Try looking in the mirror with sticky notes and READ THEM out loud to yourself, "I am strong." "I am beautiful." "I have ADD, but I CAN do this."

Make a quote book each night write one thing down. One thing that leaves your day on a positive note. In the morning READ that quote back to yourself to get a positive mind.

You say "I can't-" "I fail at-" and you are putting yourself in a bad mindset for the rest of day. I'm not saying doing everyday task is not difficult. But saying I can't.... well it blocks your potential.

You reach for the sky, the moon, or the stars your whole life. And while life throws curve balls, and gives lemons, and some paths are harder than others the second you say you can't do something you are setting yourself up for failure.

Your Daughter has to WANT to pull herself together, and sadly I am not getting that vibe from her from how you are posting. I could be dead wrong, and I am sorry for saying that. It takess time and it takes baby steps to get your head to think positively, which I feel she is a bit pessimistic. If she wants change to happesn she has to start with herself and her mindset.

That means she has to instead of saying I can't over and over to herself tell herself what she CAN do.

[Heckinsch00l]

You've just described my situation, except that my daughter is 34 and she brought 3 kids with her. I love them, but she's often too tired or doesn't feel well to drive them to school or pick them up or make dinner. And she has too much anxiety to get a job.
Her oldest, a 9-year-old boy has ADHD and is often late getting ready for school. The school is used to the kids always being late. The school is wonderful and knows what I have to deal with.

Originally Posted by clw51

Background:
My 29 year old daughter has recently been diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety and PTSD. It explains why she has never been able to hold a job, have a long lasting relationship and can't seem to be an independent adult. Over the years her Dad and I have been so upset with her thinking she was rebellious, lazy and immature. Why couldn't she just do what she was suppose to do.

Over the years she has two failed marriages and has one child from each marriage. They are back again, living with us because she couldn't get it together to pay her rent on time and was locked out of an apartment and then bounced from friend to friends house until she ran out of friends who would have them. So they ended up back with us.

She has only been out of our house maybe a total of 2 years of her 29 year old life. She has been back with us since November of 2017 this time and I saw real progress. She was kinder to us, more appreciative of what we do for them and she talked about really wanting to get better and it seemed she was really trying. So we got her to a Naturopathic Dr. she insisted on. She wouldn't go to a regular Dr. She has no insurance so it is all on our dime.

We are elderly and my husband needs to retire end of this year, but he feels he can't now with our daughter and the grand kids back again. So this is both a financial strain and an emotional strain on us.

Problem:
So I said all that so you would understand what I am about to ask. Our daughter was almost back to sleeping normal hours. She usually stays up all night and sleeps all day which puts strain on me to be the only adult care for the kids. Getting the older one to school and picking her up and all the meals etc. With our daughter sleeping all day she avoids all responsibility with her kids and doesn't spend much time with them. In fact she avoids all responsibility when she is up at night and sleeps during the day. She doens't have to deal with people either. I get stressed and overwhelmed being mom to the grandkids. I love the grandkids but they also have ADHD! Ages 7 and 4. The 4 year old boy has anger issues too.

Like I said she was almost back to normal hours and I don't know what happened. She said she couldn't sleep one night and the next thing you know her hours are all backwards again. So I asked her this morning as she was going to bed if there was anything I could do to help her in any way. Her answer was “No not that I know of, when I am out of it I am out of it.” I asked her if she was taking her medication when she was up at night She said “No, I don't remember to take it and I am almost out anyway and we can't get anymore.” Her attitude was what's the use, you can't afford to get me more anyway.

Now this is the thing. She is getting over $6000 tax refund. It seems to me that if she was sincere in getting better she would take some of the money and pay for the medical care she needs. But she is at home with Mom and Dad and she thinks we should cover that expense for her, after all we are her parents! She has never been good with money. I suggested she use some of this money for medication for herself and she got very upset I would mention it. She plans on getting herself new furniture for her room we are clearing out for her use. And makeup and clothes! I am sorry but I am very upset about that. She knows we can't afford her medical care especially when she had no insurance. We are doing all we can to help. Giving up a room in our little home for them and paying for what we can for them to live with us.

She won't work because the Dr said she was too stressed and needed to recover first. So she is doing that but if she won't take her meds she will recover so much slower. She doesn't do anything around the house to help either. This has been her behavior all these years whenever she was living at home. Generally not working and not helping around the house either.

So I don't know if I should be showing tough love and just not do her laundry and stop helping her. Or if this is really part of her mental issues and I need to be more patient and continue doing everything for her. She has always been a manipulator for getting what she wants and it doesn't help that as her parents we feel badly for what she is going through and tend to give in to her.

I just don't know what to do! Be firm, wake her up earlier in the day so she can get her hours switched around, don't do her laundry and when it piles up in the bathroom just throw it in the garage in a tub, etc? I just don't know how to handle this. It has been 10 years of her adult life dealing with her not doing what normal adults do. Its like having a forever 14 year old! Sorry I am just so frustrated!

Any insight is greatly appreciated!

[*Laurie*]

Yeah, your daughter needs to apply for Medicaid and any other benefits she's eligible for. She can also apply for disability.

[Shazerac]

Well... I hate using the word enable, but I’m going to. Your well meaning ”helping ” of her is only making easy for her to avoid taking responsibility for her life. You are in no way obligated provide a home for or support an adult child! It’s not your responsibility to find financial assistance for her. She needs to step up and do that herself.

You need to tell her flat out that you are not going to pay for her medical bills. When the kids wake up in the morning and she’s still in bed...put the kids in her room and shut the door. That will wake her up! It’s her job to take her children to school NOT yours. If she doesn’t take her pills and ends up staying up all night that’s HER problem not yours. Is she’s tired in the morning? so what? She has children to take care of.

Doing her laundry? Oh please. Just say no. If she leaves her dirty stuff laying in the bathroom just toss it back in her room. Same if shes leaving dirty laundry on the washing machine. Dump it on the floor or back in her room. I would stay strong with the children’s laundry and not do that either. Kids don’t care if their clothes are dirty. If the school says something refer them to that actual mother of the children. Let her get called on the carpet.

This may sound harsh. But If you continue to pick up the slack you are allowing and even helping her stay non Functional. If you do everything for her she has no incentive to take care of her responsibilities. This happens even with “normal” adult children.