[SeekerofLight]

Hi, I need advice ASAP! Long story short, my daughter is 15 and fairly recently dx'd with Aspergers. I had posted before about her coming to visit me this summer. I had sole custody of her for 10 years, absent father, no resources. 15 years ago no one knew how to dx Asperger's in girls, so she was misdiagnosed as bipolar.

I went through the usual, hard to discipline, hard to contain, difficulty in school, meltdowns, and a horrible time with potty training. I looked everywhere for answers and help, but found none. I took her to three different states for evaluations, social workers, therapists, psychiatrists, OT, etc. No one could or would help me. I finally asked the school social worker to visit my home and try to help me develop some strategies for organization and potty training. She came to my home, saw the chaos, and reported me to child protective services.

I have been accused of neglect, sexual abuse, alcholism, depression, anxiety, poor coping skills, not feeding her, and letting her raise herself. It was a nightmare, and I was to blame for ALL of her behavior.

In the end, they were in our lives for 5 years and removed her twice. The first time she was placed in a foster home and physically abused on a regular basis. It took months to get her out of that place! She came home and things were wonderful for awhile. Then she entered middle school and completely melted down.

Her grades suffered, she couldn't make friends, she was supposed to get an aide in the classroom but that never happened. She couldn't sit still, etc. Again CPS was called and again I was accused of things like sending her to school with dirty clothes and hair, and not feeding her. None of this was true.

They remained in our lives for 9 months, and were actually somewhat helpful. However, she still wasn't toilet training and my house was a disaster. I was instructed to remove all of the carpets in my home, which I had been doing by myself with fibromyalgia.

In the end, they felt that I wasn't making any progress with her, and removed her again. They fired her psychologist and psychiatrist, and sent her to live with my mother. She was placed in a new school where she received the one on one attention she needed, and she improved.

So in the end, everything was still blamed on me. My records state over and over that her behavior only happened in my home, therefore it was my fault. They lied. She had potty issues in school, in foster care, and in my mother's home, but they continued to deny it. She began losing weight and wetting her pants every day at 10 years old.

Then the scum of the earth crawled out of the woodwork and took me to court for custody. He presented as the ideal parent, active duty military, beautiful home in Hawaii, remarried with two children, one of whom is severely autistic and receiving lots of help from the military. Funny thing, our judge represented my ex in our divorce, and didn't recuse himself. I had a horrible attorney. In the end, I lost complete custody and was not given any visitation.

Cut to five years later, and I've only seen her a handful of times. Little by little things are coming out. My daughter is now "mother's little helper" and takes care of the autistic sister. She does the laundry for five people and housecleaning. She's also in high school taking 7 classes, 3 are AP. She has, in five years, gone on ONE sleep over and ONE school dance. She is completely isolated.

Discipline consists of spanking. She informed me that spanking the autistic sister is the only thing that works. Her sister also isn't potty trained at 7, but that's no big deal. She is completely out of control, and the parents do not supervise. Yet, no one calls CPS or blames the parents for her behavior.

My ex told me that my daughter uses Aspergers as a "crutch" and she needs to learn to behave normally so that she can go to college. Next year they are signing her up for driver's ed. She receives NO services at all. Her stepmother treats her like a "mini me". They read all the same books and watch the same shows and are best friends. The father, I'm told by my daughter, no longer spanks her but makes her clean and hold her hands over her head while standing for punishment. If her grades drop, no computer, tv, video games or ipod. She doesn't get them taken away for a weekend or a week, but indefinitely until she brings her grade up with her next report card.

So now she's here for 5 weeks. She told me the only time she sees her father is at the dinner table or when she's in trouble. She has no relationship with him. Her stepmother has panic attacks and high blood pressure and spends most of her time in the garage smoking and reading novels. My daughter is left in charge of the household all the time.

Here, she is loved, fed, talked with, parented, guided, and well cared for. She's very happy here. I took her for a hair cut, which she desperately needed, and my stylist could not believe how badly damaged her hair was. Her glasses are so scratched I don't know how she sees. Her body image is troubling, as she wears her bra 24/7 and won't take it off because it's embarrassing.

I want to file for emergency custody, but can't afford a lawyer. I don't know what to do. Her father and stepmother have been calling for days and she refuses to speak with them. Now I am receiving threatening texts and voicemails from my ex saying that if she doesn't call him he will end our visit.

What should I do????????

[-jimi-]

I don't know what you should do, but I feel for your daughter. Now she doesn't only have autism without any help, she also have a long stretch of trauma behind her. She's supposed to go back to that life and run a household? Poor thing.

If it was me I would record what she is saying about them and then file a complaint about child abuse. He has no right treating her like that. That is evil.

This is very sad, I read it and feel very emotional for your daughter, She has had a awful life, Something needs to be done, Will your daughter report this to the authorities? It is cruelty.

[gma45]

I think you should enjoy the five weeks you have with your daughter and not try to do anything. Just enjoy the time you have with her and let her father speak to her when he calls. You both have been through enough. Make some happy memories that you can both look back on and smile.

[SeekerofLight]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. Will just let it play itself out.

[insideout]

I think, CPS doesnt take kids away for no reason. All the allegations cannot be totally false.
I hope that you can try to learn from all of it, whether is was totally your fault, or just partially, and get some counseling and parenting classes.
I'm sure those services were set up by CPS for you back then.
Unfortunately, a court isn't going to award custody to someone who has such an extensive history of substantiated allegations.

I think your daughter needs to be in therapy ASAP because if she isn't, that is also neglect of her mental health needs.

I hope you can heal and take some responsibility for what you may have done to contribute to these problems.

Blaming everyone else only worsens the situation and distances you from your daughter.
She needs a voice and an advocate and that's what CPS is there for. Her safety and well being is what's important, and I hope she can heal from the unfortunate events she was forced to endure.

Only a professional can help you sort all this out.
But if you suspect child abuse or neglect, you must report it.
If your mother took care of her before, and she improved in that environment, maybe the courts can arrange that.

And you dont need a lawyer... Legal aid can usually help you out.
Moving the child around, though, is traumatizing in itself....
So it's best if CPS asseses the situation.
Good luck .

[SeekerofLight]

Wow, thanks for that load of ********. You are no better than the incompetant DCF workers. Do your research. Do you have Aspergers? www.help4aspergers.com.

Thanks ever so much for blaming ME, just as everyone else has. You have no idea how hard I've advocated for my child. None. God bless you.

[SeekerofLight]

This is for those of you who have your heads in the sand. Please take the time to read it, and pray this never happens to you!
http://www.corruptct.com/dcf-cps/inf...e-dirty-deeds/

[LivingProof123]

You love your daughter a lot. I respect that.

He's hurting your daughter.

He already hurt you, now he's going to hurt your daughter.

Don't sit back and do nothing. Do what's best for HER.
What would benefit her?
If it is keeping her, despise the consequences, do it.
She clearly isn't happy at your ex's house, and she isn't safe.

Protect her. Everything you got.

You have my blessing. Good luck.

[-jimi-]

I have no idea why they took her, but you seem willing to just let her go after her summer vacation. I find that sad. You give her a glimmer of hope and then you send her back to her Cinderella situation. Please speak up for her if you think she is abused, as she cannot do that on her own.

[SeekerofLight]

No, I am absolutely NOT willing to send her back. I came here for advice and support, and got the same crap I've always gotten. I am shocked, jimrat. You seem reasonable. I've been fighting "the system" for so long, and I'm not about to give up now. I will do everything that I can to protect my daughter. Sorry if I did not make that clear.

[-jimi-]

Maybe I misunderstood? I thought You agreed with the poster above when you said to let it just play out, like fine.. It sounded like a passive approach.

I'm sorry if I read you wrong.

[SeekerofLight]

No, you didn't read me wrong. It's hard to explain, but when I read that comment, it was like being victimized all over again. I've had many years of counseling, but a trauma like that, you just never get over.

Anyway, I was all prepared to delete my account, then I read the guidelines. I guess you really should read that stuff first! We are not allowed to delete posts or account without DocJon's permission. The posts are there forever and searchable. Bummer.

I guess I really have no one to talk to. There are no asperger's counselors or support groups in my area. I've made so many phone calls that my head is spinning.

I'm pretty far into "Aspergirls" and it's a big help. I can attest that there hasn't been a lot of research or support for girls. Let's hope that turns around soon!

[-jimi-]

I'm a little confused now...

But I think I think something like this... even if I'm an adult I feel more like someone's kid than anything. I don't have any kids so I sort of feel with the kid. I really don't understand your needs as a parent, I will admit to that. I didn't mean to sound accusatory, it just felt scary knowing she well go back to her old environment.

You say there are no Asperger groups, does that mean no autism groups as well? I assume so, or they could maybe help.

I'm not a fan (at all), of Autismspeaks, but they have some people really knowing ALL the laws and regulations which could come in handy.

Also... when someone says something dumb online, sometimes people misunderstand or just blurt something out. I know it does feel like bad treatment in the past, but those here are your peers, no more no less. They have no real influence over your life, they are not in power of everything. I know it is hard to just ignore some stuff people say, but try, if it is of no help.

Your situation is sort of way too complex to try to give any straight advice, but I hope things will work out for you and your daughter finally.

[SeekerofLight]

Thanks so much for offering your opinion. I truly appreciate it.

I used to know how to communicate with my daughter. But that was five years ago. The little person in my house right now is a completely different creature. She's passionate about things to which I cannot relate, like Anime and RPG. Her "boyfriend" speaks with two different, conflicting personalities, one okay, the other named Lucifer who is kind of pushy.

I'm trying very hard to understand and communicate with her. I'm not really used to the bluntness and literal speaking. She is, however, attempting to explain it to me.

There was, at one time, a support group in my area, but sadly I found out that it disbanded due to lack of interest. I did call an Autism group on the other side of the state, and they gave me a referral to an autism clinic. I've left a message for them. Still waiting for her old counselor to call me back with a referral.

Jimrat, let me ask you a question: I know that you all have a difficult time with change and transition. Many times in the past I've asked her if she wanted to come live with me, and she always no, that her dad won't allow it. Should I just file the court papers anyway? I've always wanted it to be her decision. After all, if she tells the judge she doesn't want to move here, he will probably rule against me.

Any ideas?

[SeekerofLight]

OMG!!!!!! I just got the most amazing news!!!! I talked with the court and legal services this morning. It turns out that 5 years ago the judge never filed the orders, so the last orders the court has are the ones giving me sole physical and legal custody!!! I never lost custody afterall! I absolutely cannot believe that she lived through that hell for 5 years for nothing! So now, I don't have to send her back, or be intimidated by my ex!! Woohoo!

[-jimi-]

Wow, that is a very unexpected turn. I bet you go through two feelings right now, being excited and being teed off about the unnecessary hassle and suffering. I'm not a counselor, but don't suppress anger in this if you have any. If you let it happen and feel it now instead of later it might cleanse itself out and leave you with a more pure feeling of hope for the future.

Good luck.

And for changes... they are hard. When I travel, I pass the city I used to live in. If I go by train, I'm actually passing through the city itself. Even if it is ages ago, it still causes strong feelings if I let it, so I sort of go to another place in my head. The way I could ever move was making a clean break, and the train ride doesn't allow much of that. But... it's fine, it doesn't kill me.

Who is this mysterious devilish BF?

[SeekerofLight]

Well, I was told yesterday by the Family Court Magistrate that the ruling will be on the court transcript, even if it was never filed. He said the other thing I can do is file an ex parte emergency custody order.

Funny thing, or not so funny, but after reading Aspergirls, I found a whole lot of myself in there. I have no idea what to do about this. Should I mention it to my psychiatrist? I've never had neuropsych testing done. Maybe I should just forget about it?

Anyway, I'm getting worried about my daughter's boyfriend. He's back home at her father's house. I feel awful about this, but I've been reading their conversations, (she leaves them open on my computer). Anyway, up to now it's just been about art and writing. Then all of a sudden "Lucifer" starts posting. He's having a conversation with his "other" self, and they are harrassing my daughter. The conversation turned to suicide, and she was telling them about a friend who she tried to talk out of it, and how it bothered her so much she had to stop talking to him. Lucifer says to her, did you fail? And the other one says, maybe suicide is the way to go.

Clearly this boy is a problem. Any advice on how to talk with her about it without revealing that I've read her mail?

Thanks!

[-jimi-]

I can see my granddad had been an aspie, and the way his mom was described, she might have had some traits. My dad has a few traits, although he wouldn't reach up to the diagnosis, however I think his brother would. My mom has a few autistic traits and quite a bit of ADD traits. Even if neither of my parents could be diagnosed autism/Asperger's, I can sure see what this is coming from.

[SeekerofLight]

It's amazing, isn't it? I gave Aspergirls to my sister to read, and she said she could see a lot of herself in it too.

[SeekerofLight]

She's gone. Her dad led us through a weave of lies. There was a loud knock on my door at 10pm this evening. It was a police officer, telling me that her dad was here, and was taking her home. He flew hundreds of miles. all the while lying to us, only to snatch her from me at 10pm. Fortunately, the cops were completely on my side, but he had a court order. He flew all the way here, unannounced, to take my daughter. She was like a little robot, packing her things, saying she's moved so many times she's used to it. The police officer was so sweet and so apologetic, saying they tried everything to prevent this, and that he was clearly crazy and didn't have her best interest in mind. So she packed her things, while I cried as softly as I could. She gave me a huge hug and said she was sorry. She said her dad said that she wouldnbe able to talk to me for awhile.