Dated someone with Aspergers

I just recently broke up with a very nice lady with Asperger's. We were together for 18 months. It was a tough breakup.

When I first met her, I barely knew what Asperger's was. Over time, I noticed traits in her and her son that I just could not figure out. It was just things such as they had no friends at all. They were very preoccupied with a routine and specific topics, etc. They could be very rigid on things that we could do. We could not go anywhere noisy, no bright lights, no radio, no tv, etc. Her son who really liked me, never said a word to me in the 18 months we dated. He would play with me, laugh and we had lots of fun but not one word. He would only talk to his mom and no one else.

The first thing though that was a problem for me is her "shut downs". The first time it happened, I almost called an ambulance. We were talking and suddenly she stopped everything and just sat there. Would not say a word and then walked over to my couch and layed in the fetal position. I got very scared and thought something happened. I tried talking to her and she barely would respond and then walked up to my guest room and stayed in there all night. This happened several times during our relationship and it caused a lot of stress (for me at least).

Some well meaning friends met her and her son and told me at one point they could see Asperger's traits. I then studied up on the subject and everything made sense. I them decided to try harder and understand what she and her son must be going through.

Sadly we broke the relationship off. I just could not deal with the mood swings because I never knew what to expect. She is a warm, sensitive woman and I will miss her. I wish I was a stronger person and could have accepted her for who she is.

i can tell you are feeling a bit guilty for not feeling strong enough to deal with this relationship. i admire you for educating yourself on the symptoms so you could better cope with her and her son. but it is challenging to have a relationship with someone with mental health issues and it comes to a point where you have to make a decision and you made the one that was best for you. i do not feel you are being selfish. you deserve happiness in your life and relationships are hard enough. thank you for caring as long as you did.

Kaliope,

Thanks for the nice response. I tried really hard but again, the mood swings were very hard for me to deal with. A couple of times she had outbursts that just came out of nowhere. The first time she had an outburst, it caught me off guard completely. She then calmed down and started crying. I felt very sorry for her and was completely confused (this was before my friends told me about her Asperger's traits).

She seemed to be in denial about her son also. He has every trait of Asperger's but she would always say things like, "I wonder why he does that?". I once mentioned to her that maybe seeing a mental health specialist would answer some questions about her son and she wanted no part of it. It was almost like she knew, but was in denial.

I don't know. I really fell in love with her but just could not deal with it anymore. She deserves to be loved....

I have Aspbergers and Bipolar, so finding someone who will understand me was/is hard. I really hate how almost everything bothers me, it actually makes me feel guilty to be who I am(which obviously doesn't help). My ex husband was not sensitive at all. I had the most and worst meltdowns and rapid cycles, really low depressive episodes in my life when I was married to him--for 10 years! I felt completely broken when we were done. He was not like you at all though. He refused to understand or even accept that anyone has mental illness/disorders. He always said that it's "all in your head" and I was overly dramatic.

For you to actually educate yourself and try to make it work means a lot. You are a very good person. Don't blame yourself, she isn't. Any relationship takes work. Perhaps it could work out at a later time.

I know what helps me now with my bf is to be incredibly open and honest about what bothers me. I can tell when most meltdowns or episodes will occur, so I try to warn him. He knows not to take it personally and to just ride it out. I am incredibly grateful for that. Even if you do not get back with her, you helped her a lot for the time being.

Coffeebuzzbuzz,

Everyone deals with things. I have battled depression since my divorce 11 years ago. It comes and goes but I definitely fight it. I have a cousin that is bipolar and is one if the finest people I know (he is kind, honest and a wonderful father). I have a neighbor that as hard as he tries, cannot get over losing his wife to cancer. Everyone has a story and a struggle.

It sounds like you have a wonderful bf and you are wonderful for being honest with him.

Thank you to everyone that has responded to me on this.

I'm in a relationship with someone who has Aspergers right now. It hasn't always been easy coping with the relationship yo-yoing between being around each other a lot and him needing lots of space suddenly. I have separation anxiety as it is and I'm unsure how he ever plans to get married and have children if he really needs as much space as he often appears to need. He doesn't really know or understand his needs so it's a bit anxiety inducing to be around him and not know if he's getting enough alone time (because he will not communicate about that or enforce boundaries, leaving me to guess) so as not to have a meltdown and then abandon me.

I'm just so confused as to what he wants or needs as he practically demands to be subservient to my needs, even if it causes a meltdown and won't tell me until after the fact.

Also, I've been struggling to get him to understand my level of anxiety (just in general, not over the relationship itself). He's experienced some anxiety before and believes if he can just muscle his way through all of his issues, then I should be able to too. And to not push through, say, a major panic attack and *gasp* remove myself from the situation, well that's unacceptable! I don't know how to explain to him that not everyone is exactly like him and can deal with things like he apparently can. It's like he doesn't realize that other people are different from him.

And I probably just made him sound awful…but he really isn't. Deep down he's a wonderful man, but Aspergers seems to create a "wall" between his intentions and what he actually says/does which makes him occasionally seem cold, aloof, mean etc. It's looking past that wall that gets me through those moments.

I really feel for those who have Aspergers who want to have a relationship with someone. Deep down most are wonderful people but the quirks of Aspergers sometimes makes them not seem that way…or just makes them SO hard to understand sometimes. I just can't believe it took him 31 years to find someone that could love him for who he is…most girls he dated broke up with him within weeks. He's the nicest guy I've ever known and I can't believe no one else saw that.

Are any of these people with Aspergers on any medications?

My reason for asking is my son has Aspergers and mild retardation and an auditory processing disorder and now OCD. He is currently not on any medicine but that is more then likely going to change this month.

He does have a girlfriend who also has some mental issues and is blind. They seem to get along ok. If she does not get her way she crys and he gives in.

I don't think you should feel guilty for breaking up with your girlfriend. You educated yourself and you tried. Most people know a days do not try. For a lot of people when the going gets tough they walk out the door.

I think that's also why the divorce rate is so high. Relationships take work on both parts. And has you grow in your relationship things might change and you need to be willing to change with them.

I wish you much happiness and the right person is out there for you.

Good luck

Cakeladie,

My former GF and her son are not on any meds. I am by no means an expert but I don't think meds is necessary. My understanding is Asperger's is what it is. From what I have read, the people that accept that they have it, seem to cope the best. I have accepted the fact that I deal with depression at times and that in itself makes it easier to deal with.

Thanks for the kind words. I tried very hard to make the relationship work but I just could not do it anymore.

I know exactly what you mean. I really feel for my former GF also. She is sweet and kind and so wants a nice relationship with someone. But I found it to be so hard to deal with the shutdowns and meltdowns. I just did not know what to expect next.

You mentioned "aloof" and it reminded me of one of the first things I noticed. We were talking one night and she suddenly started talking very slowly. I would ask her a question, and she would hesitate a long time and then answer. It was like she was somewhere else.

What I personally struggled with was trying to figure all of this out. Why did she act like this? What was going on? I think if my friends would not have told me that they noticed Asperger's traits, I may have never gotten to the bottom of it.

I believe my husband is on the ASD and has Aspergers. I have said this for years, but we are at the breaking point in our marriage and it is do or die. So we are looking into getting help.

It is very hard. I don't know where I stand a lot of times because we have communication issues. I am hoping that our love for each other and sheer determination, along with getting help, will get us going again.

Hi CrewCut, thanks for your story. I think maybe she was actually further on the autism spectrum than Asperger's, her son even more so. Asperger's is "almost normal" or like many people would say "nerdy". Although it is also a form of autism, it is the least "pervasive" as psychology would say. I think your lady friend and her son may be more autistic. But, that's just my opinion though.

Also, what may seem hidden are other co-morbid conditions like depression for example. Having no friends for example can actually have a depressive effect. Even though it's part of our nature to not have many friends, it doesn't mean we are happy with it like that. I had depression in the past because I couldn't form relationships of any real significance.

You know, it's really strange…my boyfriend is the one that's social and has plenty of friends and is trying to teach me (the supposed neurotypical) how to socialize. I never got that…I supposedly just have social anxiety. But yeah, I know what you mean about it making you depressed. I'm always lonely and lapse in and out of depression because I'm so lonely. It's also harder to give my boyfriend the space he needs because that means I have to be alone and isolated. He's the only one I really connect with or feel very comfortable around (I'm still anxious around him as well because I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing).

And I'd also agree that Aspergers is high functioning and it's possible to be lower functioning and still verbal. I've worked with special needs kids and I've seen everything from Aspergers to low functioning non verbal. And now that you mention it, it does sound possible that this woman and her son could be a little lower on the spectrum than just Aspergers…but none of us are doctors nor do we know them in real life. I just hope she gets help at least for her son, if not for herself. The more intervention when they are younger, the more functional they are as an adult from what I've seen.

Hi StbGuy,

I hate to use the term "normal", as not to offend anyone with Autism or Asperger's but at times, she came across as completely normal. Her lifestyle is unique, no friends, very isolated, only spends time with her son, etc. But that in of itself is really nothing out of the realm of "normal". It was the shutdowns and meltdowns that caught me off guard though. And that is what I found to be not normal (in my eyes at least).

Also, she could have short depressive episodes that may only last a day but she would look extremely depressed and exhausted. The depressive episodes seem to go hand-and-hand with a s shutdown.

She would do good in social situations but I could see that she was very uncomfortable with them and she would look exhausted after. I think she found social interaction to be stressful.

Her son was non-verbal except with her. He would talk to nobody except he may answer a question with a "Yes" or "No".

One of the things that really bothered me early on (before I suspected they may be on the spectrum) is that I talked to her about her shutdowns. I asked her after (a shutdown) what happened and she just brushed it off that it was nothing. I told her I was very concerned because she just stared off into space and would not say a word. She still thought it wasn't a big deal. She really seemed to be in denial.

What would have helped me immensely if she would have been forthcoming about it. I am not sure if that would have saved the relationship but at least things would have made more sense for me. I spent months trying to figure out why they (her and her son) were acting this way. I knew very little about Autism or Aspergers at the time. But, if she is truly in denial, she would not be able to be forthcoming anyway. Very sad situation.

I can tell you despite all of the challenges with this relationship, and ultimately the breakup, she is such a sweet person. I kept telling myself to see past her behavior and concentrate on the wonderful person. But I just could not do it...

I have always wondered if her family has ever stepped in to help? She is not real close to her family but they all seem like caring people.

No offence taken. I know I'm not normal, never will be. I don't know if I speak for myself perhaps, but it's not something "bad" for me, I kinda like being different. I think most of us would say ourselves that we are not "normal".

Yes, those shutdowns/meltdowns are very characteristic of autism. I have Asperger's I reckon, and personally, I've never really had a meltdown as such (I've had bad moments). It's different for everyone. The autistic adult is also very difficult to place on the spectrum, because everyone has a personal capacity to learn how to fit in socially to varying degrees. My learned behaviour makes me pretty much "normal" socially (vs. when I was a boy) and I've grown in confidence with time, I verbalize almost spontaneously, conversation is pretty good, but all this only came with exposure at places like university, etc. where I got to "practice". With time and age I think one moves up in functioning, but it's because you're learning all the time. You're not going to continue making the same social mistakes if you can understand it doesn't work and you've learnt the "solution". Autistic adults are hard to fathom out, because adulthood smooths it out, just like most problems really.

Yes, they are very tolling on the autistic individual for sure.

Yeah, pretty much, it's very hard work, you're right. Remember, we have to learn how to interact with people and then constantly apply it. It doesn't come natural. All that thinking and consideration during a social setting is very tiring. It's not spontaneous for us, we have to think about everything we want to say and show.

I have avoided many social situations because I just couldn't think of something to say at that moment, so I would walk a wide turn around that person for example so that they don't see me. I just cannot think of anything at that moment.

Yeah, that doesn't sound like Asperger's, it sounds pretty middle to far on the spectrum.

Yeah, this is always hard to explain to people, but it just doesn't work like that. You see, we know as little about our condition as the next person. Each case is unique. She's been trying to figure it out herself, her entire life. It took you months, it took her years.

It's really hard to explain the feeling it creates. You know there is something unusual with you, because you can sense it from the reactions of others toward you, but you don't know why. You don't know what you're "doing wrong" to cause this rift either.

I have the condition and I can't even explain it to you, because I don't have a frame of reference as to what a "normal" me should be. I don't know what I should know about me, because I don't know what's missing. I can't sense or see that. All I know is, I'm not normal because people aren't responding to me like they respond to normal people, and I have weird/different talents nobody else has.

Before I read the diagnostic criteria in the DSM V/IV, I would not even have been able to explain in English what my behavioural characteristics were. It's hard putting into words what you don't really understand.

The best she could have probably managed would have been "I'm weird/different/strange" and that's it.

About the shutdowns, I don't even think she can explain it to herself. How do you put it into words for someone else to understand when you don't even know yourself why these things are happening to you?

It's quite sad, right. Most people on the spectrum are highly caring, loving, feel extremely intensely and deeply, and are extremely gifted at something unusual yet potentially valuable. Most are very creative too. If people only knew what was hidden beneath this external shell of social difficulties, it would change their lives. Sadly, most will probably never be discovered for who they really are and can be, and are buried under a thick layer of ridicule for not being normal enough to "function" in society, thereby limiting the person to a zero basically.

This is why most of us have depression. We can see and feel exactly how people feel towards us, and there isn't really anything we can do to change their minds about us. We would love so much just to reach out and show people something special, if only people would let us. Instead, we are encouraged to "back off" and told it'd be best for us to simply quit, leave the "normal people" alone because our weird attention and attachment freaks them out, and rather not cause any more discomfort in their lives and any more trouble. It becomes an extremely heartbreaking, painful and lonely existence.

The thing is, there actually doesn't exist such a concept. With autism, it is what it is, there is no "stepping in" and "helping". There is nothing "wrong" in the first place. Trying to change autistic to neurotypical is not an "improvement", and besides, it will never happen.

People misunderstand autism completely. It's not a "disorder" (despite it being defined as one in it's name). It's simply a deviation from the "norm".

There is an assumption, that "norm" is automatically "correct" and a deviation from that is some kind of error that needs to be "fixed". If you view autism that way, you'll never ever be able to truly understand it for what it is.

There was a person once who described it very well in my opinion, it's like having another operating system on a computer:

Normal/neurotypical - Windows
Autism - Mac

I find that analogy very illustrative in trying to explain it to someone.

StbGuy,

Thank you for your insight. I have read your response several times.

StbGuy,

I guess my point is that once I knew that I have depression, it made it easier for me to deal with it. I have always wondered if she knew that she is on the spectrum, that it would easier for her to deal with.

The two computer operating systems comparison is a perfect example!

Thanks! Ummm...it's actually rather difficult to say whether a formal ASD diagnosis makes it easier to deal with or not.

For me, I think it helped to lift my depression. It changed the very negative view I had of myself (I felt like I was a mistake, I was wrong and not put together properly, which is very depressing) into acceptance of myself for who I am. It explained all these things that I believed was "wrong" with me, and I realized I was just different, and not some kind of mistake.

Finding out does not alleviate the condition I would say, but it gives understanding and closure mostly, which then may alleviate co-morbid conditions like depression and anxiety for example. But, it still takes time I found.

It reduces the confusion (and resulting negative thoughts) about one's own self basically.

It's at this point where a very difficult decision lies for the autistic individual, once the diagnosis is known.

That decision is:

(a) Do I go for some kind of cognitive therapy in order to minimize and iron out the autistic traits, in order to become more functioning and "normal" like society deems is good? or,

(b) Do I embrace my being different and allow myself the freedom to use my very valuable and unique traits to bring about something in the world which nobody else can, rather than spending my time trying to integrate functionally and normally into society?

Each choice is going to have consequences, some good and some very detrimental. If you go with choice a, that's all good and well, but you have to remember you will never truly be normal and it's going to be very hard work for many years. But, eventually, you'll pretty much be a fully-fledged card-carrying member of society, with all the social benefits thereof, etc. If you go with choice b, you pretty much have to realize you are going to be isolated and lonely, and it's pretty much the high-risk option. But with great risk can come great reward and it is possible to have a world-changing effect with your life (e.g. most of the "mad scientists" of centuries gone past were on the spectrum).

It's always going to be a tough choice and it will solely depend on the individual. Sometimes, depending on how far you are on the spectrum, you may not even be able to choose either, someone might have to make that choice for you. It can become very difficult indeed.

I want to take a moment and correct you. "Stepping In" with children who are diagnosed with autism does help. ASD causes developmental delays with motor skills and speech and language as well as sensory processing/integration issues and deficits with social communication. Occupational, Speech and Language and Behavior therapy can improve adaptive functioning in children with ASD especially if started early. A person with autism will always have autism but there are many therapies and interventions that can lesson the gap with certain skill deficits and improve social communication and lesson sensory issues.

My son has autism and I teach students with autism. My entire life is about "stepping in" to help.

If you choose choice a above. That's all it means. I stated there were two roads to choose, each with pros and cons.

Mistress,

In my limited exposure to Autism/Asperger's, it is my understanding that social skills don't come natural and need to be taught. That is why I wondered if a family member has ever approached her on it.

I never once brought up Autism or Asperger's to her but based on things she said, she was in complete denial. Before I realized they were on the spectrum, I did bring up the behavior of her son and asked her if she ever had him see a therapist. She wanted no part of that.

I on the other hand am a big advocate of therapy or whatever positive steps it takes to help live a good life.

As tough as this breakup has been, I can take some solace in that I have learned a lot about life on the spectrum, and the challenges that come with it.

Well that does make sense, though I've also heard of some 'stepping in' that sounds really excessive and stressful for the child. like 40 hours a week of intense 'act more normal' based therapy something like that I could see as being more detrimental. But I don't see much wrong with helping with things they struggle with whilst still letting them be a kid which from the sound of it is more what you do.

But yeah I have heard of treatments geared more towards making them appear more normal on the outside...and 40 hours on top of school or whatever else they do which I cannot help cringing at. Or treatments to stop/force behaviors that are either non-harmful in the case of stopping, or very uncomfortable with forcing. Like I have heard of autistic kids being forced not to 'stim' at all, when that is something that helps autistics process, reduces stress and at least in my case it seems to help me focus.

I have trouble with eye contact even to this day...but I cannot help thinking being 'forced' to make normal eye contact at all times as a kid would have been more traumatic than helpful. It's not as simple as 'not wanting to' it is very uncomfortable and almost painful also makes it hard to focus.

So I settle for that I can make more eye contact with people I know...and for new people or ones I don't know I can look towards them but not actually make eye contact. Basically as a kid I could have had people try and train that out of me...when really its not something that harms me or others all that much so there are probably more important battles to work on.

From some of the comments here, I see people still don't get what autism truly is all about. I guess if people don't want to learn something, then they won't either.

Seeing as I sit "on the other side of the fence" as someone once so eloquently put it, all I see is the ingrained, conditioned desire of being "normal" having permeated so deeply into every living fibre of people, that it becomes impossible to fathom any reality which is different to that. It is truly easier to fit a camel through the eye of a needle.

I find it scary and ironic that the word "denial" coincidentally pops up constantly in this discussion.

I get what autism is truly about. I live and breathe it every day with my son and my students. There is no desire on my part to make him or them "normal". As someone with MI, I don't even subscribe to the notion of being "normal". I just strive to help my son and students bridge the gap their deficits create so that they can be successful with whatever they chose to do and hopefully be accepted for simply being themselves.