[dwr3]

Even though I was practicing a lot, mainly while working with people, keeping an eye contact for me - especially during conversations with less known ones, because the ones that know me got used to it - is like someone throws a heavy stone in my stomach. I don't really know, how to describe it, but it's just very, very overwhelming thing, like a wave, maybe. It makes me feel exhausted after a while. I get so emotional while speaking, that my eyes automatically go down and it makes me look stressed and vulnerable. On the other hand, I have a really weird, "strong" gaze and when I look at someone while he speaks, I know I tend to look very hostile. This is also about my body gesture. When I was 10 my mother's friend told me I'm a really fake, ungenuine person, because I don't make an eye contact. I feel bad with the thought that people think I'm fake and it bothers me. For example, today I was visiting my friend in a beauty salon, the women who work there are her friends, and it was very noisy and chaotic, so I was making all the possible mistakes during conversation bc I couldn't get it together and they were asking a lot of questions, and the friends was talking about me and I couldn't focus, so then I had this thought "They're gonna tell her I'm not a good person and she shouldn't be friends with me". I had actually have many interpersonal meetings last three days and today I just felt sick and agitated, so I need to take a break. It's hard for me to watch myself during such situations, because I see how bad I'm doing exactly. Or I don't see that and worry about what I've missed.

[Skeezyks]

Hello dwr3: The Skeezyks is an older, very solitary person nowadays. But I can recall, years ago, how self-conscious I always was around other people. Growing up, as a young child, manners were of great significance to my mother & her extended family. It was very important to say the right thing in the right situation & to do things in the proper way. I lived in fear of having to perform in some social situation. One of my greatest fears was to have to introduce people to one another. I was always scared to death I'd get it wrong! As I grew into my teenage years & young adulthood, quite a bit of that went by the wayside. But interpersonal relations have always still been a challenge for me... which is part of the reason I now just keep to myself...

[Talthybius]

When I came out of social isolation, I was very surprised on how much eye contact people make with me, and probably with everyone else.

And how much I look away, always, automatically, unconsciously. Now, I consciously force myself to make eye contact. Especially when someone is sitting next to me and we work on something, they look for me to make eye contact as I speak, it seems. But I look straight ahead. So now I have to practice looking sideways. I don't know what it does for them, what it makes them feel. Every time I do it, I expect them to look away as I make eye contact. They look at my cheek or side of my head, I turn towards them, and they look away. But they don't. They want eye contact. It's just normal people that you work with on a daily basis.

I am not sure if people around me feel better than I make eye contact with them.
I always have this idea I look mad, or too intense, or aloof, or give off bad vibes.

Don't know, really.

My psychologist said that if I don't know something, I should just ask them, and reveal my weakness. Not sure about that. But I guess there's some truth about it, especially if you feel you give off bad vibes if they misinterpret you.

[dwr3]

I'm trying to control myself not to be too obsessive and not to say things that other people find offensive without any reason (I kind of lack the sense of what's appropriate and not, I just say what comes to my mind in whatever tone of voice, because it's like I don't care for the voice tone and things like that, but other people, unfortunately, do. For example, yesterday I drove my family car that's been repaired and the change of one small part made it wild and fast, and I got so excited, as driving is tough for me and excites me like a kid, that I just wanted to tell everyone about it and almost did which was a bit weird and looked like boasting around).
However, yesterday I was at this big party inside a forest with a group of people I used to stick with since high school, and everyone was pretty nice to me, so I wasn't thinking so much about whether I keep the eye contact, or not. I don't feel the need to be so self conscious around people that know me for a long time, it's more stressful with strangers or some official meetings. There are also particular people that make me more stressed than the others.

[LucyD]

I, too, have been told about my eye contact being hostile looking. I don't know what I look like to others but feel very self conscious, too. I don't like having a lot of contact with people because of this and really don't any more. But you are not in a position to just stop having contact with people. It's harder for you. Someone once suggested to me that I not look directly into people's eyes but to the left of right of their eyes a bit and that they wouldn't really know you aren't making eye contact. I hope things will get better for you and realize what a hard time you have with this.

[dwr3]

Well, I sometimes give up on human interaction, too. It kinda comes in waves, I'm not good at solving conficts and often have troubles with interpreting behaviours of other people, very quickly get overwhelmed. I have this group of people that I stick with, we know each other since high school or even primary school with some, and we always kind of come back to eachother.For example, I haven't been seeing those people nearly the whole past year and focused on my job only. Years before, I would often cut them off for periods of time. This year we started hanging out again and it's always like that. I'm happy I can come back to them and still they're mostly nice.

[PrairieCat]

Originally Posted by dwr3

Even though I was practicing a lot, mainly while working with people, keeping an eye contact for me - especially during conversations with less known ones, because the ones that know me got used to it - is like someone throws a heavy stone in my stomach. I don't really know, how to describe it, but it's just very, very overwhelming thing, like a wave, maybe. It makes me feel exhausted after a while. I get so emotional while speaking, that my eyes automatically go down and it makes me look stressed and vulnerable. On the other hand, I have a really weird, "strong" gaze and when I look at someone while he speaks, I know I tend to look very hostile. This is also about my body gesture. When I was 10 my mother's friend told me I'm a really fake, ungenuine person, because I don't make an eye contact. I feel bad with the thought that people think I'm fake and it bothers me. For example, today I was visiting my friend in a beauty salon, the women who work there are her friends, and it was very noisy and chaotic, so I was making all the possible mistakes during conversation bc I couldn't get it together and they were asking a lot of questions, and the friends was talking about me and I couldn't focus, so then I had this thought "They're gonna tell her I'm not a good person and she shouldn't be friends with me". I had actually have many interpersonal meetings last three days and today I just felt sick and agitated, so I need to take a break. It's hard for me to watch myself during such situations, because I see how bad I'm doing exactly. Or I don't see that and worry about what I've missed.

Your mother's friend when you were 10 was an a-hole for saying that to you! That person was not really a friend of your mother's nor yours. That was a terrible thing to say to a child. Dismiss it if you can. It was long ago and it is not necessarily true. Try to not watch yourself so closely, try to just be yourself and not worry about what anyone might say. They are imaginings. Dump them if you can. Just be. Hugs to you!

[dwr3]

Well, maybe friend is a big word, but we were living abroad at that time and they were our neighbours of the same nationality.

I heard a lot of this stuff in the past. My mother's brother and my family in general, were ostracizing me because I didn't like other kids and didn't want to play with that brother's son, instead I felt very overwhelmed and angry because he was touching and moving all of my things in the room and causing general chaos. I was told to be raised badly, was told that I'm unkind and bad since a very early age. My family is very disfunctional (http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...nal-abuse.html) and I was never comforted or anything like that, even when I was severly depressed as a kid or heavily bullied (for everything, the way I walk, talk, look, for my nationality, sexuality and hundreds of other things), no one has ever helped me to recognize my possible autistic traits. My grandfather seems very autistic and his life is devoted to his obsessions, my father also has some traits (and ADD, too), so there were times that I thought it's all normal (but I'm kinda happy my dad is this way, even if he doesn't do anything about it, we still can laugh about some weird behaviours and I don't feel like the only weirdo here). In the middle school, I was often tricked because of my naivety, people in the corridors were sometimes calling me "A robocop" for my gait. Sometimes someone would ask me if I have sth wrong with my leg because "I'm walking like that Bryan", even though I haven't.
I'm a 21 year old attractive woman right now and I still hear this stuff. "She's mean, it's her character" "You're so stiff". Also, I must look pretty overwhelmed. I had a situation at a club, where some woman would approach me and grab my hands (I think she was a bit high) and tell me I'm beautiful but I'm really sick and I got stress (It was so weird!). I suspect I may have dispraxia.

[dwr3]

Also, I want to add something on my relationships with people, because I see a pattern.

I usually have long breaks between voluntary social interactions. I think about how I act, read all the stuff about social cues, keeping boundaries, then I start to miss people and decide to hang out, so I contact people. I control myself, try keeping it clear, look confident, try to stay alert and present, not say too much inappropriate stuff, stare too much or not to dissociate and look into space for too long due to getting overwhelmed. And after a few times, I start to get TOO overwhelmed and uncertain, I get clumsy, tired, start to mumble instead of speaking clearly, stare into space or say something weird due to getting less self conscious or less inhibited. My thoughts get messy and finally there comes a moment I feel I need to leave because even for others, the interaction is gonna get harder. And so I leave. It sometimes makes my friends feel very unsure of themselves, as I've been told. And then the circle repeats itself.

I remember when I went for a 4 days trip with my group of people and was completely fine and then after 2 days it started getting all too much and I just started to avoid them, stopped speaking completely and just followed everyone looking miserable and grumpy. They were so confused, but at that time I just couldn't stop myself, there was too much information coming in, too much people, I just started feeling bad and unwanted and irritable.

About a week ago I started seeing those people and it was completely fine, then we had a huge party and everyone was kind and I had fun, then we hanged out some more and there came the day I just started to feel bit lost and then I got my negative exam results and was very down (it was actually yesterday), I was outside and met loads of peers (I live in a town where I know nearly everyone my age and vice versa) and now I'm just - again - too tired to see someone and act clear and well and my oversensitive and paranoid self comes in.

[dwr3]

My grandmother said the very same thing about me not making eye contact today. "It's like you are lying". I told her that people who lie usually look straight into the eyes of another to check their reactions to what they say, whether it "clicks". And that I find it exhausting to watch other person's eyes and need to look somewhere else to gather my thoughts.

[Talthybius]

Depends on who does the lying. Can you act like you are lying? I mean, true acting. Say you are to play someone who is lying as a character, and the audience has to feel you are lying.

It is possible for someone to act out like that, without them realizing. Others may pick up on whatever it is you do, but may not be sure about what exactly it is.

I would say a person that is lying does look away, blinks, and puts his/her arm behind his/her head. But that's also someone who is very uncomfortable does. Most people would be uncomfortable lying, and act out as uncomfortable.

There is this submissive way of looking away. If a person doesn't give you his/her full attention, then that is not something that is attractive.

You don't have to actually make eye contact to not give off bad vibes by looking away/acting submissive.

[dwr3]

Yeah, but it's also pointless to accuse someone of being false and lying, when you are not talking about "true/false" matters. I mean, I mostly look away when speaking of something that requires a lot of information. And I mostly discuss theoretical matters. For example, when someone asks me about any, let's say, medical thing that I know something about, I just "throw" all the information away, sounding like a machine.

I remember when I was in middle school and there was this trip and the older people were drinking there, but I wasn't with my friend, as I generally wasn't drinking when I was around 14. And there was the case that someone actually went to the principal office after the trip and said that. And of course, everyone immidiately thought about me so one of the girls came and ask me whether it was my parents (who weren't involved at all and I didn't care for all that drinking thing) and I got very embarassed and started smiling, so they thought it was me. Had a lot of situations like this. I cannot lie (although I was trying at some point in my life, when I was taking trips to the capital instead of going to school, for example), not successfully. However I also struggle with being accussed of lying and my reaction to it, even if I was true.

Generally, some are uncomfortable lying, some are not. Usually people who manipulate others a lot won't be seen as uncomfortable during lying. But a person who is not used to it, yes, he or she may. When I heard people lying (who were not adjusted to it), I usually noticed the change in the tone of their voice. There are lots of myths about this matter.

[Talthybius]

People never told me I made bad eye contact, acted too submissive, or anything else like that.

I think I made those mistakes, way back. A friend once did tell me I wasn't very socially capable/awkward. A fellow student recently said I have a stutter/hesitation in my voice that makes me come across insecure.

Not many people will help you.

Today I had a conversation with some students who work together in a team. And they started to complain about one of their team members. It always surprises me how vicious and honest people can be about someone who is not there. They were teammembers, so they need to talk about this. But I was basically just a stranger/new college. Apparently, he was both slacking, not keeping a lab journal, making mistakes that ruined all his work. They believed he lost his motivation to work on the project, as he would only talk about dungeons&dragons game to everyone, when no one was interested in that and everyone was annoyed by his obsession for what because they knew it was hurting his effort, and their project. He didn't even notice people were not interested in D&D and annoyed by his attitude.

They just finished it off by saying he was autistic.

No one of them will go up to him and help him dead with his autistic streak. Now I don't know this person. Maybe he is in his comfort zone talking about D&D. That feels safe to him. And people don't stop him, so he keeps going.

I was like this for sure, back when I was 19. I would share a cycle commute with one of my classmates, and I would ramble about stuff and I know I never paid any attention about if they actually cared about what I was telling them. I assumed, as they were friendly to me, and I was interested in that, and they didn't stop me or talk about something else, they wanted to hear it.
Anyway, at some point I found it odd that he didn't wait for me when he was at the bike racks before me. If it wasn't awkward, he would cycle away, acting like he never noticed me, knowing I would take a different route when cycling alone.

I am a scientist. So when like extended family ask what I do, and I explain them, they initially are like 'cool'. But when you try to explain some details they are like "Whoa, I don't want to know that. That's all way too complicated." even when you try to explain it in layman's terms. They just don't want to know.

So now when people talk about something sciency, and they look to me for conformation because I am the 'expert', I just say they are definitely right, and they are happy. Well, as long as I won't be lying about them being right. I don't want to explain why they are wrong, or why it is nuanced, because they don't want to hear about it. When they think they are in small talk, and suddenly they have to pay attention and see if they do or do not understand something new to them, they get uncomfortable.

So I suggest you start paying attention to how people react when you 'just "throw" all the information away, sounding like a machine.', it might not be helping you.