I have this disorder

I just stumbled onto this website by accident by typing "pushing people away"in google. I am not sure exactly how to explain myself but after posts for about 3 hours, I figured I would share my story. I am in my middle 30's, single and living a life completely paralyzed by this disorder. My friends have told me that once someone like a woman gets close to me I push them away. i look back over my life and I guess I do. I push everyone away to a certain extent and it is not becaue I hate them or anything it is just because I gets anxious when people who say they like me are around. I think that I am boring and cant make up my mind who I am, confused, angry and frustrated. I put up smoke and mirrors around others to make them think that I am everything going for me when I dont.

I am a very handsome guy, single. Many people have complemented me on my looks. Some people gravitate towards me like im a super star. maybe in my own mind. I feel like I am better than others and was raised that way. In a religious home told that because I was "saved" as a child that all will be well and that I am lucky that i did not get tainted by the world. I have always had this sense of myself that could not relate to common man, cant be silly, joke, make mistakes, get in trouble. I was always the teacher's pet, achingly and painly pleasing people to avoid dissaproval.

Now in my adult life i have isolated myself beside a few friends, I am terrifeied about making decisions, who to date, what career to choose. I have become completely paralyzed by fear and im not sure why. Self critical thoughts bash me daily. I just want to scream sometimes and go to hell. the place I spent all of my life trying to avoid.

this is just a rant i know, may not make sense. I am tired of not being comfortable in my own skin, feeling powerless in life to just show emotions, choose and be happy.

thats all.

It makes sense, I promise. Probably not to other people but I certainly understand where you are coming from. We have a little in common: we are about the same age and I could have been reading about myself when you described being the teacher's pet, and trying to please people and avoid disapproval. That was the driving force behind almost everything I did growing up. I was freaking terrified of "getting in trouble" with every move I made. My dad made me scared and small and I had terrible self esteem for so many years. Still do really in a lot of ways.
I also grew up in the south, so religion was something that was forced on me as the truth, and I would go to hell if I don't conform to what my parents and society and the church say I should do. I have gained enough knowledge (FACTS) now over the course of my life that I do most certainly question and challenge the belief system that was set before me as the only option. Don't get me wrong though, I still have my faith. It is just a different type of faith for a different type of outcome. My beliefs have changed according to the info that has been presented to me as an adult.

Anyway, I just want to say that I do understand and I am new at this too so maybe we can help each other...

Doc

thanks Doc. maybe we can.

I too also had a very domineering father. i know that a lot of my nervous tension comes from being conditioned around him growing up. i still feel nervous around him to this day. not that i am afraid of him, its just that ive never asserted myself around him because of his volatile nature.

I am interested about what you said about "outcome" and how that has changed in your view on religion. I was raised Christian and still do enjoy goin to church, i find it though that all of the head games of trying to figure out God's will, and what He wants for my life leaves me very powerless and in fear of missing something.

Do you ever feel guilty being yourself, like lets say you could just start with a clean slate and makes choices that are uniquely you, no matter how scary that might be? I know that has a lot to do with my anxiety, always feeeling guilty for some reason. makes me want to scream.

Have you ever watched the show Ancient Aliens? I watch documentaries all the time and this show is great. The idea is that our (humans) religion is something that has stemmed from ancient contact with "aliens", if you will, and ancient people interpreted them as "gods" bc space travel wasn't a part of their imaginations as something that was remotely possible. Anyway, I'll not go into it here in depth...
But it has been proven on several occasions that man has manipulated religion over the years, and what "they" chose for man to study and worship was what was best used to control man under a government, rather than the whole truth. Constantine created the Nicean (sp?) counsel to choose and decide which books were to be included in the bible and which would be left out. His decisions were based on politics rather than spirituality. The books that were left out were banned due to their content. Some of these books tell extraordinary stories that are vastly different than the ones we grew up hearing in church. Why were they left out? What made one man qualified to choose which books we held sacred and which we did not?
Turns out now that we know that the 4 gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John were not the only gospels written. We also know that they were not written by these four men as many think. We do not know who wrote them, only that they date back to 40-60 years after the death of Jesus.

All of this is debateable and certainly contraversial, but these are the reasons (there are many, many other reasons but this is the nutshell) which lead me to believe that we have been mislead by power hungry men and leaders of the past.

So the "outcome" that I refer to is hard to put into words but it goes something like this: I still have faith that "something" is out there. We are not alone, and there is some other higher power somewhere. There are things I don't and cannot understand bc I am not a part of that greater power.
I just don't believe that the greater power is some "GOD" that is all knowing and all powerful looking down and judging all of us. I believe that we were given life and created in our maker's image. I do not believe that someone is deciding who will burn in hell and who will go to heaven based on our life. A God like I am supposed to believe in that is goodness and love would not send people to burn for eternity. Even the mother of a murderer does not wish their child to be tormented forever, so WTH would we believe that a God that loves unconditionally would wish that upon us.

I don't believe that god has a "plan" or "will" for my life, other than he wants me to live it to the fullest the same way any parent wants their child to live. I believe that he made us individuals and gave us free will bc he wants us to be the person we chose to be, rather than who he made us to be.

I believe that "God" is a master scientist and chemist and he knows much much more than we will ever know about that sort of thing. However, the more we learn and the more technologically advanced we become, I believe we get closer to understanding our origins and closer to "God". I believe that science and God are absolutely linked...

And yes I do feel guilty being myself. If I could make choices unique to myself it would hurt the feelings of everyone I love. It's not that I want to hurt anyone bc I don't and I hate that I do. It's just that I would choose to participate in certain activities that other people don't agree with or believe in, and/or chose NOT to participated in certain activities and would ultimately hurt those close to me. For example: I love to kiss. It is my utter weakenss. I love to kiss so much that I wish I could just go around kissing people all the time. Random people, people I know and don't know, anyone I feel the urge with, anyone I find attractive or has kissable lips. It means nothing to me, just an action that makes me feel good and happy. But I can't go around doing this bc it would definitely hurt my husbands feelings, lol. And I wouldn't want him kissing other women either, so I realize this is a rediculous thing to want. But it is just one of the weird things about me that make me, me. I can't help that I would do this if I were given a golden pass. But what counts is that I force myself no to do it day after day bc I love my husband. Not sure what that means for me, just an observation.
Something I would not do anymore would be go to church. Because I don't like the way it is. It feels like brainwashing now that I am skeptical of everything.

As far as my dad, I actually have gotten to the point where the pot boils over. He is extremely volatile, but I am too when you get me past a certain point. We have screamed, cussed, cried, and he even put his hands around my neck like he would choke me when I was in the middle of standing up to him and simply saying what i wanted to say without backing down from him when he rears up and gets loud and hostile. It was scary and it definitely changed our relationship. I guess for the better. I feel guilty for hurting his feelings but it makes me feel awesome that I have finally stood up to him. I was in my middle 20s when I finally wrote him a letter to say some of the things I would have been terrified to say in person to him. Took me 20 something years to stand up to him. It didn't change him. He still thinks the same way, but he respects me slightly more now and he won't be as quick to try to impose his opinion and his will on me.

Doc

Thanks so much for sharing. I so can relate to what you are writing (although it's my mother and not my father, our religions are different but received similar messages and I don't consider myself to be in the least bit attractive. Inside or out. No matter what anyone says ) I can relate so much. I didn't even know there was a term for what I was doing.

Over the years, I have isolated myself quite a bit, am very hard on myself, avoid functions / events / crowds at all costs more and more as the years go by (i have developed a list of gracious regrets and excuses for all occasions) and feel completely uncomfortable in my own skin (mostly always).

I am so self-conscious (especially when I am out of my normal routine) that I can hardly bear it. I have thoughts that run through my mind in an endless loop until I am back in my comfort zone: I don't belong, am not good enough to be there, cannot possibly be seen in certain types of places because I am not supposed to be there, am being judged, etc. ... it's a daily battle and can be extremely difficult.

Especially more so now with the profession that I am in.

I keep myself in very tight quarters and feel extremely uncomfortable going outside my boundaries / limits. I avoid them in their entirety now. Unless I absolutely have to go, but I am light-headed and sick the entire time.

Things got especially bad after my former employer bought a brand new luxury car, took a long expensive family vacation (at the height of the recession), had a banner year, and then laid off our whole department. It was quite a blow to my self-esteem (a car is more important than a human being?)

Also, during that time, my best friend and fiance passed away (cancer). And my mother (very judgmental, manipulative, controlling and harsh) was riding me tremendously.

I really just shut down at that point. And went downhill from there. My fiance and I were together for 8 years, so my whole world crumbled.

I am working really hard on all of it now with my T: The low-to-no self-esteem, avoiding almost all social situations, isolating myself, panic attacks, severe anxiety, triggers of PTSD, depression, poor sleep...

I have a teeny little bit of hope though that things will get better...and that keeps me going. As does this site, along with my P&T.