Anger and AvPD

Just wondered if anyone else here has any thoughts on being angry?

I find I am angry a lot, not out and out spitting fire anger but this constant low level defensive resentment that will flare up into a momentary flash of rage whenever I perceive a threat to my sense of self (eg criticism, rejection, judgement, being ignored or invalidated, negated, not listened to, put down…). It feels like it’s much bigger and more intense than it appears on the surface and I’m really having problems dealing with it – it’s bad enough feeling like a piece of worthless rubbish in the eyes of others, but to have proof positive that people couldn’t like me, in the form of this gnawing impotent rage-like stuff, is really hard to take .

I wondered if I’m alone with this or does anyone else live with a background sense of anger/resentment/rage that constantly emerges whenever you have dealings with other people?


Torn

Hey Torn,

I'm sure you're tired of hearing from me, but I wanted to let you know you aren't alone with having a lot of anger. I have several fist-sized holes in my walls and a few in my door. I never show this anger when I'm around anyone else though. Everyone always tells me that I'm like a ticking bomb waiting to go off and they hope that they aren't anywhere around when it happens, or that they hope they never get in a fight with me. I guess I look intimidating? I don't know. Lol.

I didn't mean to go on about it, but I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Do you let them know that you are feeling this anger, either telling them or acting out on it? Or do you prefer to keep it to yourself? And when you do get mad when you feel a threat to your sense of self, do you think about if they meant it to sound that way? Sorry about all the questions.

All the best ,
Chris.

Hey Torn,

Cool name by the way - very fitting. Yeah I have a continuous low level fire burning. I never, ever let people see that I am angry. Usually I hold my anger and wait until a valid upsetting thing occurs in work, and then really let fly, releasing as much as I can professionally. The rest of the anger turns upside down into depression. I feel really angry about (insert the real life **** im dealing with) and more generally i think its frustration that turns into anger, born from not actually being myself, like its ..... because I dont act as myself, purely my defensive shell (even to myself) im frustrated.

I dont know if that makes sense. I guess what I'm saying is that because I am not me, i get angry. I find myself displacing that anger onto others all the time, and I have to remind myself to be fair - the situation I am in isnt anybody elses fault but mine. Its my **** to deal with, and my **** to accept.

Chris I could never be tired of hearing from you! If it helps any, think about replying to people's threads as doing them a major favour, there is nothing worse than posting a thread and not getting responses, so the simple fact that you've taken the time to read my post, let alone actually sit down and bother to reply, means a lot to me . (Same for you too Captain Argh!)

Interesting that despite the fact you don't act on your anger, people are aware of it and tell you you're a ticking time bomb. I hardly ever act on my anger it just sits inside eating away at me - it's more like gnawing impotent resentment and I hate it. I'd love to be able to punch holes in walls and feel ok about doing so. So even though neither of us openly act on anger (at least not around people) they nevertheless pick up on it. Anger has such bad press in our culture and there's this incessant pressure from all sides to get rid of it, not feel it, control it, 'manage' it that it's really difficult to feel ok about feeling angry, that is just feeling it, let alone expressing it.

Captain Argh just about everything you said resonates with me!

Snap. A lot of my anger is frustration, where I feel powerless and out of control, and mostly that's to do with not being able to just be me (having to control 'bad' feelings and thoughts and impulses, mostly out of fear, and so ending up not being seen for who I really am and not being understood and accepted etc etc...)

I do very much get what you're saying about holding the anger in until a valid external reason presents itself and then you have at least some permission for venting it (of course others tend to see it as overreacting, and it never feels ok anyway because the anger stems from other things not the actual here and now catalyst for it.)

But don't you find that thinking like that just makes you even angrier? It does me. Sometimes I really long to be able to dump all the blame and rage that sits in my head and messes me up onto the rest of the world - I get so tired of carrying the can for every single feeling I have .

But of course, that would just alienate people even further from me and put me beyond the pale, alone and unwanted, that's definitely not ok. This is a real no win situation to be in.

I was thinking about this anger thing on the way to therapy the other day, and I suddenly realized that what I'm experiencing is borderline rage. My T assessed me primarily as AvPD but she was clear that she thought I had strong borderline tendencies (which I couldn't really see myself). Now I do and it makes a lot of sense. I wonder if those of us with AvPD who also have to deal with a lot of seemingly over the top anger aren't holding a foot in the borderline camp?

Anyway I write that just to say that I'm going to take the issue of anger over to the BPD forum and see what others' take on it is over there. And how they deal with it...

Thanks you two for replying

Torn

Yeah I'm pretty skilled at how I let the anger out, I hold on to my job very, very tightly as I am very aware it is the one thing I really need to maintain what I have. I (suppose like the rest of us) that I maintain everything at a negative but acceptable to society level. I only do things when the consequences are dire, and would make things far worst. I sometimes scream in the car as a release when I am especially bitter about relationship difficulties. The rest of the time I try and remind myself from examples of how others behave in the real world that over the top anger results in damage to relationships, and that with true acceptance I wouldnt stay angry. I have to say I am not very successful at it. I have trouble letting things go.

yeah all the time. Someone in my life has pointed out all of my flaws to me, ususally with anger but the point is valid nevertheless.

I actually feel angry, sick and soooooo frustrated about what I know, and how I continue to behave strictly according to my programming. This makes me feel exceptionally trapped continuously, even so far as when asleep and dreaming. I realise the impacts my behaviour has on myself and others, I see the effects all the time yet I continue to rationalise, defend and deny every dang-nabbit (thanks red-neck fishing dude) trait that I have. I am at my wits end.

yeah man I think the fact we think its a no-win situation determines the outcome before it happens. If we dont conceptualise a winning outcome, we will never win. Insert millions of churchill quotes here. I just dont know how to metaphorically turn the frown upside down, I struggle with my programming.

I live my avoidance whole-heartedly now I have my own diagnosis. I ranked off the charts on the personality disorder test in a number of areas, but I dont want more diagnosis' to prescribe my $h!t to. I dont want to give my subconcious some other excuses to hang on to and behaviours to act out on.

I reckon we actually need to find the why's within ourselves rather than prescribing our behaviour to a textbook or what feels comfortable. I know this intellectually; however struggle with it emotionally.

The power we are looking for has to come from ourselves.

I feel exactly the same as you. Whenever someone (doesn't matter who, it can be teachers, principle, my mom and dad etc) criticize me, judge me, yell at me, look at me funny, laugh at me, humiliate me, I fly into a rage full of swear words, insults and threats.

I'm angry nearly all the time. I've broken so much stuff (and lied about how it got broken of course) and continued to self-harm well into my 20's (and still do actually) because there is no other way to let the anger out. No one understands my feelings other than they're stupid.

The fact that I can't even express how I feel without being made fun of or having those feelings belittled, makes me even angrier.

The fact that I can't even be myself around ANYONE pisses me off like nothing else. I hate people. I wish murder weren't a crime.

I go thru that on a regular basis.

Hi everyone,
When I first was reading the posts in this thread, I thought it really doesn't describe me. But as I think about this more, I realize that I also have gone through the anger/rage for many years in my life. I really used to be angry a lot, until I started on all these psychotropic meds that make me basically not have emotions. It's kind of hard to explain.

Little things make me angry. Big things make me angry. I can cycle though angry and not angry multiple times in a few hours. The slightest hint that someone is unhappy with any aspect of me can send me into a defensive fury.

I too feel this a lot but cant find a way to deal with it. I say to myself "no please dont", then i swear(in my mind, maybe move lips with a sound), then say i dont care, then a few more such meaningless words to myself untill i meet some friend, or go shopping or eat & drink something i like,play games, watch movie... anything that takes me away from my voice.

I feel as though my fight/flight response is completely exaggerated and there is no equilibrium. I am either in full fledged panic mode, or in a blind rage often times.

I've had some success with diverting those feelings by listening to classical music and reading, occupying my mind with something stimulating seems to calm me a bit.

Oh, yes. All the time.

I have a constant level of resentment flowing. Maybe that's more related to my depression than my avoidance, but at any rate I'm always on the lookout for insult and injury. I very, very rarely fly into a rage — emotions frighten me — but occasionally I will do something passive-aggressive and stupid and hurtful. Then I worry about it endlessly and feel ashamed and depressed and have to go back into hiding.