[AzulOscuro]

How many times are you able to forgive someone for insensitive remarks?

I used to quickly put a cross on someone who was rude or told me a hurtful remark. It caused so pain in myself.
I neither stopped to think about their real intestinos.
For example, I have in my mind an ugly remark my dad pronounced for no reason. He tends to overreact. He's also an avoidant. He said: you don't deserve even the air you breaths.
It's hard to hear this from your own father.
You can guess what my reaction was. I left the house.

Now, I think I can understand better people's behaviour and intentions so I don't feel so vulnerable to external influencies.
I guess that I won experience with age (I'm 42) along with therapy that boosted my self-steem.

How about you? What point of your path are you in?

[Snap66]

Hola hermana,

My path is down hill with my only option being to lock myself away again. I become the source of insensitive remarks when trying to be a part of my family life, only to find it's not wanted...and being locked away in a room is seen as selfish.

Sorry that you had to hear your fathers words.... I'm sure my own daughter will have something to say about me too

[AzulOscuro]

So, you have my father's role? Bad. You, moré than others, as an avié, should know how much damage an insensitive remark can affect to anyone.

You can't push people to behave as they don't want.
Anyway, I'm very sorry you are going through it and I hope you can get all fixed up.

[A Red Panda]

I don't tend to forgive insensitive remarks.... but not because I'm judging them harshly, but because I think they're right and that there is something wrong with me. How could I have a need to forgive someone when the problem is me?

I don't tend to forget things that are said to me though. I will avoid someone if they've said things that demonstrate for SURE that they don't really like me at all (at least in how I interpret things).

On the odd time that I figure out that the issue is actually the other person and not me, then yes, I avoid them for sure and will cut off as much contact as I can.

[winter4me]

I am generally OK...but there are remarks, not all insensitive objectively perhaps, but taken as such that jump out and up in my head periodically for years; and there are ones that have caused me to make decisions (not what I would have done) that were not right for me because, like panda, I take some to heart and believe I am ....
As I age, I find myself having urges to contact a couple of people I still could to ask what they meant when they said certain things----that I am sure they would no longer recall.
I feel, often, that others either know me better than I do, or that they don't know me at all----------------------

I often study facial expressions and body language in other people. So its not just the hurtful things people say but how they act. If someone pretends to be nice to me but they have that look like "oh no this guy," type of thing, I'm pretty good at picking up on those subtleties (but sometimes I could be wrong) and if someone does directly insult me I never forget it.

[AzulOscuro]

Scot, it's said that all of us, as human beings, has the natural instint to intérpret non-verbal communication.
I always wonder what message I give people who are interacting with me. I guess they intérpret my body language as a rejection while the real thing is that I was afraid of them. ?:-(

I'm always very worried about how I come across to other people. Even though I feel I'm a very good person sometimes my body language might across as being a jerk or even snobby.
I'm so misunderstood.

[AzulOscuro]

When I feel too much anxiety in front of a group of people, I usually invent an excuse to break this anxiet. Often going to the blathroom, having to make a phone call, things like that. Then, I take my time for breathing and calm down.

It was a time when I feel so uncomfortable having to have my lunch in front of my coworkers. It was a nightmare.

I think people come across my fear in this kind of situations.

Scot, are you doing some kind of therapy?

Scot, are you doing some kind of therapy?

Yes, I've been going to therapy for almost a year but its getting increasingly harder to go. Many of the sessions are getting into some very personal and embarrassing stuff and its making me more depressed, I mean my T is not forcing me but it is things I need to talk about. Maybe I just need to take a break from therapy for awhile.

[AzulOscuro]

This is the point in which I stop going to therapy, when things are getting too personal. That's the reason why, now, when I come back to therapy I tell the phychologist what I need to improve and I'm not going further. But, it's fine with me. At this point of my life, I put up with surviving.

I'm not too good at forgiving people for insensitivity. I call it dropping people, I cut off all contact with them. I do this when I feel like I can't count on them. I try to be very tolerant and understanding of friends and family, but once I feel like they are not reciprocating I drop them. I started doing this thinking it was the answer to the passive way I used to deal with people, but this isn't assertiveness. It hurts me more than them and just makes me lonely.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by GreenMoss

I'm not too good at forgiving people for insensitivity. I call it dropping people, I cut off all contact with them. I do this when I feel like I can't count on them. I try to be very tolerant and understanding of friends and family, but once I feel like they are not reciprocating I drop them. I started doing this thinking it was the answer to the passive way I used to deal with people, but this isn't assertiveness. It hurts me more than them and just makes me lonely.

You are right. It's not assertive. I used to cut off all contact as well but understood it's not a healthy position.
At least, we have to consider that all are human, then the fact that people don't correspond to our affection in the same way as us, doesn't mean they reject us or that they don't consider us.
I have been called naive and fool for wanting to see the good side of a person even when (s)he has strong negative points, but I don't regret.

Perhaps, the reason is that I don't like people to judge me, so I don't judge them either.

Originally Posted by GreenMoss

I'm not too good at forgiving people for insensitivity. I call it dropping people, I cut off all contact with them. I do this when I feel like I can't count on them. I try to be very tolerant and understanding of friends and family, but once I feel like they are not reciprocating I drop them. I started doing this thinking it was the answer to the passive way I used to deal with people, but this isn't assertiveness. It hurts me more than them and just makes me lonely.

I do exactly the same thing and then end up alone, miserable and resentful. But we should always try to forgive even though sometimes it can be hard. Nobody is perfect including me and the way I try to look at it when somebody treats me like crap maybe they have also been hurt in someway in the past. The problem also is that I always blame myself for not being more likeable or worthy rather then the other person so I hide to avoid being hurt.