[Hoasis]

So out of curiousity I am just wonderring how you guys cope with different aspects of life that we all have to go throug, thinking about, job, family, girlfriend/boyfriend, friends, social gatherings etc...

Would just be nice to know how people in here deal with these thing on a daily basis.

Me personally :

Job: I like to work alone, I try not to deal with people and I am always happy to leave work and waking up in the morning always gives me a bad feeling because I know "work is waiting". I join lunch about 3-4 times a week and stay there for about 15 minutes, depending on my mood.Trying to get the conversation going.

Friends: Easy one, I have NO friends whatsoever

Family: We dont stay in touch a lot, when we meet it feels more like these mandatory christmas and birthday meeting where we basically talk about nothing. So my relationship with my family is very shallow!

Social gathering: I avoid these as much as possible. The only thing I can enjoy is where I can meet up at a party etc. drink so the alcohol gets the better of the APD and I can enjoy the night, then go home without any company.

Girlfriend: never had a serious relationship at the age of 31, pretty good job there mate!

[gayleggg]

Hi, Hoasis.

I don't handle things well at all.
Job: Lost it in September and was too stressed out to handle another one. Doctor said working was not something he thought I should do.

Friends: I have one but she is too busy with her grandkids to have any time left over for me.

Family: There's just my husband, my daughter and my two stepdaughter. Mostly I just try not to get caught in any of there drama. My husband and I are having enough problems getting used to me staying home all the time.

Social gathering: I'm never invited to any, so I don't really know how I would handle it. I'm sure it would depend on my mood at the time. Manic-life of the party; depressed-hiding.

I spend most of my time trying to stay busy at something that is not stressful, which isn't easy, even my hobbies make stressed some days.

[tohelpafriend]

Job: looking to open my own business

friends: just a few; my dog

family; all messed up the sibs over estate issues, fighting and power plays....serious pain all around

social gatherings; Right now, getting over a med thing, I stay home a lot and study, cook. I don't avoid social gatherings; now is just not the right time. Maybe I'm
selfish.

Close family: daughters on opposite coast, but we visit.

Job: 14 yrs doing job in retail dealing with public- very difficult with my anxiety, but I don't regret it because it forced me to deal with my shyness. I haven't and probably never will 'overcome' my shyness; but I'm better able to manage & accept it, and I no longer dislike that part of me. I work a lot of hours and expend a lot of worry there....so I don't have a lot of energy to make a rounded life for myself.

Friends: I'm terrible with social skills so I don't have a lot of confidence befriending people. Don't really have any close friends now....I'm not good at maintaining them...part of that could be due to my depression and not always being 'fun and lighthearted' to be around.

Family: I'm pretty fortunate in this respect, they have always been good to me. I am the youngest. We are not super close but the matriarch ties us all together.

Social Gatherings:I try but regret it a lot because I find it impossible to engage myself naturally. I discovered I do pretty good if I have a trustworthy extrovert with me to carry the conversation and alcohol for me. I've had mostly gay friends because I'm super shy around straight guys and I feel like an outcast around straight girls. For me the gay community has been more tolerant of my quirkiness.

Relationship: not a single one

[A Red Panda]

Job: I teach, so I'm around kids a lot. I don't feel judged (much) by them because they're children. I avoid the staff room and don't go out to coworkers social things, nor do I take part in potlucks. I eat in my friend's classroom and run clubs at lunch so that I don't have to be around my coworkers often. At the same time, I make sure to be friendly and have small chitchat so that I can do my best at fitting in.

Friends: I have a lot of aquaintances because I'm good at small chat. It will take months and months before I do something with someone that I want to be friends with - there will be a lot of "oh we should do this" before it ever happens. Once I form a friendship I tend to focus on their needs and wants - often I'll adopt their favourite pasttimes to share with them (it does require me to actually enjoy it, it'll just become a bigger focus when I'm with them). I don't really share whatever I'm feeling, although I give off the appearance of trust because I can share a lot of my past; facts that sound uncomfortable and very personal. When someone stops initiating much contact with me, I quickly reciprocate because I assume it means they don't like me.

Family: Pretty much no contact. What I have is superficial. I avoid it because it's not a very healthy family.

Social Gatherings: I do quite well at these as I'm proficient at chit chat. Especially if I'm drinking or hypomanic, because then I'm very chatty and quite bubbly. I tend to take the path of hiding in plain sight. Then again, this is also when I'm most likely to literally disappear - I'll panic and leave without telling anyone. Even if I'm hammered. I'll often cancel/decline going to small-group things, especially if they're at someone's house. I'm more likely to go out somewhere public where no one is hosting.

Relationships: I've never initiated anything, in regards to starting or maintaining a relationship, nor with setting the pace of things within one. I've rarely turned someone down because I feel like I should give them a chance. I pretty much never express any of my own needs or desires and it's focused on them, because I'm overly worried about rejection and being judged. Every time I try, things never go well. I've ended up in a lot of unhealthy relationships, although never abusive.

[fraidykat]

I'm starting to see a pattern here,

Job: Was in the Army, MP then to VA as security for 15 years. Left to try 'dream job' working in animal hospital...disaster... Then to, of all things, bartending at our family owned establishment. Currently staying at home and loving it!

Friends: Never keep a 'real' friend, they either become too pushy or move away before becoming close. As mentioned above, have several casual acquaintances, and I make a great effort to daily greet those I run into.

Family: Also have very superficial relationships ~ closest living blood relative is a sister that's 11 years older than me, so we didn't 'grow up together' and have many unaddressed issues between us. I have no children, she has 2 girls that live out of state. Relationship with in-laws is extremely (quoting Hoasis) shallow

Social Gatherings: Used to look forward to them, but even avoid family holiday dinners now. Impossible ones are being invited to someone's home for dinner or having them at my house.

Relationships: Divorced 1st husband in a year ~ have been married to very understanding 'workaholic' for 30 years.

[music junkie]

Different circumstances changed my life a lot from what I was used to & what I expected it to be several years ago (okay, like 10 years ago). My anxiety has really pushed me into a completely different direction from what I expected.

Job: I work as a receptionist now, after being unemployed for many years after getting out of the military. Being a receptionist is tough with my anxiety, but I use it as a sort of therapy. Pushing myself to deal with people every day has helped, even though sometimes it does take a very hard toll on me. I work for my gf's parents, & my gf also works there, so that makes it somewhat easier to function at work.

Friends: Don't have any of my own. Lost my few (like 2) friends many years ago when my anxiety took over my life. I couldn't even leave my house. Missed my best friend's wedding, so that was basically the end of that friendship. Only people I interact with now are my gf's friends & family; everyone from my own past is no longer in my picture.

Family: I hate most of my own family, so don't interact with them. My mom does live with my gf & me, but we have an awkward relationship, so that's not always fun. We don't interact much either. I don't have kids, so that's not an issue for me. My gf's family has basically become my family, so that's where almost all of my social interaction comes from.

Social gatherings: See above. Anything I do is 99% with the gf's family, or on rare occasions when her friends are in town, we'll do something with them, like dinner. Never have people in my home.

Relationships: Have been with my gf for 8 1/2 years. We are each other's main support in life.

Wow, reading through this is kind of depressing. But that's where I'm at in life right now.

[AzulOscuro]

Why depressing? You learnt to deal with people. You have a girlfriend and a marvellous gf's family.

[music junkie]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Why depressing? You learnt to deal with people. You have a girlfriend and a marvellous gf's family.

Thank you for reminding me not to have such a negative perspective on things

I tend to focus on what I don't have, rather than on what I do have.

[Hoasis]

Thanks for all your replies guys! Interestign to see how people in here live their lives. There seem to be one common factor for most of us; family.
Could this be a trigging factor that we dont have a close relationship with our family? These are first and foremost the ones we "form" our personalities when we grow up. Take me for example; my mother and father have always been kind of antisocial, never dared to speak their mind, hide in group, never been vocal about anything, never expressed feelings to anyone but themselves. Personally growing up with this I feel it has shaped me in a lot of ways. Its not the only reason I am who I am today but growing up with an outgoing and social family I think I would have been someone totally different today. Whats your thoughts on this subject?

[AzulOscuro]

Hoasis, I agree with you. I wouldn't like to blame families because in the end, with few exceptions, they tried to do the very best for their kids, but it's widely proven that our first relations have a great impact in both how we see ourselves and how we see the outside. That is even moré determining in individuals who already have a genétic predisposition to be sensitive.

Some families are wrong when they are overprotective, some others are wrong when they don't provide the necessary care of the kid's needs, both physiological and psychological needs. As the estoics said the best is in the middle.
Another point, but out of topic, is if our society help with the right conditions to help parents with their children's care.

Not mention these kids who are mistreated or abused. Such a thing can mark someone for life.

But, I would like to stress on the aspect that parents and the rest of relatives are human beings, with their doubts, their flaws, their problems...so, a good step to give for an avoidant, or any other person is sane this injury by compassion and understanding.

[AzulOscuro]

Ah, thank you for this thread. :-)

[nymphea]

Job: Previously worked retail for two and a half years. Had to quit my job due to mental illness and school. But I'm working retail again for the holidays. I don't mind the job, it's just being around people is the problem. But it's better than having no job and at least I'm getting paid.

Friends: I have many online friends, but no one I'd consider a friend in real life unfortunately. My social anxiety disorder has taken over this part of my life.

Family: We get along fine however they can annoy me at times.

Social Gatherings: I don't get invited to any of them. And if I did, I would only go if I knew someone. I used to try going to them but I had some bad experiences.

Relationships: Either I get rejected or abandoned or I push people away because of my fears.

Originally Posted by Hoasis

Thanks for all your replies guys! Interestign to see how people in here live their lives. There seem to be one common factor for most of us; family.
Could this be a trigging factor that we dont have a close relationship with our family? These are first and foremost the ones we "form" our personalities when we grow up. Take me for example; my mother and father have always been kind of antisocial, never dared to speak their mind, hide in group, never been vocal about anything, never expressed feelings to anyone but themselves. Personally growing up with this I feel it has shaped me in a lot of ways. Its not the only reason I am who I am today but growing up with an outgoing and social family I think I would have been someone totally different today. Whats your thoughts on this subject?

I agree with a lot of what you are saying Hoasis. I think I would have been sensitive and introverted no matter what. But I definitely think I would have less social anxiety and better communication skills if I was raised differently

I'm the very shy daughter of a very shy mother. She was overprotective of me; I'm sure that is why I grew up to feel the world is a scary place & should be avoided. By the time I came along my parents never had friends over and we never attended anything socially. We certainly don't communicate well. We are all pretty passive- dropping hints and hoping the other will pick up on what we are trying to express.

A couple years ago in therapy I was working on assertiveness. I had so much trouble...I felt incredibly uncomfortable just stating my feelings, nevermind what I need or want in any given situation.

[Silent_Alone]

Friends: I have some friends but I only ever talk to them on WhatsApp outside of school.
Family: I stay in touch with my family a lot.
Social Gatherings: I've never ever been outside apart from going/coming back to school and shopping with my parents. I'm also not allowed to go to other people's houses.

[mountain human]

Hi, saw this thread and had to respond. Upbringing seems to be a primary factor. My father was emotionally distant, angry, and not sociable (like me now). My mother was (and is) hyper-critical. I have been avoidant and isolated more and more over the years, really a vicious circle. I've been trying to be more social recently but it just reminds me why I isolate. I always feel out of place at ANY social situation, around people, family, job, etc. I tend to just shut down emotionally due to the social anxiety I feel. Later on I feel depressed from my perceived failure and inadequacy. I refer to myself as a "social retard". I see people chatting and joking and laughing and can't figure out how the hell they do it!

I started dating a woman recently who seems pretty darn normal and loves to go out, which is stressful for me, but I do it because I want her to think I'm semi-normal. I try to act "normal" to everyone--except my therapist, he knows my shame and guilt. I believe that a major part of my issue is the desire just to be normal and also chronic rumination--replaying events and conversations in my head over and over and then fantasizing about my "normal" life.

Thanks for hearing out my vent!

[AzulOscuro]

This woman is the one who had pushed you a bit out of your shell.
Let me tell something. Noone is normal. Really, noone.
Everybody has flacks.
From my point of view, love is what can made you to improve. Love for yourself and love for someone else. You have to begin by accepting yourself. Seeing yourself with compassion.
Why I can see you with compassion and you can't see you?

You don't have anything bad, what happen is that your nervous make a hell of you in social situations but yo can learn to cope better with it.

[Hoasis]

Originally Posted by mountain human

Hi, saw this thread and had to respond. Upbringing seems to be a primary factor. My father was emotionally distant, angry, and not sociable (like me now). My mother was (and is) hyper-critical. I have been avoidant and isolated more and more over the years, really a vicious circle. I've been trying to be more social recently but it just reminds me why I isolate. I always feel out of place at ANY social situation, around people, family, job, etc. I tend to just shut down emotionally due to the social anxiety I feel. Later on I feel depressed from my perceived failure and inadequacy. I refer to myself as a "social retard". I see people chatting and joking and laughing and can't figure out how the hell they do it!

I started dating a woman recently who seems pretty darn normal and loves to go out, which is stressful for me, but I do it because I want her to think I'm semi-normal. I try to act "normal" to everyone--except my therapist, he knows my shame and guilt. I believe that a major part of my issue is the desire just to be normal and also chronic rumination--replaying events and conversations in my head over and over and then fantasizing about my "normal" life.

Thanks for hearing out my vent!

Wow thank you very much for your reply! If anything this is exactly how I feel too. I travel alone, and look at happy people in groups chatting and having fun, while I distance myself in those situations. How does the talk go so easily?? Maybe we should stop "trying" to be "normal" and more accept who we are and live our lives therafter? Like Azul says, noone is really normal. There is of course a certain behaviour you would expect out of people, but everyobody has their own personalities etc and I think we should respect ourselves more for who we are!

I just want to be comfortable and functional. I'm not as concerned with being normal as I used to be. Normal isn't interesting and doesn't seem real. What really helped me stop worrying about being normal was finding things that weren't normal, and loving them just as they are. I kind of constantly seek that out. Usually it is in some kind of art form. Characters in books and movies, song writers....the ones I love most have an imperfect aspect to them. When I find it it's like recognition of shared humanity. It's comforting.

But I guess the thing with me and maybe others is wanting that with real people in real time. Haven't figured that part out.

[Snap66]

We are normal GM.... just among other Avies.

I always feel like a foreigner within my own birth country.
Feels like I have come from another place where I don't speak the language and understand the customs.
It's easier to talk to another Avie anywhere in the world than it is to talk to someone who was raised in my country.

Doesn't bother me as much anymore.

Snap:-)

Originally Posted by Snap66

We are normal GM.... just among other Avies.

I always feel like a foreigner within my own birth country.
Feels like I have come from another place where I don't speak the language and understand the customs.
It's easier to talk to another Avie anywhere in the world than it is to talk to someone who was raised in my country.

Doesn't bother me as much anymore.

Snap:-)

Very true I've always been drawn to people from outside of my country because I feel like an outsider too.... I don't think the US is very introvert friendly. I feel guilty sometimes and worry about being judged because of where I'm from.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Snap66

We are normal GM.... just among other Avies.

I always feel like a foreigner within my own birth country.
Feels like I have come from another place where I don't speak the language and understand the customs.
It's easier to talk to another Avie anywhere in the world than it is to talk to someone who was raised in my country.

Doesn't bother me as much anymore.

Snap:-)

The thing is that you are from another planet, Snap. This is how awesome you are.