Does it matter if I don't care that I am avoidant

In a different post in the depression topic I said that I am glad that I cut out all my friends. I knew when I did it that I probably shouldn't have but I really don't care.

Even when I did have friends, I never really felt like I was a part of that group and always had a hard time relating to them or often misinterpreting their intent.

I never really thought about it until I articulated it in a post and now it kind of gives me pause. It almost made me sound like a sociopath, except I do care about people, even strangers. I will stop to help people and feel empathy if I read about a tragedy happening to someone.

Recently, I had to go back to my old university to get my masters adviser to sign a form for the VA. I hadn't seen or talked to her since 2011 and she asked me to come back soon for more discussions. I learned two things from that. I really miss school, and ironically, teaching and I have zero desire to go back to visit her even though we had a very close, but always professional, relationship as both an undergrad and grad student.

I haven't been able to work for a few years so it is really difficult to explain it and get past the phone screens and she would be able to help me cut through that since she is very plugged into the local industry. Even for selfish reasons I can't get myself to want to go visit her again.

Is this normal behavior for an avoidant? My pdoc says he would diagnose me as schizoid if not for the fact that family is very important to me and I am close with my children as well as my parents and siblings.

You'll find that avoidants aren't close with parents, not sure why your pysch said that we are?.... Maybe question him/her over this.

Could it have something to do with your depression causing apathy?

I am sorry, I must have written poorly. He said I would be a schizoid if it weren't for the fact that I am close to my family.

He still says I am avoidant even though I lack the desire to make friends, date, etc. I was just asking if it is common among avoidants to not care about making a social life. I don't put a lot of stock in personality disorders because people just don't fit into the neat little boxes they have but I thought it might be useful to try and get a handle on myself.

It could be depression causing me to not care, that is a good point. It has been so long since I haven't had depression that I don't know if I was like that before.

Avoidant people want friends though. It's their biggest source of heartbreak, that they want friends but can't have them because they're sure they will disappoint everyone and will be rejected once someone gets to know them.

I think that avoidants do care that they have no social lives. I think it weighs on them constantly. Eventually they might accept that it is their lot in life, that they are incapable of having the type of relationships they want, and so they stop trying. That might be the lesser of two evils, to not have the open wound of constant rejections. But the desire is still there, even if it's been put in lock down.

That is what I thought, but I don't have some repressed longings for friendship, the thought of it is repulsive to me. Schizoid fits me better, which is why I don't like the way the personality disorders are defined. They seem too specific for someone like me who is all over the map.

I have bits and pieces of all of them except the cluster B disorders(thankfully) and dependent. A milder version of schizotypal seems the closest but still doesn't fit nicely.

I thought it odd that my pdoc labelled me with avoidant.

I guess there is nothing to be taken to help myself from these diagnosis.

hmm..
im more comfortable around my immediate family... my parents.. 3 of my brothers and sister... but even then im not what i would consider close... i don't open up to them, i dont really hug or touch... i dont like to be touched... but i do love them very much, more than i love myself!

i also want friends... but i dont... its a conflict for me, i dont want people to be close to me but i enjoy friendship... but i dont have any friends...

i dont really care though, i mean it doesn't bother me that much... i would like to have friends and have close friends, but i can't so.. what can ya do?

maybe one day i'll be more comfortable with people

the psychologist didnt want to dx me with avpd so he just wrote in the notes that i have avpd traits...

are you really repulsive about the idea? or is it just that it makes you so uncomfortable you would like to just avoid it all together

It really is more of a repulsive feeling, it is hard to explain. If not for having to go get my masters advisor to sign something recently, it would have been nearly 5 years since I have had a real conversation with someone outside my family or my doctors. I try not to tell my pdoc too much. I keep answers short and on point. The last time I was fully open with a pdoc I ended up committed for a week.

I do tend to overshare with my family.

I get texts and emails all the time from people I went to school with, inviting me out, or to some technical meeting or conference. I never respond. Thinking about responding doesn't make me nervous or uncomfortable. It makes me sick. If I do go to a conference, it is one that no one invited me to. I just hide in the back row and slip out right when it is over. I do need to do things to keep my skills and knowledge up in the unlikely event I become employable.

what exactly triggers the repulsive feeling, if you can identify it/them?

found another post by someone (you? ) on psychforums..

i think what is important is if the idea of being close to someone is repulsive to you.. or if people in general are repulsive... if its the idea of being close then it may be more avpd? if its people in general then maybe schizoid?

im new to the personality stuff though so im just speculating...

i could say that the idea of someone knowing the real me is repulsive

I don't find you repulsive. I don't find people in general repulsive, just the idea of making friends, having a conversation.

That wasn't me that wrote that but sounds a bit like me. The further I dig the more it seems that most PD's are meaningless labels. The cluster B PD's seem like they would have a lot more meaning than avoidant or even schizoid.

Left alone, I am happy in my solitude and just as happy with my kids and grandkids being around. Well, happy is extremely relative, I haven't been truly happy or feeling satisfied in years. Even getting my two degrees gave me no sense of accomplishment.

I don't feel lonely, ever. I just suck I guess.

I agree with you that how you're describing things it looks like you don't fit the diagnosis. But there could be things that you aren't talking about. For example, the hallmark of AvPD is extreme low self esteem. There is also a Personality Disorder not specified, which is a mix of all of them. Have you talked to your doctor about the diagnosis yet? That is truly the first step.

Why are you concerned about the "label?" What are you planning to do now that you have a diagnosis? The diagnosis is the start of the journey, not the end point, keep that in mind.

I will say, I think that most avoidants are relieved when they get their diagnosis. Finally there is validation for their "odd" experiences, and they find they are not the only one who feels that way. It's bittersweet, of course, but usually it's the opposite of meaningless.

Are you frustrated because there is a lack of effective therapy? Are you feeling pressured to change? Why did you even get the diagnosis in the first place?

Despite societal pressure, no one has to be "normal" whatever that means. If you are different - meaning you have no friends - and you're okay with that, then it's fine. You don't have to give into the pressure to act like everyone else, to feel like everyone else. If it's bad enough to need to change, forget about "the label" and get on with making changes. If you're okay with how things are, even if "you're not as happy as you should be," then ignore the "should" and the pressure to conform to some standard. No one, regardless of how well-meaning their intentions are, can dictate to you how to live your life.

thankyou...

they are of course just labels... labels are just used to try to describe what flavor is in the can...
i think everyone presents symptoms a little differently... especially when you hide them inside and present your demeanor in a more "normalized"manner....

alot of people would probably be confused by me, thinking that im normal... until they are around me more and more and see how i withdraw more and more...
the more i am around someone the more difficult it is for me to present a positve demeanor...

so really i think the big difference between schizoid and avpd... is that schizoid dont desire relationships... dont enjoy friendships or relationships or being close to anyone (including family)...
and avpd you desire the relationships but are faced with challenges trying to have them... you want to be close to people but are faced with these inner turmoils that cause you to withdraw and distance yourself...

this is how i see it but i may be wrong..

have you read the wiki on these?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizo...ality_disorder

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoida...ality_disorder

have to take it with grain of salt... these are text book definitions... in reality symptoms can present themselves differently i think...

Trying to self diagnose yourself as a Schizoid or avoidant is going to be impossible when the small subtle differences between the two are not known by yourself on a professional level.
Also worth considering is, what you seek may or may-not be AvPD or SPD but the symptoms from a pre-exsiting core issue.

I haven't written this as abruptly as it may sound.

It was my pdoc that said I was avoidant.

It doesn't sound abrupt to me, so no worries.

To say I have extreme low self-esteem is an understatement.

Seething self-hatred is closer.

About 3-4 pdocs ago, I had one that said that it doesn't matter if I have friends or not. It is my current one that sees an issue with it. Why did I get the dx? I guess my pdoc thought it was meaningful, but I have no clue.

Like I said a few times, I don't put much stock in PD's but I was just very curious about the diagnosis since I don't care and caring seems to be a hallmark of avoidant, hence this thread. From what I can tell, nothing of value, at least in my case, can be gleaned from knowing it.

It is not a big deal as it is by far the least of my issues. I am just a very curious person.

the only thing i enjoy about knowing, is having a name for it...
for why i am the way i am, why i am different, what makes me different...

rather than not knowing like i have most of my life, wondering if i am just crazy..
if others are really like me on the inside...

gives me a greater understanding of myself and the world around me...