[Beautiful_Disaster]

Hello, I'm new to the forum and I think I may be bipolar. My symptoms indicate bipolar, however they are not nearly as severe as most that have been diagnosed. I have never experienced psycosis (I don't think). I have an appointment with a pdoc next Thursday. Hoping for a diagnosis. I know that something is not right ... always have ... just don't know what it is because I function quite well, IMO anyway. First I want to add that I have very strong morals and beliefs ... which is why some of my past is hard to imagine it was me. I work, I'm a good mother and person(most of the time).

A little history (ok alot lol!) ...

I had a good mother growing up. My real father was not in the picture at all until I contacted him at 17. I learned very quickly that he was unstable, moody, very hot headed and disliked just about everyone (much like myself now at times). So I cut all ties and decided mom knew what she was doing when she kept me away from him. However, she was married (for 10 years) to someone that wasn't much better or maybe even worse than my biological father. He was verbally and physically abusive (not sexually). Very mean and it was as though he hated my brother and I who were not his. An instance that stands out like it was yesterday is one of the many times he beat my mother. When she tried to leave the house with us ... he chased us down and grabbed me by my shirt (nearly ripping it completely off of me) and put a 357 to my temple, swearing he would do it if she didn't come back in the house. I was 12. She finally left him after I moved out at 17 (because of him). I think maybe she felt she could if I wasn't there for him to hurt.

I moved in with my first boyfriend who was 6 years older than me. Lived with him for a little over 2 years. Never really happy of course (but then I don't think I ever have been). Then I ended up cheating on him, I don't know why cause I have very strong beliefs on this. Felt terribly guilty and left him with nothing but a "I'm not happy".

Moved back in with mom. I'm the oldest of 5 so they were all still home. By this age I'm pretty angry most of the time and didn't know why. I was left with the younger siblings often while mom worked. I would loose it with them so quickly and freak out. When I say freak out I mean to the extreme. My brother who was 15 at the time (rebellious himself) would get me so angry that we would physically fight in the middle of the house. My younger brother was a whiner and it really got under my skin. He was 10. I remember getting so mad at him once that I went into a rage. Picking up anything I could get my hands on and beating on everything around him with it screaming and cussing. I'm not sure if I hit him ... god I hope not. My poor little brother ... he was only 10. I have apologized to that baby so many times for that one thing. I feel terrible, I felt so out of control and angry.

So I moved out, working with this sales crew that traveled the US selling some kind of cleaning agent. I started smoking pot, but nothing else (yet). I was with yet another abusive man that I met on this traveling job. After about 3 months we came back home together and lived in a hotel for about 4 months. After he beat me pretty badly I severed ties with him. By this time I'm 21.

I didn't want to live with mom again. So I go were I think the money is. I started out just waiting tables at a gentlemen's club. Within 2 months, I'm stripping. I did that for about 7 months and tried every drug there is. This is also were I met my ex husband. After a year of marriage I learned that I was pregnant. Having had 2 miscarriages before (forgot to mention that). I was exstatic, but very nervous because of the miscarriages. All was well and we had our beautiful baby boy. However after having him I had the worst PP depression. It only lasted a week ... but I could do nothing but set in my rocking chair holding him staring into space and cry. It was a terrible feeling and I have never been THAT depressed since. Which is why I wonder whether it is bipolar.

My husband was an alcoholic ... but I was also as moody and hot headed as always. So we agreed that I needed something to calm my nerves. I get on zoloft. For the first week I was like a zombie ... then a seemingly sudden burst of energy. I stripped the wallpaper and painted the whole inside of the house in like 2 weeks. Staying up til like 3 every morning working on it. That subsided eventually. I never upped my dose on the zoloft and only too 50mg for the full 3 years. In that time I gained 40 lbs! Having NEVER been over weight in my life ... this made me miserable and I felt disgusting. Not to mention the non-existant sex drive. So I wiened myself off the med.

Shortly after quitting the zoloft ... I started working out again and lost the weight in like 4 months. Then I wanted to start going to friends houses to drink and have fun. My husband was pretty anti-social and didn't like being around people he didn't know (much like myself at times). So I went without him. I ended up getting drunk enough to cheat twice. I felt terrible I was completely paranoid. Thought if he found out that I would loose my son. So I left him. I was NOT happy with him either. Because of his dependency on alcohol. I felt so guilty about this because I am very much against infedelity ... I don't know what happened or why I did that.

So now over 2 years after my divorce ... I am with someone I've known since I was 15 from high school. We are okay for the most part ... but I still have my problems. I'm moody as ever and it causes big problems. I've never had the desire to cheat. In fact, we don't even drink at all. He satisfies me completely in every way. We both have children (4 all together) 3 of which we have all the time.

I am paranoid enough about him cheating though that I check up on him. Log into online accounts and such. I did catch him talking to and flirting with a women via email from work. I totally flipped out (understandably). Understand though in reading all the emails I could tell that there hadn't been anything physical (not to say it wouldn't have eventually happened) but I knew it hadn't yet. I was devestated. I called him at work and told him to come home now. I told him that if he lied about one detail I would beat the **** out of him. First rattle out of the box he says "We're just friends". So I did ... I went into "my rage" and beat him until my adrenaline wouldn't push the fury anymore. I even spent a week relentlessly searching for the woman's husband (of 14 years) so I could send him a copy of the emails. I called her and told her that I would kill her if she even breathed his name. After the rage passed we talked reasonably and tried to figure out why he needed that kind of interaction. He has ADD pretty badly and wasn't medicated for it. I don't know if these actions can be contributed to his condition ... but he is now medicated for it. AND we went to couple's therapy after this for about 3 months. Only to seperate for 2 weeks and get back together.

So now here we are ... I'm still scared to death he's going to screw around and check on him daily. I freak out if he's late coming home. I love this man with all my heart. We all make mistakes and I'm certain that he feels bad and learned his lesson. But I can't let things go. I have never been able to let things go. I harp on them for days and even months later if they are brought to my attention again.

OH AND ONE very important detail, is that I have 3 siblings on my bio dad's side. That I wasn't raised with and recently got up the nerve to call my half sister and ask her if there was mental illness in the family. Sure enough my grandmother was schizophrenic and all 3 of my siblings are bipolar 1. My dad has never been evaluated .. he has held to the old "nothing is wrong with me" thing all his life.

I know this has been terribly long. But if you read it through thank you so much. I just need some mental relief. My mind is so busy and loud. I am very aware of every little detail of my surroundings, which is sometimes disturbing to others and even myself. I avoid most social situations, and the littlest things send me into orbit. Do these traits sound like this could be bipolar?

Thanks again for reading

[musikcrazy]

Originally Posted by Beautiful_Disaster

Hello, I'm new to the forum and I think I may be bipolar. My symptoms indicate bipolar, however they are not nearly as severe as most that have been diagnosed. I have never experienced psycosis (I don't think). I have an appointment with a pdoc next Thursday. Hoping for a diagnosis. I know that something is not right ... always have ... just don't know what it is because I function quite well, IMO anyway. First I want to add that I have very strong morals and beliefs ... which is why some of my past is hard to imagine it was me. I work, I'm a good mother and person(most of the time).

A little history (ok alot lol!) ...

I had a good mother growing up. My real father was not in the picture at all until I contacted him at 17. I learned very quickly that he was unstable, moody, very hot headed and disliked just about everyone (much like myself now at times). So I cut all ties and decided mom knew what she was doing when she kept me away from him. However, she was married (for 10 years) to someone that wasn't much better or maybe even worse than my biological father. He was verbally and physically abusive (not sexually). Very mean and it was as though he hated my brother and I who were not his. An instance that stands out like it was yesterday is one of the many times he beat my mother. When she tried to leave the house with us ... he chased us down and grabbed me by my shirt (nearly ripping it completely off of me) and put a 357 to my temple, swearing he would do it if she didn't come back in the house. I was 12. She finally left him after I moved out at 17 (because of him). I think maybe she felt she could if I wasn't there for him to hurt.

I moved in with my first boyfriend who was 6 years older than me. Lived with him for a little over 2 years. Never really happy of course (but then I don't think I ever have been). Then I ended up cheating on him, I don't know why cause I have very strong beliefs on this. Felt terribly guilty and left him with nothing but a "I'm not happy".

Moved back in with mom. I'm the oldest of 5 so they were all still home. By this age I'm pretty angry most of the time and didn't know why. I was left with the younger siblings often while mom worked. I would loose it with them so quickly and freak out. When I say freak out I mean to the extreme. My brother who was 15 at the time (rebellious himself) would get me so angry that we would physically fight in the middle of the house. My younger brother was a whiner and it really got under my skin. He was 10. I remember getting so mad at him once that I went into a rage. Picking up anything I could get my hands on and beating on everything around him with it screaming and cussing. I'm not sure if I hit him ... god I hope not. My poor little brother ... he was only 10. I have apologized to that baby so many times for that one thing. I feel terrible, I felt so out of control and angry.

So I moved out, working with this sales crew that traveled the US selling some kind of cleaning agent. I started smoking pot, but nothing else (yet). I was with yet another abusive man that I met on this traveling job. After about 3 months we came back home together and lived in a hotel for about 4 months. After he beat me pretty badly I severed ties with him. By this time I'm 21.

I didn't want to live with mom again. So I go were I think the money is. I started out just waiting tables at a gentlemen's club. Within 2 months, I'm stripping. I did that for about 7 months and tried every drug there is. This is also were I met my ex husband. After a year of marriage I learned that I was pregnant. Having had 2 miscarriages before (forgot to mention that). I was exstatic, but very nervous because of the miscarriages. All was well and we had our beautiful baby boy. However after having him I had the worst PP depression. It only lasted a week ... but I could do nothing but set in my rocking chair holding him staring into space and cry. It was a terrible feeling and I have never been THAT depressed since. Which is why I wonder whether it is bipolar.

My husband was an alcoholic ... but I was also as moody and hot headed as always. So we agreed that I needed something to calm my nerves. I get on zoloft. For the first week I was like a zombie ... then a seemingly sudden burst of energy. I stripped the wallpaper and painted the whole inside of the house in like 2 weeks. Staying up til like 3 every morning working on it. That subsided eventually. I never upped my dose on the zoloft and only too 50mg for the full 3 years. In that time I gained 40 lbs! Having NEVER been over weight in my life ... this made me miserable and I felt disgusting. Not to mention the non-existant sex drive. So I wiened myself off the med.

Shortly after quitting the zoloft ... I started working out again and lost the weight in like 4 months. Then I wanted to start going to friends houses to drink and have fun. My husband was pretty anti-social and didn't like being around people he didn't know (much like myself at times). So I went without him. I ended up getting drunk enough to cheat twice. I felt terrible I was completely paranoid. Thought if he found out that I would loose my son. So I left him. I was NOT happy with him either. Because of his dependency on alcohol. I felt so guilty about this because I am very much against infedelity ... I don't know what happened or why I did that.

So now over 2 years after my divorce ... I am with someone I've known since I was 15 from high school. We are okay for the most part ... but I still have my problems. I'm moody as ever and it causes big problems. I've never had the desire to cheat. In fact, we don't even drink at all. He satisfies me completely in every way. We both have children (4 all together) 3 of which we have all the time.

I am paranoid enough about him cheating though that I check up on him. Log into online accounts and such. I did catch him talking to and flirting with a women via email from work. I totally flipped out (understandably). Understand though in reading all the emails I could tell that there hadn't been anything physical (not to say it wouldn't have eventually happened) but I knew it hadn't yet. I was devestated. I called him at work and told him to come home now. I told him that if he lied about one detail I would beat the **** out of him. First rattle out of the box he says "We're just friends". So I did ... I went into "my rage" and beat him until my adrenaline wouldn't push the fury anymore. I even spent a week relentlessly searching for the woman's husband (of 14 years) so I could send him a copy of the emails. I called her and told her that I would kill her if she even breathed his name. After the rage passed we talked reasonably and tried to figure out why he needed that kind of interaction. He has ADD pretty badly and wasn't medicated for it. I don't know if these actions can be contributed to his condition ... but he is now medicated for it. AND we went to couple's therapy after this for about 3 months. Only to seperate for 2 weeks and get back together.

So now here we are ... I'm still scared to death he's going to screw around and check on him daily. I freak out if he's late coming home. I love this man with all my heart. We all make mistakes and I'm certain that he feels bad and learned his lesson. But I can't let things go. I have never been able to let things go. I harp on them for days and even months later if they are brought to my attention again.

OH AND ONE very important detail, is that I have 3 siblings on my bio dad's side. That I wasn't raised with and recently got up the nerve to call my half sister and ask her if there was mental illness in the family. Sure enough my grandmother was schizophrenic and all 3 of my siblings are bipolar 1. My dad has never been evaluated .. he has held to the old "nothing is wrong with me" thing all his life.

I know this has been terribly long. But if you read it through thank you so much. I just need some mental relief. My mind is so busy and loud. I am very aware of every little detail of my surroundings, which is sometimes disturbing to others and even myself. I avoid most social situations, and the littlest things send me into orbit. Do these traits sound like this could be bipolar?

Thanks again for reading

Wow! It sounds like you have been though a lot! Seeing a pdoc is definitely the best way to go. They will ask you TONS of questions, so just try to be as honest as possible. I too first developed symptoms after the birth of my child. As first they thought I was just postpartum, but then it got crazy and they diag. me as Bipolar. Antidepressants can definitely make the manic side of things worse (I have been through this many times), so that is important to tell our pdoc.
Some of what you're saying sounds like issues with OCD. Your pdoc will help you figure that out. Please be encouraged and know that just when it feels like you can't go on, there is hope. I learn this every day!!!!! Somedays are hard and somedays are harder, but you will make it through.

[Michah]

Absolutely honey........but also sound vaguely "personality disorder". You can have more than one thing going on........

I am Bipolar II with Borderline personality disorder and schizoeffective. I have been living with the last 2 for 15 years. Often symptoms overlap but i have had lots of therapy, hospital and meds as my treatment and now I am quite in control of most of it.

Knowing that there is a problem is the first step........I define mental illness as a state of "disfunction". In other words if a potential list of scenarios starts to effect your relationships or quality of life, it is an illness. I don't actually see my condition as an illness anymore as I tend to cope quite well with it. Don't confuse this with core values( your morality) or personality. The illness exists outside of that or though often they overlap and can cause trauma, confusion and inner conflict.

You certainly have an unstable history with your family and some of your relationships which would, if unresolved, significantly effect your adult life.

Don't measure your experience by others experiences. You cannot define trauma........what is devestating for some may be not be the same for others and vice versa.

Seeing a good therapist is the first step........if they are worth their salt, they will take some time to dx you properly. As I said, could be bipolar with the genetics in your family but a good therapist will make sure that there is not secondary issues to address.

Good luck sweetie........breathe through the racing thoughts and cleaning frenzies......don't be hard on yourself and work hard in therapy. It will be hard, terrifying and confrontational but the rewards are infinite and you will gain great strength.

We are with you........

[knothead]

Wow girl, you've been through a lot. I would have to agree with the other posts -- you really should talk to a doctor. I don't know much about bipolarism, just that a Pdoc has to make the diagnosis. More than likely you'll have multiple problems that are diagnosed, they have a tendency to overlap each other. I hope things get better soon, you've been through enough to last a lifetime.

[BNLsMOM]

I can relate to the rages. They get so out of control that I don't exactly remember what I have done.

Your experience with Zoloft is parallel to what bipolars go through if they are only given an antidepressant without a mood stabilizer.

Good luck with your pdoc. I hope you can find some peace. I am waiting for my appointment as well. Soon, we will have some releif.

[Beautiful_Disaster]

Thank you all for reading. Wow that was alot to read through. I am actually excited about my appointment. I am ready to get some of the things off my chest that I wouldn't dare tell anyone else. I'm hoping he can shed some light on some of my emotions and behaviors.

Cutting alcohol COMPLETELY out of my life has made a huge difference. I turn into Satan's little spawn when I'm intoxicated.

I also have these strange thoughts ... unwanted ones. For instance ... one of the ladies that I clean for is the sweetest person I've ever met. We talk every time I'm there ... she gives me advice like my mother would. But sometimes when I'm feeling what I think may be manic (busy minded). While she's talking I will imagine/think about what would happen if I were to hit her in the face. Sounds absolutely ridiculous. But I think about it and it is almost an overwhelming urge to actually do it. She's JUST talking normal tone and my mind just wonders. I actually have to "shake it off" and get back into the conversation and it will eventually go away. Sometimes I can "hum" or "sing" those unwanted thoughts away. It's really strange and bothersome. I have told NO ONE about these. That's what I meant by I don't "think" I've had psychosis. What would that be exactly? ... they are disturbing.

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. I really feel comfortable here.

[Michah]

Originally Posted by Beautiful_Disaster

Thank you all for reading. Wow that was alot to read through. I am actually excited about my appointment. I am ready to get some of the things off my chest that I wouldn't dare tell anyone else. I'm hoping he can shed some light on some of my emotions and behaviors.

Cutting alcohol COMPLETELY out of my life has made a huge difference. I turn into Satan's little spawn when I'm intoxicated.

I also have these strange thoughts ... unwanted ones. For instance ... one of the ladies that I clean for is the sweetest person I've ever met. We talk every time I'm there ... she gives me advice like my mother would. But sometimes when I'm feeling what I think may be manic (busy minded). While she's talking I will imagine/think about what would happen if I were to hit her in the face. Sounds absolutely ridiculous. But I think about it and it is almost an overwhelming urge to actually do it. She's JUST talking normal tone and my mind just wonders. I actually have to "shake it off" and get back into the conversation and it will eventually go away. Sometimes I can "hum" or "sing" those unwanted thoughts away. It's really strange and bothersome. I have told NO ONE about these. That's what I meant by I don't "think" I've had psychosis. What would that be exactly? ... they are disturbing.

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. I really feel comfortable here.

Yeah I get that too......stress often makes it worse. Mine are a little more violent, like putting my fist through their face while we talk about the weather. The problem was, I visualised it while talking to them. It would come from nowhere. Terrifying. I have a rage problem from years ago and was violent. So don't know if it is from that or bipolar or anything else. I prefer to look at my rage as independent. It deserves a box all on its own.

As long as you don't act on it, you'll be right. Once you get help it will start to resolve itself. I had to leave my job when dx because I wanted to destroy some people that were causing problems at work. As soon as these visualisations started, I knew something big was coming. I am a very patient, tolerant person usually but these little nasties come from something else.

Good luck sweetie.......

[Amazonmom]

It sucks explaining the details of one's life to a pdoc, but it's worth it in the end.

I didn't take my Bipolar II diagnosis well. I had actually suspected it for years before I was diagnosed, but I was too scared to do anything. I didn't know about a spectrum of Bipolar. I just knew about full on psychotic violent mania. When everything on the outside looks fine, it's easy to pretend you just have problems with depression. If the only problem is the horrendous blur of self loathing on the inside, there is no problem...right? WRONG.

I got the worst depression I have ever had following the birth of my child. I finally met someone who paid careful attention to me, and figured out what was wrong. I may hate what she said, but I respect her for telling me the truth.

I wonder just how many people out there are suffering because they are afraid of a stereotype. No matter what your diagnosis ends up being, you deserve to feel better.

[Beautiful_Disaster]

Originally Posted by Amazonmom

It sucks explaining the details of one's life to a pdoc, but it's worth it in the end.

I didn't take my Bipolar II diagnosis well. I had actually suspected it for years before I was diagnosed, but I was too scared to do anything. I didn't know about a spectrum of Bipolar. I just knew about full on psychotic violent mania. When everything on the outside looks fine, it's easy to pretend you just have problems with depression. If the only problem is the horrendous blur of self loathing on the inside, there is no problem...right? WRONG.

I got the worst depression I have ever had following the birth of my child. I finally met someone who paid careful attention to me, and figured out what was wrong. I may hate what she said, but I respect her for telling me the truth.

I wonder just how many people out there are suffering because they are afraid of a stereotype. No matter what your diagnosis ends up being, you deserve to feel better.

Well ... like you, I have known that there is something that isn't exactly right. So I have, to an extent, already come to terms with it (whatever it actually is). Most everyone that "really knows me" knows this too. However, they most likely don't think of it as mental illness when they ponder my behavior. They just think I'm hateful, outgoing, snobby or very shy, depending on my current mood lol! Which is why I am happy to finally know soon. And I really am quite friendly most of the time ... on my up days as long as everything is peachy, know what I mean?

[Amazonmom]

Yeah, I do think I get what you mean. My normal mood state is fairly bubbly, talkative, high energy. (I suspect my normal state is a hyperthymic personality) My depressive or hypomanic states have always been triggered by big stressors, so my buddies have always written my behavior off as a reaction to my fiance cheating on me, or my husband losing his job (not the cheater), etc.

I talked with my hubby about what I am like during a depression or hypomania. He said my mood states wouldn't be detected as abnormal unless someone knew me well. He can come home from work, see my back to him at the computer or washing dishes, and FEEL the negative, dark energy pouring out of me. He knows I am depressed before he talks to me. I rarely am hypomanic, but during the Zoloft induced episode, he said it was like bright, vibrating energy pouring out of me. He said I looked REALLY happy, but inside I wasn't happy at all ( I can't do bipolar right, I hate hypomania).

I guess I am starting to understand that bipolar doesn't mean you have to be completely dysfunctional during an episode. It does mean that you are different during an episode. Although the depressions are getting worse and longer with time, and the postpartum episode was the worst ever. Guess that's what treatment will help me fix. It would be dumb to dump the treatment because I don't like the name of the disease!