Think I am down again.

Of course I am sick with a horrible cold, the baby was up a lot the last two nights, and I had a Lamictal rash from hell four days ago, which still makes me look hideous.

Ever since I have gotten my diagnosis, I overanalyze every tiny thought and emotion. My hubby says not to confuse the label with the identity. I can't help it. Knowing there is a monster somewhere inside me waiting for it's chance to come out just crushes me.

My T told a story about how one of her clients was pushed into a manic phase by some steroids she needed for another medical condition. I am so scared of anything like that happening to me...where I don't even realize what I am doing and my husband has to call my T in desperation dragging me along. (That's what happened to the client) I think I would just die if that happened. I would get a divorce, because the humiliation of needing my husband to monitor me like that would kill me otherwise. I would rather have cancer than have that happen. My hubby thinks I am being silly....but I have never lost insight before (even with the Zoloft hypomania)...and that story makes me think that T is trying to scare me into compliance by telling me what I will become if I don't do what she says. Well, it worked. If that wasn't the reason, what the hell was the purpose of the story?

The ER personnel said they could give me IV steroids for the rash from Hell, but I refused. All I could think about was the horrible story my T told me. I am on the Lithium, so nothing probably would have happened...but there was no way I was going to take a chance at the place where I work....so I am just taking loads of Zyrtec and Benadryl (their second choice)....and forcing myself to drink water so I don't get Lithium toxicity.I have also used the medical library at work to look up all the drugs that could cause manic switches. I will never go anywhere near any of them, even if I should.

I am just whining and ranting and wondering why I am destined to be a freak for the rest of my life. I don't even want to go to my T session today but I am guessing I should anyway. Don't really want her tracking me down after having to call her on Monday about the rash.

Nobody has to respond, it wouldn't change anything anyway.

OMG. The crap I rant on about when I am depressed. I must sound like some freakin' drama queen.

Please... ranting is healthy and a reason why this place exists. It's nice to have the freedom to get off your chest what you want without fear of being judged. It's a great thing! I think you're going through a very natural progression of coping with a diagnosis. Eventually you will start to see that Bipolar Disorder is an illness and does not define who you are. It's tough but you'll see it. Take care and I'm glad you write here for support!

(((((((((((Amazonmom)))))))))))))

RANT AWAY!!!!

Oh honey ... I know exactly where you're coming from. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes, because that is exactly how I feel. And after the comment bf made this morning (in my "My Appointment" post) I just don't know how much of his support I've really got now.

Keep your head up love. I know I'm trying like hell.

Amazonmom
I had a Lamictal rash from hell four days ago, which still makes me look hideous.
I was told to immediately stop taking Lamictal if I got a rash from it & call a doctor

Ever since I have gotten my diagnosis, I overanalyze every tiny thought and emotion.
Tell me about it. i think this is worse than getting diagnosed in some respects. I just lived my life & made my decisions without overanalyzing before. Now I wonder why I do this?Why I say that? Did I say this right? Why are my palms sweaty? etc.
My hubby says not to confuse the label with the identity. I can't help it.
Seems soo simple doesn't it?
Knowing there is a monster somewhere inside me waiting for it's chance to come out just crushes me.
Maybe it's not a monsterMaybe it's a cute little turtle with wings
My T told a story about how one of her clients was pushed into a manic phase by some steroids she needed for another medical condition.
Yep, I've heard of that.
I would get a divorce, because the humiliation of needing my husband to monitor me like that would kill me otherwise.
That's what spouses are for. The reality is every single person on this planet WILL have their life in somebody elses hands at some point in their life. So if it was to happen who better to lean on?
and that story makes me think that T is trying to scare me into compliance by telling me what I will become if I don't do what she says. Well, it worked. If that wasn't the reason, what the hell was the purpose of the story?
Compliance to stay on the meds? or for something else?

The ER personnel said they could give me IV steroids for the rash from Hell, but I refused. All I could think about was the horrible story my T told me.
Take the IV...those are the exception not the rule
I am on the Lithium, so nothing probably would have happened...but there was no way I was going to take a chance at the place where I work....so I am just taking loads of Zyrtec and Benadryl (their second choice)
OK, that's better than nothing
....and forcing myself to drink water so I don't get Lithium toxicity.I have also used the medical library at work to look up all the drugs that could cause manic switches. I will never go anywhere near any of them, even if I should.
That's a list I would love to see...I like the manic phase
I am just whining and ranting and wondering why I am destined to be a freak for the rest of my life.
Hey!!Do you think of anyone else with your condition as a freak? I mean I seem normal...don't I? wait...bad example...but if you don't see others with it as a freak then why wouldn't you give yourself the same benifit?
I completely understand this...I dealt with the same feelings, but the only thing you can really do is change your way of thinking about it.
I don't even want to go to my T session today but I am guessing I should anyway. Don't really want her tracking me down after having to call her on Monday about the rash.
Probably a good idea...atleast to you find one your more comfortable with.

Nobody has to respond, it wouldn't change anything anyway
I know i don't have too...I want to...you are on my friends listI like friendsThey give me goosebumpsI like goosebumps

LK

hang in there.....

Rant away .. when you need to... My daughter takes shower cries... just to release some of the tension..

Do what u have to...

Smart ... being careful what u take w/ ur meds... my daughter got pregnant due to taking Zeprexa / it canceled out her birthcontrol..

HUGS TO YOU ALL

Update!

Well, I did go to that T appointment. I have decided to forgive her because I actually do like her.

She felt SOOO bad that the story scared me. She explained that she meant it as an example of someone whose most severe manic episode was drug induced....and that the person was able to deal with what happened...and is doing great at her career, has two kids, and lives her life just fine. My T was trying to inspire me, not scare me.

She says that when I am upset (I was freaking out about the loss of control during my hypomania) she really needs to spell out her reasons for doing things. Or else I will ascribe the worst intentions. I do that no matter which mood state I am in LOL. Might have to work on that in therapy. Oh wait a minute, I AM in therapy....

At the end of the session she indicated that I seemed depressed. I was thinking "NO **** SHERLOCK"...but I said "I wondered if you would call me on that". Sorry T...I have much experience being depressed and know exactly when it is happening. Of course maybe I would be happier if I didn't have such insight. It's weird, as soon as the Zoloft left my body, the depression came back. As soon as the Lamictal left my body, the depression came back. The problem is that most Bipolar drugs are really antimanics, not antidepressants. Very few drugs are mood stabilizing towards the bipolar depression side of things.

At least the Lithium is keeping the intrusive thoughts away this time. Basically it's doing an excellent job of keeping away the fun part of the disorder, and a half assed job of keeping the depression away. I had to drink WAY more coffee than usual to get the typical hyperactive, euphoric, talking too fast reaction I usually get. I wondered why my usual Starbucks has done nothing for me lately...LITHIUM, YOU SUCK!!!! I LIKE MY CAFFEINE INDUCED HYPOMANIA!!!! It always goes away when the caffeine wears off anyway.

LionKing, thanks for what you said about spouses. That did actually help me a lot. That and the cute little turtle with wings. Maybe I can think of the monster as a really cool giant snapping turtle that can eat up the people that really tick me off!!!!!

Got another appt on thursday...gotta address the worsening depression thang. I have had a taste of stable mood, and I want it back!

I hear you!!

As far as the spouse helping out...I think I can handle my wife having to monitor and help me, as far as she is able...I agree with thelionkinglives, that is part of being a spouse. (What would be unbearable is if it fell back on my parents to do that...ugh!!!! )

Slothrop, oh you are so right about the parents thing. Of course my parents would be in too much of a histrionic fit about the whole situation to actually notice my mood state anyway......

I have been asking my husband questions about his impressions of my mood states. Very interesting. And not too far off from my own.

amazonmom quote ''Basically it's doing an excellent job of keeping away the fun part of the disorder, and a half assed job of keeping the depression away. ''

ohmygosh i totally feel the same way. its like the meds and the doctors have taken away my really nice highs, but then i still get all my lows. take none if you can't take both!!! so fustrating...

anyways hang in there,
stef