[nothemama8]

Hey kitty, kitty, how are ya doing, haven't heard from ya for a few days, missing ya
Angie

[TgrsPurr]

I'm in a bad bad bad place right now Angie. More than I can handle. Need help. Don't know what to do. I'm so so so scared right now of the way I feel...not suicidal, just out of control of my self, my life, my thoughts, my emotions....Can't breath, can't think clearly, finding it hard to make my fingers move across the keyboard. My mind is gone to a place I don't know and I can't find it...

[nothemama8]

I'm here when your ready sweetheart, take care TgrsPurr, the girls and I really do care about you
Angie

I'm so sorry you are not well now. If I am remembering...you are a person who is not taking meds now? Maybe if this continues for too long, or gets dangerous, you might try something temporarily - that is if something has been helpful in the past? (umm...if you want to hit me now, I'm sorry. But glad we are far far apart !)

Hugs, emmy

[nothemama8]

Tigers don't hit silly Tofu Butt they swipe with a mighty paw
Angie

Well, I don't wanna get swiped either. A kidnapping would be ok, if we could split the loot.....

Sorry tgr, can't help myself.

e

[vacantangel]

Sorry to hear you're in pretty rough shape. Hope this passes soon for you.

[TgrsPurr]

Thank you AG, I love the support. And I thank Angie and Emmy too.

I'm still riding the rollercoaster, however, due to some chemical assistance the ride has slowed a bit and the ups, downs, twists and turns aren't quite so ferocious. Now I'm contending with the side-effects of these blasted pills and I wonder if it's really worth it??? I feel so removed from myself and my life. It's like standing outside myself saying "who's life is this?" Everything becomes unfamiliar, including articulating my thoughts and moving my fingers across the keyboard. I don't know, it all somehow seems abstract or something. More affirmation as to why I choose to be med-free. I don't know why this particlar cycle has been so mean and viscious. I don't know why the depression played a much bigger role than usual or why anxiety is eating me alive. Day to day life, minute to minute life is so laborious for me right now. I'm praying with all my heart, all my soul and with all my strength that this beast of a cycle will end soon...like right now!
On the upside, being "outside" myself has allowed me to do some reflecting on the world I've created for myself, the type of person I am, the choices I've made and how I would like to make some different choices. For example, I moved into my apt. 3 months ago and I still haven't unpacked my boxes. Not because I'm lazy or because I'm procrastinating, but because I've never felt "at home" anywhere, I've not stayed in any one place for very long. So why should this time be any different? I've lived like a nomad for so long I don't know how not to. So why do I do this? Most likely it's me trying to run from myself, my past, my bad choices and those icky feelings I get inside. I also see that I have committment issues, to commit to stay in any one place for long is uncomfortable for me, it feels unrealistic or something. Inside I don't believe it's possible for me to feel totally comfortable anywhere (except when I'm hiding under the covers, literally). I know that many of you might be thinking what's the big deal, just unpack! In fact I say the same thing to myself. And yet I can't bring myself to do it. I once had to leave all belongings in a storage facility, I never went back to get it. I walked away from everything...clothes, CD's, movies, pictures, journals, books, furniture, kitchen stuff...everything.
I'm still trying to recover from that stupid choice because now I have to replace everything. It's been 3 years now since I screwed myself with this very bad choice and I'm full of regret that I will never get some of those things back that are irreplacable.

Anyway, sorry for the barrage of my insanity. It just feels good to be focusing my thoughts and articulating them, somewhat anyway.
TgrsPurr

[nothemama8]

Insanity what insanity, sounds pretty logical to me, DON'T PUT YOU DOWN, your a good kitty
Angie

[sqrlb8]

I suspect you'll be done with the meds pretty soon, but I hope you keep 'em handy for the next time it gets too rough. ("next time" as opposed to "if" lol, but that's how it is.) But in the mean time, I'm sure glad you have a measure of calm restored. And besides that, anything that plops you outside of yourself long enough to gain some of the insight and reflection you articulate here, well, that's a good thing. Way good. I mean, that, in the end, is our salvation with bp. Insight. You are a natural at it. Glad to hear from you. tc.

[TgrsPurr]

I have a mtg with pdoc this afternoon to discuss the med "situation". I've already tapered off to almost non-existant, but I'm being careful not to trigger another emotional rollercoaster ride too by not getting enough sleep, so I'm utilizing them in that capicity only.

Might I add sqrl, our "salvation" is entirely about reflection that leads to insight. Each cycle has it's own particular "quirks", if you will. Each cycle reveals something new and different about ourselves and our lives and when the cycling is all said and done, we're better for it. Cycling is hell, it's not easy trying to separate "yourself" from it, especially because the emotional reaction to the chemical imbalance is quite overwhelming...in good ways and in bad ways. It's like being caught in a spiders web or something, and the black widow comes along and eats you alive. I know that I will never master the ability to remove myself from hideous affects of bp, the viscious affects of bp, the frustration of bp....but I will get better and better at dealing with it and continually get to know myself more intimately.

Okay, okay, enough said. I guess I'm feeling rather expressive today. And I love "expressing" with you sqrl. Meeting you here is a highlight for me because you are so understanding and always able to give a fresh and insightful persective. This is a real talent of yours.
TgrsPurr.

[sqrlb8]

Aw, shucks, back atchya.

Life is just as ironic as can be, isn't it? When I was first dx'd, I suppose I felt like it was a huge burden, a cross to bear or whatever. Over time, I have come to regard it as a very curious gift. I don't feel sorry for myself anymore; I feel sorry for the ones who's lives are plotted along a trajectory of ignorance wherein all their mediocrity is never challenged. Those for whom the question of self vs idea of self is never raised seem much less likely to me to ever transcend their own mental muck. For all I've suffered from bipolar, I wouldn't exchange what I have learned from it for a life without it. True story. That takes some pleasure out of whining, though. wah. lol.

Tgr, I'm sure glad you are here. You are a heart of gold.

"I want to live.
I want to give.
I've been a miner for a heart of gold,
and I'm gettin' old." (Niel Young)

xo.

for me, my dx was such a relief.....at last someone finally carefully talked and listened and weighed and studied and told me what my disease is..........wooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooo