Calling T

My last session, I was talking to T about how H should call his T when he is having a tough day. T says 'just like I told you -- you are welcome to call anytime and leave a message.'

I don't like calling in between sessions, unless I actually need something. I don't know why -- I guess I feel a little pathetic, or that it is not important. But then, I really want to have the best relationship with T that I can, so I can have the best healing possible.

So, I did it. This morning I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed, dragging my heels, not sure why I'm feeling this yucky. (Because things are going pretty well, in an objective sense.) I called T, and just left a long rambling message.

*sigh*
Not sure if I feel any better. If anything now I'm nervous about what T might think about the message. I like getting feedback, and just leaving a message seems so powerless...I have no idea what T is thinking because I'm not hearing his voice or seeing him react to what I say.

Anyhow...Pinksoil...you helped inspire me since I just read your post about calling T.

*Breathe*
Here's hoping this helps in the long-term, because I don't understand at this moment how it will help.

T wants me to call and leave messages whenever I need to. I've started doing it, especially when I'm overwhelmed. At first, it did feel really weird, not knowing his reaction, what he thought, etc. He's brought up a couple of the messages in session ("sounds like you mom was really in your space this week" or whatever).

The more I leave them, the easier it is. I get whatever it is off of my chest, and I know that there is a caring ear on the other end. I guess I'm starting to trust that T actually cares - or at least that he won't judge me for whatever I'm feeling.

I'm glad you called, SpottedOwl

I have been here so much over the past year. Wanting support, but not wanting to be a pain in the ***. Wanting to see what it felt like to get support from someone, but not wanting to be needy, not sure if my T was the person I was supposed to get support from, how much support is too much, do they REALLY mean what they say,...... My mind totally plays theses tricks on me.

My T you either get the office manager or an answering service so...you can't just call and leave a message...I email instead. I was really uncomfortable doing this at first, but then after asking my T several times about if it was alright I finally accepted that she REALLY didn't mind. I now tend to email a few thoughts for her to hold for me until the next session.

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SpottedOwl said:
Not sure if I feel any better. If anything now I'm nervous about what T might think about the message. I like getting feedback, and just leaving a message seems so powerless...I have no idea what T is thinking because I'm not hearing his voice or seeing him react to what I say.

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My email option was working OK, until recently when I really had some issues and desperately wanted a reply and got none. I think the hardest part of asynchronous communication with a T is what our minds do when we have no idea what lay on the other side of the silence. And the longer the delay the greater the ensuing insanity.

Last week this insanity of wondering what my T was thinking & doing and trying to figure out on my own why I was getting the silent treatment caused me to quit therapy altogether.

On Monday I pulled myself together, fought back against the mental madness my mind created, and I used the phone to schedule an appointment. Going to that meeting was one of the hardest things I've done yet.. but everything worked itself out.

My recommendation is... if you want to leave your T a message and you've been told that it is OK... then DO IT! If you are worried about something you said or wrote, chances are it was something that was important to convey-exactly the way you conveyed it. Last week the one email I was embarrassed and worried about and most wanted to retract, was the one that was most important in moving our relationship forward.

SpottedOwl this helped me on Monday when I was trying to decide if I should make a last appointment. I sat down with my journal and I reviewed the writings that I made immediately following each therapy session. An cut and pasted the bits and pieces of evidence that clearly challenged my assumption that my T was malicious, punitive, or uncaring. Just going back 5 or six sessions, I had created a very long list of evidence discounting this claim. Doing this did not totally wipe out my worry but it did give me enough courage to risk making the call and going to the appointment. If you do this, maybe you will be able to find enough evidence to counter your worry, and give you a little peace of mind until your next session.

I agree if you need to call your T go for it. I rarely call my current T only because she rarely calls back. If I need to talk between sessions I email only because the communication between office staff and T is less than ideal. If its an immediate need and I need to talk to someone right away I can always talk with the nurse she is great.

My old T I could call and leave him voice mails and it eventually he would call me back. It would sometimes be a few hours but I knew that eventually he would get back with me. I miss that. But that is another post.

If your T has said you can call between sessions and you feel that talking with him/her would help then go for it imho.

Jbug

:-)
Thank you earthmama, Chaotic13, Jbug -- for responding. Just hearing that other people struggle with this or have dealt with this is helpful!

I guess it was a double-whammy for me this morning...not only did I call and leave T a message, but I also started my first thread here on PC.

I'm working on asking for support when I need it, rather than waiting until things get sooooo bad that it is urgent.

Thanks again for listening, and offering some virtual support for me.

Spotted Owl,

I call T and leave messages all the time. I really helps me to clear my mind and tell him about where I am and what I need.

Chaotic--so did you quit or not?

I have a hard time calling T too. But I called today. Let her know I was feeling good but wanted to relay something that had happened at the dentist. I always tell her not to call or if I need a call.

It is always a struggle.

I'm glad you summoned your courage and reached out to call your T.

I would never see a T that didn't allow messages or return phone calls. I haven't actually heard of one who doesn't, although there probably are some. A therapist and neglect patients in personal crisis or when they need something outside of strict session hours is a gigantic bright red flag that says "WARNING! STAY AWAY!" Therapists who can't handle the responsibility of helping patients outside of session hours should have chosen a different profession.

Reaching out when you need help prevents bad things from happening.

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Simcha said:
A therapist and neglect patients in personal crisis or when they need something outside of strict session hours is a gigantic bright red flag that says "WARNING! STAY AWAY!"

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I agree with Simcha here. If you detect insincerity or lack of compassion/empathy.... raise the red flag and get out. HOWEVER (since I was here last week), I would strongly suggest that if you feel like your therapist is neglecting, ignoring you, refusing to help you, or is not responding to you because they are trying to use some behaviorist technique to extinguish your neediness....to challenge those thoughts in you head! These are more likely your projections or some type of transference associated with one else's treatment of you. If you have a decent T (although they are human, make mistakes and don't really have ESP) it is unlikely that they would consider these actions to be therapeutic. Parents, teachers, coaches, and friends sometimes use malicious and punitive methods to manipulate people and get what they want, but I think in general... T's have more positive productive techniques in their grab bag. Knowing this and systematically challenging my assumptions really help me this week.Then of course having a good T who eventually understood my encrypted messages and was able to give me what I needed was also vital too.

i don't think not wanting to have calls outside of session says "stay away," it just says that therapist has one particular set of guidelines.. ones that any client can accept or reject when they begin. i do think it is better if they do.. but i don't see any reason they should have to. i think it is very important that the clients know very clearly what is ok and what isn't. No hazy boundaries, that's what matters. People need to "shop" for a T... find one that works for you. Mine doesn't allow emails, my ex's pdoc won't read *anything* outside of session time... mine reads everything i give him.. as well as let me leave messages and will return calls in crisis. But around here that is a HUGE exception to the rule.. almost none accept or return calls. It just simply isn't done. i was shocked when my T gave me his private number.

spotted owl, how proud you should be of yourself! Making a call like that is a huge personl risk, and yeah, it feels silly. i used to walk to T's office with a letter, then chicken out and go home again... did that over and over. i even once got down on my knees in the hallway outside trying to make sure his door was closed so i wouldn't accidentally have to talk to him.. i was so scared. Now that seems ridiculous to me.. you'll get there, you'll build trust and get there.

namaste