trig

I can feel a flip in my brain things are running differently. So fast. I can't type as fast as I need to keep up. I haven't had caffeine since 9 this morn and I am extremely awake but I'm tired and I need to go to bed otherwise work is going to stink tomorrow. I can't take anything else to calm me I may accidentally take them all so I have to go with none. None. I wish I cld calm down and breath slowley and catch my breath and closed my eyes and fall asleep and wake up tomorrow as a brand new person. A ltl less messed up.

It really dsnt matter I've made it thru the ups and dwns before nothing will stop me this time. Nobody to get in the way. O well

(((((bridgie)))))

How are you doing today, bridgie?

I'm such a nerd I saw the word "trig" and the first thing I thought of was trigonometry.

I did too!

I've been on Xanax for the past week... taking more than I should (not a scary amount though), but it is such a relief to not have that chaos in my brain... till I run out

RK

Yeah, and that's not one where they pile on the refills either. I agree though, it works. I also take more than the prescribed amount sometimes. I try to avoid alcohol when taking it though.

Its been crazy I went on vacation and forgot my meds so I had to stop and c a doc to get some cuz I dnt really have one doc anymore. They gave me my script thanl goodness. Only thing with me is I'm rapid cycling right now and it makes my life miseralble. Pretty soon I have to go sEe a new doc and make surthey dnt give me stuff to take all the energy away. I need a ltl but I dnt need the irritability. I hate being irritable it hurts it really really hurts. I swear I can feel a gush of fluid go in my brain and the cloudiness sets in and noise hurts its not like a real headache but a feeling one I can't describe but it still hurts. I'm so tired of these ups and downs and the downs have been bad bad bad so bad my mother told me to finish my vacation at her house. Like I want to do that never bcz that wld mean I am not capable of taking care of my own. I am I am I'm fine enuff to do that. It may hurt and I may flip back and forth and I may feel it shld be the end but I dnt need help. I can do it ill make it just like last time just like all the times I really think I'm getting better at it. I really think I'm going to be able to stp it soon as long as I have the anxiety taken care of I can do anything. Its all good

I don't know your age or much about you except for what you've told us. Like I said in the reply to your other thread, finding the right medication for you will allow you to have more independence.

And in my honest opinion (although I'm not a doctor) you seem to be suffering a great deal with your mood swings and you don't have to suffer like that. On the right med you will still feel happy sometimes and sad sometimes, but you won't have crushing depression and anxious lack of sleep for days on end.

It's not a failure to get on the meds merry-go-round (which may take months or a couple of years to find the right combo), it's a part of the solution to feeling better. And the sooner you start, the sooner you can be done with all the moods that mess with your head.

TRIGGER warning below:

I think all of us need meds and most of us will need them for the rest of our lives. Again, it's not a defeat and doesn't make you a weak person. Would you tell a genetic diabetic that they were using their insulin as a crutch? This is not to scare you, but please be aware that this is a serious illness and 20% of those diagnosed will commit suicide. Probably double that will attempt one time or another. You know how awful the lows and mixed episodes are. The numbers go way down if you don't give up on meds until you find a good fit and you take it exactly as prescribed even when you start to feel better. Even if you view me as mean or raining on your parade or that I don't know you and that you can handle your moods just fine, I would feel terrible if no one ever told you the reality of the situation and something bad happened to you. We care about you. So don't give up on you!

Thinker I dnt think anything u have said is mean. U are actually probably right. I've been going through these cycles since I was a preteen I am now 30 years old. When I'm either up or down I feel like I'm ok its normal. But then I have these rapid cycling and if their was only a way to stop that without having to always be medicated. Just today I went from 4 hours of sleep to exercising to crying to going for a jog and now am feeling run dwn and bue. And its only like noon. I haven't been on meds for about 2 years except ativan as needed and I am afraid its time to go back. I just hate feeling like I'm sick. I dnt want to be sick. And if I go get on meds its like accepting it. I dnt know if I'm ready to accept it. I know I'm not. But I'm also smart enuff to know I shld and hopefully can get thru my stubborness and go.

Bridgie--here are some hugs to encourage you to go to pdoc and get some bipolar meds.

I am also 30. The sucky thing about bipolar disorder is you can't just decide to take your mood stabilizing meds because you're having a particularly bad day. They don't work like Ativan and that class of meds (that counteract/block adrenaline from anxiety and PTSD). They take a slow time to build up in your blood stream and brain and you can't miss a dose without there being consequences. If it does work to stabilize your moods when up to a therapeutic dose (which may take 6-8 weeks) you can't quit it and decide you're fine. Keep taking it = keep feeling good. Use the stabilizer "as needed" = serious problems physically and mentally. They won't drug you to the point of not feeling anything. If you get to that point and they won't change your meds, see a new doctor and then taper off the old med. You're always in control of your treatment. If something doesn't work or gives you a bad reaction, you tell the doc. If he or she is not responsive to your concerns about a med (eg. weight gain, hair loss, anxiety, it's not doing anything, etc.) you can taper off of it and see a new doc to get a medication that is better for you. If you're not having horrible side effects, however, give the medication some time to work. Like I said, it's a slow buildup process and they'll give you other things temporarily until your main med does work.

There is no magic bullet pill for everyone. You may have to try and discard many before you feel relief, but don't give up. Be sure to tell your psychiatrist or MD that you are bipolar so they don't give you regular antidepressants...which can induce manic or mixed episodes.

Í have two opportunities in the near future to take that step again. I've been there before. Many times and each time I end up off for a cpl years before it gets overwhelming again and the cycles are so fast I can't get a gd grasp on things. Soon maybe soon. Mayb mayb. I want to cry becz I shld go. I dnt want to go.

If in doubt, go.

If you can't work up the courage, ask a friend who knows how much you're suffering to come with you or to convince you why you should go and follow through with your treatment.

The ups and downs have been rough today I litterally went from bouncing off the walls ans going on a jog to falling into a big pile of crying woman. I need to be evened out. Cpl weeks a cpl weeks and we will see what happens.

I've crashed too and want to cry and am back to thinking about death constantly. My meds are still not working.

I'm thinking if I make it thru this rapid cycling I won't go. It dsnt matter. I got off routine and that is what pushed it. Ill just make sure I stay on routine. Then ill be fine. Then I know I can handle it. Just beck to routine and out of the rapid cycling

Hope it works for you.

Yea me too but I still have the appt if I need it. I hope you are doing ok too thinker. Wish we wldnt have to go thru this stuff

I was just thinking, if they've got gay pride parades, why can't we have bipolar parades where we can be proud of who we are and not feel like freaks or outcasts? I mean, we wouldn't have to act all manic or weird, just that we'd all be together for a day and have fun and feel like we're not alone. I can see it now...who's bringin' the noodle salad? I'll make my famous vegan slaw. Mmm...slaaaawwww.

I'm so glad I'm not at work and am having my half a beer. It's the little things...and I sure as **** couldn't be enjoyin' my wacky thoughts while staring at a plate of jello.

Bipolar pride parade. The BPP. I cld handle that. Although sometimes I enjoy the all whacked outness that my manias create. And as far as today goes I think I wld have the energy to do something like that. I feel no sadness is my heart my energy levels are high. I'm actually riding my high horse today and I dnt think anybody cld knock me down. Nope not even the man upstairs. Oh wow if that isn't elation I dnt know what is. I'm going to live it up bcz I dnt know when it will end the past 5 days have been a nightmare of rapid cycling. Either way I'm feeling goooooooood. And I loooove it. I'll be back to check on all of you laters.hope you all can have a good day too

Yep, I feel ya...I was on a high last week and have been rapid cycling for I don't know how long. It's fun to be wacky when hypomanic, so I wouldn't take that from anyone. At the BPP, haha...you could act however you like so long as it's not destructive. Might have to have a few straight jackets on hand.

I wonder if my meds are making me rapid cycle? I used to have months of uninterrupted depression...now it's irritability, anger, rage, crashing, depression, elation, insomnia...etc., etc. sometimes in the same day, sometimes in the course of a week. Madness.

I know exactly how that is. I dnt like the irritability and anger but I guess it goes with the territory. Who knew. And right now I really do feel crazy I had to get off to be all weird and now I had to get back on to let some of this out. I even screamed for no other reason than to let something out and right now I want to run around in circles and say whatever is on my mind and laugh even if its mean and I want to do things with ppl I wldnt normally do and I want my mind to stop racing cuz its going a mile a minute and I thnk I'm going to freak ppl out and I took an ativan so hopefully it kicks in soon and I have to stop noe cuz I cld g on and on and on and on and bye sorry a ltl crazy right now. Glad u all dnt mind it gives me a place to feel a part of somethign.

Oh yes, I've had the jumping out of my skin energy before. Running in circles, bouncing around, thinking a million thoughts, telling jokes non-stop. It's so friggin' fun. Wish I had that right now, but I am doing lots of projects to keep my mind occupied. I have that drowsy sense of maybe I should take a nap after lunch, but I'm not giving into it because last time it sent me into a massive depression (and it was on a day after I'd taken a Benadryl too). So I'd rather have insomnia and lots of energy even if my eyes and body are tired.

Enjoy it while it lasts. But keep your appointments because the flip side sucks hard core.

I think I quit. I just want to cry. Its done. I dnt want to do this anymore. I'm worn out. I think I'm just done. I dnt care anymore. Just gotta get out of here out of my head. Just out