[Sammy Jo]

Hi, my name is Samantha and I'm 23 years old. I have a two year old son that is diagnosed with Autism. There has been quite a few of stressful things going on in my life right now. My father is a very sick man, who is in the hospital every month or so. I'm afraid that he can pass any day. I'm in a relationship with a man that i get NO support from. My son is my biggest concern right now. I have had hope for the last year that he was going to get better but only seems to be getting worst, my hope is fading. I was raped in my teens and I am not quite sure if I ever really dealt with it. I can not explain what is happening to me or if anybody else knows what I'm trying to explain. I have these dream things but I am awake and fully conscience. I see things happening, it's usually about somebody trying to kill me and how I'm gonna save my son. It happens everywhere, I can't even stand in a line a store without seeing in my head the guy behind me, pull a gun out and how I will react or how I'm gonna save my son. I don't know if they're hallucinations or not. I have hallucinated in the past and they are not similar to what is happening now. It has been going on for long as I remember but they are more detailed and planned out in my head. I do believe I have Bi Polar and people have told me I have it. About every six months or so I get very manic then the rest of time I can't seem to get moving. Mental illness does run in my family. They have been hospitalized. I'm trying to find a friend or someone to talk to to see if I can make this stop on it's own. My head races constantly and I can't slow it down. I took the Bi Polar, Anxiety and Schizophrenia quizzes and scored way too high on all three, so I do not know what is wrong with me!!

[thinker22]

That is a lot on your plate, to put it mildly. I have a couple of thoughts based on what you described. One is the incident in your teens has likely caused post-traumatic stress disorder, which may be why you fear you or your son will be harmed. I have that fear too when I'm triggered and although my life has probably never been truly in danger, I too was abused (in childhood) both physically and sexually, and that can feel like near death. The fear itself carries out a life of its own and does need to be dealt with in a variety of ways...usually both meds and long term therapy. There is no quick fix, unfortunately. People who were abused sometimes have the chemistry and/or hard wiring in their brain altered which makes a sense of well being very difficult to attain, hence the need for boosters just to feel "normal." Once you start feeling a little less anxious all the time, dealing with the fear with pragmatic tools you'll get in therapy (and you'll need a good one that you can trust) will help with the thoughts of death.

Second thought is both bipolar and PTSD can cause hallucinations while you're awake. Just because you hear and see things that you know aren't really there doesn't necessarily mean you're schizophrenic. Bipolar has a wide range of moods anywhere from on top of the world to bottom of the ocean. Sometimes at either end of the spectrum, especially when combined with anxiety, we do hallucinate and have psychotic symptoms. But they're not always there, which is more the case with schizophrenia when not properly medicated. You can have completely neutral days without depression or mania or seeing things. But, when your brain chemistry changes, you'll sure know it fast.

A couple of things I've heard and seen: a hateful male raspy voice telling me that and how he was going to kill me; a dark shape or figure at the end of my bed or in the hall that I feared if I closed my eyes would get me. That can make life and sleep very difficult. One of my meds knocked them out and so far they haven't returned even though I've come off of that med recently. As a child I used to hear footsteps on the street or sidewalk outside of my bedroom. It sounded like a woman in high heel shoes and it was always ominous to me, like she was coming after me.

Those are my thoughts. I hope you can get some help with friends and professionals. It's a difficult step to take, and quite often we quit due to the side effects of the meds or the process of getting the combo right being difficult. I'm still in that dilemma, but I know it's really my only option because this stuff doesn't go away on its own. That's not to make you feel bad. At least we have the hope that there are treatments possible where there weren't really any viable options except for lockup about 50-60 years ago. The state of medicine is advancing every year and I hope by the time I'm 35 or 40 they'll have a med specifically designed for the depressed phase of bipolar.

I'm here if you want to talk. Everyone else who's regular to the site is kind and cool. They really made me feel at home in the past 6 weeks or so since I first came on here.

[Sammy Jo]

Thankyou so much! I have never been on a website like this and so far I am enjoying reading other peoples stories. I feel like I'm not alone.
I was on the phone all day with doctors, hospitals, counselors..they all said they thought it was PTSD. I have an appointment with somebody next week.
The thing you said about someone being at the foot of your bed. That's is what I see. It's somebody dressed in black, black clothes and a very white face. Instead of ignoring it, because most of the times I know it's not real, I'll just stare at it's face. It never goes away. It will be there for an hour than I finally have to have my husband walk with me in the other room. But, thankyou again for taking the time to help me!! Best of luck to you!

[thinker22]

Well, I've never mentioned that part before about the dark figure, but you're the first person I know of who's also had that experience, so I'm glad to find someone else who understands.

I hope you find some relief soon with your appt. There are a variety of ways to treat PTSD these days, and not all are medication, but it's a good first step to relieve the constant anxiety and difficulty falling asleep.

Feel better soon.

[Sammy Jo]

Really, thankyou! I am sitting here crying, just because someone understands. I feel like I'm not alone. I know my husband tries as hard as he can but when I tell him what is going on, he actually looks scared of me or looks at me like I'm nuts.
I often feel like a burden to him. I have to wake him up in the middle of night just to see if he sees the same thing as I do. It is nice to know that I am not alone here because I often feel that way.

I never thought about PTSD because I kind of block that part of my life out. I thought it was schizophrenia. I was told by a doctor last year that I was Bipolar but at the time I didn't believe him. I was at the manic phase and I felt on top of the world. Now it feels like my world is crashing. I can't seem to get moving but yet my head doesn't stop.

Thanks again!! I am glad I have somewhere to go to, to tell my story and not be looked at like I'm crazy.

[thinker22]

Isn't everyone a little bit crazy? It's just a matter of how we display our eccentricities. Some people pray to God for their sports team to win. Some people believe in lucky numbers or daily horoscopes. So on and so forth. We're just more interesting than them.

I've made my mate get up and turn on the lights and check under the bed on more than one occasion. He's annoyed after he calms down from my jumping up in bed and shouting, but he does it for me. Of course I feel terrible, but he understands it's part of my disease (and yes, it is a real disease with physical complications. Your brain chemistry, like blood sugar levels for diabetics, need to be regulated or there could be serious results).

The crash is inevitable. Your body can only take so many sleepless nights and frenetic energy. The depressive phase is when most bipolar people go searching for help because in mania, you tend to think you're fine if not better than ever. This is why so many of us are initially misdiagnosed. If we go to the hospital or a doctor for depression, they call it unipolar major depression. If they've never seen you manic or you don't even see your life as prior to the crash as being a kind of mania to describe it that way, there's no way for them to come to the correct conclusion. And it's good to get properly diagnosed sooner rather than later. Gives you a better long term chance for survival because at least you know what's going on and what you need to do to prevent the extreme swings or go to a hospital when either kind gets out of hand.

I didn't believe in the suggestions that I was bipolar either. I fought it for 6 months, then realized the mania and hypomania episodes were there all along from childhood to last year. I just didn't have a name for them. I also thought bipolar people were like my cousin's exwife who has like 9 kids (all of them taken away from her by the state) who is trashy, a drug and alcohol abuser, has a violent temper, and neglected her kids. Turns out, who you were before the diagnosis is pretty much who you'll be afterward. I was always a responsible, caring, and diligent individual and I still am. The moods just make it difficult for me to function at times. But I always feel bad for being depressed or for talking a mile a minute revealing way too much info or appearing to be hyper drunk when it does happen. I always make amends for the things I do while under the influence of the swings. Like most people on this site I just want to feel better and lead a positive productive life. To have hope for the future and all the rest.

It's going to be a tough road to getting well, but it will be worth it.

Hello wanted to say welcome. Hope this site can help you feel better