Bi-Polar & Drug Abuse

Uh oh, what is Tgr up to now?

Well, this is a topic that is personal to me. I've debated for some time about bringing it up. I guess I'm pretty sensitive about it. This is not a side of myself I'm as easily open about, and I think you might agree, I'm an open person about my thoughts, much of my life and my illness. Allow me to state up front that I no longer self-medicate with recreational drugs, at all! I'm a former cocaine abuser, my drug of choice for many years...is there any other that so adeptly mimics bp? I think not! I smoked much more than my fair share of marijuana and I took a lot of pills of all types. I loved taking drugs and quite frankly, I miss it. But it got me into a lot of trouble including being arrested twice, spending a short time in jail...one of the worst experiences of my life I might add. I did the majority of my drug abuse alone in my home. I was not a party animal, I was and still am very much a homebody and an introvert. Yes, I am quite capable of being an extrovert, however, it is more my nature to introvert and isolate. I've been clean for 3 years now.

Okay, so that's some basic info in a nut shell...the gory details of my drug abuse are not necessary for the intent of this post. I just wanted to make a point that I'm very familiar with drug abuse, I'm very familiar with the effects of drugs and I'm very familiar with the emotional, physical, psychological, legal and personal relationship issues of my drug abuse. I had wasted away to just about nothing physically, my mental clarity was shot and I became emotionally stunted. I was as sick as my secrets.

By nature of the bp illness, I am a person of extremes. I am a binger. Everything has pretty much been all or nothing. The polarities remarkably exaturated. My drug use in many ways counteracted much of the extremes. But by the same token, made me far worse because I would be all over the place on every level and would have to take more drugs to counteract the counteraction. I'm not sure that statement made as much sense as I would like it to, but hopefully you get the general idea. It is for this reason I'm such a stickler about taking bp meds, it's that all or nothing thing. I mean, I take some Seroquel and the very act of putting a pill in my mouth makes me want to pop some Lortabs or Vicodin or Valium...it all depends on my mood. The good thing though is that I have absolutely no desire to do coc anymore. The experience ultimately became so bad I was turned off to it and quit on my own without help of any kind except that I picked up pills in its place, lol. Duh! Hello?

I do not attend NA meetings, that scene is not for me. I won't go into specifics about that because the ppl who do get a lot out of it may be offended. It's an excellent way of life, just not for me. I do receive drug counseling, one on one. Do I think I'm a drug addict? No. I think I'm a self-medicater. Yes, I abused drugs, but once I got my life and illness on track I no longer felt I "had" to take any of them. My health is much, much better. My mind is far more agile. I'm much more emotionally mature and emotionally available. My psychological disposition, in my opinion, is above average...maybe more. lol.

My intentions here are to open up the floor for anyone to share about this. I believe that we are only as sick as our secrets, you all know a lot about me, this is an important part of what has made me the person I am today. A vital ingredient as it was a huge part of my life, my illness and what I've been able to make of myself now.

If ppl would rather PM about this subject, I understand. It was very hard for me to do this. But it IS a very important subject because the majority of ppl who have bp abuse drugs more so than any other illness.

TgrsPurr, xo

Give me time to get brave to pm you
Boy do we have stuff in common
Ang

well, what you see, with me, is what you get. i've abused pills. i don't anymore and haven't in about 6/7 years...i like the 'downers'..i could never do anything that made me the least bit jittery. i can get jittery just by waking up each morning. you'd think that i would have used a lot of coke when i worked for Willie Nelson. nope, our drug of choice was pot then. cocaine didn't really come into my picture because he didn't use it...after my divorce, i couldn't sleep..ever...so i started using whatever i could get a doctor to prescribe for me. in a rural locale, it's easy to skip around because no one will know you in a small town setting. plus the doctors don't communicate...so i got a lot of stuff then. when my youngest daughter got pregnant, i threw everything away. no way was i going to be a drug abusing grandmother...i had become a lot more physically active then and i think it really helped me with withdrawal and mood swings. i would go out and climb this mountain that was in the village and throw up two or three times, before i got to the top. now that i've been diagnosed BP, with the research i've done..it's no surprise that i abused pills....thanks tgrs...

Fascinating. And yes, a big part of my self-medicating was the severe insomnia. I still have huge issues with that, insomnia is the only residual effect that makes me want to do narcotics that would help me sleep. I just need that break from my mind, my reality...whether by escaping through sleep or escaping through a high. TgrsPurr. xo

Take your time Ang. Only when you're ready. No pressure here. No judgements here. You're my friend and I love you no matter what. TgrsPurr. xo

i used them first for sleep and then for fog.....

I was a very functional drug abuser. I always showed up, maybe not all that coherent, but I still presented. I had to support my habits, ya know? I actually hid it very well for the most part. Except when it took one to know one, those ppl knew the tell tale signs, I hated that.

But I can't say I did drugs for some lofty sense of expanding my mind and on some kind of spiritual quest. My reasoning was far more no nonsense than that. Escapism. And being the person of extremes that I am, I should be dead for the amounts I would do or take in one fell swoop. I'm lucky to be alive. My intention wasn't to kill myself or hurt myself...I just couldn't get numb enough or escape to the level I was hoping for.
TgrsPurr. xo

i also used them to cope....i did what i had to do, but sure spent a lot of time, alone, popping them and watching t.v..probably the O.J. trial.

LOL, me too.

Well, I guess it completely makes sense to me that BP folks are the druggies. I mean, it's almost a common sense indicator, or an example of ignorant intuition, if there is such a thing. What I mean is that BP is also the one mental illness most assigned to the "must" medicate column.

Not all drug use is drug abuse. Part of the PTSD program that most vets end up in includes a long look at that difference. One of the starting points for them is to acknowledge to them, of course you're using something, who wouldn't seek "some" recourse for feeling so badly. They get an in depth explanation of the impulse to self medicate.

Sure, it becomes all kinds of things depending on personal insight, drug of choice etc. But BP ppl generally are ravaged from the inside in a way they do not understand, but can see is "different" from most. Their impulse to change their mind, feeling, thinking, sure makes sense to me.

One of our national tragedies is our approach to the whole drug issue. We are routinely given only political information on drug use, even in the doctor's office. Penalty vs treatment, on and on. I always wonder what would be possible with just common sense and honesty in this millieu.

I agree with everything you have to say sqrl. Our nation and our health system is a sad state of affairs when it comes to drugs, legal or illegal.

I like that you made the point that not all drug use is drug abuse, but for ME it WAS abuse and that is the only point I was trying to make in my original post. But the flip side to that point sqrl is that there are ppl out there disillusioning themselves into their drug ABUSE falls into the category of drug USE. This where we need to be cautious. I don't want to perputuate someones disease of addiction. I don't mean to imply that you've said anything wrong here, only that I wanted to clarify my response to your very accurate statement.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts sqrl. Always a welcome fresh perspective. TgrsPurr. xo

No doubt. Confusion reigns. The "impulse" to self medicate is what I'm sympathetic to. I agree completely that there is delusion, and even much harm usually as the result, but the impulse is sound, as far as "needing" something. Good conversation.

In the early 70's I played around with skin popping heroin, smoked pot a few times, dropped purple haze once , have been clean for 36 years and am very proud of this, did these things to be one of the croup and wanted to get rid of painful past, never really got rid of the past memories
Angie

Thanks so much for sharing this to all here, I want to also tell you that I admire you for the effort you have given yourself to get things together, I don't know you in the 3d but I want to say, "I'm proud of you"

When I was taking diet pills (phenterimine) I wasn't just using them for weight, I had already lost as much as I needed, but for the focus it gave me, perhaps the med. addressed the ADD that I also was DXed with besides Bipolar-II, well not to make this too long, after over a year of usage, I felt hooked, guess I was too.
My DX of bipolar was linked from the use of amphetamines and a family issue combined. . .yep, I fell apart.
After the nightmare that followed, I follow pdocs. recipe for being well, take my meds and keep appts. in fact I've done so good I only have to see him 6-8 week spans, and I'm down to 150mg per day of my mood stabilizer, I think that is a sign of progress when one follows treatment plan and stays med compliant
I encourage all that come to this forum, to stick with treatment plan, meds (if prescribed) and keep pdoc/therapist appts., no cancelling.
Thanks again for posting such an encouraging post, Tgr

Sincerely,
DE

Thank you DE for sharing with us. I know that many diet meds can be quite addictive and I would imagine that this was something very difficult to let go of. Your progress is remarkable and your advice excellent. I'm so happy to hear that you'v made so much progress in your own tx plan. You, too, should be proud of yourself. I love your input into these threads.

Thank you for the wonderful encouragment and kudos. I always like that, call me a sucker for praise, lol. Just don't get enough of that in 3d world. lol. Praise is so important I believe to each and every one of us. Afterall, this is not an easy life we're living, ya know?

So, here's to keeping pdoc appts., sticking with our med regimens and continued counseling or t appts. and being clean and sober, cheers! TgrsPurr xo.

I too love praise, and probably like many of us do not get enough in the 3d world even when we give praise
Praise, and honesty gives life to self-esteem which in turn can work wonders in all our lives.
I am happy to watch this forum and members share their real life stories and how people can overcome many of their downfalls and crisis. . .often provoding they follow a healthy regimen
Thanks so much for your kind words and sharing yourself with all of us here.
And for everybody . . . keep up the good work, you can make it, just don't ever give up on yourself
Have a good week

Sincerely,

DE

I used to drink a lot - I mean a lot - every day for a long while. Luckily for me, one day I woke up and just decided to quit and didn't have any withdrawal problems at all. I was off the sauce for quite a while, and now I drink only for short periods of time (albeit heavily at times lol) with long periods of abstinence in between.

Alas, my consumption of pot has increased. I'm lucky not to miss it much either when it is not available. However, I find it helps even out my mood and relieve stress. I don't feel this to be any different from taking a pill for the same purpose. Mind you, I find I have been abusing it lately, so I'm not saying it is without a negative side. But that is related to other issues which would be off-topic here. I don't claim to know the right of it, only that it seems to help me at times.

Again, I'm pretty lucky in that I can take it or leave it. It's caffeine and nicotine I am addicted to. I'd give my left testicle to be clear of those two.

I am in recovery from cocain abuse and have been sober for quite a while now. i am a rapid cycler. It almost killed me, I use to use so much alone when I did it. recenlt my doctor put me on adderal to try and help my add and I ended up taking the whole bottle with in three days!!! Up for days and pretty wiped out. It scared the hel out of me and I called and told my doctor. it was just so scary to have that addiction kick in after all that time. Feel really bad about it , but I am back in meetings and on track.

I thank God I am sober and hope to God I will never relasp